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RE: list of hard limits - 11/25/2009 6:59:33 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		I see some people listed "nothing illegal". I'm sure this shows my ignorance, but is it common to be asked to do something illegal?

Is this just kind of a tactful way of covering children and animals, or are there other specific things that you have been asked to do? Other than maybe drugs, or exposing yourself outside, my mind is coming up blank here.

Why guess? Can someone share specifics?

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: list of hard limits - 11/25/2009 7:07:09 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

I see some people listed "nothing illegal". I'm sure this shows my ignorance, but is it common to be asked to do something illegal?

I don't know if it's "common" but it can be an issue.  I have worked in education / with children most of my adult life, and for me even something as "silly" as messing around in a park can be devastating.  If I were arrested and found guilty of lewd conduct, I would lose all ability to work in my profession.  *Plus you get on that list of sex offenders - ask guys who have been arrested for peeing in public... can really put a cramp in your life. 

Is this just kind of a tactful way of covering children and animals, or are there other specific things that you have been asked to do? Other than maybe drugs, or exposing yourself outside, my mind is coming up blank here.

I'd probably add actual whoring someone out to that list up there. 

I have been asked to do some far fetched things.  (there's a whole thread about that somewhere). 

Why guess? Can someone share specifics?


Best,
sunshine


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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: list of hard limits - 11/25/2009 7:29:05 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...is it common to be asked to do something illegal?...


taking into consideration that this slave is not speaking exclusively of the relationship she is in now, "doing something illegal" has been a pretty common proposition to this slave, since the age of about 13 by just about every relationship partner or one night stand she has been involved with.
in the 30 years since then, she has never been arrested, though....got reeeeeal close a couple of times(whew!!)...(knocks on wood).

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: list of hard limits - 11/25/2009 7:47:21 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

I see some people listed "nothing illegal". I'm sure this shows my ignorance, but is it common to be asked to do something illegal?


It's a bit of a cliche I believe.  Taking a beating could have your partner arrested, depending on the state or country you are in.  Even taking photographs and having them in ones possession could be a potential difficulty legally.  Whenever I have seen this, it's usually the whole animal sex/ children etc they are refering to in my experience - but it over and over again makes it seem that those kinds of things really are acceptable and practised in the BDSM arena which of course they aren't anymore than they are in the 'outside' world.  BDSMers don't suddenly have a different moral or ethical change of heart when they walk through the dungeon doors (thats metaphorical btw).
People who list these activites are perpetuating the myth that having sex with minors is an acceptable kink in wiiwd, and it's damaging.

the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: list of hard limits - 11/25/2009 11:43:58 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
I see some people listed "nothing illegal". I'm sure this shows my ignorance, but is it common to be asked to do something illegal?

Why guess? Can someone share specifics?


i've been asked to do plenty of things that were illegal.  i once served a Domme who enjoyed recreational drugs.  She often offered them to me.  i always declined.  i don't do drugs, and IMO, mixing drugs with certain elements of BDSM is unsafe.

i've also been asked to do public scenes that would have probably been illegal had W/we been caught by the police.

Sodomy laws in many states (particularly in the South) are pretty antiquated.  You'd probably be surprised at some of the things that are actually illegal.  Heck, there are places where anal sex is actually illegal.  Of course the laws are not enforced, but they are still on the books.

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: list of hard limits - 11/25/2009 10:44:57 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: list of hard limits - 11/25/2009 10:51:44 PM   
fadedshadow


Posts: 751
Joined: 4/27/2009
From: a place
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lapgirl
so, what is a hard limit for you?


breathplay and waterboarding would be hard limits. childhood trauma i don't want to relive


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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: list of hard limits - 11/26/2009 3:41:18 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline 		I just realized I never said what my hard limits are.

Some have been done, but the ones remaining are (in no particular order):

Enemas
Mummification (or what ever that's called) I cannot have my arms bound to my sides, they cannot be immobilized like that. I start to hyperventilate and freak out
Medical play
Needles
Scat
Electricity
Animals
Children

I'm sure there are more, but it's early and my brain isn't completely on yet

(in reply to fadedshadow)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: list of hard limits - 11/26/2009 4:46:16 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		there are the usual ones, as people have mentioned already. scat, kids, animals, death.

as you look for a prospective D you need to check out what he's into - allow for the fact that if hes even a little bit experienced he will have things on his list you might feel squicky about, but.......

believe me, when youre with someone you trust, who respects youre newness and nervousness a long list of limits starts to gradually diminish and become largely redundant as he builds up youre faith in him.

eventually youll find youreself in a relationship, ideally, where pleasing him and giving him what he wants to enjoy with you becomes the main criteria. but you have to find someone who is on youre wave length and isnt hard core on something that leaves you cold. if youre into bondage and he's more into full on S&m you prolly dont have a match.

but its a balance. in the end what counts is that you find someone who is caring, careful and wont push you too hard too fast in areas that youre inexperienced with.

i would personally avoid a long list of 'no's' when you dont really know what youre saying no to. just hang with the obvious ones as hard limits and make a soft limit list of all those things youre not sure about yet. soft limits are those things that you might consider if you trust the guy enough or you feel ready to try it a little when everything else is in place.

having a long hard limit list is actually going to put an awful lot of people off, itll look like youre not really prepared to give up control or that youre only here for what you can get out of a bdsm relationship - there has to be a reasonable amount of open mindedness going on, at least enough for someone to feel that youre submissive needs are not completely tied in with what you want with no room for experimentation or expanding youre repertoire.

as has often been said, stretching soft limits is acceptable. hard limits should be respected and should never be pushed (though exceptions do occur) - if you say 'i dont ever want to be caned' youre straight away losing a good 80% of youre interest base. i used to say that, ive since discovered that caning can be ok if done expertly and carefully. it wont ever be on my 'jolly' list, but i dont rule it out now just because it scares me because i know that a vast proportion of the guys out there enjoy that activity.

bottom line, find someone on youre wave length and work out youre limits with them.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: list of hard limits - 11/26/2009 2:50:02 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Carol and I never really discussed such a list. If we had one, it'd be up to me and it would probably say something like, "Nothing inconsistent with loving her". Given the entire spectrum of possibilities, it is undoubtedly true that some possible commands would be truly injurious to her. My expectation is that she make every effort to do and enjoy whatever it is I want. However, if that turns out to truly not be possible, then I wouldn't want anything which was truly causing her harm.

At least for us, the boundaries can be described by the word "love".

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to lapgirl)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: list of hard limits - 11/26/2009 8:26:01 PM   
KateyCaine


Posts: 274
Joined: 5/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...so, what is a hard limit for you?...


making lists of hard limits.
 
this slave leaves that up to the one calling the shots - Master.


i am of the same mindset - i trust His knowledge of my body, my heart and my mind and their limits, frailties and strengths. i trust in His complete concern and care for my well-being and i obey His will with perfect love and perfect trust.

(Although, i will say that at the outset, before our love and commitment to eachother solidified, i did have SOME hard limits, which had come from fear due to a BDSM relationship twelve years ago that was exploitative and traumatic. They were: breath control/suffocation, electricity, and hard, forceful whipping or cropping, piercing, and pain in general. These are certainly not hard limits anymore, i have to say......)


k.









































_____________________________

Proud to be owned and cherished by Master Charles (Gauge)

i wear His collar on my heart; and wherever i am, i know He is with me.

His love and my devotion and service to Him are stronger than leather or steel.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: list of hard limits - 11/26/2009 9:36:25 PM   
Llyren


Posts: 637
Joined: 3/5/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline 		I know, I know.  I'm not a 'twu sub', because I just thought of another one, and realized it really is a dealbreaker for me.  Or a 'deal won't be starting no matter what' thing.  Abuse of the word 'you' was already on the list, but abuse of pronouns comes a close second.   Doesn't matter how perfect a D-type might be, if the profile is full of W/we, etc, then I'm sure you're a nice person, and good luck on finding someone, but that someone isn't me. 




_____________________________

I'm not perving. I'm compensating for my myopia. So nyah.


Member of Cock-Suckers for World Peace

"Character is what you are in the dark."

- Lord John Whorfin

(in reply to KateyCaine)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: list of hard limits - 11/27/2009 7:43:34 AM   
enrapturedsoul


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/12/2009
Status: offline 		No blood,  needles,  permanent marks (including piercings), knives,  animals, children,  sharing with someone who hasn't been tested for std's,  loss of limbs, etc

(in reply to Llyren)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: list of hard limits - 11/27/2009 8:23:45 AM   
alittleevil


Posts: 235
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lapgirl
just curious as to some of the things people have on their list of hard limits? i am sure there are so many more "no's" for me that i may not have thought about. i want to be able to submit my list and never worry that i should have added something additional.... so, what is a hard limit for you?


Hello,

I don't have "hard limits" here. They wouldn't do me a damn bit of good. And yet...i still have life and limb(s), function quite well mentally and in all aspects of my life, and have no legal or moral wreckage.

If i were to engage in SM with someone else, i'd ask not to be tickled, more for their sake than mine. I have no medical concerns to mention and no other phobias, aversions or inhibitions. I have a few dislikes and i'd-really-rather-not-if-it-were-left-up-to-me's but i only mention them if someone asks. Master doesn't ask and not a one of them would do me irreparable harm if someone else were to require them of me.

What, exactly, is the purpose of your "hard limits list?"  Seriously, ask yourself that when you are making it.

Medical/psych concerns are only good sense to talk about, and many people do have triggers that are only right to mention while talking to the person you are playing with. Dislikes/distastes are good to know if everyone is supposed to only be having fun (and they change!).  Talk about them openly and honestly.  Things that could effect your employment/family can be easily discussed without making a formal list.

The Big Four (scat, animals, minors, dismemberment)? Sigh. Why bother?  If you're getting into this and you find yourself all tied up what's really going to stop someone from slapping you in a Depends and shoving a laxative down your throat or taking a dump on your chest if they are so inclined?  Just the fact that scat was on your list?? I don't think so.  The other ones ?  If one is so unfortunate as to choose someone who would go there without your willing participation...well, there are more problems there than just the fact that you neglected to set up a sufficiently encompassing list of limits.  A pre-negotiated list isn't going to save anyone from falling into prey to a psychopath.

Rather than making a list of "do not do's" to hand out, why not talk, about your likes, dislikes, fantasies, fears, issues etc etc with someone, before they pick up the whip?

Peace,
aj







_____________________________

Throw me to the wolves because there's order in the pack (RHCP)

(in reply to lapgirl)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: list of hard limits - 11/27/2009 10:03:10 AM   
trappedinamuseum


Posts: 5066
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		I had one hard limit when we met: no exhibitionism or public nudity.

A year later?  That one is loooooong gone.

I don't really have any limits.  There are things I do not like, do not find appealing, and have no interest in, but at the end of the day, I'm his.  I don't need them because not only do I trust him to not do anything to harm me, but I also trust him never to ask me to do anything that would make him lose respect for me, or me lost respect for myself.

And that's enough for me.

Will they change?  Probably.  But I am okay with that, because I like exploring.  I like my limits being pushed, seeing how far I go.  I like the rush.


_____________________________

"You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside you soul.
Don't come back for me.
Don't come back at all" - Jar of Hearts

(in reply to alittleevil)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: list of hard limits - 11/27/2009 10:23:29 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

The Big Four (scat, animals, minors, dismemberment)? Sigh. Why bother? If you're getting into this and you find yourself all tied up what's really going to stop someone from slapping you in a Depends and shoving a laxative down your throat or taking a dump on your chest if they are so inclined? Just the fact that scat was on your list?? I don't think so.


While it is true that having that on my list would not stop him from doing it, it will provide me with an excuse when someone asks why I beat the crap out him and his new nickname is "ball less wonder"


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This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: list of hard limits - 11/27/2009 11:50:27 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lapgirl

just curious as to some of the things people have on their list of hard limits? i am sure there are so many more "no's" for me that i may not have thought about. i want to be able to submit my list and never worry that i should have added something additional.... so, what is a hard limit for you?

i think we all have a "no" or two. What is most important i think is to have GOOD COMMUNICATION because you CAN'T know ALL of your "no's" You may not like something but you don't know it yet cause you've either never heard of it...or tried it. i sincerely hope that no "D" type would have their "s" type submit a list and say "This is it, you can't change your mind" (adding, or removing)
And if a "D" type ever did say this?.....i would feel compelled to RUN in the other direction.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to lapgirl)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: list of hard limits - 11/28/2009 6:54:24 AM   
lapgirl


Posts: 116
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline

i just want to thank you all for the responses i have recieved to this question... it really has been helpful . i like how they run the gamit from basically putting your trust completely into the DOminant to short listing things....

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: list of hard limits - 12/7/2009 4:54:47 PM   
FetishHound


Posts: 27
Joined: 11/11/2009
Status: offline 		I have some limits.No bloodletting,breaking bones or anything that could cause any type of damage to the girl.

(in reply to lapgirl)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: list of hard limits - 12/7/2009 5:07:43 PM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious





God I love being a native New Englander.. I didn't break any laws today.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 60
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