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Question - 11/24/2009 4:51:24 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline 		Well, this weekend was.....hard.

I will try to make this as short as possible. We have been together for about 6 months. But it feels longer to me (in a good way) and He agreed.

Anyway, it all stemmed from an email i sent, and yes, now i know that Facebook is poison when it comes to relationships. i had asked Him why He had not accepted my relationship request and He asked if it was the "Single" status that was bothering me. i said yes and He took His dating status comepletly out. And with hindsight being 20/20, i should have been satisfied with that. But, what did i do? email Him and ask if He was hiding me, not wanting His friends or anyone to know.

Well, what happened? He shut me out for over a day. No texts, calls, emails or anything. We were supposed to get together Saturday night, but by 7 pm i figured that wasn't going to happen and went home aftter work. Was i mad at the silence? Damn right, i didn't know what was going on. Then i started to worry, no communication from Him is highly unusual. i was getting to the point where i was ready to start calling hospitals, thinking Him in a ditch somehwere.

Then i see it, a post saying that "Sometimes we all just need a little alone time" we see eachother everyday (almost) while i'm at work. He will stop by on His way home to say Hi and such. The only time we spend alot of time together is Friday or Saturdays night (i have a child)

i was hurt seeing that. Then He texted me to say He was alright, He was at His parents and that He needed to sort His shit out and would let me in on it soon. Well, i'm not one to be yanked around so i told Him i would be by to get what things i had at His place.

i went over Sunday evening. He apologized for shutting me out, realized that was not the way to handle things. He said He was uncomfortable with the "relationship push" i was making. Which surprised me, because, that's what we are in. He told me He is afraid of commitment (His parents have a very bad marriage and He knows that's where His issues arise from)

i was a little floored. i left and called Him a bit later because when i am hurt and/or upset i do not talk in person. my defense when i am hurt is to be a bitch, or dare i say, a cunt. You hurt me, damn right i will do it back. i realize this about myself and know what to do in this type of situation. i leave and talk on the phone, where i know i can be calm and more rational.

So, we talked. he explained what had happened and all. i told Him that He could have just said something in the first place, regardless of what He thinks, women CAN be understanding. He said that if i still wanted to be with Him after all that, then He wanted the same. i told Him that i would rather He decide, that i didn't want Him to feel i was pushing Him to continue with me.

He asked me to text Him when i got home but i emailed instead and explained all that to Him. i told Him that i am not looking to move in with anyone, nor get married. All i am looking for is someone who wants to be with me and just me. Who has no need to look for another. Someone who is willing to be faithful and happy with one person. i said if He wants to be with me, great. If not, let me know. i will survive.

We talked on the phone last night because He texted and said He had read it and said we should "take things easy and try to get over this hurdle as smoothly as possible" Did He mean to take a break? i didn't know so i called Him. i told Him again what i was looking for and that was it. Is that ok? He said yes, that's all He wants too. There, now on the same page.

Things are more or less back to normal, He admitted that He has issues He has to deal with and will talk to me before He shuts down again (which hopefully doesn't happen) i know He is afraid of being hurt, of opening Himself up to someone, but aren't we all? Until this, things were great between us and i was very happy.

Now here is my problem. i'm afraid to do or say anything He might take as pushing. For goodness sake, i'm scared to post anything on His profile (on another site we are both on) because i now feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Do i talk to Him about this? Do i say that I am now afraid to open up on the chance that He will repeat what just happened?

Or should i just pretend nothing happend?

i don't know what to do lol

If this doesn't make sense, i apologize lol

< Message edited by Elizabeth666 -- 11/24/2009 4:54:37 AM >
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 4:56:04 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm not sure where the angst is coming from.  There was an issue and the two of you have worked it through and you both now know about each other's buttons.

Just try telling him something like "I love you" next time you see him and a lot of the tension will melt away.

Give him a couple of days and then ask him if he has any lingering issues from the rift.  But it sounds like it's mostly if not all past.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 4:57:33 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

Just try telling him something like "I love you" next time you see him and a lot of the tension will melt away.


omg lol

He knows i do, but i don't have the guts to say it in person.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 5:10:39 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You tell him that because of his problems and his way of responding you are afraid to say anything honest or emotional to him. That you are afraid to post a comment on his profile anywhere, that you are afraid to admit you love him, etc.

And you decide if living like this is worth it or if you actually need someone who will be able to admit he loves you. He makes the decisions for what he needs in his life, which may well mean putting up walls between him and anyone else. You make the decisions for what you need in your life and you don't accept less than that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Elizabeth666)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 6:44:44 AM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You tell him that because of his problems and his way of responding you are afraid to say anything honest or emotional to him. That you are afraid to post a comment on his profile anywhere, that you are afraid to admit you love him, etc.

And you decide if living like this is worth it or if you actually need someone who will be able to admit he loves you. He makes the decisions for what he needs in his life, which may well mean putting up walls between him and anyone else. You make the decisions for what you need in your life and you don't accept less than that.


I agree with this and what DarkSteven said. 

I would add that you need to work on your passive-aggressive tendencies. 

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 7:14:29 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		It's been my experience when a man says he needs space to sort things out...he needs space to sort things out. I'm confused about why the OP didn't understand that, it seems a basic to me. Not all feelings and situations are black and white.

I can see him attempting to communicate, and the OP pushed pushed pushed. Learning to back off when he needs it could be very beneficial to your relationship.


_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to Aylee)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 7:32:18 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

Now here is my problem. i'm afraid to do or say anything He might take as pushing. For goodness sake, i'm scared to post anything on His profile (on another site we are both on) because i now feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Do i talk to Him about this? Do i say that I am now afraid to open up on the chance that He will repeat what just happened?

Or should i just pretend nothing happend?

i don't know what to do lol



In the best scenario you continue to be the way you always have been. That's consistancy. Yes, you might feel awkward right this moment, I expect he does too.

Facebook isn't poison to relationships.....misunderstandings and not knowing each other is. You seemed to be bothered about his *Single* status on a profile ......but you didn't tell him how YOU felt, you asked him what HE felt, in a weird accusatory manner.(re. the post)
Maybe problems could have been at least side-stepped if you had admitted your own vulnerable feelings about seeing the *Single* sat there. ( ie. I'm worried, maybe irrationally, I'm a little hurt and feel you want to hide my existence, I may be completely off track, but would rather tell you and talk about it  than wonder about it and fester without any facts)

There's been an emotional situation and the results of it don't necessarily disapate the moment you get *back to normal*. In my experience, it continues to be processed on both sides.

The fact is that you're not *back to normal*......you've trodden in places that are uncomfortable and significant and you have to adjust and get used to the feelings it highlighted.

Yes.... speaking to him IS the only way. Operating out of fear that he's going to disappear is travelling in the opposite direction, as is pretending nothing happened. Just grab the nettle and sort it out. It DID happen , it IS an issue that is likely to arise again ......... be in it together, not skirting around trying not to *upset* each other.

agirl







(in reply to Elizabeth666)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 8:45:18 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

It's been my experience when a man says he needs space to sort things out...he needs space to sort things out. I'm confused about why the OP didn't understand that, it seems a basic to me. Not all feelings and situations are black and white.

I can see him attempting to communicate, and the OP pushed pushed pushed. Learning to back off when he needs it could be very beneficial to your relationship.



I understand space and that everyone needs it. But what got me is that this is a person who always commun icates with me in one form or another. Every morning He would text to say Hi, we talk through the day and He always texts goodnight. When He totally feel off the radar and didn't tell me anything until after the fact is what got me. Had He just said at the very beginning of all this "Hey, I need some space" or whatever, that would have been fine.

But, i was toally ignored and didn't know what the hell was going on. He shut off all communication and that is what confused me. He didn't attempt to communicate with me at all until after the fact. To go from constant contact to absolutely nothing with no indication that that was going to happen was not cool.

He says i can always talk to Him about anything, and all i expected was the same in return. Tell me you need space, sort your shit out and then get back to me. But to totally ignore me was hurtful.





(in reply to daintydimples)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 8:50:41 AM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

It's been my experience when a man says he needs space to sort things out...he needs space to sort things out. I'm confused about why the OP didn't understand that, it seems a basic to me. Not all feelings and situations are black and white.

I can see him attempting to communicate, and the OP pushed pushed pushed. Learning to back off when he needs it could be very beneficial to your relationship.



I understand space and that everyone needs it. But what got me is that this is a person who always commun icates with me in one form or another. Every morning He would text to say Hi, we talk through the day and He always texts goodnight. When He totally feel off the radar and didn't tell me anything until after the fact is what got me. Had He just said at the very beginning of all this "Hey, I need some space" or whatever, that would have been fine.

But, i was toally ignored and didn't know what the hell was going on. He shut off all communication and that is what confused me. He didn't attempt to communicate with me at all until after the fact. To go from constant contact to absolutely nothing with no indication that that was going to happen was not cool.

He says i can always talk to Him about anything, and all i expected was the same in return. Tell me you need space, sort your shit out and then get back to me. But to totally ignore me was hurtful.







Who is the d-type and who is the s-type? 



_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 8:59:53 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

  Who is the d-type and who is the s-type?


He is the D type.


(in reply to Aylee)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:02:44 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline 		And i did say that i realize i should have been satisfied with what He did as far as FB goes. But i don't think that warranted totally shutting me out.

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:03:15 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Ok, so you get insecure when he disappears (it would seem).  How bout asking him to send you a text that says "I need an alone day" or something like that... That way he has his space without you getting spastic.

*I understand the tendency to feeling the freaked outedness when someone virtually disappears from their regular routine.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:05:33 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Ok, so you get insecure when he disappears (it would seem).  How bout asking him to send you a text that says "I need an alone day" or something like that... That way he has his space without you getting spastic.

*I understand the tendency to feeling the freaked outedness when someone virtually disappears from their regular routine.


This is the first time He has ever done somthing like that. He said He sees now that he should have just let me know instead of shutting me out.


(in reply to sunshinemiss)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:06:17 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Oh, I can relate! The particulars of my situation are different, but I have been where you are. Here’s my take.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

He says i can always talk to Him about anything, and all i expected was the same in return. Tell me you need space, sort your shit out and then get back to me. But to totally ignore me was hurtful.



Ignoring you was hurtful. OK, now move on. Quit holding this against him and quit stewing about it. (Now if he does it again, that’s something else, but so far, he hasn’t.) You don’t want him holding your self-proclaimed bitchy behavior against you, do you?

Regarding Facebook: what’s the big deal? So you don’t feel comfortable posting on his profile . . .then don’t. Is that a dealbreaker? It’s Facebook, for crying out loud. If you don’t know how to post on his profile without feeling uncomfortable about it, just take Facebook out of the equation.

Regarding now feeling like you can't talk to him about your feelings: it was helpful to me in a similar situation to consider why I wanted to share certain feelings. I realized that I wanted to share certain feelings to make him feel bad about his behavior. In other words, I was being passive aggressive. All feelings don’t have to be shared with him. I can write about them, talk them over with a friend, etc. If my motive is pure—sharing feelings to build closeness, for example—then I share; if my motive is to push a particular agenda, then I don’t share.

Good luck.


< Message edited by lucylucy -- 11/24/2009 9:09:22 AM >

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to Aylee)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:07:05 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		So y'all had an issue, resolved it, he came up with a solution.  What's the problem?  Let it go already.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:10:19 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

Oh, I can relate! The particulars of my situation are different, but I have been where you are. Here’s my take.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

I understand space and that everyone needs it. But what got me is that this is a person who always commun icates with me in one form or another. Every morning He would text to say Hi, we talk through the day and He always texts goodnight. When He totally feel off the radar and didn't tell me anything until after the fact is what got me. Had He just said at the very beginning of all this "Hey, I need some space" or whatever, that would have been fine.

But, i was toally ignored and didn't know what the hell was going on. He shut off all communication and that is what confused me. He didn't attempt to communicate with me at all until after the fact. To go from constant contact to absolutely nothing with no indication that that was going to happen was not cool.

He says i can always talk to Him about anything, and all i expected was the same in return. Tell me you need space, sort your shit out and then get back to me. But to totally ignore me was hurtful.



Ignoring you was hurtful. OK, now move on. Quit holding this against him and quit stewing about it. (Now if he does it again, that’s something else, but so far, he hasn’t.) You don’t want him holding your self-proclaimed bitchy behavior against you, do you?

Regarding Facebook: what’s the big deal? So you don’t feel comfortable posting on his profile . . .then don’t. Is that a dealbreaker? It’s Facebook, for crying out loud. If you don’t know how to post on his profile without feeling uncomfortable about it, just take Facebook out of the equation.

Regarding now feeling like you can talk to him about your feelings: it was helpful to me in a similar situation to consider why I wanted to feel certain feelings. I realized that I wanted to share certain feelings to make him feel bad about his behavior. In other words, I was being passive aggressive. All feelings don’t have to be shared with him. I can write about them, talk them over with a friend, etc. If my motive is pure—sharing feelings to build closeness, for example—then I share; if my motive is to push a particular agenda, then I don’t share.

Good luck.



The other site i was referring to (that both he and i are on) is another BDSM site.

i'm not holding it against Him. My question was now I feel awkward and uncomfortable and being new to this lifestyle, i'm not sure how to express my feelings. i'm afraid of saying something that he is going to take the wrong way and then go through all this again. So, how do i handle the situation?

he know He hurt me, i know how i made Him feel, so we're past that part.

(in reply to lucylucy)
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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:12:25 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

So y'all had an issue, resolved it, he came up with a solution.  What's the problem?  Let it go already.


With all due respect, my question was now I feel uncomfortable about talking to Him about anything. How do i handle that? i'm afraid to say anything now, worrying He might take off again.

All i wanted was suggestions on how to handle this


(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:16:35 AM   
imber


Posts: 51
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline 		With all due respect, I went thru this same ordeal. Totally ignored, for no reason. There really is nothing that you can do about it. You just have to learn to accept things the way they are as of now, and try to get over it.

_____________________________

That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly.

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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:22:16 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imber

With all due respect, I went thru this same ordeal. Totally ignored, for no reason. There really is nothing that you can do about it. You just have to learn to accept things the way they are as of now, and try to get over it.


Ok, that's all i was wanting to know. How to handle it. Thank you

(in reply to imber)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:24:40 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline 		I don't know if i said this, but this is my first D/s relationship and i find it obviously different from the vanilla ones i have had. i wasn't sure if a D type thought differently that another person and if there was a certain "protocal" to something like this.

i apologize to anyone if i seemed snarky, i was just looking for a suggestion on what to do

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
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