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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 7:51:15 PM

lucylucy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mmsprecious

You said you'd listen...

If we all say leave him, will you leave him?
If we all sat stay, will you stay?

Actually, what seems more likely is half of us will say "give him a chance" and half will say "a lie equals good bye".

In the long run, you have to decide if you can either let it go (completely) or not.

Listening is different from acting upon. I assume when she said she'd listen, she meant she would read and consider everything we suggested but make her own decision.

Having said that, it does seem that she has made a decision of some sort already. OP, you're really bothered by this situation, even though you're trying to minimize the incident. I agree with others that it's possible he didn't lie--I appear to be on Facebook 24/7 but I'm actually not. But whatever. That's irrelevant. In this situation, perception is reality and you perceive 100% that you've been lied to. If he continues to insist he didn't lie, I think you should suck it up, forgive, and move on. That means no bringing up "the lie" in future discussions or arguments, no reacting to "the lie" in subtle ways and then denying that you're doing it, etc.

Of course, don't completely forget "the lie," because if it turns out that there's a pattern of lying, the situation shifts.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 7:54:44 PM

OsideGirl

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Honestly, you're *sure* he lied....but in reality you don't *know* he lied. You're going to punish him for something you think he did?

My advice would be keep on in the relationship and watch the pattern. If it happens again, then have a deep chat about.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 8:32:10 PM

couldbemage

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So, a guy avoided talking to you for what? A few hours? I don't get it? What is the problem? I'm enough of an asshole to tell a girl I don't feel like paying attention to her at the moment, but most guys aren't. Well? The details do matter! ...And frankly "web developer" plus 100% certainty plus deleting the details equals a very low opinion of your judgement.

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Post #: 43

RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/25/2009 8:53:56 PM

subonmission

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Joined: 5/1/2008
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hmmm, I would say - yesterday i was online and wanted to talk but you seemed to be offline, so i decided to check on my other yahoo address and you seemed to be online. how is that? Simple :)

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/26/2009 1:25:30 AM

ranja

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FR
i am pleased someone copied and pasted the actual lie otherwise we all would have been totally guessing

i take it all this is cyber?

if you wanna meet... meet first in the flesh don't waste time on-line.
if it is cyber just play on don't get bogged down on trust issues... just make sure you remain anonymous and have fun either with him or the next one

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/26/2009 2:00:14 AM

beajez

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/11/2009
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I use a IM program called Adium its great, i can link all of my accounts, msn, yahoo, fb, etc... into one interface and one chat screen... It does have different icons to the other interfaces, so he may be using a program such as that. Now, Adium ocasionally blocks ppl, that i havent blocked. This seems to occur when i go between programs (when i am using my computer or another computer)... Doesnt always happen, not predictable.

All that aside, only you now how much this means to you.... I wish you the best in making your decision. It comes down to trust, definitely.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/26/2009 3:53:22 AM

DomImus

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Joined: 3/17/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SueACydell
Frankly I was still quite stunned and didn't know what to do. I did ask him once but didn't push it after that. He also logged off after a few minutes.

No. You didn't ask him. Based on what you have told us you did not tell him what you told us. The whole "you were invisible to my main screen name but not to my old screen name"... but that would mean you would have to tell him something that you do not want him to know or remind him of something he has forgotten that you would now rather remain hidden. Either lay your cards on the table or drop it. You may not like what he did but he might not like the fact that you still roam around under old screen names and you know it. That's why you won't call him with all of the information you have. If you wanted to be totally honest you would have messaged him from the old screen name but you didn't because you want to retain that invisibility cloak... yet you are miffed because of he way he manages his own invisibility. Pot... meet kettle.

I see this as one person who won't come clean who is upset because they feel their partner won't come clean.

< Message edited by DomImus -- 11/26/2009 4:11:08 AM >

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/26/2009 4:11:03 AM

lally2

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FR.

its almost not so much the lie that would bother me, but why he lied about being on line - that to me would be the bigger issue. the insecurity that develops when you discover that someone you felt safe with was on line and then lied about it would make me think he had something to hide. so that would be my issue. as for what you should do.

so far everything else is working out and is great and youre happy with him, or you were. throwing all of that away when it is so hard to find would be over reacting and hurting you in the long run.

as somoene who walks as a matter of course whenever something hits my insecurity button is something i have to get under control, it isnt always the answer.

the trouble is, if he is lieing and continues to lie without being prepared to fess up and talk it through then it makes youre position more dificult.

small or large the lie has started to undermine youre trust. the nature of the lie is that he basically is hiding something from you that he has clearly decided would be more damaging if the details came out.

fact is the internet is so easy to be anonymous on and you can flirt and chat away to other people without the slightest interest in meeting up with them, its a game for some, something to do to massage egos and kill time. if that was all he was doing then fine. if he was chatting to someone with a view to meeting up with them, then thats something else.

you need to put youre insecurities down on the table, tell him why this is undermining youre trust in him and if he still wont talk about it then you have two options. bury it and hope it all goes away or walk.

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Post #: 48

RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/26/2009 7:30:04 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: SueACydell
Frankly I was still quite stunned and didn't know what to do. I did ask him once but didn't push it after that. He also logged off after a few minutes.

No. You didn't ask him. Based on what you have told us you did not tell him what you told us. The whole "you were invisible to my main screen name but not to my old screen name"... but that would mean you would have to tell him something that you do not want him to know or remind him of something he has forgotten that you would now rather remain hidden. Either lay your cards on the table or drop it. You may not like what he did but he might not like the fact that you still roam around under old screen names and you know it. That's why you won't call him with all of the information you have. If you wanted to be totally honest you would have messaged him from the old screen name but you didn't because you want to retain that invisibility cloak... yet you are miffed because of he way he manages his own invisibility. Pot... meet kettle.

I see this as one person who won't come clean who is upset because they feel their partner won't come clean.

You are correct, DomImus. Thank goodness CelticSub quoted her early on, before she edited out the details- or we'd never have gotten much of an idea what transpired.

Pot, meet kettle indeed. OP, you are so busted. I stand by my original advice, which is that people shouldn't put up with deceit. It sets a bad precedent.

People should also not perpetrate deceit. That also sets a bad precedent. Duh.

If you don't have trust, you have nothing. Love without trust, will wither and die.

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/26/2009 11:26:48 AM

CelticPrince

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Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

After many years of bad experiences, I finally found someone recently (not on this site) who is both dominant and has treated me well. The sex is great. He is a good listener (though maybe not as forthcoming himself about his own feelings and thoughts), seems to care about my feelings and pleasure, seems to be a substantial and respectable person with many admirable qualities. I felt truly happy that I had met him and hopeful that perhaps this could turn into a long-term relationship.

Recently he lied to me about something. It could be considered a small thing, but nonetheless that bothered me. When I told him about it, he denied that he had lied. I am 100% sure that he did (please note, this is absolutely not in question, it's not even 99%) so it disappointed me further that he wouldn't come clean.

I don't know how to deal with this. On the one hand, I don't want to overreact nor persecute him for the bad experiences I've had with those who have come before him and assume that because he's lied to me once he's lying about other things or that he can't be trusted. I want to be open-minded and forgiving enough to get over his having lied to me. On the other hand, I don't want to be a sucker. I don't want to be with someone in whom I'm disappointed and who won't 'fess up when he does something objectionable like lying. I don't want to give my love and trust and respect to someone who won't love and trust and respect me in return. I thought that he was doing so, but now that's in question.

I would like to know how people think I should handle this situation so that I neither overreact nor don't stand up for myself and the good relationship that I want and deserve.

SAC

There is rarely any relationship that has not had some lies within them. The key is how important are/were they. sometimes it is just easier to lie to save a possible disappointment or hurt.

Really ponder these words!!

CP

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RE: actually want advice and will listen - 11/26/2009 11:44:38 AM

GYPSYMAMBO

Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
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OP:

1)
I have learned from hundreds..wait! thousands of messanging situations..
that yahoo..msn etc...and computers!
are NOT GLITCH PROOF..

I have had occasion where someone had 2 + msn addresses and they intertwined...where they appeared ON-LINE and were not....

I have had ppl appear invisable to everyone BECAUSE they were on a business meeting..
or talking to a family member about something very importnat and did not have time to make make small talk...

I myself have DONE this when I knew 12 ppl would instantly say hi when I came on but I needed to talk to my daughter when my grandson was in hospital

I have also BLOCKED ppl( hours or days) to have a break from them..a breather until I had more energy to share..

2)
AS FOR LYING and what to do..?
IS it a deal breaker?
Was it a LIE?
How important is this to you???

IF YOU LEAVE THINGS they WILL BUILD fester and blow up.
BUMPS in relationships have to be addressed right away..

You will lose nothing by ASKING...outright..

However in doing so you reveal you in a sense that you "spied"

GM

< Message edited by GYPSYMAMBO -- 11/26/2009 11:46:30 AM >

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