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MarcEsadrian -> RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman (1/1/2010 2:20:12 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
The following topic has always been in the back of my mind, but as a result of various events currently happening in my life, it has come to the forefront: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman. Note that the following post contains my half-formed ideas on the topic and is not meant to offend anyone. Also, this is not meant as a rant but rather a perspective I offer up for discussion.
I see the over-fetishization of the dominant woman as something that occurs when a dominant woman has ceased to be a woman in the other's mind and has been reduced to a fetish object, the "other" being most often, but surely not exclusively, a man. This line taken from a Wikipedia entry on sexual fetishism pretty much resumes it well: the sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner.
To the submissive men, have you ever felt torn about this? Have you ever honestly felt you were over fetishizing a Domme? Why do you think that was? How did you work through this? If applicable, how did a Domme help you work through this?
To everyone else, constructive and practical advice as well as your perspective is always welcome of course :-)
I do understand your argument overall. I tend to feel that there is a risk of throwing the baby out with the bath water on this subject, however. While the merit in submitting to the individual woman is obvious, it's at least partially worth saying that we should probably avoid making a fetish of not making things a fetish, too. I feel it's obvious that swinging the pendulum too far the other way is detrimental, especially in a community / forum / circle / where "fetish" is no pariah.
Putting up with detached male fetishes and bottoms masquerading as submissive men is all part of the collateral damage, especially as commercialization of BDSM becomes even more prevalent, though it's not simply commercial interest that's to blame. It's apparent to me that those who want to find authentically submissive men or authentically dominant women are facing an increasingly uphill battle; BDSM, S&M, and "bondage" are ideas that seem to be more accepted and practiced as time goes on, which means more experimenters, explorers, dabblers, playboys and playgirls are entering the pool. As a result, the acts have become sensationalized and transformed, but I'm not so sure the context behind the acts or the personal psychology that manifests the acts organically is very well understood—or perhaps more importantly—accepted.
And therein lies a path to perhaps another discussion. Often when the colder components of D/s are discussed—even if framed within a meaningful relationship—it riles people up, especially the fluffy romantic idealists, who tend to have little experience but a lot of advice and opinions to give, nonetheless. They have difficulty resolving "The Loving Dominant" with extreme psychological / physical conditioning, cruelty and inequality that can happen in D/s relationships, or those who seek this relationship archetype out. They may have trouble accepting that a fetish can be used as a tool to maintain control or obedience, that hyper sexualization can be augmented into pavlovian responses, and that all of this can fit within the bounds of "meaningful submission" or "meaningful dominance" or "meaningful relationship" without invalidating it. I'm sure you'll agree with that idea. It's not that I find your words counter to these practices or theories, but I am leery of those moral purists who would digest your lament in the wrong way.
To put it another way, I would not want to see women stop wearing leather or high heels out of concern of being "objectified". Rather, I'd like to know they have confidence in the use of their image to seduce and inspire, while at the same time, not feeling like they have to mindlessly fulfill those images as a standard, either. I'd like to know that foremost, a dominant woman is actualized in Her dominance, and that she knows what she wants—that her image is not solely "dick-tated"—either by support of men's fantasies or in rebelling against them. I'd like to know that a dominant woman will soberly and intuitively understand male sexuality, and hone it to serve hers, offering a place where his impulses can be freely expressed without judgment and simultaneously harnessed for her ultimate control and pleasure. I would like to know that a dominant woman knows how to give herself permission to indulge in her own authentic "thing" too, and isn't simply using the D/s medium as a means toward incompatible ends. And yes, that she understands real submission—and dominance—is vital if a D/s relationship is to work.
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