RE: Not quite sure how to continue...

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Acer49 -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (12/31/2009 11:00:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UnknowingMaster I have a problem, and as you can tell from the title, I am not quite sure how to continue. Please excuse any typing errors as I am doing this from my phone. The last time I posted on here, was about 15 months or so ago and I had asked for help in becoming a better Dom. I don't know if I am doing it wrong, if I just don't have enough motivation, etc, but I just can't seem to get into the role. My wife introduced me to the d/s aspect of her sexuality while I was deployed, sent me tons of articles, talked to me on end about this and was/has been extremely enthusiastic about the lifestyle. I just don't know how to handle some situations. I am a very laid back type of person, and most of the time just don't care about what is happening in my surroundings. Don't get me wrong, I can be alert and responsive if I want, I just usually don't care to be. My main problem that I am having now is that she is burying her nose in books such as "The Story of O" or some other series that is "The Claiming of someone or other". I can noticibly tell a difference between when she is reading stuff like that or just plain vanilla romance novels. The only time that she is ever "in the mood" is when she reads the d/s stuff. I love her to death, but I can't figure out what to do. She claims that when we try a scene, she can notice that I am not that into it. There are other things that she wants to do that, again, I am not into, but I will have the common courtesy not to say because she does view these boards. I want to make her happy, but to what expense do I do that? Do I spend the rest of my life living as a person that I clearly am not, or do I just not fulfill her fantasies? Living the life as the person that I am not will obviously work in my favor sexually, but not fulfilling her fantasies will leave me initiating if I ever want sex. Thoughts, comments, suggestions, criticism? I don't know if any of this made sense or if I just seem like I am rambling. Thank you for your help. Since you asked For what I have read so far, you just don't strike as a dominant, and that is not a slap against you, some people are and some people arn't. It also appears, at least at this point you are not a very good actor as your wife has already observed, you are not really into it. Again, this is not a bad thing as it is very hard to try to be something you are not. Yes, I believe motivation, of lack of, may be a problem. Motovations is not something one can be taught, that you have to find within yourself. Do you realize what aspects you seem to have difficulty " getting into" and why? What situations are you having problems handling? Trying to recreate the Story of O or the Claiming of Beauty is pretty insense and I fear that she may be diappointed. Only "in the mood" in a sexual mood or a D/s mood? While I understand you may not be into some of the things she is, is there some reason you can't do them? for the good of your relationship? Is she wanting a 24/7 D/s relationship? Does she desire to be a bedroom submissive? What makes you think that you will only get sex if you are in "character?" I am reluctant to suggest searching out a trainer because, while they can teach you the mechanics, they can't teach desire and motivation. I think you need to speak very candidly to your wife, laying everything out on the table.

AquaticSub -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 12:50:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 Oh good, I was hoping to be the subblier of the two of us, LOL Is it unsubbly that now I am picturing subby contests and winner doing a victory dance, chanting "I'm the subbliest! I'm more subbly than you, I'm more subbly than you!"?

lally2 -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 6:22:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: osf quote: personally, for me, i have to know the guy wants to do those things for HIMSELF first and foremost. if shes the same it wont work for her either. you mean it's about me? ok, once more for the hard of hearing [:)] the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to.

DesFIP -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 6:28:21 AM)
Great hijacks but since my back is hurting, I'm not entering the jello wrestling lists. OP, you can be dominant and also laid back. There must be things you want or don't want. Do you want her to wake you with a cup of coffee every morning? Do you want her never again to make quiche for dinner? Start with those things. Give her a written list. Tell her that she doesn't get what she wants scening until she starts behaving in real life. Bend her over your knee and give her a short, hard spanking daily. Anything else is dependent on her doing what she's told. Now go google bdsm checklists and see what you do like. I understand you aren't into s & m. What about bondage? Does the idea of a naked woman all tied up like a Christmas present appeal to you? Then do that. You may not get off on not permitting her to orgasm except for once a week, you may indeed prefer to make her orgasm until she's gasping for breath and begging to stop. If so, buy a selection of vibrators and do that. And occasionally fulfill her fantasies. Have her write down short scenes she would enjoy and if she's earned one, then take one from that jar and do it. She won't know which you've picked till it happens. What she wants is to be controlled because she feels overwhelmed by daily life. So grab her, growl into her ear what you want to do even if that is telling her to climb on top and ride you. But all she knows is fantasy, try out some of the reality and let her discover that spending a weekend kneeling at your feet waiting for your orders is uncomfortable and boring. That having to ask permission to go to the bathroom is something she never wants to do again. That being caned is painful and not erotic. Beyond that, go to a local munch in your area, see how other d/s couples interact. Make friends and discover that they look like ordinary people also. Some of the other men there will be able to offer advice, they will be people you can model your behavior on.

osf -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 7:21:52 AM)
quote: the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to. thanks im saving that so i remember it

lally2 -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 7:40:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: osf quote: the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to. thanks im saving that so i remember it youre welcome, sorry was sounding a bit sarky earlier. the thing is., ultimately its about both of you being happy, fulfilled and enjoying each other and often that enjoyment is all wrapped up in the D being the leader and directing the submissive in the direction he wants her to go. so initially it is about HIMSELF, and if he is enjoying himself then the sub is going to enjoy herself more because she knows she's pleasing him (a big biggiee for many submissive types) there are times when the D may very well decide to do something for the sub that leaves him cold, but that is his decision in the end and so long as it is, the sub will extract a great deal of pleasure from that gesture. its still within his domain and control to do it or not though. apart from everything else going on with this couple here, it seems to me that the wife is driving the situation and he is being dragged along by it. that isnt going to sit well anyway. we dont know how much Ds or even Ms she needs or thinks she needs, she may be way of the richter scale for him, or it might be that some level of compromise could be reached. who knows, i really wish them well though, it must be really tough. disclaimer: these are my veiws only of course, the way i see things from my perspective only.

osf -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 7:50:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 quote: ORIGINAL: osf quote: the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to. thanks im saving that so i remember it youre welcome, sorry was sounding a bit sarky earlier. the thing is., ultimately its about both of you being happy, fulfilled and enjoying each other and often that enjoyment is all wrapped up in the D being the leader and directing the submissive in the direction he wants her to go. so initially it is about HIMSELF, and if he is enjoying himself then the sub is going to enjoy herself more because she knows she's pleasing him (a big biggiee for many submissive types) there are times when the D may very well decide to do something for the sub that leaves him cold, but that is his decision in the end and so long as it is, the sub will extract a great deal of pleasure from that gesture. its still within his domain and control to do it or not though. apart from everything else going on with this couple here, it seems to me that the wife is driving the situation and he is being dragged along by it. that isnt going to sit well anyway. we dont know how much Ds or even Ms she needs or thinks she needs, she may be way of the richter scale for him, or it might be that some level of compromise could be reached. who knows, i really wish them well though, it must be really tough. disclaimer: these are my veiws only of course, the way i see things from my perspective only. ok, my honest view, it's all about the relationship, they both have roles within the relationship, if either plays their role badly the relationship suffers both serve the relationship

lally2 -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 7:59:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: osf quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 quote: ORIGINAL: osf quote: the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to. thanks im saving that so i remember it youre welcome, sorry was sounding a bit sarky earlier. the thing is., ultimately its about both of you being happy, fulfilled and enjoying each other and often that enjoyment is all wrapped up in the D being the leader and directing the submissive in the direction he wants her to go. so initially it is about HIMSELF, and if he is enjoying himself then the sub is going to enjoy herself more because she knows she's pleasing him (a big biggiee for many submissive types) there are times when the D may very well decide to do something for the sub that leaves him cold, but that is his decision in the end and so long as it is, the sub will extract a great deal of pleasure from that gesture. its still within his domain and control to do it or not though. apart from everything else going on with this couple here, it seems to me that the wife is driving the situation and he is being dragged along by it. that isnt going to sit well anyway. we dont know how much Ds or even Ms she needs or thinks she needs, she may be way of the richter scale for him, or it might be that some level of compromise could be reached. who knows, i really wish them well though, it must be really tough. disclaimer: these are my veiws only of course, the way i see things from my perspective only. ok, my honest view, it's all about the relationship, they both have roles within the relationship, if either plays their role badly the relationship suffers both serve the relationship of course

CaringandReal -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 8:53:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 quote: ORIGINAL: osf quote: personally, for me, i have to know the guy wants to do those things for HIMSELF first and foremost. if shes the same it wont work for her either. you mean it's about me? ok, once more for the hard of hearing [:)] the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to. What's with all the taking things this poster clearly says in jest as deathly serious? (confused look) Is Mnottertail the only one on here that gets to make all the bad jokes around here? Um, I mean... (shuts up)

osf -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 8:59:17 AM)
quote: s Mnottertail the only one on here that gets to make all the bad jokes around here? Um, I mean... (shuts up) pahleese my jokes are for the ages, witty, humorous and totally ununderstandable

CaringandReal -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 9:01:15 AM)
All right, UnknowingMaster, I've read through the on-topic responses in the thread, noted the things I would have said that someone's already said. The only one thing I thought of hasn't been suggested yet is this: read the books she is reading. Particularly the "Claiming Of" ones (there are 3 of them). They're hot easy reads, and even people who don't feel very bdsm-like often feel something (nice) when they read them. Not only will it help you to understand your wife a little better, but it may be you discover aspects of this kind of sex that you might enjoy. Do you remember in your teens watching porn or reading magazines about sex and discovering a few interests you never knew you had that way? The same thing can happen here. Not guarantees, but it might. I wouldn't bother with the Story of O until after I'd read the others, though. It's less approachable, particularly if you're reading it cold (from a no interest standpoint). Only read it if you find something you enjoyed in the first three books.

lally2 -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 9:03:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CaringandReal quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 quote: ORIGINAL: osf quote: personally, for me, i have to know the guy wants to do those things for HIMSELF first and foremost. if shes the same it wont work for her either. you mean it's about me? ok, once more for the hard of hearing [:)] the D.O.M.I.N.A.N.T is the leader in the relationship. its his decision and its what drives him that drives the relationship. and basically that is what this thread boils down to. What's with all the taking things this poster clearly says in jest as deathly serious? (confused look) Is Mnottertail the only one on here that gets to make all the bad jokes around here? Um, I mean... (shuts up) oh sorry, i thought the guy was worried about his marriage - (confused look) feel free to make as many bad jokes as you like and ill continue to feel free to post as i like. hows that ?

osf -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 9:05:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CaringandReal All right, UnknowingMaster, I've read through the on-topic responses in the thread, noted the things I would have said that someone's already said. The only one thing I thought of hasn't been suggested yet is this: read the books she is reading. Particularly the "Claiming Of" ones (there are 3 of them). They're hot easy reads, and even people who don't feel very bdsm-like often feel something (nice) when they read them. Not only will it help you to understand your wife a little better, but it may be you discover aspects of this kind of sex that you might enjoy. Do you remember in your teens watching porn or reading magazines about sex and discovering a few interests you never knew you had that way? The same thing can happen here. Not guarantees, but it might. I wouldn't bother with the Story of O until after I'd read the others, though. It's less approachable, particularly if you're reading it cold (from a no interest standpoint). Only read it if you find something you enjoyed in the first three books. quote: I wouldn't bother with the Story of O until after I'd read the others, though. It's less approachable, particularly if you're reading it cold (from a no interest standpoint). Only read it if you find something you enjoyed in the first three books. "O" was the beginning of my serious awakening but i had read de sade with interest when i was a teen

osf -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 9:06:56 AM)
quote: feel free to make as many bad jokes as you like and ill continue to feel free to post as i like. hows that ? DEAL!!!!!

sexyred1 -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 9:16:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 Oh good, I was hoping to be the subblier of the two of us, LOL Is it unsubbly that now I am picturing subby contests and winner doing a victory dance, chanting "I'm the subbliest! I'm more subbly than you, I'm more subbly than you!"? Nah..that is NOT what happens when you win the subby contest. You know what they say, winner takes it all. Use your imagination on that one..muahahahaha. :)

mnottertail -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 9:32:27 AM)
so, did the fuckin OP cakk the wife or what? He aint been back. Ron

sexyred1 -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 9:33:44 AM)
Who knows? You know most of the thread starters never return..or may months later to pick up where they left off. Happy New Year!

mnottertail -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 9:50:13 AM)
and to you and yours!!!!!!

aphatjohnson -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 9:58:05 AM)
If being a dom doesn't work for you, why not try both of you being a switch or you being a switch??? Be a dom sometimes and being a sub sometimes. She may like taking on the dominant role if you give her the chance. That may give her enough satisfaction that it works. You may find that if your not always expected to be the dom that it may be more enjoyable when you are. A lot of people in the lifestyle label them selves as dominant or submissive but switch roles regularly depending on the partner or situation.

osf -> RE: Not quite sure how to continue... (1/1/2010 10:09:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: aphatjohnson If being a dom doesn't work for you, why not try both of you being a switch or you being a switch??? Be a dom sometimes and being a sub sometimes. She may like taking on the dominant role if you give her the chance. That may give her enough satisfaction that it works. You may find that if your not always expected to be the dom that it may be more enjoyable when you are. A lot of people in the lifestyle label them selves as dominant or submissive but switch roles regularly depending on the partner or situation. i'd be no good as a switch, cause if she didn't do it right i'd smack her

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