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RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/21/2006 2:05:05 PM

MistressBliss

Posts: 9
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

My submissive and I are very blessed in that we found each other, married and have a very lovely life together. I think in today's society it is hard to get any kind of relationship going. Desiring a mate who is also in the lifestyle makes it that much harder. I will tell you this, my husband and I met thru a internet service that is for those in the lifestyle. Do not give up hope, and I wish you luck in your search.

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 21

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/21/2006 4:47:52 PM

cynthiamarie

Posts: 205
Joined: 3/11/2005
From: Bluefield, WV, USA
Status: offline

I was looking for a soulmate last year, but need a break from it.

My profile advertises that I am looking for some bottoms/friends to play with this year before I begin looking in earnest again...but...typically me again *rueful smile* I keep forming attachments with people who are too far away, when it wouldn't be in their best interest to allow, or ask for, their relocation.

The loving and caring have never been any less just because of the distance; I compare my feelings to past r/t relationships and they have been the same in intensity. And the same pain when it doesn't work out.

I see how she weaned you away from her. Someone once used the same methods to help me separate from him (I was new and a sub back then) and I hated it but understood what he was doing. It's hard to weigh if a sudden dumping is better, or a gradual release; personally, I would rather have a dependent outgrow me and let them see that our relationship is not working for them either, than have to go through something fast and dramatic.

I cannot relocate, since I have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (cancer in the lymph nodes, part of the immune system; I don't do remissions) and cannot risk losing my medical insurance. There are many legitimate reasons why people set limits on relationships, and I don't disrespect them for it as long as they are open about it and not misleading anyone.

All those feelings you gushed out...sounds like sub frenzy. Please be careful at such times to slow down and sometimes back off, until you can see the real person/people you're chatting with...and not just a reflection of your own need for a power exchange fix. Take time out to grieve for this relationship that has died first...it takes longer than we think...one step forward and then suddenly and unexpectedly two steps back.

You don't want to be collared by the wrong person when the right one finally enters your life.

(in reply to MistressBliss)

Post #: 22

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/21/2006 11:46:10 PM

Real0ne

Posts: 21189
Joined: 10/25/2004
Status: offline

love...

i guess it depends on what kind of love you are seeking.

many out here if not all want some "version" of love. if you are the kind of person who like me wants the blissful extremely close in each others skin till death do us part love that will be very difficult to find.

Tho every one wants love you will find that due to previous trauma's unhealed wounds, abuse, etc most people out here are damaged goods and are no longer really capable of loving in the described manner if they ever were, and the ones that are capable are very far and few between.

as others have said yoiu really cannot judge a ld relationship to well because its very easy to put on a smiley face for a weekend.

everyone has their own gauge but i have found that if i stayed with someone for a month i got a pretty good idea what was going on, but on the other hand i have known people to paste on a smiley face for years.

together and live in is really the only way to get a good feel for somoene.

< Message edited by Real0ne -- 3/21/2006 11:47:59 PM >

_____________________________

"We the Borg" of the us imperialists....resistance is futile

Democracy; The 'People' voted on 'which' amendment?

Yesterdays tinfoil is today's reality!

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session

(in reply to subCDswfl)

Post #: 23

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/22/2006 11:11:21 AM

FLsubmalecd

Posts: 143
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cynthiamarie

I was looking for a soulmate last year, but need a break from it.

My profile advertises that I am looking for some bottoms/friends to play with this year before I begin looking in earnest again...but...typically me again *rueful smile* I keep forming attachments with people who are too far away, when it wouldn't be in their best interest to allow, or ask for, their relocation.

The loving and caring have never been any less just because of the distance; I compare my feelings to past r/t relationships and they have been the same in intensity. And the same pain when it doesn't work out.

I see how she weaned you away from her. Someone once used the same methods to help me separate from him (I was new and a sub back then) and I hated it but understood what he was doing. It's hard to weigh if a sudden dumping is better, or a gradual release; personally, I would rather have a dependent outgrow me and let them see that our relationship is not working for them either, than have to go through something fast and dramatic.

I cannot relocate, since I have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (cancer in the lymph nodes, part of the immune system; I don't do remissions) and cannot risk losing my medical insurance. There are many legitimate reasons why people set limits on relationships, and I don't disrespect them for it as long as they are open about it and not misleading anyone.

All those feelings you gushed out...sounds like sub frenzy. Please be careful at such times to slow down and sometimes back off, until you can see the real person/people you're chatting with...and not just a reflection of your own need for a power exchange fix. Take time out to grieve for this relationship that has died first...it takes longer than we think...one step forward and then suddenly and unexpectedly two steps back.

You don't want to be collared by the wrong person when the right one finally enters your life.

cynthiamarie

First, my heart goes out to You. You are now in my prayers Ma'am. It hit close to home. I lost a wife from lymphoma back in 1984. I wish you well. You deserve all the love I can offer to You. May I offer my friendship and my e-mail is on m profile should you care to write. I'd be proud to know you.

Wow, If I did not know better, I'd think you knew the whole story of exactly what she did to wean me away from her! I mean the way you worded it. As I think back on it, she must have started that process back in somewhere around September. That is when she said she cared so much for me and felt guilty that it was her fault that I was not getting laid or even seeing any other woman. Of course she added that it could not be another Domme. Just a woman for vanilla sex. I stayed true to the end. I loved and respected ehr so much that even sex was out of the question for me. I had no interest...Well, I had interest, but not enough to cheat on her...I tried. Could not do it. And the only reason I tried was to please her and remove her guilt. Bit now that in the end she cheated and lied to me, I wonder if her reasons for wanting me to date were sincere..or just an excuse to cheat on me, She broke our vow of TRUST and vow to always be open and honest. No doubt she was part of the reason for a heart attack back in November. then a break up over nothing on Decemeber 5th. Then she took me back after my begging and doing all I could to get her to. That was Christmas Eve. But it was never the same. She totally stopped saying "I love you" except on my birthday. Then finally, as if I should have known or expected, she told me of her life long friend that she has alwasy had sex with if the mood struck either of them. I don't mind telling you, it broke my heart into pieces! I cried for 2 days straight and was litterally sick to my stomach. I guess that was her way to finally get me to let go. She knew I'd take that very hard. To me it was just plain cruel and not neccasary! Well I even tried to accept this from her. I was willing to give up my personla moral standards becasue I loved her that much. But I could not do it. So now it has eneded wit name calliong and harsh words that I am not proud of. Makes me wonder if she really ever loved me at all. But for 3 years I knew she did. Or why else hang on for that long in a LD relationship?
Now she lies to cover lies. I catch her in new ones with each bitter and nasty e-mail she sends me. Last night she said I will never see her on-li9ne again after I wrote her a note about her away messages that she writes to her new toy just to hurt me. And I know that is what they are meant to be. After all, she said a few weeks ago that I am not even on her list. Yet she slipped up and said sometihings that prove I am. Ok, I am airing my dirty laundry in public. Sorry. But as you can imagine, I am not quite over her. Even after the low and dirty thihngs she has said. Along with the cheating and out and out lies. I'd like to thinkn her change of life and other health issues she faces has done this to the woman I once thought was the most caring, loving and honest woman I ever met. I wish her well, yet at the same time I hate her for what she turned out to be. Not the same person I worshipped and fell in love with. I don't even know the person she is today...sad.
So when you said "weining" me away from her I think yo might be right. Maybe it's the only way she knew I'd go away and forget her...for my own good. Could it be?

(in reply to cynthiamarie)

Post #: 24

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/22/2006 11:19:46 AM

FLsubmalecd

Posts: 143
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne

love...

i guess it depends on what kind of love you are seeking.

many out here if not all want some "version" of love. if you are the kind of person who like me wants the blissful extremely close in each others skin till death do us part love that will be very difficult to find.

Tho every one wants love you will find that due to previous trauma's unhealed wounds, abuse, etc most people out here are damaged goods and are no longer really capable of loving in the described manner if they ever were, and the ones that are capable are very far and few between.

as others have said yoiu really cannot judge a ld relationship to well because its very easy to put on a smiley face for a weekend.

everyone has their own gauge but i have found that if i stayed with someone for a month i got a pretty good idea what was going on, but on the other hand i have known people to paste on a smiley face for years.

together and live in is really the only way to get a good feel for somoene.

Hi realone,

I have to disagree with some of your opinions. First I think the wounds and lost love realtionships of others only strengthens them nad makes them know and appreciate what true love really is. We also tend to get better in recognizing it. I strongly take exception to the term "damaged goods"
I'd rather look upon anyone that has lost a love like I did, someone more aware of what that love is. Call it experience. But damaged? NO!
I am wounded, make no mistake about it. The cure for that wound is simply to trust and love again. I know if I find the right woman, the right Domme, all my wounds will be healed. We all see things differently. I know me. I know what it will take. And I have faith that I can love again and be loved in return.

(in reply to Real0ne)

Post #: 25

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/22/2006 12:38:07 PM

Jeniluscious

Posts: 53
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: Detroit metro
Status: offline

Yes, I'm sure you can find it if you are sufficiently persistent. However, the one mistake I see a lot of searchers make, both dominant and submissive, is insufficient questioning from the very beginning.

I am very careful in performing this step in the process of learning about a new submissive; for me, it's vital. My profile is quite clear about what I'm looking for and that I am not in search of a primary lover or husband. This does not obviate any sort of affection or love at all, but that doesn't seem to compute well. *shrugs*

One needs to KNOW from the beginning that primary AND secondary relationship goals are either similar or at least compatible and able to mesh. There is too little actual discussion of goals and desires that are not sexually motivated. If I've gotten "whatever you wish, Miss" once after asking "What is your primary goal in finding a femdom?", I've gotten it 10,000 times.

It's wearying.

Yes, there should be excitement and spontaneity in a relationship, especially a new one. But that never means you should throw all caution to the winds and not think of what might be. That will be more painful than really jumping off that cliff.

(in reply to FLsubmalecd)

Post #: 26

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/22/2006 2:17:13 PM

LadyThornrose

Posts: 23
Joined: 4/16/2005
Status: offline

I agree with Jeniluscious. I think we are aware of most of the warning signs in the early days of a relationship. I think people expect certain things to change or choose to ignore them. Big mistake.

I bet if most people looked back on a failed relationship, they would recognize that the warning signs were there in the very beginning.

I'm doing my best to be a hopeful rather than a hopeless romantic. Good luck!

_____________________________

Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

(in reply to Jeniluscious)

Post #: 27

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/24/2006 9:47:10 PM

LadyThornrose

Posts: 23
Joined: 4/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cynthiamarie

Take time out to grieve for this relationship that has died first...it takes longer than we think...one step forward and then suddenly and unexpectedly two steps back.

You don't want to be collared by the wrong person when the right one finally enters your life.

This is great advice, CynthiaMarie. It's true of all life, not just relationships.

Blessings,
Lady Thornrose

_____________________________

Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.

(in reply to cynthiamarie)

Post #: 28

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/24/2006 10:04:18 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Finding a guy I actually like and want to spend my time with takes priority over BDSM. I'm divorced from a man who loved me. So I can't say I have a lot of faith in that whole soulmate/ love plan. I'm working on the getting old and not being alone plan. Not that I'd settle for a guy I didn't want, just that I'm not wasting my time waiting for Mr. Perfect or "the one". Also, a twisted sense of humour is worth a lot more than a tight butt.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to LadyThornrose)

Post #: 29

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/25/2006 5:58:34 AM

LaDee

Posts: 67
Joined: 10/22/2005
From: VA
Status: offline

you have too be patient! My pet found Me and it started out as a LDR for several years W/we travelled back and forth met 1/2 way for over 3 years, but a few months back I moved in with him. It is still a work in progress. Yes it takes work too with the D/s relationship with all the day-to-day stuff but I am pleased , and for Me love, loyalty and understanding is a must! I wish you luck. La'Dee

"The one thing You can give away and still keep is Your word."

(in reply to subCDswfl)

Post #: 30

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/25/2006 6:43:18 AM

greneyedjewel

Posts: 64
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline

As one who has recently been on the losing end of a supposedly "honest trainer/mentor" type of relationship, stay strong and stick to your decision of saying no. Your strength will guide you through this, especially when you long for him, which is a haunting feeling that doesn't fade quickly.

_____________________________

"Boil thou first i' the charmed pot! For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. "

(in reply to LaDee)

Post #: 31

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/26/2006 9:05:06 AM

cbts4gd

Posts: 16
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

Ms aakasha, i could not have said it better myself. I hope my search does someday pan out.

hugs.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 32

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/26/2006 10:40:29 AM

KinkyMichelle

Posts: 3
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

Well put AAkasha...

I ideally want a relationship with a strong D/s component and it is really hard to find

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 33

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 3/26/2006 6:44:30 PM

SterlingSunLight

Posts: 21
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline

It is possible. I'm in a LD LTR. We've been together for close to a year and a half now. In that time we've seen eachother three times. We started off vanilla and eventually discovered that we were both into BDSM and happened to fit perfectly together. I'm so very blessed to have him in my life. We're planning to make a home together this coming fall. It is so hard to stay connected, though. We spend close to two hours a day talking, write letters, and IM. It is very possible and it hit me when I least expected it. I'm a very lucky woman!

-Sterling

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 34

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 4/17/2006 4:03:59 AM

LoneGoddess

Posts: 73
Joined: 1/1/2005
From: Moscow, Idaho
Status: offline

I've only come close to having that once, and it still hurts to discuss it. So I'll refrain. Problem I've found in my search is keeping it real, not that I had a problem being real, but the man in didn't view me as a woman, only a fantasy.

The odds are slim, sadly or so it would appear. I do know there are dominant ladies out there who seek it. I am one. But those of us who seek the same thing don't always match up in other ways. It's a frustrating hunt in a haystack.

But being that I am that ever hopeful romantic type, he'll come along someday... my own "Mr. Right Submissive" has to exist, I do.

(in reply to SterlingSunLight)

Post #: 35

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 4/17/2006 7:50:14 AM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux

I'm not a Domme, but I think this quote has some bearing on the question:

Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.

Carl Jung, "On the Psychology of the Unconscious", 1917
Swiss psychologist (1875 - 1961)

I"m not sure if I know enough to agree or disagree, but I tend to take Jung pretty seriously.

I too have read and admire Jung. Although not a Jungian I agree with much of his works, HOWEVER do keep in mind that his intention is the consensus… collectively speaking. The tools we use as individuals to express ourselves and discover love is a process/journey.

When I look at the universe and all of its people ideally I would love nothing more to see love, peace and harmony, however in this here and now we both know in order to have polarity we need light/dark, positive/negative, good/evil, etc. the movement/dance of the universe. We are given the choice/free will to decide and learn what is right & what is wrong. Still isn’t it odd that even then we still don’t agree? There truly are no rules, in a sense. Only the perception we have.

My idea of love and yours could be grossly different. In my world the ultimate expression of love is one who becomes powerless to me, BY CHOICE, begs, grovels and pleads for my love & will do anything to please me. I guess the real question would be who truly does hold the power? That is something that remains unanswerable.

_____________________________

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 36

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 4/17/2006 11:49:18 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I certainly hope it is possible to have a loving D's relationship. However, if its not for me in this life I will survive quite nicely in my little farm on the hill with all my furry four legged babies. I must admit it sure would be nice to have someone to share it with.......

(in reply to DiannaVesta)

Post #: 37

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 4/17/2006 4:47:43 PM

FLsubmalecd

Posts: 143
Status: offline

I want to thank everyone that responded to this thread. I also want to point out that when I first joined this great site I was not sure that my ID was accepted. So, I made another, then another. Confused the heck out of me! lol So FLsubmalecd is in fact one and the same as me. I had deleted that profile once I figured out that I had inadvertenly made three! duh!

_____________________________

"Don't make someone a priority in your life, When you're only an option in theirs"

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 38

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 4/17/2006 7:16:28 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subCDswfl
Very serious question for all Dommes...Are You in or looking for a love relationship that includes D/s? or are most of You desiring to stay single

I am very much seeking a loving D/s relationship with lasting potential... Until I find exactly that however, I am comfortable and happy as a single lady.

quote:

that is what ithought I had until very recently. She ended up breaking my heart like it has never been broken before. Long story, but it was a long distance relationship that lasted over 3 years. Only saw each other twice in all that time

I'm sorry your heart was broken, but I wonder who among us can sustain much of a loving/intimate bond when we only see the other person twice in 3 years. I definitely cannot. I'm not of the "distance makes the heart grow fonder ilk", I'm more of "the garden needs t be tended to consistently and frequently in order to grow and flourish ilk." And now that I'm done with sounding corny, I'll say that you had an impossible situation there, and perhaps your heart needs to find someone you can see more frequently than every 18months before falling in love again.

quote:

Since we could never be together full time, maybe it is for the best. But that is another long story

This I suspect was the biggest issue you ran into, rather than the distance thing, and whatever snapped her out of it.

quote:

i need love along wiht my total submission to jus one deserving Woman. What's my odds of ever finding Her?

I'd say your odds are excellent if you are a gentleman who respects women, knows himself/his needs, and indeed is submissive.
Good luck, M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to subCDswfl)

Post #: 39

RE: Loving D/s relationship? What's the odds? - 4/18/2006 9:55:28 AM

FLsubmalecd

Posts: 143
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: subCDswfl
Very serious question for all Dommes...Are You in or looking for a love relationship that includes D/s? or are most of You desiring to stay single
I am very much seeking a loving D/s relationship with lasting potential... Until I find exactly that however, I am comfortable and happy as a single lady.

quote:

that is what ithought I had until very recently. She ended up breaking my heart like it has never been broken before. Long story, but it was a long distance relationship that lasted over 3 years. Only saw each other twice in all that time
I'm sorry your heart was broken, but I wonder who among us can sustain much of a loving/intimate bond when we only see the other person twice in 3 years. I definitely cannot. I'm not of the "distance makes the heart grow fonder ilk", I'm more of "the garden needs t be tended to consistently and frequently in order to grow and flourish ilk." And now that I'm done with sounding corny, I'll say that you had an impossible situation there, and perhaps your heart needs to find someone you can see more frequently than every 18months before falling in love again.

quote:

Since we could never be together full time, maybe it is for the best. But that is another long story
This I suspect was the biggest issue you ran into, rather than the distance thing, and whatever snapped her out of it.

quote:

i need love along wiht my total submission to jus one deserving Woman. What's my odds of ever finding Her?
I'd say your odds are excellent if you are a gentleman who respects women, knows himself/his needs, and indeed is submissive.
Good luck, M

Thank You M. I honestly feel I know what I want and more importantly, what I need. Number one on that list is to be LOVED and to LOVE Her in return, Second is for Her and Is to discover the style of our own unique D/s relationship where we both will be happy. To me love is about an honest open D/s relationship and D/s is all about unconditioanl love between us. I sure hope we find each other soon....sigh
Unlike You Ma'am, I am not comfortable as a single man. Frankly I hate it. I have that need to be wanted and loved and to return that ten fold. I have many friends, I go out all the time. But there is nothing like coming home to someone that I can worship and her glad to see my face. Coming home to an empty house is like a prison to me.

_____________________________

"Don't make someone a priority in your life, When you're only an option in theirs"

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 40

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