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RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 9:55:23 AM

zephyroftheNorth

Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rockspider

In my perfect world women at birth would have a lock installed preventing them from having babies. At the age of 25 she could on providing sufficent dokumentation for she was able to take care of a baby have the lock undone. Would save soceity for a host of problems.

Careful rs, once again your hostility towards women is showing. I suggest you work through the issues from your marriage/divorce, the apparent source of such hostility. Women aren't the sole or even the biggest source of the problems in today's society, men share an equal part of the blame.

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(in reply to rockspider)

Post #: 21

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 10:16:16 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenPenelope

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

QP, this is somewhat off topic, but I think it fits here anyway: in the five days you've been on CM, you've posted about subs who have gone off on rants when you brought up relocating, subs who appear to be one thing in their profiles, but when you talk to them, you claim they are something else, and now you're talking about having or not having children with someone you've only just started corresponding with and you don't know what to do. The common denominator in all this drama is you. Perhaps you ought to consider slowing things down a bit?

Either answer the question or don't. But don't indirectly insult me by telling me I am the problem when clearly you don't know me from Adam's house cat. No where once did I mention what kind of person I am, nor did I say I never want children. I just simply asked from those who are more experienced than I rather or not children fits the D/S relationship.

I will first answer your question as you wish and then will go into my other comments. I have strong opinions when it comes to parenting and children but one thing I stand by is that I am a balanced human being first and a good parent and any good parent knows that they must make a balanced home for the little one's, BUT they do not stop being human beings... adult human beings who have a life to live as well. They must temper things of the extreme that might lead children to think or act a certain way that might not be helpful to their growth as a human being, but the parent cannot stop being who they are and should live happily as long as it doesn't harm the children. One can still have an adult life and should.

There is no reason that bdsm or d/s couldn't be a part of adult relationships with children around. They just might need to temper some things. In a vanilla relationship, parents are sexual and they go to their bedroom and away to be so. It is no different in our lifestyle choice. You just get creative in how you make happen what you wish to make happen.

Now as to the quotes I have here. With your asking questions and seeking answer's, it is a good thing, but when you are less dominant with the men you are speaking to and quickly trying to make something happen with and are more dominant in how you determine we are to answer you or even guide you to finding the answers... I see a huge disrespect and dominant action towards those who have walked these things before you and we are not who you should be directing.

Do you want our take on only one question per question or to learn from what we see as a whole? If you wish to select what you want when you want it... I don't think many of us will continue to defend you, help you and be willing to have much to do with you because you get that young attitude of... I call it the way I want it and you have nothing to say about anything unless I have asked for it in this thread and this thread alone. Your comment to Venatrix was one that closes doors and was rude. I happen to agree with V and LP and others who are suggesting that taking your posts as a whole picture of who you are and where you are, is a correct way to go and you are in a hurry and you are a bit confused.

Rushing into your dominant presence and finding a relationship before you know who you are and how you really want things is a bit of a frenzy type situation. You want it now... okay, fine... but if you are so lost in things that you are asking for direction, then you might consider taking some of that direction and not being so rude when we as older adults and dominant's have taken the time to see where you might be having some problems. You don't like the answers... then don't ask the questions.

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Post #: 22

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 10:24:51 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
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Children will fit into OUR lifestyle, yes. But that is far from helpful information for anyone else building their own lives. The way Fox and I do things is not going to be one shred of help unless someone else is modeling their relationship after ours. We are 24/7, but that doesnt mean that I am going to be commanding him to drop to his knees at a whim if there are people around who shouldnt be seeing it. We have families that do not know about our kink and we plan on keeping it that way. Adjusting that to make sure children dont isnt much more difficult. It becomes a matter of timing, teaching them about privacy and making sure they cant accidentally find your toys.

Now, for more demomstrative couples who do nothing to hide their interactions, children might not be quite as ideal. If they do not wish to have to put a cap on their constant playtime then they might not want to have kids around who would force that discretion.

DV

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(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 23

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 10:40:10 AM

QueenPenelope

Posts: 29
Joined: 11/23/2009
From: South Carolina
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Honestly, I happen to agree with V.

Seriously, you are 22 years old. How does the question reflect back to any other person of that age making such a monumental decision? If there wasn't kink involved, would you want to have little ones so early? What about things like education or relationship stability? How would a little person fit into your day to day world?

Personally, while I tend to be conservative on most topics, I'm rather liberal on this one. My little people grew up in an environment where different types of families were something they were educated about, rather than hidden from. Those are decisions that you have to make based on your parenting skills.

To be fair, she may be trying to make a fair decision on who to have a serious relationship with since that will become an issue in the long-term. Val and I discussed how we felt regarding marriage and children when he was 21 and I was 20 because we didn't want to get into the relationship and deal with that seven years down the road. Granted that can very well change but we didn't want to go into things hoping that one of us would change their mind.

Finally, someone who gets where I'm coming from and exactly what I mean. I am looking for long term and I want all the long term issuies on the table. BEFORE the relationship and emotions get going. Thanks AquaticSub.
-Queen Penelope

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Post #: 24

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 10:48:04 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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It is very smart to consider what will or won't work for you in your life or relationships. I am not sure that most of us would fault you for that. But... when you are clearly struggling and trying to find your way, you come to us for our answers, suggestions or direction or is it affirmation... and then don't like our seeing your posts as a whole rather than just one question and then direct or get bossy in how we are to answer... you appear to be someone who wants answers that only she can agree with or handle.

A good dominant never takes one aspect and doesn't consider the others. So like I said in a way... if you don't like our answers, don't ask for them and don't take them out of perspective, hightlight how you are being smart to consider these things and then not consider the other's.

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(in reply to QueenPenelope)

Post #: 25

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 11:07:40 AM

QueenPenelope

Posts: 29
Joined: 11/23/2009
From: South Carolina
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

It is very smart to consider what will or won't work for you in your life or relationships. I am not sure that most of us would fault you for that. But... when you are clearly struggling and trying to find your way, you come to us for our answers, suggestions or direction or is it affirmation... and then don't like our seeing your posts as a whole rather than just one question and then direct or get bossy in how we are to answer... you appear to be someone who wants answers that only she can agree with or handle.

A good dominant never takes one aspect and doesn't consider the others. So like I said in a way... if you don't like our answers, don't ask for them and don't take them out of perspective, hightlight how you are being smart to consider these things and then not consider the other's.

Where and when did I say I don't like all the answers and when did I say I only want to hear certain things? If this is what you think you have me wrong from the start. I don't mind your answers. But I wont be insulted by being called the problem in all the drama. You have me wrong thinking I took what anyone said out of perspective, I took it how it was said that I am the problem in the drama. Me not liking someone's answer has nothing to do with me asking a question and rather or not I should be asking in the first place.
-Queen Penelope

< Message edited by QueenPenelope -- 11/29/2009 11:21:56 AM >

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Post #: 26

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 11:14:44 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

It fits how ever the two hoping it will fit makes it work, usually from what I have heard from the parent son here also trying to do what it is they do, that it's very difficult and they must be sneaky a lot to get any actually action going on, like spankings and floggings, but not hard to explain away, why you are lets say for example saying " yes sir" or showing deference to your their daddy.

I personally would not want to be a 24/7 dynamic that needs constant care and time and evolving. be a mom too.

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenPenelope

But how does having children fit in the lifestyle of having a 24/7/365 Domme and Sub relationship?

(in reply to QueenPenelope)

Post #: 27

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 11:32:21 AM

Ladynslave

Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline

When Slave and I got together, he already had 4 children and I had 2 and lost one of them. My tubes had been tied years before, so having more was never an option, not that we would want to add to such a large brood. Two of the children are adults and thus we don't hide the lifestyle from them. The 3 that are under age are either away or sleeping while we play. While I am sure that they can see the dynamic of me being the head of the household, I don't believe they need to know the harsher side of that. When they are adults, we will refuse to hide such things and if they hear the screams, so be it. You have to find what works for you, however. If children are not something you want, you must not have them simply to please someone else. It is not fair to the child. If however you do want children and are completely committed to your sub, go for it. Just plan to have some locks in place in certain areas of the house.

(in reply to QueenPenelope)

Post #: 28

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 11:43:10 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

In my perfect world women at birth would have a lock installed preventing them from having babies. At the age of 25 she could on providing sufficent dokumentation for she was able to take care of a baby have the lock undone. Would save soceity for a host of problems.

What about the men? Or do they hold no responsibility (in your perfect world) for what their sperm accomplish?

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Post #: 29

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 11:54:10 AM

Underumam

Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
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There are so many things I could add to this conversation, but will refrain. lol.

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Post #: 30

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 11:59:46 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenPenelope

Where and when did I say I don't like all the answers and when did I say I only want to hear certain things? If this is what you think you have me wrong from the start. I don't mind your answers. But I wont be insulted by being called the problem in all the drama. You have me wrong thinking I took what anyone said out of perspective, I took it how it was said that I am the problem in the drama. Me not liking someone's answer has nothing to do with me asking a question and rather or not I should be asking in the first place.
-Queen Penelope

My other response got lost in cyber space... I guess. The thing is that many of us agreed with Venatrix and you didn't like what she said or how she said it or some part of it. The thing is, she says that she has read your other post and some of us would agree even to her word, drama in this because these online guys with their porn mentality have given you some grief... as per your own postings and questions.

You are in the middle of whatever is going on. Call it drama or anything else. Some have tried to take advantage of that and I would like to see you call them on that as clearly as you have Venatrix. You didn't need to ask any of us how to handle what she said... but have when men acted in certain ways toward you.

Most of us will have issues or problems sorting things out in life or relationships and will ask people what they think. We won't always like what we hear and can be defensive. As we get older, we will see things and call them drama when we might not have when we were younger and hadn't gone through them yet or as much as we have when older.

When you said what you said to V about answering your question here... you were basically saying to a few of us... don't talk about the other things.. you don't know me. We do know your posts. We do know what you have shown us and based on that V said what she did. When we see you tell her to answer the real question or not and have agreed with what she said, we just might have a response to that. We have encouraged your asking questions, but to be upset and act defensivily about a word or take on looking at it all and not just one question or when you are limiting how we may respond to you without getting that upset shows us more about you and why things may be as they are.

Right about now... I am not sure you are able to see who are acting as friend and who is not.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to QueenPenelope)

Post #: 31

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 12:03:39 PM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
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doh neva mind

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Post #: 32

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 2:43:42 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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Penelope --

I agree in general with Lockit's post above. However, I think posters have been remiss because they haven't explained what they mean by "slow down." So it's a command without a description, and probably comes off as condescending or frustrating.

My version of the "slow down" advice is that you urgently need to start reading, not just asking questions on a message board. A great place to start would be one or more of the books listed here:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/mpage_1/tm.htm

If you are looking for more online resources, two blogs of femdoms I could recommend are:

http://mistress-jen.blogspot.com/

I've never read it, but she posts here, and we've talked on the other side, and she has an excellent grasp of how to balance kink and relationships.

www.MissEliza.com

She used to post here quite a bit, and she has a hell of a brain. Again, I haven't followed her blog, because it's not my thing, but she and I have spoken some. She's black, and about your age, so you might find a connection.

Bottom line: don't let your understanding of BDSM to be too influenced by the weirdnesses of horny men who spend too much time in front of a computer.

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Post #: 33

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 2:48:09 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenPenelope

A sub I am talking to told me that he wants to have children and would like to see how far we get in our relationship. I told him I don't know if having children would fit the type of lifestyle we would be living together. Then he said we'll see what happens when the time arises. But how does having children fit in the lifestyle of having a 24/7/365 Domme and Sub relationship?

They do not

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(in reply to QueenPenelope)

Post #: 34

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 2:51:58 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenPenelope

Finally, someone who gets where I'm coming from and exactly what I mean. I am looking for long term and I want all the long term issuies on the table. BEFORE the relationship and emotions get going. Thanks AquaticSub.
-Queen Penelope

I do my best. *Takes a bow*

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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Post #: 35

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 2:52:58 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenPenelope

A sub I am talking to told me that he wants to have children and would like to see how far we get in our relationship. I told him I don't know if having children would fit the type of lifestyle we would be living together. Then he said we'll see what happens when the time arises. But how does having children fit in the lifestyle of having a 24/7/365 Domme and Sub relationship?

They do not

Could you expand on why please?

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 36

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 4:32:36 PM

CherokeeRose2

Posts: 36
Joined: 11/29/2008
Status: offline

If you have kids...understand that THEY pretty much become your 24/7 lifestyle for the first 20 years or so. You fit kink in around kids in a way that is morally, ethically, and legally workable.

It depends on what you want ultimately want out of life ~ just remember that what you want will evolve and change with time.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 37

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 5:32:33 PM

MeaganBlake

Posts: 56
Joined: 1/8/2009
From: Central Ohio
Status: offline

I personally have never wanted children, and I'm happily childfree at 41. I honestly do not see how kids and kink could mix in my life without my having to give up the type of relationship I want to have.

My former slave had a teenage son who moved in with him this summer. That really was the end of our relationship, not through anyone's fault, but just from the change of dynamic of having to try to work our relationship around a child. Even though we were long-distance, it didn't work.

I am now reluctantly getting involved with another father of a teenager, and I'm wondering how things will go. Already he has had to cancel our first meeting because she ran up a huge cell phone bill and he couldn't afford to take me to dinner as we had planned.

So, to answer your question, for me, kids DON'T fit in with my lifestyle. I made the decision to be childfree in my 20's, and I am upfront about that choice with anyone I have dated, vanilla or kinky. It is important for you to know where YOU stand on kids, and to pick a sub who is in the same place as you. Otherwise, there will only be heartache down the road. Kids are too big an issue to compromise on.

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Post #: 38

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 6:13:42 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

Queen P,

Firstly, all these questions! Well, you're new to BDSM, which generates a million and one questions in anyone's head (if they've got any brains). Secondly, you're twenty-two, and that age people commonly want to work out every major decision of their lives. When I left Uni women all around me instantly started trying to work out how to incorporate everything they wanted - career, love-life, home, children . . . The new graduates I meet still do the same. I doubt it'll ever change.

But it can't all be worked out at once, of course. The best anyone can do is learn the rudiments of those things and how to juggle them.

Secondly, Re LadyAngelique's comment that 'a true dominant woman has learned self-control, class, composure, dignity, poise and the like as a base' . . .

This wouldn't be the list I'd make. With a domme, just as with any woman, I'd first be looking for a warm, human and balanced personality. I'd have to be able to trust her. Those last two assume much greater importance for me when it comes to dominant women. A sub is going to put himself, his body and his feelings, in a vulnerable position with you. He'd be an idiot not to make sure that you're balanced and that he can trust you.

Being a dominant means taking responsibility for someone else, just as does being a parent. I'd say: finishing your degree is just the start. Now for advanced studies. I know bugger all about parenting except that were I to go in for it, I'd learn everything I could. Likewise D/s. I'm sure you'll devour RedMagic's list of reading materials above, and more.

Right, back to your desk!

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 11/29/2009 7:02:46 PM >

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Post #: 39

RE: Does having children fit your lifestyle? - 11/29/2009 8:09:08 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

QueenPenelope,

I haven't read all of your other posts, so I can't say whether you seem to be a bit frenetic or not. You are 22 years old, and asking questions about things that are probably not going to happen tomorrow. I will say this about children in ANY relationship. You and your partner should have a LOVING relationship. That doesnt' mean that the kink, BDSM stuff isn't part of it. It means that children are not typically a "business" arrangement if the mother and father are going to continue in a relationship. Love rarely, if ever, happens on command. It builds over time as two people get to know each other. I think a lot of confusion stems from the fact that there is typically more communication when embarking on a BDSM relationship. At 22 are you really trying to negotiate forever? In many ways, when a couple has children, those children are the "masters" in the relationship, especially in those early years when their needs have to come first.

Some here have said that children don't fit in. For many, their "discovery" of BDSM came after they already had children. The reality is that if you want children, you find a way to make it work. After all, if you have a 24/7 relationship and it is your preference that your slave be naked at all times, certainly adjustments are made if you have your boss over for dinner, right? The point is that people must be flexible in the 24/7 lifestyle if they are also living in the real world. Sometimes your "kink" just can't be all up in your face type of things.

So asking questions is good. Planning for the future is good. If you don't want children, that's all fine and dandy. Better to know that you don't and not have them, then to be unsure and find out you didn't want them when it was too late. The first decision you need to make is do you want to have a loving relationship with the partner you choose? You can't order that to happen. If you don't want children, then be up front from the beginning. If you do, then slow down and let love happen. Young people do have a tendency to want everything right now. This guy may be your perfect mate. He may not. At 22, you should take your time and let things develop naturally without rushing it. So while you are negotiating for a slave that will commit to you permanently, understand that "forever" might not be for all eternity, because things might not work out. Then again, they might. Think of it this way, would you ask someone on a vanilla first date if they wanted children, or would you spend the time getting to know them and having that talk after the two of you got to know each other and had developed the feelings that make you start thinking about having a family?

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Post #: 40

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