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RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 11:55:03 AM

scattered

Posts: 8
Joined: 11/21/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dumbmonkey

I don't want to be into, and it's not something I'd tell anyone I know.

I'm going to join the chorus of people saying that it's better to make your peace with yourself than to live in denial. Be gentle with yourself; don't beat yourself up for having an attraction you can't control. You don't have a time limit, so take however long you need. Personally I like to meditate - just hold your desires in your mind, and whenever you start veering off into that "I'm so sick and disgusting; this is wrong" place, gently steer yourself back.

Also, why wouldn't you tell anyone? Is it because you're afraid that they would desert you, or hate you? Because in that case, the problem is not you, it's them.

(in reply to dumbmonkey)

Post #: 21

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 12:18:27 PM

jonnyringpiece

Posts: 15
Joined: 11/23/2009
Status: offline

'A hear that a full lobotomy helps get rid of unwanted desires and thoughts. Seriously though if you don't want to do it don't do it and remove temptations from your life'.

nope.. won't work.
it'll eat away underground until it bursts forth in all its glory, just to fuckyou off, all over again.
why you think them catholic priests are all in a lather?
gotta go into it, and out the other side, and hope you don't get lost in the middle.

< Message edited by jonnyringpiece -- 11/23/2009 12:22:19 PM >

(in reply to BeastPriest)

Post #: 22

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 1:59:08 PM

rockspider

Posts: 633
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeastPriest

A hear that a full lobotomy helps get rid of unwanted desires and thoughts. Seriously though if you don't want to do it don't do it and remove temptations from your life.

Sadly enough you are right. Delve in to the psychiatric/psychological literature specially about how personalities is made up. I have done so and really is amased over how then afterwards i can read the same professions claim they can cure personaliti disorders. History is full of that kind of claims. Specially those saying that homosexuality is a disease. Fortunately it seems society is getting past that albeit a lot of religious zealot still don't get it.
Well there is one way which looks like it "cures" sexual deviants. Kastration, it doesnt really cure anything but supress any form of sexual urges in such a way the person can live with his unwanted perversion in a way that he virtually forgets about it. Soceity in general is against the surgical type, but do aprove the medical type in as far phedophile goes. One big problem is that the medicine has big sideefects so the pervert often find those so unpleasant that they cease taking the medicine, which sadly sees these "cured" paedophile heading down that road again.

(in reply to BeastPriest)

Post #: 23

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 2:07:31 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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No amount of deprogramming would work. The desire for BDSM is hard wired into us and therefore can only be ignored, but not obliterated, no matter how hard you try.

(in reply to rockspider)

Post #: 24

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 2:21:27 PM

ncbabe

Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline

This sounds more like a question of acceptance to me. You have already admitted it is something you are into and it sounds like you just haven't come to terms with it yet. Are you new to this? Have any experience at all? A bit more background info would help us give you more helpful advice.

_____________________________

As we think, so we become.

Nichts ist unmöglich

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 25

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 2:30:19 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

Your page does say actively seeking , then it says your under consideration, now your saying on a BDSM site that you wish to having nothing to do with bdsm ? sounds very contradictory , sounds like you need to search within yourself to figure out who and what you are and what your wanting .

(in reply to BeastPriest)

Post #: 26

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 2:31:59 PM

pinnipedster

Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

I've never felt like I wanted to stop wanting this. But I admit it complicates life in some ways. There are a few women I've known with whom I might have been able to put together a relationship, but they made it very clear they had no interest in kink at all -- and while I don't necessarily think it's the most important thing to look for in a partner, I know it's also something I'm not interested in giving up. (And even more, it's not something I'd want to hide from my partner, or seek behind her back.)

Of course, the result is that I'm in my late forties and have gone several decades largely without love, sex, *or* kink. *sigh*

But it's similar to my crossdressing. Yes, my life would be a lot simpler if I didn't have that aspect of my personality. But I don't think I'd be me any more, either -- so the idea of trying to "give it up" just doesn't make any sense to me. I've sometimes gone years without practicing it, but it's still always a huge part of my thoughts and who I am.

I've got a lot of bones to pick with God about some of this stuff, if and when the time comes.

< Message edited by pinnipedster -- 11/23/2009 2:33:13 PM >

(in reply to BeastPriest)

Post #: 27

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 2:38:28 PM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

Being into it and wanting to be into it are two different things, and the fact that you’re posting this definitely implies that you are into it. There are things I’m into or have been into that I could stop being into, like running (it was too hard on my knees, so I switched to another activity). The trick there is always to replace one habit with another, so replacing running with martial arts worked well for me.

But there are other things I’ve been into that I just couldn’t stop being into, and those are things connected to personality traits, values, etc. These are not just habits or activities but part of who I am. BDSM falls into this category for me. To change who I am would require professional guidance (counseling) and probably many years. Some changes of this magnitude might necessitate me changing my friends, my job, my hobbies, and other important aspects of my life. The only way I would be able to succeed in making those profound changes would be if I truly believed my life would be better without the thing I was trying to change.

You say you wouldn’t tell anyone you know that you are into BDSM. Is that the only reason you want to stop being into it? I don’t mean to belittle the power of shame and embarrassment, but perhaps it would be easier and more realistic to get over your shame and embarrassment than to stop being into BDSM.

Also, you don’t have to tell people you know that you are into it. My friends and family, with very few exceptions, have no idea and don’t need to know.

Good luck figuring this out. It’s a tough one.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 28

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 3:18:58 PM

lilportlandgirl

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/16/2009
From: oregon
Status: offline

My opinion?
Become deeply religious and faithful. Eventually you will feel even more ashamed of BDSM then you thought possible, and will not allow yourself to ever participate and enjoy it. Just a warning though, that this route may drive you to the brink of insanity...

Really though... I don't think anybody knows how to get rid of it, mostly because when it comes down to it, most of us don't *want* to get rid of it. If you find normal vanilla sex just as arousing and fulfilling, then let that be your sex life. You will still think about BDSM but nobody is forcing you to participate in it. If vanilla sex is boring, then why try to squash what you DO find appealing? It will just keep coming back...

(in reply to lucylucy)

Post #: 29

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 3:30:28 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I guess I'll be the one who goes against the grain here who doesn't believe in the whole notion that it's hardwired.

It's a choice imo...choose.

Either do it or don't do it. Your choice.

One can still be happy and fulfilled even without it. You just simply have to make up your mind to be so.

(in reply to lilportlandgirl)

Post #: 30

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 3:32:19 PM

TimrehIX

Posts: 75
Joined: 6/29/2009
Status: offline

Aversion therapy. Hook electrodes up to your nipples and when ever you have a dirty BDSM related thought shock yourself.

(in reply to dumbmonkey)

Post #: 31

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 3:39:16 PM

Ladynslave

Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline

Deprogram... No. You need to look at the base need you have for BDSM. What causes it? What do you get from it? If you can find the answers you can either accept it or find another means of satisfying it. Though the aversion therapy suggested previously sounds quite effective as well, though a bit like self medicating.

(in reply to dumbmonkey)

Post #: 32

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 3:40:09 PM

lilportlandgirl

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/16/2009
From: oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TimrehIX

Aversion therapy. Hook electrodes up to your nipples and when ever you have a dirty BDSM related thought shock yourself.

I could really see that backfiring!

(in reply to TimrehIX)

Post #: 33

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 3:54:12 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

You know, if you are really serious about changing your orientation then this site is so not the place to ask for advice about it. The vast majority of people here are here because this is something that fufills them and gives them joy.

What you want is some fundamentalist ultra-conservative group that specialises in changing sexual behaviour and orientation - and good luck with that! I know of at least one minister who is happy and fufilled in what he does - and is gay - even if he doesn't acknowledge it - so, if you are serious, get out of the lifestyle, make a bunch of vanilla friends, and don't think of it any more. I was once told by an aunt of mine who is a nun that celibacy is easy - you just don't think about sex and sooner or later , you stop thinking about it. Heck, you don't even have to stop thinking about sex, you just think about vanilla sex!

and i also think it is insulting to this group that you would even post this question.

(in reply to lilportlandgirl)

Post #: 34

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 3:56:10 PM

CelticSubM

Posts: 102
Joined: 3/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dumbmonkey

I don't want to be into, and it's not something I'd tell anyone I know.

I doubt there's anyway you are going to make yourself feel zero interest. Whatever it is in you that makes bdsm attractive to you is going to be there. That doesn't mean you have to act on those thoughts or desires. Consciously trying to suppress them is more likely to have a paradoxical strengthening effect. If not for you, for many anyway, part of the allure of bdsm is the attraction of the forbidden. Nature doesn't abhor a vacuum. for most of the Universe is vacuum, but the human mind abhors a vacuum. If you choose not to pursue your bdsm interests, the thing to do is focus on something else that also has a strong attraction to you. Avoid "feeding" your bdsm interests. Concentrate on feeding the others.

(in reply to dumbmonkey)

Post #: 35

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 4:17:11 PM

InvisibleBlack

Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dumbmonkey
I don't want to be into, and it's not something I'd tell anyone I know.

Okay. I'm going to assume that you're serious and that you're going through some significant turmoil because you are sexually excited/attracted to something that repels you. This does happen - and not just with various kink but as a result of any number of factors.

You can repress this but that does NOT mean that it will go away. It will still be there. You'll fantasize about it and feel guilty about it, and angst about it sometimes and come up with things that focus your attention elsewhere so you can forget about it for a while but it will always come back. You can go out with someone who's not into it and build a solid relationship without it and then secretly think about it when you're with them so you can get off or pretend like it's not inside of you and then let it all out when you're by yourself and no one else is around like it's some dirty secret.

Personally, I don't believe that this is the answer. Honesty, in any relationship or with yourself, is the best course. If you really want to not be into BDSM, you're going to have to accept it - delve into it, understand it and accept it as a part of you. After acceptance, you can work out what it is that you need, why you need it, what emotional requirement it's filling and then, in theory, if you can come to understand this, if you can embrace it as a part of yourself and be at peace with it and the reasons why you are this way, then you can transcend it and move on. While others may disagree with me, I believe that there are any number of things that are regarded as "unchangeable" parts of self that can be changed - but the first step is always acceptance.

I'm guessing that right now your problem is that who you are is conflicting with your self-image of who you think should be. Denying who you are isn't the answer. Understand, this isn't something that's going to happen over a weekend - this is a journey that will likely take years. It's also quite possible that along the path of accepting and understanding, you'll fully embrace who you are and discover that you have no need or desire to move on.

[Edited for typos. They never end.]

< Message edited by InvisibleBlack -- 11/23/2009 4:48:29 PM >

_____________________________

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

(in reply to dumbmonkey)

Post #: 36

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 4:30:09 PM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

It's really hard sometimes, isn't it?

There have been times I have wished I'd never heard of this; that I think I long for the "normal" life - anything that seems easier than I think I have it at that moment in time. I remember someone saying "You can't unleard/unsee some things" and I'd realize that they were right.

However, about the time I'm realizing they're right, I'm also realizing that "normal" life always made me miserable. And if I had to go back to all that, I'd probably be miserable all over again. That's when it hits me that what I really want is to not feel like I have to hide. I want acceptance of who I really am and how I want to live my life. I want to stop feeling like if so and so knew, I'd have to explain and risk their disgust/disdain/just plain dislike. And that's when it comes to me that as much as I'd like to be accepted for who I am and what I am, the very reason I walked into this life was because for just once, I was going to do what made me happy, and that when I did that, I chose to live my life in ways that made ME proud to be me - regardless what any other people thought... and once again, I'm fine with who I am.

May I suggest, instead of wishing you never heard about this, that you take some time to figure out how you want this life to mesh with your vanilla life. And believe me, it can. You may not end up living life in any way that you expected. You may not live your life the way others who embrace this life live theirs, but if you are living your life in honesty (with yourself most of all) and integrity to your views... you'l be ok.

Take some time and sort through what you've learned so far to pick and choose what works for you - and then, find the person who fulfills what it is you see happening in your life. If you like the devotion inherent in much of what we do but don't like humiliation, then look for someone who does not play humiliation games, and so on and so on. But be sure in your own right what you want and then, don't settle. You'll be able to find the person who meets those needs plus many you nevr realized you ever had.

And you'll be just fine.

But about the only thing you're going to be able to forget when it comes to BDSM is the whole notion of forgetting about BDSM.

Good luck to you.

juliet

(in reply to CelticSubM)

Post #: 37

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 5:12:13 PM

rockspider

Posts: 633
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

You know, if you are really serious about changing your orientation then this site is so not the place to ask for advice about it. The vast majority of people here are here because this is something that fufills them and gives them joy.

What you want is some fundamentalist ultra-conservative group that specialises in changing sexual behaviour and orientation - and good luck with that! I know of at least one minister who is happy and fufilled in what he does - and is gay - even if he doesn't acknowledge it - so, if you are serious, get out of the lifestyle, make a bunch of vanilla friends, and don't think of it any more. I was once told by an aunt of mine who is a nun that celibacy is easy - you just don't think about sex and sooner or later , you stop thinking about it. Heck, you don't even have to stop thinking about sex, you just think about vanilla sex!

and i also think it is insulting to this group that you would even post this question.

Kiwi i do think you contradict your self in as far that your profile clearly shows that you have no intention of showing yourself in a manner where you can be recognised by your next door neighboor. Many people do have this attitude here on CM. I would even say it is a majority as many of the is obviously not of the people who wrote the profile. Irespective of how gorgeous some 45 year can look the number who can pass for a 20 year old is absolute minimum. As the activity BDSM is generally looked down on by the public it is therefore also safe to assume that many people involved is so with mixed feelings. The OP obviously in that category. I do find his posting there for highly relevant and certainly can see nothing insulting in it. I don't have the same feelings as really if a person who knows me would recognise me from my picture i see it as a sign of he/she shares some of my interest. Why should they else be looking at it in the first place. Should someone actually start coming with nasty remarks about it i can be extremely vocal and would not hesitate a second to tell the asshole where he/she can put their objection. It also aplies to people on the site who seem to think that unless you act according to some strange rules who have been coined decades after my entry on the kinky field, then you shouldn't be here. I know what i like, the way i act, what i seek and couldn't give two hoots if someone objects. BDSM is out of the box sex and as far as that goes it really is a matter of anything goes. The real trick is to find that or those who likes to sit on the safe shelf as yourself. For me that is to find that one who is the other half of the ying and yang relationship, so to speak for lack of a better expression.
For your comment on gay ministers it is a bit ambigues as minister relates to two different jobs in the english language. I don't know any personal as such, but i do know of a gay minister, 2 gay and 2 lesbian members of parliament. We have had them for quite a while and they are not the first. Strangely enough none of them seem to show any interest in the gay rights movement. I also know of at least two priests of the Church of Denmark (85 % of the population belongs to it) who is openly gay and at least one lesbian. The only trouble that has caused is that one of the gay ones has been extremely badly harassed by members of the muslim community.

< Message edited by rockspider -- 11/23/2009 6:01:51 PM >

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 38

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 5:40:08 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

i'm not sure how being recognisable to my neighbours makes my comfort in my Sirs and my relationship invalid. While i applaude your obvious in-your-faceness, some of us have jobs in the public eye that require a certain amount of discretion , and in all probability would be fired if outed to anyone in my organisation.

Your second sentence i don't understand. I think maybe you are referring to photos, and if you are, i agree with you - a 45 year old cannot pass for a 20-something. And i'm not sure why they would. 45 was much nicer than 20-something.

and why do i find it insulting? - go to a pub and ask for advice to stop drinking, or a butcher and ask how to stop eating meat. If you are honest in wanting help, the venue for people positive for an activity or action is not the place to ask how to stop. You don't ask people who are for something how to be agin. Talk about disrespect!

as for the rest of your post - i am glad you are such a hard arse. I'm glad you can be verbally abusive on command. I'm glad you don't give a fig for what others think of you. I'm glad that you are your own man and live the way you want.
As for me, i live with my Sir, in the manner that is pleasing to us, and in such a way as to get along with the neighbours. That is the way we want to live. That is how i pay the bills. To each , his own - and for me , that means a certain discresion. I just hate that you don't like that.

(in reply to rockspider)

Post #: 39

RE: Any way to deprogram myself so I am not into BSDM? - 11/23/2009 6:40:00 PM

CelticSubM

Posts: 102
Joined: 3/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

...You don't ask people who are for something how to be agin. Talk about disrespect!

I saw no disrespect in the question. Bdsm is something that I practice, and have practiced for many years. It is not something that I am "for" or "against" as far as anyone else is concerned. It's not for everyone. It's not for everyone that finds it interesting or attractive. I made my choice, in the light of my particular circumstances. I take it for granted that others will do the same.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 40

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