quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Of course. tough love is the favored form of advice here..:)

Jeff

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

What Drifa said above isn't anything I can argue with.  Yes, in a pre-existing relationship where two people love each other, I would hope that the partners would at least try what interests the other, at least on some small scale.  By all means, make the attempt.  But if you've tried and it doesn't feel good to you, if you feel wrong inside about what you are doing, at some point, the other party has to respect that.  We'd be up in arms around here if the person on the other side of the kneel or the whip said they wanted to pull the kinky or the authority dynamic off of the table.  Why is it so hard to give the same consideration to the non kinky folks?

In discussing areas of incompatibility, we have to look at the wants of both participants.  Being the kinky folks that we are, we're more inclined to more easily understand the position of the kinkier one of the two.  That part speaks to us because we enjoy some of the similar things that someone out there wants and might not be getting.  Lots of us out there know what that's like and can easily sympathize.  Sometimes, we just forget to sympathize with the person, the non kinky one, that isn't like us.

quote:

Is it representing gender bias? "Act like a man!"; has been said with some seriousness behind the poke. While acting like a 'man' has been deliberately repressed in society from childhood since the late 60's, is the 'lifestyle' a place to go in the hope of bucking that trend

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

[quote
It also has a lot to do with ideas like "if you were a real man you could please a woman" whereas women don't have that same pressure to sexually please a man. Well we didn't...we're starting to get it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Roselaure

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

[quote
It also has a lot to do with ideas like "if you were a real man you could please a woman" whereas women don't have that same pressure to sexually please a man. Well we didn't...we're starting to get it.

I don't think that's true. Women have blamed the wife for the husband cheating for centuries with phrases like, "If she was keeping him happy in the bedroom he wouldn't have strayed."

As to the point of the OP, it all comes back to compatibility.  Choose carefully and wisely and nobody has to get broken.

quote:

I get the sense that there is a strong expectation that Dominants, especially male dominants, be something other than human beings. That we can neither have flaws, nor anxieties, nor buttons to push, or any other human fraility. And that single male dominants are supposed to be somehow magically invulnerable to basic human needs and anxieties.

Like I'm lonely. I've been alone for a long time, and even when I was in relationships I felt lonely. That doesn't make me less dominant, it just makes me a human being. And I want to not feel lonely very badly. The longing is intense and consuming, and it's hard to put myself out there without feeling, and thus seeming, a little bit desperate. Because I am a little bit desperate, I do have fears that I'll always be alone and that my relationships with others will always feel empty and false because of what I hold back.

But again, that doesn't make me any less dominant, it just makes me a human being facing an uncertain future and confronted with the reality that his happiness is not entirely in his own control. (Dammit. Someone REALLY needs to open Subs-R-Us).

In my first few weeks here I've felt very attacked, mostly by people who hold all the power in the form of well-established social connections and relationships. I've not only felt as if I were being domineered (which I do not react well too), but I've had people telling me what I think, what I should think, what's wrong with me, and who I should be...yet none of the people who are telling me these things give any indication that they are nearly as superhuman as they expect me to be. So yeah, that's a bit hypocritical and like most human beings, I find it frustrating.

I feel like if I have an even vaguely human reaction to this pressure being aimed at me that I will be forever labeled a "horny net geek" or "fake dom" or far, far worse before I've even had a chance to really figure it out for myself. Which only makes me more anxious and more tense. I'm loathe to let other people tell me when I'm ready or if I'm for real, since I get the sense that to meet these people's qualifications I would have to be replaced by a robot, some sort of animatronic.

I don't know. I think people here are too eager to demand that any dominant be some sort off Platonic Ideal Dominant, and not willing to accept dominants as real people.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet


The first part I agree with. The second part, not so much. Compatability is HUGE. There is no doubt about that, but people are not static, nor are their environments, life circumstances, etc. A good partner for a relationship is one who can adapt alongside you over the long haul. Further, I want core elements to be compatible, but I certainly don't want a carbon copy of myself. I expect and even welcome incompatability in a wide array of areas. I share more compatible area with both my husband and my partner now that I did at the beginning of those relationships. The core grows over time. It is a process of truly loving and accepting each other unconditionally. No matter what the lipservice is, the early days of love is full of conditions, exceptions, and strings. Proven durability cancels the need for those conditions and exceptions. Trust cuts the strings.

lovingpet

quote:

and he learns to take from me in a beneficial way that is nourishing to us both. Still it is pretty simple and the exchange isn't requiring anything outside the couple's already exisiting assets.

As our baby grows, or our relationship, it takes more and more from outside ourselves that we have to be willing to bring in than we can provide amply on our own to sustain and, more importantly, grow. This is especially true when it comes to working through a crisis or deal with a long term issue. Just as baby now needs cereal and fruits and veggies, maybe even meat, the relationship needs more skills, talents, and interests to ke

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: Roselaure

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

[quote
It also has a lot to do with ideas like "if you were a real man you could please a woman" whereas women don't have that same pressure to sexually please a man. Well we didn't...we're starting to get it.

I don't think that's true. Women have blamed the wife for the husband cheating for centuries with phrases like, "If she was keeping him happy in the bedroom he wouldn't have strayed."

As to the point of the OP, it all comes back to compatibility.  Choose carefully and wisely and nobody has to get broken.

The first part I agree with. The second part, not so much. Compatability is HUGE. There is no doubt about that, but people are not static, nor are their environments, life circumstances, etc. A good partner for a relationship is one who can adapt alongside you over the long haul. Further, I want core elements to be compatible, but I certainly don't want a carbon copy of myself. I expect and even welcome incompatability in a wide array of areas. I share more compatible area with both my husband and my partner now that I did at the beginning of those relationships. The core grows over time. It is a process of truly loving and accepting each other unconditionally. No matter what the lipservice is, the early days of love is full of conditions, exceptions, and strings. Proven durability cancels the need for those conditions and exceptions. Trust cuts the strings.

lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: Roselaure

quote:

and he learns to take from me in a beneficial way that is nourishing to us both. Still it is pretty simple and the exchange isn't requiring anything outside the couple's already exisiting assets.

As our baby grows, or our relationship, it takes more and more from outside ourselves that we have to be willing to bring in than we can provide amply on our own to sustain and, more importantly, grow. This is especially true when it comes to working through a crisis or deal with a long term issue. Just as baby now needs cereal and fruits and veggies, maybe even meat, the relationship needs more skills, talents, and interests to ke

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: Roselaure

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

[quote
It also has a lot to do with ideas like "if you were a real man you could please a woman" whereas women don't have that same pressure to sexually please a man. Well we didn't...we're starting to get it.

I don't think that's true. Women have blamed the wife for the husband cheating for centuries with phrases like, "If she was keeping him happy in the bedroom he wouldn't have strayed."

As to the point of the OP, it all comes back to compatibility.  Choose carefully and wisely and nobody has to get broken.

The first part I agree with. The second part, not so much. Compatability is HUGE. There is no doubt about that, but people are not static, nor are their environments, life circumstances, etc. A good partner for a relationship is one who can adapt alongside you over the long haul. Further, I want core elements to be compatible, but I certainly don't want a carbon copy of myself. I expect and even welcome incompatability in a wide array of areas. I share more compatible area with both my husband and my partner now that I did at the beginning of those relationships. The core grows over time. It is a process of truly loving and accepting each other unconditionally. No matter what the lipservice is, the early days of love is full of conditions, exceptions, and strings. Proven durability cancels the need for those conditions and exceptions. Trust cuts the strings.

lovingpet

I don't disagree with any of that.  To be compatible, by my definition does not mean two people are a carbon copy of each other, how boring would that be?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Psychonaut23

I get the sense that there is a strong expectation that Dominants, especially male dominants, be something other than human beings.  That we can neither have flaws, nor anxieties, nor buttons to push, or any other human fraility.  And that single male dominants are supposed to be somehow magically invulnerable to basic human needs and anxieties.

quote:

But again, that doesn't make me any less dominant, it just makes me a human being facing an uncertain future and confronted with the reality that his happiness is not entirely in his own control.

quote:

In my first few weeks here I've felt very attacked, mostly by people who hold all the power in the form of well-established social connections and relationships.

quote:

I've not only felt as if I were being domineered (which I do not react well too),

quote:

but I've had people telling me what I think, what I should think, what's wrong with me, and who I should be...yet none of the people who are telling me these things give any indication that they are nearly as superhuman as they expect me to be.  So yeah, that's a bit hypocritical and like most human beings, I find it frustrating.

quote:

I feel like if I have an even vaguely human reaction to this pressure being aimed at me that I will be forever labeled a "horny net geek" or "fake dom" or far, far worse before I've even had a chance to really figure it out for myself.  Which only makes me more anxious and more tense.  I'm loathe to let other people tell me when I'm ready or if I'm for real, since I get the sense that to meet these people's qualifications I would have to be replaced by a robot, some sort of animatronic.

quote:

I don't know.  I think people here are too eager to demand that any dominant be some sort off Platonic Ideal Dominant, and not willing to accept dominants as real people.

quote:

I get the sense that there is a strong expectation that Dominants, especially male dominants, be something other than human beings. That we can neither have flaws, nor anxieties, nor buttons to push, or any other human fraility. And that single male dominants are supposed to be somehow magically invulnerable to basic human needs and anxieties.

Like I'm lonely. I've been alone for a long time, and even when I was in relationships I felt lonely. That doesn't make me less dominant, it just makes me a human being. And I want to not feel lonely very badly. The longing is intense and consuming, and it's hard to put myself out there without feeling, and thus seeming, a little bit desperate. Because I am a little bit desperate, I do have fears that I'll always be alone and that my relationships with others will always feel empty and false because of what I hold back.

But again, that doesn't make me any less dominant, it just makes me a human being facing an uncertain future and confronted with the reality that his happiness is not entirely in his own control. (Dammit. Someone REALLY needs to open Subs-R-Us).

In my first few weeks here I've felt very attacked, mostly by people who hold all the power in the form of well-established social connections and relationships. I've not only felt as if I were being domineered (which I do not react well too), but I've had people telling me what I think, what I should think, what's wrong with me, and who I should be...yet none of the people who are telling me these things give any indication that they are nearly as superhuman as they expect me to be. So yeah, that's a bit hypocritical and like most human beings, I find it frustrating.

I feel like if I have an even vaguely human reaction to this pressure being aimed at me that I will be forever labeled a "horny net geek" or "fake dom" or far, far worse before I've even had a chance to really figure it out for myself. Which only makes me more anxious and more tense. I'm loathe to let other people tell me when I'm ready or if I'm for real, since I get the sense that to meet these people's qualifications I would have to be replaced by a robot, some sort of animatronic.

I don't know. I think people here are too eager to demand that any dominant be some sort off Platonic Ideal Dominant, and not willing to accept dominants as real people.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Psychonaut23

The ability of a very small but dedicated group of people to instigate and wage a smear campaign is actually really phenomenal, but intensely disturbing to be on the recieving end of.