TheOldMan
Posts: 19
Joined: 9/19/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lally2
im not clever enough to highlight from two posts, but i want to take what youve said and what merc said and explore the dichotomy a little. (mercnbeth). also stella actually. all three of you have hit on the difficulty many people experience.
we all come with certain ideals or expectations, hoping to find them met, but so do the people we meet. on one hand there is the excellent advice to stick to what those ideals are but in almost all relationships i know of, compromise is key. in the end very often you take good with a certain amount of not so good because the good outweighs the less so. the problem with that is often there is one likely to compromise more than the other, Dom or sub - and i fully take on board the fact that Doms have as much trouble trying to find the givers rather than the takers.
lally;
Agreed, compromise is tatamount in any relationship. From as simple as "Do we eat Chineese or Italian tonight?" to far deeper issues. As you said, the problem comes when one feels as if they're the only one giving in a relationship. It usually isn't true but different definitions of "giving" often result in that situation. IE while you or someone else might see serving and giving as something like having dinner on the table each night despite working, living etc, I might see that as trivial and intrusive to whatever I was trying to accomplish at the moment. But understanding that I roll with it and accept it as such. The problem comes when I've had to toss it aside a few times because something else seemed more important at the moment. Now she's working on what seemed to be mixed messages to her, perhaps she didn't assimiliate it when I mentioned it was nice but trivial as she was so focused on seeing this as her giving.
The breakdown can be, and I think usually is, incremental. Eventually it reaches a breaking point and someone, maybe both, feel as if ALL the giving is coming from them.
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because of what this represents to us, and by 'us' i mean the guys actively looking for a relationship rather than a fling we go one of two major routes. we either throw ourselves right into it and give like crazy and cause an imbalance or we take whats given as a meeting of our needs and believe that by doing that we are fulfilling our end of the bargain. whichever one we are at any given time when these two things happen a vacum is created.
Yep, Breakdown
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why - i think because what we do here is is all about 'I/i'. I want to give, i want to serve, i want to be spanked on my birthday, i want him to control me more/less, i want him to hold me more and ..... so on.
the trick is to transfer the 'I/i' to 'We/we'.
I understand that, really I do. Again I think the breakdown starts with differing definitions of what those things mean. My fault in all this may well be not making it clear enough what I see specfically as serving as opposed what she sees specfically as serving. Human communications is tricky at best and easily corrupted by the business of life. Business concerns, kids, friends, family, economics and on and on can all at any given , and possibly crucial, moment interrupt and do so to an extent that you never seem to get back to what either was trying to communicate. Toss in maybe a little OCD on one side or the other and the house of cards tumbles. Bedrocks are built on communication.
I don't mind being the Rock Of Gibralter but even that rock is getting worn down by bird gwano eating away at it. Who takes care of the Rock? Who helps it shed the gwano? The rocks refuge , it seems to me, should be the time he spends with his slave.
When it seemed to me that even she/they were just tearing pieces off me...............wellllllllllll.
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i want to say here that in my last relationship i was very much the taker, not me atall and not how i like to be. he was very generous and really didnt give me much opportunity to be anything more than the taker. and that oddly enough is just as destructive as being the giver into a black hole of taking.
Yep, and as the enabler of that I'd take full responsibility which is why I began to question my own choices. We have to remember to also enable your ability to serve and give. To paraphrase: Destroying One's Own Toys is Illogical. However putting it on a shelf and polishing it constantly denies it's humanity, it needs room to breath, grow and give too.
Yeah, we're control freaks but also human and we screw up pretty regularly too.
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symbiotic relationships are near on impossible to find and maybe more so here when needs and desires, dreams and personalities are so tied up in extra curricular activity that work on different levels for different reasons for different people. is why im returning more to Ds as my starting point.
Back to your roots, back to basics. A lot of the world could stand to take that advise in my humble opinion.
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what this thread has helped me to see more clearly is that who we are is far more important than what we are. but the who gets muddled with the what and then the BDSM adds in its oar too. knowing this and applying this is what i have to do now.
Give yourself a break. WHO we are is hard work! Most people find it easier to work on their career, buy the right clothes, buy a porche and wrap their self idenity around "stuff". Problem is that eventually the career is over, the clothes look worn, the porche rots and so on. Knowing WHO you are and liking that person can NEVER be taken from you!
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yes, im feeling a bit fragile about my age at the moment and yes NV i do need to spend some time accepting the changes and seeing them as OK. a friend on the other side pointed out that i should stop harking back to when being pretty was all it took to get the man, but in truth it never really did, all i got were men who were into the pretty and werent interested in the me. so no loss there really. and as vapid as that may make me sound it is an adaption im finding a little difficult. in my defence.. lol  - plenty of women botox and face lift all over the place and im not going to do that, im going to age gracefully if a tad reluctantly.
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actually as i wrote that a little trill went up in my tummy. yeah, a sort of freedom leapt out there for a mo.
Cool, no need to feel fragile. The cool thing is the mind gets ever better, farrrrrrrrrrrr more interesting while the ole bod goes to hell. Big deal, so what? Doctors give me hell for everything I do wrong and I give it right back to em. Verbal sparing is fun and far easier now then it was 30 yrs ago. They laugh, I laugh, life is good. My daughters shake their heads and wonder "How the hell does he do that?"
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to use missokysts words again. i am that old broad  or im getting there and actually, now that ive shared this with everyone and got it off my chest it feels ok, its as stella was saying, we do live in the past and hold onto what we remember as ourselves and that holds us back. accepting the changes and changing how we see ourselves and how what we need and hope for has changed too, is incredibly healing.
youve given me heaps to think about, thank you. xx
Swallow twice, take a deep breath and JUST DO IT.
Remember It's Always 5 Oclock somewhere.
D
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RE: the trouble is - 
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