BitaTruble
Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
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Himself and I were in St. Augustine one time and he started to use a hairbrush on me and I freaked. I'm a fairly heavy player and into some pretty intense scenes, so you wouldn't think of a hairbrush as being particularly intense or scary. But something in my mind snapped and so did I. I'm not sure and can't speak for Masters reaction to that particular incident, but I do know that he was surprised at the violence and intensity of my reaction to something as innocuous as a hairbrush. All of a sudden I was not a full grown adult woman. I was not sure of myself, nor was I confident. It was not Himself in the room with me. I was 8 years old and it was my Mother beating on me again. I can't explain to you how terrifying that was for me in that moment. All rational thought left my head and I couldn't stop crying or shaking.
It was my first experience with 'shadowing.'
From Wikipedia - Dr. Carl Jung was the first to coin the term shadowing as the 'unconscious complex that is defined as the diametrical opposite of the conscious self, the ego. The shadow represents everything that the conscious person does not wish to acknowledge within themselves.'
Of course, BDSMer's modify anything and everything to fit into our own world and shadowing is no different.
In laymen's terms, when it comes to BDSM - Shadow play is almost the exact opposite of a mindfuck. With a mindfuck you try to 'fool' the mind into expecting that something is going to happen. In shadowing or shadow play, you need to understand that the mind has had an experience and you need to draw it out so it can be dealt with in the light of day. Shadowing delves into a person's past or a fear and goes way beyond expanding a limit.
So, how to get past something like this? Seeking the help of a professional therapist is a good place to start, however, as in my example above, I was not aware there was an issue with which to deal. It's the shadows pertaining to the dark parts of 'you' that you don't always know are there until something triggers them. It's almost like selective amnesia. There is a great deal of danger in any number of areas of BDSM but none are so damaging as what can happen to the psyche of someone during shadowing. Physical wounds heal (usually).. sometimes those of the mind do not. Too many of us have experienced trauma in our lives that, perhaps, are best left untouched. But to many of us, being able to acknowledge those traumas, to bring those fears out into the open and to conquer them is one of the main reasons this life appeals to us. I had a trigger.. that innocent hairbrush. Once I acknowledged it's power over me, Himself was able to help me work through my fear.
Some tips to get through the shadows
Identify the area you want to explore if you can. Unfortunately, it is often unknown to the submissive that there is a traumatic 'trigger' at all. The best thing you can do for yourself is to explore your past (professionally if need be) then communicate all that you are so that your Dominant is armed with as much knowledge as possible. If you are already aware of an intense fear in a particular area, take the baby steps. Fear of knives? Start with the store-bought plastic ones, through the butter knives and you'll get to the long swords in your own good time. There is never a need to rush or push into areas for which you're not ready. Afraid of the dark? Start with closing the eyes, keep them closed for longer periods of time until you can work up to a blindfold. Be a turtle, not a hare. Not all of us can afford professional therapy, but there are lots of organizations out there that deal with mental health issues on a sliding scale, so check them out if your fear is interfering with your daily activities. If you don't think you need to go so far as getting professional help, then do some research in shadowing and see if this area is something you wish to explore.
If you have a trigger that is discovered in mid-scene, as a Dominant, I highly suggest stopping immediately whatever it was that triggered the reaction. Let your submissive have some time to calm down, talk .. as long as you need to ... and find out what is causing the fear. Be prepared for crying, anger and know that physical attacks aren't outside the realm of possibility. It might not be 'you' the submissive is seeing at that moment, but someone completely different. It's imperative that you keep the submissive from hurting him/herself and you and if you just need to grab them and hold them until they are calm, do so. Small sips of water, turning on the radio to an upbeat station, distracting the mind away from it's fear with something mundane and familiar can help get past that initial reaction. Once you're passed that, then decisions can be made on what your next steps should be. My own crying jag lasted about 30 mins, but I was pretty upset for several hours afterwards and Himself was very patient with me, held me, stroked me and let me come back at my own pace. If he had ended up calling 911 or something, I would not have blamed him because I was a mess, but I'm really glad he didn't because getting the authorities involved was not necessary in my case. It's going to be a judgment call, but prior discussion of this issue can help make that call if the time ever comes.
I rarely see this issue brought forth, but I know many men and women who have experienced similar reactions to the most innocuous events, so being aware of what 'may' happen is just one more tool in the arsenal to maximizing the 'fun' of BDSM and being prepared for those things which are not so fun.
Celeste
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"Oh, so it's just like Rock, paper, scissors." He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."
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