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RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/22/2009 12:19:50 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy


quote:

ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium

nope, didn't actually read the interactions, just saw numerous cookies from chat sites that were sexual in nature and that he had never mentioned to me before.  I confronted him, and he lied and tried to blame it on a friend that stayed over once in the office. I then dug deeper and found the many days worth of it, all date stamped at times I was at school. 


Only you can decide if it's cheating, but based on the info above, he's definitely a liar.

10 Points.


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(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/22/2009 1:06:07 AM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
Cheating, simply put, is not playing by the rules.

If your relationship was based on honesty, then he's cheating. Everything else is detail.

Of course, I could have just said if you have a relationship then he's cheating. Because a relationship requires honesty. Without it, you don't have one. You have an "arrangement," in which case it depends on the terms of the arrangement. But some people like to think of "arrangements" as relationships, so I wanted to make sure I was being clear.

Heh.

K.



< Message edited by Kirata -- 11/22/2009 1:45:57 AM >

(in reply to DoNotKnow)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/22/2009 1:20:34 AM   
MsMillgrove


Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		This is a bdsm site, People come here to share that interest with one another.

Why do you ask this quertion in Ask a Master? Why do you even ask for a definition of cheating? That's not really the best question for you to ask in this situation. The question you want to ask is "Why did he come here?" Why did he come to Collarme?

Is it because he is afraid to tell you his fantasies or ask for what he needs. Is it because you pretended to like to play kinky games with him before you married, or after you married and then became tired of them? Did you try to be someone you're not? Did he have a kinky past he hid from you, did he find his thoughts going in this direction only recently?

We don't know you or your husband, we're not the ones to be assisting in this situation. Only he can answer all your questions, only you know the answer to a few I asked. He needs to know how hurt and angry you feel to know of his interest and activities with another woman. You need to know why he felt this need to do it, knowing it would hurt you, if you discovered it.

Only way to find out is to talk openly with him about your hurt and ask him why is he doing it.

Maybe the relationship could grow or maybe you fear a bigger betrayal is on the way. In any case--the discussion needs to take place between the two of you, not between you and the readers/posters on a message board. Sending positive thoughts your way for a good outcome for you both.

(in reply to Kirata)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/22/2009 2:04:09 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		I was thinking along the lines of what LafayetteLady said.

This post is not about a sub or Domme finding out her husband is cheating. It has nothing to do with D/s but all to do with finding out that he was using this website to contact and communicate with other women and potentially build relationships with them.
Where as in a D/s relationship the dominant may consider he has a right to do this and the submissive no right to inquire, the op is clearly not on the scene and the actions of her husband are damaging to that relationship.
Yes he is cheating and as someone else pointed out, you need to discover why his looking is on a BDSM site. He obviously has a developing need which he is investigating here and he should be sharing it with the op.
The op mentions sex with another and I would like to say to the op that collar me is not primarily about sex but more about filling a need within the BDSM world. I would recommend you do some research and learn about it because his need won't just go away.

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(in reply to Rhodes85)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/22/2009 3:44:21 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DoNotKnow

I accidentally found out that my husband is viewing porn online. He also is e-mailing and chatting with people. And, he is on this site and has become involved with someone he found on this site, e-mailing and chatting with her. As far as I know, it is all strictly online. The e-mails are very sexually explicit, i.e., what he would do to her and what he wants her to do to him. I don't think that he knows that I know. I haven't said anything to him. My question is - is this considered cheating?


To some yes, others may say no. But the real question is, do you believe it is?

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(in reply to DoNotKnow)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/23/2009 11:28:49 AM   
dragonseeker


Posts: 554
Status: offline 		I would consider it cheating if it happened to me. Definitely lying and betraying. I consider it to be cheating whenever a monogamous partner involves themselves in a intimate emotional/physical relationship with someone other then their monogamous partner without their knowledge or consent. I believe that if you feel the NEED to cheat then you need to either fix your relationship or get out of the relationship, unless of course you have your partners knowledge or support. If you don't, then sorry to say it... you would be the cheating lying bastard.

Trust, honesty, respect.

(in reply to rockspider)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/23/2009 12:34:33 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		It depends on the relationship you have with your husband whether viewing porn and/or becoming involved with someone else would be considered cheating or not. If one part of the couple (you) views it as unfaithful then it is. Your view isn't going to change because of his explanation for why it happened. You and he may be able to work it out or not...it'll take some time to find out.

For me, it would crush me to find something like this out because I love my partner and we have a monogamous relationship. If he does indeed have some emotional or physical need that is not being met by me I'd like to know what it was so I could give it a shot- the thought that he felt he had to go elsewhere would be hard for me to bear. The porn wouldnt' bother me, the looking for another woman would. I never want him to feel stuck with me, I want him to be with me because he wants to be- therefore the massive feeling of failure that I'd have if I felt I wasn't doing it for him.

(in reply to dragonseeker)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/23/2009 5:51:29 PM   
MasterTslave


Posts: 200
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		You need to talk to him about what you found out.  If Master T was talking with some chick and told her what He'd do with her, we'd have a VERY long talk...but, that would never happen here because we are very open with our feelings and desires to a point that would embarass others.
Maybe he feels like he is missing something in your relationship?  Maybe he wants to do some of these things to you, but afraid you will think he is a perv or strange?  If you want your relationship to work, you need to be 100% open with him and invite him to do the same...maybe you will both find some new kinks that you really enjoy

(in reply to DoNotKnow)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/24/2009 6:10:02 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		It was me wasn't it? you've kicked up a stink and now i got stood up...
ah well, i hope you sort it out, all the best...

(in reply to DoNotKnow)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/24/2009 10:08:45 AM   
amuzingtoyou


Posts: 144
Joined: 6/27/2006
Status: offline 		I hit fast reply....so this is to the OP.

First if you had concerns about your spouse cheating on you..obviously there are problems deeper then him cheating on you. As someone said..cheating on someone is a symptom, not the illness itself. I am a bit amazed that so many people are bashing you for looking into this deeper when you saw something. You asked him once because you suspected, and he said no. But something still didn't sit right with you. Obviously you don't trust your spouse. and it seems with good reason. The question is where do you go from here.

My suggestion would be to talk to your spouse. Don't hide your head in the sand. If he hasn't cheated on you yet he is well on his way. But you need to ask yourself why...why is he cheating. Why is he looking elsewhere. You also need to talk to him and find out where the deeper issues lay. |Comming here and asking us if it is cheating isn'tgoing to do you any good. In my opinion he has broken your trust and that is a very difficult thing to overcome. You also broke his trust by looking at his email without his consent or knowlege.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/24/2009 11:15:27 AM   
Blaakmaan


Posts: 374
Joined: 5/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DoNotKnow

I accidentally found out that my husband is viewing porn online. He also is e-mailing and chatting with people. And, he is on this site and has become involved with someone he found on this site, e-mailing and chatting with her. As far as I know, it is all strictly online. The e-mails are very sexually explicit, i.e., what he would do to her and what he wants her to do to him. I don't think that he knows that I know. I haven't said anything to him. My question is - is this considered cheating?


What difference does it make what it's "considered" by others?
The question is, what do you (and he) think and feel about it.
Not what others think and feel about it.

(in reply to DoNotKnow)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take - 11/24/2009 1:33:07 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		agree with blaakman, and maybe you want to try out some of his fantasies in your own life.

but if you do something is it harmless flirting, and he does something is it sinister?

just rambling

Ron

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(in reply to Blaakmaan)
Profile   Post #: 52
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