RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends?

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 8:20:23 AM

agirl

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I wouldn't have a problem at all. Anyone I spend any time with, kinky or otherwise, are just really rather nice, socially adept people that can mix with anyone.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 9:44:51 AM

JudasButcher

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Though a large majority of our "non-kink" friends know we are, we mix all different people at parties and such with no problem. We've had my leathermaker, a couple of straight-laced city people, a new-age hippy wannabe and the guy who lives with no electricity all in the same room and they've all gotten along fine. Our life is rather complicated compared to a lot of folks, and our friends vary as much as our interests do. We've yet to have any one of them bring up the "kink" side amongst the others. They just all assume that that guy is someone I've worked with, those people are from my homesteading group, those people are lucey's friends, and that guy is someone I've known since age 4. There has never been a "so how do you know them" question, and we've always had great times together with everyone, kinky or not.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 10:04:19 AM

honeygirl

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Yes, quite reluctant! There have been...ramifications...to doing so in the past

. So, those who show discretion and are willing to engage in non-kinky conversation are fine to "mix" -- which, I admit sounds fairly condescending. Some are extremely "out" and feel stifled if they cannot talk about explicit sexual/BDSM-related activities. So, I'm respecting their desire to talk how and when they please while balancing my "vanilla" friends' quite obvious desire to not hear BDSM talk or to see certain actions!

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

This is something that jumped out at me as a side-note in someone's post on another website and I'm curious how it holds here.

Are people afraid or relucant to mix their kinky/lifestyle friends with their "vanilla" friends?

For us, it's just not a big deal. We invite both kinky and non-kinky to our parties, we did to our wedding along with very conservative family members, people who have flogged me have shaken hands with my parents. - granted without my folks being informed but we didn't worry about it.

I can understand the hesitation on one hand - I've had people make mistakes in how they greeted me in public or made little faux paus in regards to privacy. But on the other hand, most people I know seem to not want to make others actively uncomfortable. At least, those I choose to invite into my home don't and therefore use tact and discretion.

So what do other people do? Do you have two groups and never shall the two meet, do you mix and match with care or do you simply not worry about it?

***edited to remove a redundant phrase.

< Message edited by honeygirl -- 11/28/2009 10:43:44 AM >

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 10:23:07 AM

sunshinemiss

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Aquatic - I think you should have a party and invite us all and see if we mix well with your other friends.

I am totally up for a party!

(was that presumptuous?)

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 10:26:34 AM

Mercnbeth

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~ Fast Reply ~

We do it all the time, just this weekend was the last. One of the first was when we got married, three years down the road from being Master/slave, we had a formal wedding ceremony and reception at our home. We invited 50 people, family, co-workers, and friends. Some kinky, some, like the pastor/husband of my bookkeeper who performed the ceremony, vanilla beaned to the core. Some of our kink friends had never met each other, which gave us the opportunity to have a little party game.

We told them there were a total of 16 'lifestyle' people in attendance; gay, M/s, Dominant, submissive. The object was, by the end of the night, identify all the "lifestyle" people. You know - they somehow managed to discover each other!

If you're comfortable with yourself and your friends, commingling is only a problem it the people involved make it one. There wasn't a whole lot of naked sex and debauchery going on at our 'mixed' Thanksgiving party. "So, have you beaten your slave lately?"; doesn't come up in conversation any more than how much did you lose last quarter in your 401k.

Stay away from people who have a need to expose their difference and enjoy their self humiliation and shock value; and nobody will mind or be bothered.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 10:47:41 AM

Acer49

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

This is something that jumped out at me as a side-note in someone's post on another website and I'm curious how it holds here.

Are people afraid or relucant to mix their kinky/lifestyle friends with their "vanilla" friends?

For us, it's just not a big deal. We invite both kinky and non-kinky to our parties, we did to our wedding along with very conservative family members, people who have flogged me have shaken hands with my parents. - granted without my folks being informed but we didn't worry about it.

I can understand the hesitation on one hand - I've had people make mistakes in how they greeted me in public or made little faux paus in regards to privacy. But on the other hand, most people I know seem to not want to make others actively uncomfortable. At least, those I choose to invite into my home don't and therefore use tact and discretion.

So what do other people do? Do you have two groups and never shall the two meet, do you mix and match with care or do you simply not worry about it?

If the reason for the get together would be enjoyable to both, I would have no problem, otherwise, I keep the two groups seperate

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 12:15:03 PM

wisdomtogive

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I am not one to divide myself from them and us, so can mix people together. Have done that all my life in all areas that i am. I see beyond labels, and am grateful my friends do too. Have a 35 year old friendship with a devout Christian and born again at that. She will never give up her friendship with me, even though her minister suggested it, because I am not Christian. We have a lot in common, and both are passionate about serving our God(s), and for me Goddess, but we bridged the gap of religion and the b.s that goes along with it. Thank her God and my Goddess for that::)

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 12:25:58 PM

GYPSYMAMBO

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OP:
scared for them but not me..
My morman friends would faint...although they seem to understand the POLY* (but that is nto kink)
MY Goddess circle friends do not need to know MY kink
as it may distort my teachings to them..due to judgements( they are human after all)
My teacher friends..some mix..but some would be so mortified.
My art friends are fairly open and if a kink convo gets in there well so be it.

MY AA and NA freinds ARE VERY OPEN BUT TREAT THINGS IN THe anon MANNER

I am not my kink ...;I am me but am aware of keeping friendship and how fragile psyches are..

eg) Thanksigiving...
A MIXED GROUP
A domme assumed we are all kinky and says..
"I have a guy who wants to meet you..he is into scat"
SILENCE fell as non-kinkster ears perked..
"Oh" I said "I See"..and gave her a look,
SHE understood and we spoke later.
NA AND AA FRIENDS ARE GREAT WITH THE anon
code and always say "
"Where do you know GM from?"
or "HOW soes GM fit into your life..?"
This works well for KINK too.
ANON until you know different.

GM

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 12:41:06 PM

BKSir

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Not really afraid of it at all. All my friends are adults, and the ones not "kinky" (or at least that I know of, and don't really want to know) are about 95% comprised of veterans, soooo, they've seen and heard stranger I'm sure. Do I flat out advertise it around them though? No. They don't want to know about me tying the pet to the bed the night before. But if he sits down at my feet in my living room or asks me "May I get you a drink, sir?", they're not going to bat an eyelash. The non kinky ones, that is...

The ones in WIITWD, we share the information freely, including sometimes about tying the pet to the bed the night before. Sharing ideas is always fun. :) But we have the common sense and respect to leave the gory details out of it when in mixed or questionable company.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 12:51:52 PM

Pudicitia

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My close vanilla friends are aware of my private personal life, some come with me to munches or in the past to clubs. I introduced one of my very good scene friends to my mother, he stayed to dinner and spent the evening happily flirting away with her ... slightly uncomfortable for me but in a very bizzare/funny way.
As many of my vanilla friends are also work colleagues - and given the nature of my job - it is wholly innappropriate for them to be aware of my private personal life. That does not preclude them mixing with my scene friends, but I make the "pervs" aware that they may not scare/inform the natives.

I usually draw the distinction that if I know anyone well enough to bring them into my home, then I know them well enough to trust them to understand and respect the "compartmentalising" that has to happen in my life.

On the flip side of all this, there are a great many people I know in the scene who I would not trust with any knowledge of my vanilla life. In some circles even my real name is private - I would be more immediately reconised by the name Soft than my first name generally anyway.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/28/2009 8:45:03 PM

theRose4U

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

Much to my chagrin, my vanilla "friends" and family would be absolutely appalled if they knew of my kinky desires! :(
Hence the secrecy.

Come to think of it ... I don't think I have a single non-vanilla friend that I can talk to. Sigh.

In the silicon valley I would challenge that you probably have met a bunch of kinky people and just don't realize it. Most of the people that taught me what kink was came from the computer industry. Granted even with their computer millions all were men I'd NEVER EVER EVER want to see naked but they were kinky none the less.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/29/2009 2:20:27 AM

NihilusZero

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I simply choose to keep friends with whom I would not be afraid to divulge any aspect of myself.

Makes things much easier.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/29/2009 2:56:28 AM

HimNbabygirl

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i have only had 1 instance of having a friend blurt out something about kink in front of a nilla, it was in front of my mother-in-law in fact! Luckily she didn't understand what he was saying and as she was in early stages of dementia at the time, by the time he left she was able to forget about the comment. He was a smoker and as no smoking is allowed in my house, i politely asked if he would like to join me for a cigarette outside and was able to discreetly inform him none of our family is in the know about our kink. Needless to say, he has not been invited over since.

His baby girl

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/29/2009 7:21:11 PM

Sfortzando

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I think it mostly depends on the people involved. Some of my kink friends are ridonkulously obvious about it, and I just wouldn't feel comfortable introducing them to my right-wing conservative friends. Most of my friends, kinky or vanilla, are pretty mature and don't care either way, and we mix it up all the time. As far as my more subtle kink friends - well they've met my parents and I've never worried about it being an issue. For the most part I feel that if you wouldn't talk with someone about your vanilla sex life, you shouldn't talk to them about your kinky sex life.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/29/2009 9:11:22 PM

Drifa

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Having been a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism for going on 30 years now (first even was in 1979), and an EverQuest 2 MMORPG player for 5, my friends in general are a real mixed bag anyway. As it happens, a number of the folks I play EQ2 with are kinky, and if you know anything about the SCA, you can find almost anything in the group.

My straight, vanilla SCA friends got me and my Lady together. They were tired of seeing the both of us thrashing around with disastrously awful dating, and they conspired to get us to meet. We hit it off and are a couple still, 15 years later.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/30/2009 6:13:55 PM

HorrorGroupie

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personally...I haven't come across this problem. All of my friends are kinky, in some form or another, and it really just makes for lively conversation. Now my family might be a different story...we shall see if that situation should ever arise.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 11/30/2009 6:36:09 PM

thaprincess

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My friends I don't think would be surprised at anything I told them I did, kink or not kink, so for my true, close friends no. As for acquaintances and family members, that's a whole different story....

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 12/1/2009 5:58:02 PM

lronitulstahp

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-FR-

The only groups i avoid blending are my kinky friends, and co-worker friends, because a slight slip up could result in me somehow violating my company's "strict morals clause". Today's good friend from work could easily be the bitch i can't stand tomorrow, so i don't reveal my kink to anyone at work. In my field, revealing my kink could be really detrimental.

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 12/1/2009 7:06:45 PM

VampiresLair

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We have no problem mixing our kink and non kink friends. Our wedding was very mixed, and we had no worries aside from Tulip threatening to kidnap granny. Many of my coworkers know about our lifestyle, but at my store its just another interesting fact, as we have one butch dyke lesbian who is usually mistaken for a man, a masochist that runs our cosmetics area and several super conservative christians who all interact without an issue.
We even have kinky friends at church, and there has never been a problem there either.

The only time I would have to be super careful with the mix is once Fox is out working. The education system out here has super restrictive rules about morality and even the illusion of immorality is cause to be fired.

DV

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RE: Are you scared to mix your kink and non-kink friends? - 12/2/2009 1:09:27 PM

M1str3ssSt4r

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Hello all.

Newbie to the CM forums..

I would really love to be more open with my vanilla friends, but we're all qualified professionals which would view BDSM is a very dim light, so it's best kept quiet.
Having said that, I did tell one of my friends, and she was fascinated, but I haven't thought about coming out to any of the others.

OTOH, my two sisters know, and don't bat an eyelid, so it's not all bad.

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