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CaringandReal -> RE: Sex vs Love (12/11/2009 5:00:48 AM)
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"I know that don't but I don't understand why most women can't/won't separate love and sex."
In my life the men have been much more that way than myself. But I didn't start meeting dominant men until the middle of my life, and it's very hard to completely love someone who doesn't fill your needs, no matter how enamoured they are of you and how affectionate you feel toward them. Also, as I've matured and my appearance has faded somewhat it's become more 50-50, which I far prefer. Most men fall in love with appearance first, then later it extends to the rest of the person. If your nature is very submissive, it's easy to just say yes to a relationship with the first person who comes along and wants you. That's why I think of my youth as ill-spent, I didn't discriminate. If he or she desired me, that was usually enough for me. I didn't ask myself, "they want me, that's great, but do they fit my core needs?" Frankly, it didn't occur to me to do so...or that I could. I was never much of a casual fuck. I was submissive and so I was loyal and tried to serve and obey my vanilla partners and care for them as best I could, as much as they would let me. If the relationship was short, it was because they wanted that, not because I got bored and met someone else. The converse was also true: if the relationship was long, it was not because I was very happy living with this vanilla person, but simply because they wanted it, and I didn't have a great deal of will or self-determination. I just went with the flow--until it became intolerable, as it started to do as I matured and got to know myself and my needs better.
In all relationships that occured after my silly and ill-spent teens and early 20s, there was initially no "love." There was sexual attraction, a desire to have fun, the allure of someone new, a sense of them as having qualities I admire (and those always included compassion and empathy) and somtimes a general intuition that this person was something special. In the bdsm cases the sexual attraction included feeling strongly submissive to the person. But I don't personally feel in love with someone until quite a bit of time has passed, enough time to see that they are lovable. It grows gradually, almost imperceptibly, as we get to know one another, sometimes more in me, sometime more in them. It's not important to me if my partner doesn't feel it as long as he or she is an ethical human being and also treats me in the manner I need to be treated. The dominant-submissive dynamic makes up for a lot of things. ;) But it is important that I see potential in myself to eventually grow to love them. Part of what I get off on the most is giving, and full giving, beyond the SOP of obedience, is impossible (for me) without feelings love for the dominant. Love engenders worship, after all.
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