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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 2:03:35 PM

antipode

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Not really answerable - it is hard to answer a personal question when there is no information about the person - gender, age, country (culture). You know what I mean?

(in reply to SueACydell)

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 2:04:44 PM

MsSpookshow

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If you have felt that you have been lied too and then he attempted to brush it under the carpet or just out and out lied about lying then you have to decide for yourself do you want to be with someone like this?

I think you need to examine your relationship with this person and decide is it all worth giving up for this lie? If so then move on, if not forget this incident and see if it happens again in the future. It may never happen again, then again it may.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 2:19:38 PM

AnimusRex

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OK, he lied to you. It isn't the grand mal "oh, he's actually married" lie, but it isn't the "no, your butt really looks tiny in those jeans" either.

The question is what to do about it. I will go out on a limb and say that a great deal of people lie from time to time, and do things that are dishonest and mean at some point in their life.

The thing is, most good relationships can recover, heal, and grow past it. Part of loving someone is accepting their failings and flaws. Part of being loved is knowing she sees our flaws, and loves us anyway.

It isn't to say you should ignore it; I would advise dealing with it openly and honestly, but also being open to forgiveness and reconciliation. It is humiliating to be caught in a lie, and if he senses this is a End of Relationship Issue, his tendency will be to lie even more. Maybe it should be a "I am ok with you having an online life apart from me, but just let me know about it honestly" situation.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 2:27:53 PM

CelticSubM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

Not really answerable - it is hard to answer a personal question when there is no information about the person - gender, age, country (culture). You know what I mean?

That does raise an interesting point that I hadn't noticed. It's not clear that this point is significant in this case, but in general, it's an important one. The poster referred to the guy having said that his parents were coming in from out of the country. That suggests, though not conclusively, that the guy in question was himself from another country originally. Some cultures and subcultures attach a great value to candour. Others attach a great value to saving face. When dealing with someone whose origins are of another culture, it's very important to keep such things in mind. Of course, the basic point applies anyway. Every individual has a distinct set of attitudes, values, a distinct personal style of communication.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 2:28:06 PM

StarWishes

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Or maybe- he did NOT lie!
Yahoo does have glitches. But more to the point- unless my Yahoo IM is different that yours- I can see no way that I can make myself invisible to just one person. The way mine is set up I am vsible to all or invisiible to all.... I do not have a list to choose from.
Could it be that you are really amking a mountain out of a molehill.
He SAID he did not lie. BELIEVE HIM

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 2:31:18 PM

CarrieO

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quote:

ORIGINAL: StarWishes

Yahoo does have glitches. But more to the point- unless my Yahoo IM is different that yours- I can see no way that I can make myself invisible to just one person. The way mine is set up I am vsible to all or invisiible to all.... I do not have a list to choose from.

Stealth settings...right click on the person's name and you can choose to appear online/offline/permanently offline to a specific person.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 3:01:17 PM

Elisabella

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Well it *is* possible he didn't lie...maybe an ex gf knew his password and right-clicked his FL to go invisible on it, and since he had deleted your old handle it wasn't on his FL so you were still able to see him because he was just stealthed to his FL rather than invisible...so really you *are* only 99% sure.

My question to you is, when he said "I just logged on" why you didn't reply "I was logged on under my other handle on invisible and you were online to it." But honestly it's probably better you didn't.

I'm guessing there's a very simple explanation for this lie - and it's "he didn't want to talk to you at that time" - and before you go freaking out OMG HE DOESNT WANT TO TALK TO ME !!111111111 chill...maybe he was playing a game and stealthed his whole FL, maybe he was having a really serious chat with a family member and didn't want to be distracted, maybe he had YIM open to wait for a specific person to come online and stealthed everyone else...and then, doing the normal guy avoiding-shrieking-upset-women trick, said "I wasn't online" instead of "I was doing other stuff and didn't want you to distract me."

Cuz you know you'd have been upset if he'd said that. If you're the type of woman who will post on the internet to analyze his behaviour rather than just ask him...you KNOW you'd have been upset over that shit.

Of course it's equally possible he didn't want to be distracted from a torrid YIM love affair but if you say things are going well and this is the ONLY sign of anything wrong...FFS let it go. He probably lied to spare your feelings. Well okay, he probably lied to spare himself drama, but to spare himself drama *caused* by your feelings.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 3:22:32 PM

AQuietSimpleMan

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A Quick Answer to Both the question you have asked and the stubborn one you refuse to acknowledge.

How do I handle a lie? If I have been betrayed I make it known. If It bothered me in the least I make it known cause this passive agressinve bullshit would drive me bat shit in no time. If what he did upset you.... then you should probably let him know that you know and how you know and why you are 100% sure he had lied and then find out the why fors and how comes. Just know that that will most offten result in him saying "I don't need this shit who the fuck cares I wasn't available to you and told you so." If you are going to nit pick the fuck out of this then how much do you really trust him? If you don't trust him why botther? If he is all the wonderful things that you say he is then are you really going to let this shit bother you that much?

As for the YIM I never actually log out of YIM. I just go Invisible. Period. Sometimes I have certain people that I am expecting to contact me for specific things and so I invisible everyone but the person I am waiting for so that they contact me. If I do that then OLD contacts will still see me as ONLINE because I have deleted them out of my list but they may still have me on theirs.

Of all the people that you should be talking to coming onto a forum and asking us what we would do if in your situation was probably the least effective control group. If you can't talk to him about this now just imagine what a relationship with him will look like.

QSM

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 4:02:25 PM

kiwisub12

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If he is as positive a person in your life as he sounds, forget about it, and go on. Everyone should get the benefit of the doubt at least once, and maybe even more.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 4:03:31 PM

Elisabella

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

If he is as positive a person in your life as he sounds, forget about it, and go on. Everyone should get the benefit of the doubt at least once, and maybe even more.

This.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 4:12:31 PM

agirl

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In your post you said you met him *recently* ....... it's not clear how *recently* recently is.......... but you have a thing together and you've invested trust. How much trust and about what, only you can know.

No-one can know what goes on in his life, what's important, what isn't, what balls he's holding in the air and what he trusts about you...........not if you've only known someone *recently*. He might not want to divulge *everything* to you......people tend to do it on a drip-drip basis. HE has to trust you too......trust you'll accept what he has going on without a big old fuss.

People DO fib about things.....An arena where BOTH people trust that they can say/do/behave comfortably and naturally, takes time to erect.

Have you told him what you've said here? Has he heard this version of what you think and have asked? What would he say if he read your words here?

agirl

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 4:57:26 PM

Lucienne

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Ok. So I guess I'm the only one who has trouble moving past the OP's handle? Am I missing some gamer, pop culture, whatever reference that would help me ignore a homonym for "suicidal"?

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 5:20:49 PM

Fitznicely

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Sue...

You keep saying it's a little lie...I think it has more relevance than that to you - otherwise, why ask for advice on a forum like this?

The problem with asking for advice is that it's really easy for people to give you very crappy advice if you hold back with the details. The more we know, the easier it is to help. That's logical, no?

We don't know you, we don't know him. The easiest way of doing this would be for you to tell us what you want to hear, we tell you, we're all happy.

How it's going to happen is that we're going to nag you for silly details that piss you off because we want to be as helpful as we can be. Tell us, don't tell us. Your call.

I'll tell you what I'd be thinking in his shoes: This lovely woman is in touch every day, always on IM, always calling, always mailing. This is teriffic 99% of the time, but this morning I just want some "me" time. What I'm doing isn't anyone's business - maybe I'm busy at work, maybe I'm hung over, maybe I just feel like watching some porn and whacking off...whatever, so I make up a stupid excuse and hide until I'm done.

In the middle of whatever it is I'm doing, well dammit, there she is, using a logon I'd deleted, but remember fondly. She's lovely, but right now I'm not in the mood, so, caught out in the fib, I brush it off as best I can and log off.

Could be nothing, could be everything. Right now, all these people before me are trying their best to help, they really are. But the plain fact is only you know enough details to work this out properly.

To directly answer the question: It depends on the circumstances. A seemingly little lie from one perspective may be huge from another perspective.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 5:30:51 PM

Elisabella

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne

Ok. So I guess I'm the only one who has trouble moving past the OP's handle? Am I missing some gamer, pop culture, whatever reference that would help me ignore a homonym for "suicidal"?

When I was in HS my best friend and I would write ridiculous notes to each other with names like Anna Rexia and Sue Aside.

I'm guessing it's just a 'check out my cleverness' thing and not an actual cry for help.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 5:40:49 PM

persephonee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I was under the understanding........though I could be wrong because things were deleted.........that there was some issue that someone appeared to be online but said they were not. I know that on yahoo, especially if a person has DSL and leaves their computer on most of the time like my son does, this is very possible.

I keep my yahoo on most of the time here and it will show him as online off and on all day when I know for a fact he is not home.

I would not immediately assume anything to be factual when yahoo is involved. HOWEVER, I would be watchful to see if he is consistent in all other things.

Another thing to consider...........there are times when I do not have the emotional energy to visit with SOME people like my friend Shannon. Yet I might have it for someone like my sister. I love Shannon and would never want to hurt her feelings by telling her "I am sorry but I just don't feel like talking to you right now but I do want to talk to my sister that makes me laugh."

Shannon isnt a code name for persephonee is it???? *sniffle* You have cmail.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 5:53:29 PM

Acer49

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SueACydell

After many years of bad experiences, I finally found someone recently (not on this site) who is both dominant and has treated me well. The sex is great. He is a good listener (though maybe not as forthcoming himself about his own feelings and thoughts), seems to care about my feelings and pleasure, seems to be a substantial and respectable person with many admirable qualities. I felt truly happy that I had met him and hopeful that perhaps this could turn into a long-term relationship.

Recently he lied to me about something. It could be considered a small thing, but nonetheless that bothered me. When I told him about it, he denied that he had lied. I am 100% sure that he did (please note, this is absolutely not in question, it's not even 99%) so it disappointed me further that he wouldn't come clean.

I don't know how to deal with this. On the one hand, I don't want to overreact nor persecute him for the bad experiences I've had with those who have come before him and assume that because he's lied to me once he's lying about other things or that he can't be trusted. I want to be open-minded and forgiving enough to get over his having lied to me. On the other hand, I don't want to be a sucker. I don't want to be with someone in whom I'm disappointed and who won't 'fess up when he does something objectionable like lying. I don't want to give my love and trust and respect to someone who won't love and trust and respect me in return. I thought that he was doing so, but now that's in question.

I would like to know how people think I should handle this situation so that I neither overreact nor don't stand up for myself and the good relationship that I want and deserve.

Bottom line he was talking to someone and he did not want to be interrupted and he did not want you to know about it. as to who and for what reason you will never know if he sticks to his story. looks like you have a couple of choices. you can let it go and watch his every move like a hawk, you can lay it all out their for him and see if he comes clean or you can end the relationship

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 5:55:25 PM

DesFIP

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You don't mention having discussed being exclusive. Because until you both say that you won't see anyone else, he has every right to.

What it sounds like to me is that there is someone else he wanted to talk to and you aren't that person.

Is this other person another woman he's pursuing? I would wonder about that. If I were seeing someone else exclusively and his family came in to town unexpectedly I would expect an invitation to meet them for a drink or brunch.

If at the same time he said they had arrived unexpectedly and he did not invite me, and then was obviously chatting to someone else, I would wonder if they had arrived or if he were seeing someone else. Being a cynic, I would assume he's with someone else.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 6:06:10 PM

KnightofMists

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You already know what you want to do!!!! and reading through the drama that unfolded in this thread... seems to me you get hostile against anything that is not remotely what you want to hear!

I agree with LaT..... you lied! you don't want advise and your not willing to listen... you just want support for what you already know you want to do!!!!

Save us the drama next time! and just go do what you want to do in the first place~!

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 6:07:39 PM

AnimusRex

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella
When I was in HS my best friend and I would write ridiculous notes to each other with names like Anna Rexia and Sue Aside.

Hello Moe's Tavern....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsUJC4kMY34

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 6:36:03 PM

mmsprecious

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You said you'd listen...

If we all say leave him, will you leave him?
If we all sat stay, will you stay?

Actually, what seems more likely is half of us will say "give him a chance" and half will say "a lie equals good bye".

In the long run, you have to decide if you can either let it go (completely) or not.

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