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RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:30:21 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666


i'm not holding it against Him. My question was now I feel awkward and uncomfortable and being new to this lifestyle, i'm not sure how to express my feelings. i'm afraid of saying something that he is going to take the wrong way and then go through all this again. So, how do i handle the situation?



I would still say that you should consider why you want to ask him certain things or share certain feelings. If your motives are pure, ask or share (and if he has a problem, maybe this relationship wasn't meant to be). If you have ANY type of agenda (making him feel bad about the situation you posted about, wanting to know things that are just unreasonable to know, etc.) don't ask or share.

Here's what I mean by wanting to know things that are unreasonable to know. I initially wanted to always know where my boyfriend was. It made me crazy to not know where he was. But, I realized that the reason I wanted to know where he was at all times was because I didn't trust him--and that lack of trust had NOTHING to do with him, it had to do with my ex. Once I realized that, I realized that wanting to know where he was at all times was completely unreasonable and I stopped asking. When I stopped asking, he felt that I trusted him more and our relationship was strengthened.


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(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:32:02 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

So y'all had an issue, resolved it, he came up with a solution.  What's the problem?  Let it go already.


With all due respect, my question was now I feel uncomfortable about talking to Him about anything. How do i handle that? i'm afraid to say anything now, worrying He might take off again.

All i wanted was suggestions on how to handle this




Talk about it. Tell HIM.

You say " Now I feel uncomfortable talking to you about anything. I'm afraid to say anything in case you take off again".........if that how you think and feel.

I bet you a pound to a dollar he's thinking something similar like ..... " If I need to have a few hours away from her to think when she's pushing me, even though I tell her *I'm sorting my shit out and will tell you soon*...she's going to do a dramatic highland fling and *pick all her stuff up*"

Easiest way........ just say it.

agirl

ETA. Finding out about each other has nothing to do with D/s and none of your post has anything to do with D/s.


< Message edited by agirl -- 11/24/2009 9:35:16 AM >

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 9:34:32 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		This guy has admitted to you that he's got some significant intimacy issues. And so do you, OP.

If you can both give each other enough space to work them out, great. But if what he's doing feels like pushing you away, instead of drawing you near, then you need to address that. People in a relationship where they feel continually pushed away and shut out, are likely to take the hint and leave it.

You need to articulate clearly to him, that this will likely be the result if he doesn't get it together and let you all the way in. And you need to model this behavior for him, yourself. So he can see what it looks and feels like, and you can too. But if you're afraid to, you won't be able to. And with the way he's acting, I'd be afraid to, too.

How many years of your youth is this guy worth, if he keeps pushing you away all the time you are trying to draw him near? He is ruled by his fear, and so are you. Don't be. Change it up now, today. Talk with him, giving him clear expectations of your needs. And get clear on his. If he insists on keeping more emotional distance than you want/need, would you still stay with him, over time? Or would that eventually make it necessary for you to leave, to seek the emotional closeness that you crave? What does he see- what does he hope for, in his future? What do you? If you want children, giving them an emotionally distant dad would really suck ass. And it happens a lot.

That's all for now, good luck!

ETA: Oh, I see you already have a child. This makes it all the more important that you model a good, healthy relationship. Does he shut out your child, too?

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 11/24/2009 9:36:49 AM >

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(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 3:11:15 PM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

I don't know if i said this, but this is my first D/s relationship and i find it obviously different from the vanilla ones i have had. i wasn't sure if a D type thought differently that another person and if there was a certain "protocal" to something like this.

i apologize to anyone if i seemed snarky, i was just looking for a suggestion on what to do


Yes, there is a protocal.  Put your big girl pants on and act like a mature adult. 

Furthermore, all people think differently.  Just stop freaking out about everything.  Strip the emotions away and actually look at what is going on.

Does it matter?
Will it matter in 5 years?
How about 1 year?
6 months?
Next month?
Next week?
Tomarrow?
In an hour?

Well. . . now you can decide just how important it is. 

_____________________________

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(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 4:08:25 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		FR

I think you both overreacted. I hope you can look at the situation from an objective point and see really how silly this all is in the greater sense of it all. 

I think both of you should use this opporitunity to get to know each other better,(yanno, not regular superficial chit chat, I'm talking about deeper conversation) because I think that is what "the problem" is , if one can use that word.

Don't be afraid to just say how you feel outloud. You don't read minds and he doesn't either.  The only way for you to get to know each other on the level that you can anticipate the actions and reactions of each other is through honest conversation. .  Be honest and straight forward, i.e. "when I'm upset I'm liable to react _________"., "what makes me secure in a relationship is ________" etc.  There really isn't any other way in my mind to overcome the akwardness (which really is nothing else than both of you trying to guess each others reactions with little or no data).

Good luck.

(in reply to Aylee)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 4:13:09 PM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline 		Well, i know i have to really think if this is worth it.

Thanks to all for the suggestions and advice. :)

(in reply to Viridana)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 4:15:45 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		OP-
Your guy sounds a lot like me.
When I am stressed or facing a problem, I want to retreat to a solitary place to figure it out. No, I DON'T want to "communicate", no I DON'T want to talk about it, and yes, I really DO want to be left alone.

This is a Venus/Mars thing. He does need space, and you need to accept that. But more, he is not certain he is that into you yet, and you imagine that there is some magic voodoo that you can weave to change that.

You can't. If he isn't ready to say I love you and go shopping for monogrammed towels, he isn't ready. I don't think you are confused, you just keep trying to find a way to change things.

Sorry, but dating is difficult, awkward and unpredictable. He might end up being the love of your life, or he might end up being a waste of time. You keep trying to eliminate the risk and make things certain and known; you hate being on a pitching boat, and want to be on solid ground.

You want a man who will be the captain of the ship and steer his own course; but you aren't ready yet to surrender control of the wheel and run the risk of drowning.

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Question - 11/24/2009 4:22:50 PM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

OP-
Your guy sounds a lot like me.
When I am stressed or facing a problem, I want to retreat to a solitary place to figure it out. No, I DON'T want to "communicate", no I DON'T want to talk about it, and yes, I really DO want to be left alone.



Which i have no problem with, my issue was that i didn't know that He wanted alone time until a day and a half after He cut me off.
Everyone wants and needs space at some point, i need it to sometimes.

Anyway, there is no right or worng here. We both could have handled the situation better and that has been realized.

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 1:43:23 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		~FR~

Elizabeth: I'd relax about the minutiae of what either of your FB (or wherever) profiles say. I assume you're both more than mature enough to realise that what goes on on those sites isn't necessarily a good reflection of real life. For example, an ex colleague of mine "kissed me" on YoVille. Am I emailing her to find out if there's more to it? No, cos that'd be stupid.

Next time, can I suggest you phone him first?

As for being careful what you post, how about you talk to him about it and properly clear the air?

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(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 5:51:29 AM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline 		Hi Elizabeth,

I know a lot of people are saying you overreacted, but I disagree. You two have been together for 6 months and you say you talk nearly every day. He should know by now whether he wants to exclusively be with you.

I have a lot of different thoughts about this so I'm just going to number them.

1. You say you should have been happy with what he did on FB - why? You asked him if he would publicly identify you as his girlfriend and he refused. Not announcing that you're single is NOT the same as announcing that you're in a committed relationship with a specific person. And not only did he not identify that he was in a relationship with you, he didn't identify that he was even in a relationship - he just tried to make the situation disappear without resolving the issue behind it.

2. You say you communicate in some form every day - talking isn't the same as communicating. Do you really *communicate* every day or do you say hi and talk about your day?

3. I personally would only stay with someone who had 'intimacy issues' if they were willing to be open with me about what steps they were taking to resolve it. I'm not going to waste years of my life with someone who's perfectly content having intimacy issues and who won't ever really commit to me.

4. You say a D/s relationship is different from a vanilla one - not in the fundamentals, unless you want it to be. Submitting doesn't mean accepting everything that's thrown your way and staying with him throughout it. And even if you have a TPE dynamic that doesn't mean you have to submit to everything - you always have the option to leave and find someone who wants the same thing you want.

5. Most importantly - I don't know you, I don't know him, and I don't know the specifics. But I can give you some universal advice - if you're not happy with the way things are, if you don't want it to be just like this forever, you should not accept it. You don't have to give an ultimatum or anything, but imagine in your head what it is you do want, and work toward that...slowly if you need to, but if you force yourself to accept this just because you're afraid of losing him, ask yourself why you're afraid of losing something that you really don't want anyway.

< Message edited by Elisabella -- 11/25/2009 6:08:43 AM >

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 6:07:56 AM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

This is a Venus/Mars thing. He does need space, and you need to accept that. But more, he is not certain he is that into you yet, and you imagine that there is some magic voodoo that you can weave to change that.



IMO, if he doesn't know, then he isn't.

We're not talking about if he's into her enough to marry her...but after six months, if he were interested in a relationship with her he would have one.

Maybe I'm projecting my own feelings here, but every guy I was dating who I didn't want to be my boyfriend after a month, was someone I was just dating for fun. To go out and do things with, basically "friends with benefits" except the benefits were dinners drinks and dancing.

I personally can't imagine it taking half a year of dating someone to decide whether I want to be their girlfriend...and I just know someone's going to respond to me about how they did exactly this, which is good because the OP should hear both sides of the argument

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 6:52:09 AM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

He asked if it was the "Single" status that was bothering me. i said yes...

i told Him that i am not looking to move in with anyone, nor get married.

Seems to me you want to eat your cake and have it too.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

All i am looking for is someone who wants to be with me and just me. Who has no need to look for another. Someone who is willing to be faithful and happy with one person.

But who won't commit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

He said He was uncomfortable with the "relationship push" i was making... He told me He is afraid of commitment

Birds of a feather.

You two need to either get together, or get apart. Things will only get worse the way they're going.

Just my opinion.

K.



< Message edited by Kirata -- 11/25/2009 7:13:53 AM >

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 6:54:06 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

So y'all had an issue, resolved it, he came up with a solution.  What's the problem?  Let it go already.


With all due respect, my question was now I feel uncomfortable about talking to Him about anything. How do i handle that? i'm afraid to say anything now, worrying He might take off again.

All i wanted was suggestions on how to handle this




Well I believe I did answer, but perhaps it wasn't clear.  *It's been known to happen*.  *wink.

You let it go.  That's how you handle it.  How do you let it go?  By speaking up.  Saying your piece - write, speak, put it in pictures, somehow communicate.  And if it happens again, then you have information.  You know it is his way of interacting in the world.  You decide then if you can handle the angst.  If it doesn't happen again, then there is nothing to handle at that point.

It is a big brave thing to do, but without it, your relationship WILL die.  If you do speak up, you HAVE A CHANCE. 

We all have our quirky ways of interacting in the world.  Can you handle his?  Can he handle yours?  Is it worth it?  All you can do is throw yourself in it. 

There's a song - you gotta sing like you don't need the money, love like you'll never get hurt, you gotta dance like nobody's watching.  It's gotta come from the heart if you want it to work.

I know you are hurting.  I know it is difficult.  But you CAN do this.  You just have to decide if you want to be a participant or an observer in this relationship.

Best,
sunshine


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(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 7:06:50 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

So y'all had an issue, resolved it, he came up with a solution.  What's the problem?  Let it go already.


With all due respect, my question was now I feel uncomfortable about talking to Him about anything. How do i handle that? i'm afraid to say anything now, worrying He might take off again.

All i wanted was suggestions on how to handle this




Makes sense to me.

But... that said... you still gotta talk to him about it. He needs to know that you don't feel secure bringing up relationship issues because it's a large part of the relationship he's controlling and he needs the info.

He might take off again. He might continue to do that. Maybe it's something you can live with. Maybe it's something you can't. But you won't figure that out until you start talking.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 7:49:15 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666

. i left and called Him a bit later because when i am hurt and/or upset i do not talk in person. my defense when i am hurt is to be a bitch, or dare i say, a cunt. You hurt me, damn right i will do it back. i realize this about myself and know what to do in this type of situation. i leave and talk on the phone, where i know i can be calm and more rational.



You are on to something with the phone thing. Many people who have trouble opening up (men included) find direct eye contact VERY hard to deal with during an emotionally intense conversation and the first thing the other person, who wants an honest answer, does is scrutinize his face for clues. It has to do with vulnerability and most people are not conscious of this. So you may be keeping your temper at bay and helping to make it easier on him too.

A psychologist once told me that if you want to have a good conversation with a man who is a little bit guarded, a very good time to get him to open up is on a car ride. You're alone together, close, but no forced eye contact.

--------------------------------------------------------

Darksteven has a lot more experience with this dynamic than I do, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
I can only speak as someone who has parents who had a bad relationship. I love you = Scary (to me). It means there is no going back, either you make things work forever, or you failed. It means you might one day marry this person and then you have to wonder if you are compatible in a way that will last forever because you don't want a relationship like your parents had. You want to stop yourself from making bad, short-term choices. It puts A LOT of pressure on things. Analyzing instead of enjoying...

Though I didn't say "I love you" first in my most recent relationship, I initiated the conversation of  "it's been 6 months and if you're not sure how you feel yet..." Well the thought of me leaving made him say it, but I can tell you that 2 years later, I still couldn't believe that he really loved me (and he never once mistreated me)! Maybe that's more of a personal problem, but if you feel insecure about having pushed things, maybe letting him be the one to say the magic words to you when the time is right for him would be a perfect way of putting this lingering angst to rest.

(If the words never come, it will be less painful to deal with it sooner than to always wonder if he just says it to keep you around bc it's comfortable.)
 
That's speaking from a vanilla experience though, so take it for what it's worth.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 8:10:18 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elizabeth666


quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

OP-
Your guy sounds a lot like me.
When I am stressed or facing a problem, I want to retreat to a solitary place to figure it out. No, I DON'T want to "communicate", no I DON'T want to talk about it, and yes, I really DO want to be left alone.



Which i have no problem with, my issue was that i didn't know that He wanted alone time until a day and a half after He cut me off.
Everyone wants and needs space at some point, i need it to sometimes.

Anyway, there is no right or worng here. We both could have handled the situation better and that has been realized.


I've never known a guy yet who didn't do the disappearing act when something upsets or bothers him. 

It's all in YOUR perception.  YOU call it "Him cutting me off".  HE most likely just "needed some time alone".  HE didn't "cut you off".  YOU FELT cut off, but it isn't actually what HE technically DID.  HE knew he'd talk to you again, and being a guy (tongue-in-cheek here, guys, bear with me  ) was totally clueless to how upset you were....he was doing what he needed to do for 24 hours, so you must be needing time alone for 24 hours, too!  Guys do tend to have an "I'm happy, you must be happy too!" way of looking at things  

And then he came around, you talked, it was settled, "and trust me, it IS settled in HIS mind!  Trust me that he is not lying awake at night thinking about the episode like you are....in HIS mind, it's settled and life is good again!  You would do well to take that approach with it, too, stop analy-agonizing over it and move on.  (That's a combination of analyzing & agonizing)

It's not that your boyfriend is a jerk.  He actually is being pretty darn typical.  And now you know that HE is going to need some time alone when something's bothering him.  It might be an hour, it might be a day, it might be three days if it's something as disturbing as his team losing the Super Bowl.  So now, WHEN it happens again, what you can do is accept it, knowing that he'll come around soon, and you go carry on with the part of your life that you SHOULD have that doesn't involve him until he does come around.  He'll appreciate you for it and you will be a much more mature person for it.  But I can guarantee that if you start nagging him about it every time it happens and start demanding that he share his feelings with you right away and crying and stamping your feet because he's not at your beck and call, then you're eventually going to lose him.

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(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 11:38:33 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples
It's been my experience when a man says he needs space to sort things out...he needs space to sort things out.


My experience is that when a man says that, he's actually not that into you and just stringing you along as a booty call till he finds someone he really does want.

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Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 2:16:05 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

He knows i do, but i don't have the guts to say it in person.


You are manipulating him, trying to fit your behaviour around his expectations. That is why you need such a long introduction telling us about your problems. This will ruin your relationship, if you're actually having one, which I doubt.

Try to just go for what you want, and take the consequences. Be straight, stop pussyfooting around the truth, and stop trying to get information to help you decide what to do. You're already in such a bad place that you have to come here to get more information - this time from people who don't know either of you, and you want to use that "help" so you can put him where you want him. Trust me, the only problem here is you, and you have the tools to stop yourself.

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 2:31:45 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples
It's been my experience when a man says he needs space to sort things out...he needs space to sort things out.


My experience is that when a man says that, he's actually not that into you and just stringing you along as a booty call till he finds someone he really does want.


Nah, I'm getting married in 2 months and I know sometimes the best thing to do when my fiance is upset is just go do other things...or even just lay right next to him on my laptop, both of us with our headphones on, in our own space. It's actually theraputic, the last time we got into an argument over the phone, I ended up going out and shooting pool by myself for a few hours because I knew if I was home when he got home I'd keep the argument going, and I didn't want to do that. When I did get home we were both more relaxed...and interestingly enough we were able to get past it without either of us saying we were wrong. Because it seemed less important when we talked about it...we just talked about why we got upset and left it at that.

I do think, though, that if what sets him off into that space is "why won't you tell you're friends you're with me" then yeah. Not that into her, and also a bit of a manipulator for trying to get rid of the 'problem' (the facebook status) without actually resolving the issue that caused the problem.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Question - 11/25/2009 2:33:01 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
You are manipulating him, trying to fit your behaviour around his expectations.


I thought trying to fit your behaviour around his expectations was known as 'submission' around here?

Manipulation is trying to change *his* behaviour to fit *her* expectations.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 40
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