RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (Full Version)

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subrob1967 -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/18/2006 9:06:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
That's a horrible experience to have had.

I wish the Headspace munches of the past were still around. We tended to have poly and switch people most often and then female doms (maybe because I was hostess for a while). But we also tended to be younger (20s to 30s range of ages) because of the time to the university by the group. Finding "private" space was also very difficult (if you wanted price, food variety, and age range) so it was very much just a munch, not playing.

I went to the Indy munch years ago -- too big for my tastes -- and yes, the couples did tend to be 40+ in age and male dominant in nature but I had friends who went regularly and they were a femdom younger couple who was poly. Then there were some issues about being too public and then went to a "private list" and at that point I stopped being interested. I'd say though that you should try again and if you are treated the same way, try to find the Slosh if you 21+ in age.

Never been to the "femdom" munch but given the ads I've seen for it, I'd suspect you were correct. But would it harm you to try it once?

Since I'm assuming you are in Indiana I'd get on the IndianaBDSM yahoogroup and see the regularly posted munches and other events. For a hardcore "redstate" it has a good number of events. If you have time and money for gas you could try out several things and see if you can find a good fit.


For the record, the slosh/munch I've had so much trouble with was in Valpo, not Indy. I haven't had a chance to attend any of the Indy functions since I've moved into the area. I'm really a nice guy, funny, easy to get along with, and outgoing. I don't have any problems meeting, talking, and socializing in any situation.

I may try an Indy munch, if I can find the time, but I think I'll try the Anderson one first. It's closer, and smaller than any of the Indy groups.



BeachMystress -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/22/2006 7:50:30 AM)


My feeling on this subject is actually that most of the male subs are more interested in doing than talking. I noticed several of you also felt that way.

Of the remaining subs who might attend, I agree with those who pointed out it is scary to enter an unknown situation when people tend to tell you that someone is going to be unpleasant to you. I've heard the thing about male subs being mistreated by Dom many times.. but have never once seen it in real life.

I've also never seen a Pro at a munch other than one who was there as a lifestyle Dominant. I've never seen one of them troll at a munch and have actually seen them repel any who approach them other than as a lifestyle individual. Perhaps it is different in other parts of the country, but our Pros here have as many clients as their skills and time allow. If they were looking to make money, they'd not waste their time at munches.

Whatever each individuals reasons for not coming out and socializing, I find it sad that so few actually show up. Not only would it be nice for my hubby to have other male subs around to talk with, it would be nice for the single Dommes in our groups. We've been going nuts trying to find suitable subs for them for a while now. When we find one who might fit one of the munch Domme's personalities and seems to actually be into service instead of fantasy, we try to strongly encourage that male to come. To date, one of them has shown up at an event, but not the munch. *sigh* And of course the Domme he was meant for didn't come to that event. There is still hope though.... *smiles*

Oh, as an aside, our munch group's yahoo group had a poll on it about orientation that ended yesterday. The results are:
female Dominant 5 (one in an exclusive relationship and one in an open relationship)
male Dominant 4 (one in an exclusive relationship)
Female submissive 9 (one in exclusive relationship and one under consideration)
male submissive 3 (one in exclusive relationship)
female switch 2 (one in a poly relationship)
male switch 3  all single
other 3 (two in exclusive relationships)

Pretty much, only the core group responded to the poll. (People who come to at least one munch a month.) It does give you a good idea of what you'll find at any given munch.




DelightMachine -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/22/2006 4:48:32 PM)

I like that idea of a Femdom munch. I'd find it a lot more comfortable, and I'm sure most sub men would. The same munch group could set up a special Femdom night and still keep the regular munch for those who still want to see friends who are not in this particular orientation.

Wouldn't something like Club Fem attract more submissive men? Of course that's a lot harder to set up than a munch, but a Club Fem night at a BDSM club might work out.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/22/2006 5:07:31 PM)

quote:

Whatever each individuals reasons for not coming out and socializing, I find it sad that so few actually show up.

 
Beach,
I'd say that your (our) Munch group is different than many. We've been to a few and the openness and the universal lack of egos is unique compared to others. People really are open, friendly, and the only 'problem' you have is keeping up and enjoining all the conversations going on around you. New people aren't shunned off to a corner only to listen to the latest "insider story" their encouraged to tell their story and people really listen!
 
As far as a single male sub is concerned, the opportunities are obvious. The guy sitting next to me last week sure had to feel "welcome". It's a credit to you and the other organizers. Fun folks - fun times! Thanks for allowing beth & I to be a part of it.
 
See you Thursday for the next one @ Coco's!



justatoy2 -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/22/2006 5:22:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightMachine

I like that idea of a Femdom munch. I'd find it a lot more comfortable, and I'm sure most sub men would. The same munch group could set up a special Femdom night and still keep the regular munch for those who still want to see friends who are not in this particular orientation.

Wouldn't something like Club Fem attract more submissive men? Of course that's a lot harder to set up than a munch, but a Club Fem night at a BDSM club might work out.


My husband recently went to such a Club Fem munch. He also regularily attends another local munch. As he doesn't post on the boards i will relay his experience. It wasn't quite what he had hoped. Now he didn't know a person there, so it was a very difficult situation for him. He can be very shy in new surroundings. He said he preferred our local munch. There were 5 fem doms there and about 20 male submissives. He did enjoy talking to one other male submissive, but wasn't so sure he would attend another Club fem munch.  Like Mercnbeth our munch we go to is a very open and welcoming group. I told him it would probably take a few more times before he would feel like he fit in. At any rate it is good to have other male submissves to talk with.



BeachMystress -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 7:18:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
As far as a single male sub is concerned, the opportunities are obvious. The guy sitting next to me last week sure had to feel "welcome".

ROFLMAO.. dunno, but for a minute there I thought he was going to bolt due to getting too much attention. He must have felt like he was in the middle of a feeding frenzy!
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
 the only 'problem' you have is keeping up and enjoining all the conversations going on around you.
I've often wished I could split myself in two or three so I could join more of the interesting conversations around the table. The snips and snatches you hear can be very... different. LoL
quote:


See you Thursday for the next one @ Coco's!

I'm not sure if we'll be there tonight or not. I've been having problems sleeping (I'm still up from last night) and may well sleep through munch time. Hopefully I will wake up and we will be there. *fingers crossed*



Moloch -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 7:29:52 AM)

I never been to a munch, but if someone snubs me because of me being a submissive mail, Ill just write that person off as an ass or a jerk and move on. Now come to thing about it about 40% of my freinds are into BDSM and none of them ever gave a rats ass about a persons sexual or whatever else preference.
I personally would't go to a munch because  A) Im socially shy  B) I dotn want to show up at a place where I dont know anybod and start talking to people, I just dont feel comfortable.



thetammyjo -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 7:39:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightMachine

I like that idea of a Femdom munch. I'd find it a lot more comfortable, and I'm sure most sub men would. The same munch group could set up a special Femdom night and still keep the regular munch for those who still want to see friends who are not in this particular orientation.

Wouldn't something like Club Fem attract more submissive men? Of course that's a lot harder to set up than a munch, but a Club Fem night at a BDSM club might work out.


There's are pros and cons to every type of gathering. The only way to find one that works for you is to attending several times on multiple occasions and how realistic is that for most people.

Of course each type of gathering will attract different people.

I've been to femdom events at clubs and frankly found them to be a bit pompous -- sorry, ladies, he's with me, he doesn't need to kneel to you or run little errands and no, I'm not wearing heels and a bloody corset. (Can't speak for maledom events because I wouldn't be allowed in them because of my orientation).

I've never been to a femdom munch though -- if they ran like most munches I've been to, I think you'd still have the same problems of cliques, shyness, those looking for a quite lay, those just wanting to talk about mundane things and every thing else one might imagine as a problem in any group gathering.

I think the tone of the munch is set by the host and where he/she decides to hold the munch -- that can be supported or harmed by those who attend but in general those who feel uncomfortable with the intial tone will just stop coming. The clueless and the shy can be dealt with by a good host via words and a consistant policy.



BeachMystress -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 7:53:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightMachine
Wouldn't something like Club Fem attract more submissive men?

The Club FEm munch out here attracted very few subs. We rarely had the number of single submissive males outnumber the single Dominant females. It sounds like justatoy2's husband had a different experience. I do not know the orientation statistics of the different chapters of Club FEm, but you might be able to find out at http://clubfem.com (the main site for the organization)
quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightMachine
Of course that's a lot harder to set up than a munch, but a Club Fem night at a BDSM club might work out.

Some places do that. One of our local Dungeons, The Lair de Sade http://lairdesade.com/ has Venus night every other Friday. At Venus, all orientations are welcome to come, but scenes are restricted to Female Dominants only. (The other Fridays are Conquest- male Doms play only) Another local Dungeon, Threshold, http://www.threshold.org/ has "Where The Women Play" once a month in conjunction with LARAWW. http://www.laraww.org/ Passive Arts http://www.passivearts.com/ has Goddess Nite every few months. Other local venues have occasional FemDom parties. Check your local dungeons and if they don't have something in place, suggest it to them, and if they do implement it, help them advertise.
quote:


The same munch group could set up a special Femdom night and still keep the regular munch for those who still want to see friends who are not in this particular orientation.

That sounds like a recipe for cliques forming worse than they already do naturally. It might work better to officially spin off a "new" munch. That way people don't feel excluded. It is one thing to say to someone, "hey.. we're starting a FemDom munch.. do you want to come?" and another to say.. "hey, we're having another munch on X night, but only half our members are invited."



Moloch -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 7:59:18 AM)

Oh also I forgot to add, my impression from reading these boards is that if you are a young person people tend to look at you funny.



BeachMystress -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 8:17:20 AM)

quote:

I've been to femdom events at clubs and frankly found them to be a bit pompous -- sorry, ladies, he's with me, he doesn't need to kneel to you or run little errands
I actually had some strange Domme presume to give my sub an order for the first time last Sat at a new BDSM club. He came to me to ask what to do and I told him to ignore her. If she'd have asked me, I'd have probably had him do what she asked.. but just as no one drives my car without my permission, no one uses my sub in any way without my say so.
quote:

I think the tone of the munch is set by the host and where he/she decides to hold the munch
I think this is very true. We have two munches a month. One of them is held at a "family oriented" restaurant and the other at a sports bar and grill. The sports bar and grill is a place we can be loud and rowdy (they put us in a back seating area away from the rest of the customers) and after dinner, we can play pool or darts. It makes it much more of a party atmosphere and more people show up. At the family place, we eat and go home.

As for the host of our munch, laid back and friendly describe him well. He's easy to talk with and enjoys meeting new people. Best of all, he is not into drama. He is a good steady base for the munch.




Real0ne -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 11:51:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Whatever each individuals reasons for not coming out and socializing, I find it sad that so few actually show up.

 
Beach,
I'd say that your (our) Munch group is different than many. We've been to a few and the openness and the universal lack of egos is unique compared to others. People really are open, friendly, and the only 'problem' you have is keeping up and enjoining all the conversations going on around you. New people aren't shunned off to a corner only to listen to the latest "insider story" their encouraged to tell their story and people really listen!
 
As far as a single male sub is concerned, the opportunities are obvious. The guy sitting next to me last week sure had to feel "welcome". It's a credit to you and the other organizers. Fun folks - fun times! Thanks for allowing beth & I to be a part of it.
 
See you Thursday for the next one @ Coco's!


there was a group in chicago called the CDG or chiocago discussion group.  i have the pleasure of knowing the founder personally.  it was a wonderful group much like you have described above but she got so burned out on bdsm she passed it on to others where it over 5 years it totally disintegrated.  there has not been a club or group that remotely has compared since unfortunately.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 12:10:55 PM)

quote:

Check your local dungeons

 
Beach,
I read this and had an honest to goodness laugh out loud experience.

How jaded are we? People here talk about how they have to drive hundreds of miles to have an opportunity to go to one, not so well 'furnished' club. We've got what - 5 to choose from within 30 miles? Special nights for specific types of play! A decision based upon which 'equipment' we want to use? "Let's see - go to lair and use the "chain web" play area or Passive Arts and play in the 'Throne Room'?" But we still complain! "Damn! I don't feel like dealing with the hassle it is to drive home from Hollywood to the South Bay at 2:00 in the morning!"

Tonight at the Munch they'll be all kinds of talk about where people are going to play this weekend. Without looking at this week's "SoCal Events" site, I'd wager there are a minimum of dozen lifestyle events happening between here and San Diego.

Does this sound like a lifestyle version of Marie Antoinette's "Let 'em eat cake" to those reading this from places like Idaho?

Come to LA people! We'll show you a good time!



Real0ne -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 12:34:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Come to LA people! We'll show you a good time!


been there done that he is not kidding either!  never a dull moment



DreamyLadySnow -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 5:38:09 PM)

All of the reasons I feel are accurate have been posted already so I will only add this.
Attention male subs:
Male subs want to meet Dommes.
Dommes go to munches.
Do the math - if you want to meet us, go to where we are. We aren't on the computer 24/7. We are not going to knock on your door. We do want to meet you but some of the effort has to be yours.
Hope to see you soon!

Lady Snow



MichMasochist -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 6:51:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DreamyLadySnow

All of the reasons I feel are accurate have been posted already so I will only add this.
Attention male subs:
Male subs want to meet Dommes.
Dommes go to munches.
Do the math - if you want to meet us, go to where we are. We aren't on the computer 24/7. We are not going to knock on your door. We do want to meet you but some of the effort has to be yours.
Hope to see you soon!

Lady Snow



Dommes go to munches, I heard that. Well you're the first non-pro in my admittedly limited experiance.

;)
Mich



maybeican -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 7:01:02 PM)

It is hard for a male sub to go public with his feelings. It is the nature of society. Think about it.



tohottohandle21 -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 7:13:47 PM)

what are munches



DelightMachine -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 7:48:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tohottohandle21

what are munches


A non-kinky social event for kinksters like us, usually held in a restaurant. No play is involved, just conversation, food and drink. It's a way to meet others socially, but no play is involved and you don't need to do anything but show up and be friendly.

Welcome to the message boards, by the way, toohottohandle21.

Thanks to those who replied to my post. I guess there is no formula for setting up a munch except making it a friendly, tolerant, respectful group.



Friends -> RE: Why don't male subs go to munches? (3/23/2006 10:41:39 PM)

Ok, I am going to take a stab at this one.  I am a male sub and I have never, and probably will never go to a munch and there are two reasons for this.  One, I am DEATHLY afraid of running into someone I know!  Second, and the most pertinent, I do not fancy the idea of being submissive around other males, ESPECIALLY if any are "dom".  I don't know, call it a "male" thing or whatever, but I just can't be submissive around other men.  Maybe this means I am not a "true" sub to some, but I think, no, I know I am.  You can read whatever you want into my reasons and make any judgements about myself that you wish, but these are my reasons, plain and simple.  Also, I realize my profile is empty as I am not actively seeking at this time as I come here for the message boards only so please, no comments about this fact.

M



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