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Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 5:01:45 AM

lusciouslips19

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I have been thinking about this subject quite a bit. My mother is failing rapidly from A.L.S. Last week the nurses said 2 weeks to a month. It could be much sooner. She is haveing spells of not being able to breathe. She is being medicated with morphine.

Any comforting words on spirituality would be most welcomed.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 5:32:25 AM

lusciouslips19

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No one has words of wisdom for me? The meaning of life?

Sheesh

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 5:34:22 AM

Llyren

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I'm not sure how much comfort this is, but if your mother is really suffering, death will be a blessing for her. I know how awful it was for my mother when she was dying, and I truly grieved, but I was happy that she was no longer suffering.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 5:40:46 AM

pixidustpet

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i was reading a webcomic dealing with a child that has cancer. he said he wasnt worried about dying because "if dad's right and there's a god, then i'll go to heaven and its all good. if mom's right and there isnt a god, then this is all over and its still good."

death after illness is a mixed blessing. after fallcon died of invasive colon cancer, i cried (and still do 3 years later) and mourned, and was GLAD he was no longer in pain no matter how much i missed him. 4 months later i cried and mourned (and still do) when my grandmother died at age 94.

i think there's better on the other side. but we mourn because we miss our loved ones.

kitten

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 5:45:34 AM

DomMeinCT

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My prayers are with you and your mom.

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if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 6:13:42 AM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomMeinCT

My prayers are with you and your mom.

Thank you.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 6:18:24 AM

allthatjaz

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My thoughts are with you.

Maria xxx

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 6:27:55 AM

sirsholly

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Lushy...this poem was given to me when i lost my mother. I found it comforting and hope you do the same. Hug.

The Rose Beyond the Wall

Near a shady wall a rose once grew,
Budded and blossomed in God's free light,
Watered and fed by the morning dew,
Shedding it's sweetness day and night.

As it grew and blossomed fair and tall,
Slowly rising to loftier height,
It came to a crevice in the wall
Through which there shone a beam of light.

Onward it crept with added strength
With never a thought of fear or pride,
It followed the light through the crevice's length
And unfolded itself on the other side.

The light, the dew, the broadening view
Were found the same as they were before,
And it lost itself in beauties new,
Breathing it's fragrance more and more.

Shall claim of death cause us to grieve
And make our courage faint and fall?
Nay! Let us faith and hope receive--
The rose still grows beyond the wall,

Scattering fragrance far and wide
Just as it did in days of yore,
Just as it did on the other side,
Just as it will forevermore.

~ A. L. Frink ~

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 6:46:56 AM

BossyShoeBitch

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Lushy,
I am so very sorry for what you are going through right now.
I have been in exactly the same spot as you are now, except I was 24 years old. My Mom died of lung cancer in 1991. I can remember the moment she took her last breath as if it were 5 minutes ago.
18 years later I can still recall the sound of her voice perfectly in my mind. I still imagine her singing to me and playing with my hair with her nails (which she did even when I was in high school!)

I still remember and try to follow the important life lessons she taught me.

The other day, I was watching an old MGM musical and began to reach for the phone to ask her a question about one of the actors. Things like that happen constantly to me and I am very thankful for that, because to me it means that she is still deep within me.

You are so blessed to have had your Mom in your life for as long as you have. My only advice to you is make sure she knows that she leaves this world better than it was when she arrived here. That the people she loves are strong and happy and will be ok.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 7:00:17 AM

servantforuse

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Both of my parents are 80 and doing fairly well. I feel very fortunate to have them here for so long. I will miss them when they are no longer here..

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 7:04:18 AM

Aileen1968

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My father was diagnosed with leukemia last November. He died on May 1st a few months after his 80th birthday. My sisters and I were all with him during his struggle and specifically during the last weeks of his life. I understand completely what you are going through. If you aren't involved with Hospice then please consider it. They helped us keep our sanity along with showing us how to maintain his dignity. Being close enough to someone so that you can help them die is an honor. Cherish every second and know that you are stronger than you think. You will survive this and you will look back on it at some point and realize that you did every thing perfectly. You should be proud. I'm sure your mother is.
And yeah...learning how to give morphine to someone you love is probably one of the suckiest life lessons there is. You are in my thoughts.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 8:13:36 AM

angelikaJ

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Lushy,

There are layers to mourning.
You mourn for the loss of the woman she was.
You mourn for what has been taken from her and from all of you.
You mourn for the loss of your mother, even though she may be right beside you and you know that her essence is locked away inside her.

In between the mournings, remember the special moments.
Realise that they are a gift.
Too, remember the things that made her human: the silly fights and misunderstandings because all of them were a part of your relationship.

I might suggest going over old photographs...finding special things she may have given to you and remembering the things she shared with you and the lessons you learned from her.

Celebrate her!
Her perfectly imperfect self; the times you laughed together...cried together are all a part of this mysterious gift called living.

Death is even more mysterious.
Amongst all the unknowns though, you will know she will be at rest. There will be no more struggle. There will be peace.

Your mom will always be as close as the love you feel and the memories you cherish.

I am sorry for your grief and I want you to know that I am here for you.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 8:22:22 AM

sirsholly

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there are stages to death and dying which also apply to the process of grieving.

Lushy...when i lost my late husband these stages, by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, were of a huge comfort. First and most importantly, they gave understanding that i was not on the edge of insanity. What they gave is acceptance and understanding of the grieving process.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 9:08:28 AM

DesFIP

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There are no comforting words. At the same time that you want desperately for this to end for her sake and yours, you also don't want her ever to leave no matter her condition. This is normal.

But yes a grief therapist is a needed resource. My mother died Jan 1990 of pancreatic cancer. It hurt then and it hurts now but in a different way. Time will soften the pain but you will always miss her. Like BSB says, I still think I should call her on occasion and then again I am hit with the pain that I can't.

Beyond that what I will tell you to prepare for is to be depressed starting on or around the date of her passing for many years. Expect the holidays to be a chore next year. And the year after, and the one after that and so on. Strip down what you do to essentials for your children and make it less frenetic. You'll need the breather.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 3:10:56 PM

kiwisub12

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I am so sorry for your pain and loss.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 3:31:37 PM

cpK69

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

No one has words of wisdom for me? The meaning of life?

Sheesh

Life is a lesson, ask yourself; “what can I learn from this?”

The end is the beginning; death is about changing, not ‘game over’.

To say that I have loved and lost would be to never have loved at all.

Every moment, you are growing stronger.

Kim

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 3:34:31 PM

youngsubgeoff

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<hugs lushy>

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 3:35:09 PM

mnottertail

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sure. I got this from mom. I've always cherished it.

Change your drawers before you go out, in case you get in a car accident, I don't want the doctors or the morticians to see you like that, it would embarrass me.

Ruth (rip)

Ron

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 8:07:29 PM

outlier

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Lush One,

I have been down the path you are now on. I lost my
mother very close to Halloween, several years ago. At
first it was as others have said; every year it was a terrible time.

But then time proceeded to work as only time can. Gradually I
came to forget the pain of loss and I would see little children and
remember how delighted my mom would be after handing out treats.
She would turn from the door with a grin and say, "That was the
cutest little pirate," Or, "She was the most darling little princess."

Now I really enjoy Halloween because I think of my mom being happy.

I wish good thoughts for you in time.

Outlier

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 8:10:43 PM

stella41b

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Death is a transition, not an ending, and that what you have shared in life will remain with both of you eternally.

Be strong, remember I am here as others will be, I'm just so sorry.

You have mail.

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