My mother just doesnt understand...

My mother just doesnt understand... (Full Version)

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JJohnsJR24 -> My mother just doesnt understand... (12/10/2009 11:18:19 PM)
Hi all. So today I had a pretty serious confrontation with my mom, who found out about my interest and involvement in this lifestyle. And to say that she took it hard is well beyond an understatement. She went off about saying how much of a weirdo I am in the community, and how much of an embarrassment I am to her and the family. She also went on to say that I am now dead to her, and that I should never show my self around again, even for hollidays ect. I dont know what to do or think about this. My question is has anyone else ever had this kind of reaction from a family member and how did you handle it. Because I honestly dont know what to do. She is being so ignorant about this, and I dont understand why. I really hope not many else on here had to go through what I just did because it was harsh. Thanks for any input.

breatheasone -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/10/2009 11:21:30 PM)
What the heck did you tell her?....i mean its not like we do human sacrifices or anything. What got her so upset?

AquaticSub -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/10/2009 11:22:40 PM)
How did she find out? Not that it really matters - the damage has been done. I'd suggest you stop expecting her to understand. She doesn't have to and you don't need to understand why she doesn't understand. Buy a copy of "When Someone you Love is Kinky" (yeah I suggest it a lot, oh well). Read it and strongly think about the passages in which the authors discuss who really needs to know. Some people are more hurt by knowing than you are helped by them knowing. Then share it with her and ask her to read it because you love her and you want to have a good relationship with her. Then... drop it. I know that is going to be hard. My Mom said I was ripping the family apart when I came out as bisexual. But people need time to adjust to concepts that are new to them. She may need a lot of time and she might need to exist in a "I don't need to know anything" world. If so, respect that and don't give her any more information than you have to. Good luck. These situations are never easy.

ranja -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 12:31:00 AM)
Give it a week, decide on the best time to catch her in and alone then pop around for a cup of tea, bring her a bunch of flowers and a cake ask her how she is doing tell her you are very sorry to have upset her so last time and you will never talk about the subject again... be nice and curteous and tell her some nice cheerful things that have happened over the last week (totally innocent things eh... don't tell her how hillaious it was when the whip snapped or how difficult it was to wash the blood out) and after about maybe 15 to 20 minutes you make your excuses because you have to leave cause you have work to do... tell her it was really nice to see her kiss kiss good bye and on your way... repeat every week if the first time she does not let you in or hurls a lot of abuse at you.... give it another week and repeat... and again

MsMillgrove -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 12:54:56 AM)
Don't buy books and show to your mom, please. By all means read the good book suggested above yourself, but don't pass to mom. Her reaction isn't based solely on ignorance. Your involvement in this activity causes some (unknown exactly to us) ...mix of shame, betrayal, fear, humiliation, disappointment for her. It's extremely painful and threatening to her. She closed you out completely, willing to remove you from her life--perhaps as a threat to make you quit it, perhaps to protect herself. I can't see in her head, and you can't either, so we don't know for sure which set of reactions and emotions she's feeling, but ignorance is not the key factor. If she learns more, it's likely only more ammunition against you or more facts to make her fearful. In time, this could change, and maybe she will want to know more. Show by your actions as ranja suggested above that you love her, are her dear son as always. Unless she brings it up, do not discuss again. If she can open her heart a little to you, you want her back as your mom. That's all that matters. Don't demand her understanding, or her support. You know already how unlikely her approval would be. You might feel you want it, but you're risking losing her if you demand it. Obviously this is a deal breaker for her. Don't ask of her what she cannot give. People do go over the top, act out, freak out, say things they don't mean. Let your mom cool off, she's still your mom and no matter what happens, remember that in her heart--somewhere inside her--you're with her.. just as she is with you. You'll never lose each other, no matter what happens in everyday life. Hugs to you and so sorry this happened esp at this time of year. Things will be better next year, all things must pass. All Things Must Pass-The Jesus and Mary Chain

AquaticSub -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 1:17:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsMillgrove Don't buy books and show to your mom, please. By all means read the good book suggested above yourself, but don't pass to mom. Her reaction isn't based solely on ignorance. Your involvement in this activity causes some (unknown exactly to us) ...mix of shame, betrayal, fear, humiliation, disappointment for her. It's extremely painful and threatening to her. She closed you out completely, willing to remove you from her life--perhaps as a threat to make you quit it, perhaps to protect herself. Then what does he have to lose? He just might gain something if she reads it and gains some understanding of him. The damage is already the done - the topic has been brought up. Now it's just a matter of seeing what can be saved. quote: I can't see in her head, and you can't either, so we don't know for sure which set of reactions and emotions she's feeling, but ignorance is not the key factor. If she learns more, it's likely only more ammunition against you or more facts to make her fearful. In time, this could change, and maybe she will want to know more. It could be ammunition or it might provide a different prospective. Only the OP will know what is more likely. But regardless, if she wants to find more ammunition, she will. At least this way, she'll have some facts and not lies. quote: Show by your actions as ranja suggested above that you love her, are her dear son as always. Unless she brings it up, do not discuss again. If she can open her heart a little to you, you want her back as your mom. That's all that matters. Don't demand her understanding, or her support. You know already how unlikely her approval would be. You might feel you want it, but you're risking losing her if you demand it. Obviously this is a deal breaker for her. Don't ask of her what she cannot give. People do go over the top, act out, freak out, say things they don't mean. Let your mom cool off, she's still your mom and no matter what happens, remember that in her heart--somewhere inside her--you're with her.. just as she is with you. You'll never lose each other, no matter what happens in everyday life. Hugs to you and so sorry this happened esp at this time of year. Things will be better next year, all things must pass. All Things Must Pass-The Jesus and Mary Chain I do echo the sentiments of not demanding what she can't give and giving her time to cool off. But I stand by my suggestion. By the OP's tone, if the mother has already shut him out then he has nothing to lose by offering to pass on the book. If she refuses to read it, that is her choice. If she uses it to shoot him down, it's the same as her seeing an article or show on TV. This way, he at least knows he has made an honest effort to bridge the gap, which is all he can do.

RCdc -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 1:32:22 AM)
Aqua - if it was someone else, like a friend, I would agree with you. But honestly, I would suggest that buying your mother a book like that would be ill advised and yes, he still has something to lose and giving her a book on the subject right now or even in a month would not be IMO, advisable. Apart from anything else, she need not be subjected to his choice of lifestyle. Maybe in a few years - if she sees him happy and content and well adjusted and still know he is participating - that alone will be all the info she needs. Giving your mother books on the subject will be unlikely to help. It's not just because it's BDSM either... I would say the same thing if he said she had found out he was a christian or gay or whatever. If she wants the books and loves him, she will look into it herself just like any good parent would and will not want her own child thrusting it upon her when she is just getting over the shock of her initial discovery. the.dark.

AquaticSub -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 1:36:06 AM)
It's that it has already come up that causes me to suggest doing so. Otherwise I would agree with you. I am not suggesting that he bombard her with information - simply an offer to provide a resource that may help her better understand. I am not confident that someone so opposed to the idea will be able to find factual and effective resources on their own without guidence. Even Valyraen's parents, who were open to learning but hestiant, needed our help in finding resources. If she doesn't want it, then I would never say that the OP should insist. Simply let her know, as the damage has already been done, that he will help her understand if she wants to.

RCdc -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 1:41:12 AM)
Hi John It happens. My parents went mad over something else... it's funny - they have always been cool about this facet of me! We don't know your family background - but if you are her only boy, or the youngest or oldest - these could factor into her feelings... and I dont know if your father is around or not and what kind of relationships she is used to. It's all too open to guess why. But it does happen and shes found out and now you just have to show her - by example - just how rocking this thing we do can be. I know it can be hard, but just still be her son and send the cards and try to keep in contact and just stay active in her life. That way you can show her how responsible you are being and that you still care about her, regardless. (That is - if you still do). the.dark.

RCdc -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 1:47:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub It's that it has already come up that causes me to suggest doing so. Otherwise I would agree with you. I am not suggesting that he bombard her with information - simply an offer to provide a resource that may help her better understand. I am not confident that someone so opposed to the idea will be able to find factual and effective resources on their own without guidence. Even Valyraen's parents, who were open to learning but hestiant, needed our help in finding resources. If she doesn't want it, then I would never say that the OP should insist. Simply let her know, as the damage has already been done, that he will help her understand if she wants to. I agree that he should say 'If you want info, know that I am here for you, just like you were there for me when I was learning about something new' but I really don't think that offering book titles etc or buying stuff for her would be constructive right now. Buying it before shes asked or is ready might be even more hurtful and makes it seem as though shes usless. Just because Valyrens parents have the strength to accept help, does not mean that others are. Some people are independant and wilful, so I just simply disagree that buying and giving something like that will help. the.dark.

Acer49 -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 1:47:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24 Hi all. So today I had a pretty serious confrontation with my mom, who found out about my interest and involvement in this lifestyle. And to say that she took it hard is well beyond an understatement. She went off about saying how much of a weirdo I am in the community, and how much of an embarrassment I am to her and the family. She also went on to say that I am now dead to her, and that I should never show my self around again, even for hollidays ect. I dont know what to do or think about this. My question is has anyone else ever had this kind of reaction from a family member and how did you handle it. Because I honestly dont know what to do. She is being so ignorant about this, and I dont understand why. I really hope not many else on here had to go through what I just did because it was harsh. Thanks for any input. My mother walked into my bedroom looking for the restroom, I had all bmy toys out. I simply explained it to her, she smiled and said "ok". No judgement, no shrieks or drama, But then in my family, we accept oneanother unconditionally

WyldHrt -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 1:58:22 AM)
Hard call. Honestly .dark, some of the first things I found when I started researching BDSM online on my own damned near sent me screaming in the other direction. I certainly wouldn't want my mom trying to sort it all out completely on her own. OTOH, pushing my lifestyle into her face wouldn't be well received either.

AquaticSub -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 1:58:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub It's that it has already come up that causes me to suggest doing so. Otherwise I would agree with you. I am not suggesting that he bombard her with information - simply an offer to provide a resource that may help her better understand. I am not confident that someone so opposed to the idea will be able to find factual and effective resources on their own without guidence. Even Valyraen's parents, who were open to learning but hestiant, needed our help in finding resources. If she doesn't want it, then I would never say that the OP should insist. Simply let her know, as the damage has already been done, that he will help her understand if she wants to. I agree that he should say 'If you want info, know that I am here for you, just like you were there for me when I was learning about something new' but I really don't think that offering book titles etc or buying stuff for her would be constructive right now. Buying it before shes asked or is ready might be even more hurtful and makes it seem as though shes usless. Perhaps buying and sending would help, perhaps it wouldn't. That will depend on the specifics that we just don't know. I think offering the title will allow her to buy it on her own when she is ready and not have to contact him again about it until she is more informed and ready to discuss things. quote: Just because Valyrens parents have the strength to accept help, does not mean that others are. Some people are independant and wilful, so I just simply disagree that buying and giving something like that will help. the.dark. You misunderstand why I brought up his parents. I am not suggesting that his mother can handle it because Val's parents could. I brought up them to point out that even those who are willing to accept probably don't know where to find resources on their own.

SoulPiercer -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 2:03:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone What the heck did you tell her?....i mean its not like we do human sacrifices or anything. What got her so upset? "Mom and dad, I met a terrific guy. He's established in his career, has his own car, unlike my previous two boyfriends, he doesn't smack me arround like my ex-husband. By the way he's black." Stand back and watch the parents flip out. Am I saying everyone's parents will flip? No, but rest assured some will. And that applies to anything our parents might not agree with or do not understand, be it our partner's race, our choice of religion, our sexual preference and our involvement in so-called "deviant behavior". It doesn't matter that we don't sacrifice babies. I'm 45, been exploring the "lifestyle" for close to 15 years now. My parents still don't know. But I have never felt the need to discuss my private life in detail with my parents, siblings, friends or co-workers. I don't need anyone's approval. As previously posted, give your mom time to cool off. Don't pass any books along. She'll react in the same way she would if you told her you'd devoted your life to Hare Krishna and wanted to leave her some literature. Give her a call before the family gets together. Don't say: "So, am I still banned from Christmas dinner?" Just tell her you're looking forward to seeing everyone and you hope she likes her Christmas present (don't get her a gift card!). As for your previous conversation, leave it alone. When/if she wants to talk about it, she'll bring it up.

RCdc -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 2:04:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt Hard call. Honestly .dark, some of the first things I found when I started researching BDSM online on my own damned near sent me screaming in the other direction. I certainly wouldn't want my mom trying to sort it all out completely on her own. OTOH, pushing my lifestyle into her face wouldn't be well received either. I can understand that WyldOne. I ultimately believe that if you want someone you love and care about, to know that BDSM isn't all that 'bad', then you just have to be the positive influence yourself and lead by example. Then the rest just happens. the.dark.

RCdc -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 2:11:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub Perhaps buying and sending would help, perhaps it wouldn't. That will depend on the specifics that we just don't know. I think offering the title will allow her to buy it on her own when she is ready and not have to contact him again about it until she is more informed and ready to discuss things. Exactly, we don't know the specifics. We don't know his family situation. Also, there will be people reading this that might be in the same position who will have a different set up. I just don't believe that advising buying and sending the books automatically in cases of parents is a good idea regardless if shes already disowned him and it can't make it any worse, because it might make it worse. On something like this I believe time is the biggest thing. quote: You misunderstand why I brought up his parents. I am not suggesting that his mother can handle it because Val's parents could. I brought up them to point out that even those who are willing to accept probably don't know where to find resources on their own. I understood, I just don't think that it's relevant. The best thing the OP can do is work on his own feelings and emotions and not be weighed down by what his, or any other persons parents might or might not do. The best thing he can do is to be himself and just carry on as he would and love his mother as he would and let her see how he grows. the.dark.

SoulPiercer -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 2:13:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Aqua - if it was someone else, like a friend, I would agree with you. But honestly, I would suggest that buying your mother a book like that would be ill advised and yes, he still has something to lose and giving her a book on the subject right now or even in a month would not be IMO, advisable. Apart from anything else, she need not be subjected to his choice of lifestyle. Maybe in a few years - if she sees him happy and content and well adjusted and still know he is participating - that alone will be all the info she needs. Giving your mother books on the subject will be unlikely to help. It's not just because it's BDSM either... I would say the same thing if he said she had found out he was a christian or gay or whatever. If she wants the books and loves him, she will look into it herself just like any good parent would and will not want her own child thrusting it upon her when she is just getting over the shock of her initial discovery. the.dark. I vote for the above as best post. AquaticSub, your comment below is why I don't recommend the book approach. quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub Even Valyraen's parents, who were open to learning but hestiant, needed our help in finding resources. As you said Valyraen's parents were open to learning. If the OPs mother ever reaches that point, sure, he should point her in the right direct and help her find resources. Until that time, it's like giving the Bible to an atheist.

Elizabeth666 -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 2:22:12 AM)
OP - I'm sorry to hear about her reaction and I hope you can work things out with her. In my experience, when I told my Mom and Sister about my interest in the lifestyle (We are pretty open with eachother), their first comment was "What? You want someone to beat the shit out of you?" Then I had to explain to them what it all meant, what it was that I was interested in. When they realized I was a sub, they were really surprised, they figured if anything, I would be a Domme. Why? Because of how I dress, my personality and the way I carry myself. It was a trial trying to get them to understand why I was submissive and not a D type. Anyway, long story short, they accept me. They might not totally understand it, but they aren't judging me. Actually, they came up this summer and they met my D/Boyfriend and really liked Him. They asked Him questions about us and He answered openly and honestly. Now when I talk to her and I mention I am going to go see Him, she asks "Oh, your friend who likes to beat you up?" I just sigh, shake my head and remind her He's my bf who happens to like what I like and No Mom, He does not beat me up lol. Some people are under a misconception or only think of the stereotype of BDSM. Some people may understand, some may not. You told your Mom and she was upset, understandable. Will she ever understand why you want to be in this? Maybe, maybe not. But don't force her. If she does, great. If not, then just keep it as a part of you that you keep to yourself. Don't change who you are, because you can't, just try to understand her mindset and let her adjust.....or not. Good luck though

sirsholly -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 2:22:40 AM)
quote: As previously posted, give your mom time to cool off. Don't pass any books along. She'll react in the same way she would if you told her you'd devoted your life to Hare Krishna and wanted to leave her some literature. Give her a call before the family gets together. Don't say: "So, am I still banned from Christmas dinner?" Just tell her you're looking forward to seeing everyone and you hope she likes her Christmas present (don't get her a gift card!). As for your previous conversation, leave it alone. When/if she wants to talk about it, she'll bring it up. _____________________________ [sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif]

AquaticSub -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 2:27:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SoulPiercer quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub Even Valyraen's parents, who were open to learning but hestiant, needed our help in finding resources. As you said Valyraen's parents were open to learning. If the OPs mother ever reaches that point, sure, he should point her in the right direct and help her find resources. Until that time, it's like giving the Bible to an atheist. You missed my point. I did not bring them up because I think his mother is open to learning at the moment. I brought them up because they were willing and could not find the resources on their own. I seriously doubt someone so unwilling will be able to find the resources without any guidance and I believe it's better for her to at least be aware they exist so that she can find them on her own when she is ready instead of having to call him and ask. Quite frankly, kinksters have to come to the forums to find book lists. I'm willing to eat my best collar if my Mom can find a good resource on BDSM without guidance. [:D]

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