quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

he has the right to do to/with you whatever he wants as long as you stay and consent

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

It had to happen sooner or later. I just had hoped it would be a little more black and white. I did something that has extracted his reluctant need to punish me. I figured it would be something more along the lines of stomping my foot and telling no and refusing to obey a straightforward order. Maybe even doing what I did, but in a more up yours I will do as I please attitude. Instead, it is a mired mess and, though I know what I did was wrong and deserve whatever is coming and even know that whether either is so, he will do as he pleases, I can't help but see the whole thing as just a diabocle (sp?) of untold proportions.

What I did isn't important here. It is why and under what conditions. Basically, I lost my ever loving mind. I am kidding...a little. We are engaged in something that will take multiple attempts to complete successfully and there is a time lapse to wonder about it as well. It has become an emotionally charged thing for me that we succeed. I can't do anything that will make it successful, nor really can he beyond what we are already doing. I had come to think of success as what would finally dispell any doubts he has about me, my motives, my integrity, and my willingness to travel the path he has placed before us. I was damn sure we had made it this time. We hadn't. Add to this the stress of the holidays and a situation at home that had potential to be completely devestating, and I just lost it. My first impulse after just bawling my eyes out was to pick myself up and call him. No answer. I sent him messages on all his online stuff. Nothing. For three days. On the fourth day, I cracked and that's when IT happened.

He was not as sure we had succeeded and had told me repeatedly to not get too attached to the idea. He told me when I finally fessed up and fell apart the other night that all my fears and such that I had tied to our success just were not so. He couldn't be any more sure of me or us or what our future would be. If I had paused for a few minutes I would have realized that he ALWAYS leaves his phone off on his days off unless he wants to work overtime because it is his work phone and they WILL call him in every one of his days off if he allows it to happen. His computer had crashed and he had to replace it before he ever got a single one of my messages. As far as the communication thing, we had talked through all that the very first day he was back in touch, but I didn't know how to tell him what I had done. It took a week for me to finally admit to it all.

He would have never suspected or even known of this incident. He wasn't suspicious that I was keeping something from him. There was nothing to indicate anything had happened. I could have just kept my mouth shut and forgotten about it. I couldn't though. Had I just done what I did and nothing further had come of it past the obvious temporary repercussions, to be honest, I might not have mentioned it at all. The consequences toll, however, continues to rise. He wanted to comfort me through those consequences and that didn't feel right to me. I had to bring it to him.

There's no question here really I guess. I just wonder about the whole mucked up mess. Would a "temporary insanity" sway other dominants to reconsider punishment? Does absence of that dominant presence during significant crisis and vulnerabilty excuse anything? What if that absence was out of the dominant's hands? Does coming clean count for anything? How can we keep from something like this happening again? I never wanted any of this to happen and neither did he. I just want to do better.

lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

It had to happen sooner or later. I just had hoped it would be a little more black and white. I did something that has extracted his reluctant need to punish me. I figured it would be something more along the lines of stomping my foot and telling no and refusing to obey a straightforward order. Maybe even doing what I did, but in a more up yours I will do as I please attitude. Instead, it is a mired mess and, though I know what I did was wrong and deserve whatever is coming and even know that whether either is so, he will do as he pleases, I can't help but see the whole thing as just a diabocle (sp?) of untold proportions.

What I did isn't important here. It is why and under what conditions. Basically, I lost my ever loving mind. I am kidding...a little. We are engaged in something that will take multiple attempts to complete successfully and there is a time lapse to wonder about it as well. It has become an emotionally charged thing for me that we succeed. I can't do anything that will make it successful, nor really can he beyond what we are already doing. I had come to think of success as what would finally dispell any doubts he has about me, my motives, my integrity, and my willingness to travel the path he has placed before us. I was damn sure we had made it this time. We hadn't. Add to this the stress of the holidays and a situation at home that had potential to be completely devestating, and I just lost it. My first impulse after just bawling my eyes out was to pick myself up and call him. No answer. I sent him messages on all his online stuff. Nothing. For three days. On the fourth day, I cracked and that's when IT happened.

He was not as sure we had succeeded and had told me repeatedly to not get too attached to the idea. He told me when I finally fessed up and fell apart the other night that all my fears and such that I had tied to our success just were not so. He couldn't be any more sure of me or us or what our future would be. If I had paused for a few minutes I would have realized that he ALWAYS leaves his phone off on his days off unless he wants to work overtime because it is his work phone and they WILL call him in every one of his days off if he allows it to happen. His computer had crashed and he had to replace it before he ever got a single one of my messages. As far as the communication thing, we had talked through all that the very first day he was back in touch, but I didn't know how to tell him what I had done. It took a week for me to finally admit to it all.

He would have never suspected or even known of this incident. He wasn't suspicious that I was keeping something from him. There was nothing to indicate anything had happened. I could have just kept my mouth shut and forgotten about it. I couldn't though. Had I just done what I did and nothing further had come of it past the obvious temporary repercussions, to be honest, I might not have mentioned it at all. The consequences toll, however, continues to rise. He wanted to comfort me through those consequences and that didn't feel right to me. I had to bring it to him.

There's no question here really I guess. I just wonder about the whole mucked up mess. Would a "temporary insanity" sway other dominants to reconsider punishment? Does absence of that dominant presence during significant crisis and vulnerabilty excuse anything? What if that absence was out of the dominant's hands? Does coming clean count for anything? How can we keep from something like this happening again? I never wanted any of this to happen and neither did he. I just want to do better.

lovingpet

[8|]

*speechless*

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

[sm=hearts.gif]

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

It had to happen sooner or later. I just had hoped it would be a little more black and white. I did something that has extracted his reluctant need to punish me. I figured it would be something more along the lines of stomping my foot and telling no and refusing to obey a straightforward order. Maybe even doing what I did, but in a more up yours I will do as I please attitude. Instead, it is a mired mess and, though I know what I did was wrong and deserve whatever is coming and even know that whether either is so, he will do as he pleases, I can't help but see the whole thing as just a diabocle (sp?) of untold proportions.

What I did isn't important here. It is why and under what conditions. Basically, I lost my ever loving mind. I am kidding...a little. We are engaged in something that will take multiple attempts to complete successfully and there is a time lapse to wonder about it as well. It has become an emotionally charged thing for me that we succeed. I can't do anything that will make it successful, nor really can he beyond what we are already doing. I had come to think of success as what would finally dispell any doubts he has about me, my motives, my integrity, and my willingness to travel the path he has placed before us. I was damn sure we had made it this time. We hadn't. Add to this the stress of the holidays and a situation at home that had potential to be completely devestating, and I just lost it. My first impulse after just bawling my eyes out was to pick myself up and call him. No answer. I sent him messages on all his online stuff. Nothing. For three days. On the fourth day, I cracked and that's when IT happened.

He was not as sure we had succeeded and had told me repeatedly to not get too attached to the idea. He told me when I finally fessed up and fell apart the other night that all my fears and such that I had tied to our success just were not so. He couldn't be any more sure of me or us or what our future would be. If I had paused for a few minutes I would have realized that he ALWAYS leaves his phone off on his days off unless he wants to work overtime because it is his work phone and they WILL call him in every one of his days off if he allows it to happen. His computer had crashed and he had to replace it before he ever got a single one of my messages. As far as the communication thing, we had talked through all that the very first day he was back in touch, but I didn't know how to tell him what I had done. It took a week for me to finally admit to it all.

He would have never suspected or even known of this incident. He wasn't suspicious that I was keeping something from him. There was nothing to indicate anything had happened. I could have just kept my mouth shut and forgotten about it. I couldn't though. Had I just done what I did and nothing further had come of it past the obvious temporary repercussions, to be honest, I might not have mentioned it at all. The consequences toll, however, continues to rise. He wanted to comfort me through those consequences and that didn't feel right to me. I had to bring it to him.

There's no question here really I guess. I just wonder about the whole mucked up mess. Would a "temporary insanity" sway other dominants to reconsider punishment? Does absence of that dominant presence during significant crisis and vulnerabilty excuse anything? What if that absence was out of the dominant's hands? Does coming clean count for anything? How can we keep from something like this happening again? I never wanted any of this to happen and neither did he. I just want to do better.

lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
I am more interested in whether a submissive's state of mind and life circumstances weigh into the determination of both guilt and type/intensity of punishment rendered.

In answer to this sentence...

Punishment isn't a big part of our relationship. There are negative consequences for our behaviors/actions, but the consequences are not to punish but to correct the behavior. From that perspective, when he imposes consequences for our behavior he takes into account all the information that he has at the time. He chooses the consequence that he thinks will get him the result that he desires.

The behavior that is undesired by him will be changed, but he will take into account the entire situation to find the most efficient method of changing it.

Knight's Kyra

I don't even know if "punishment" is the right for it, but it is definitely consequences for my behavior that will result in a change for the better. My partner is much like you described. He will assess everything and determine how best to handle it. There are personal things to talk about in my post, but also the general (ie: how one dominant or another does things in their relationships). Those questions were aimed for that information. The rest is really just folks who care poking around to see if they can find and fix what hurts. I am appreciating both.

lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
I am more interested in whether a submissive's state of mind and life circumstances weigh into the determination of both guilt and type/intensity of punishment rendered.

In answer to this sentence...

Punishment isn't a big part of our relationship. There are negative consequences for our behaviors/actions, but the consequences are not to punish but to correct the behavior. From that perspective, when he imposes consequences for our behavior he takes into account all the information that he has at the time. He chooses the consequence that he thinks will get him the result that he desires.

The behavior that is undesired by him will be changed, but he will take into account the entire situation to find the most efficient method of changing it.

Knight's Kyra

I don't even know if "punishment" is the right for it, but it is definitely consequences for my behavior that will result in a change for the better. My partner is much like you described. He will assess everything and determine how best to handle it. There are personal things to talk about in my post, but also the general (ie: how one dominant or another does things in their relationships). Those questions were aimed for that information. The rest is really just folks who care poking around to see if they can find and fix what hurts. I am appreciating both.

lovingpet

I will add that sometimes the consequence is me teaching or clarifying what I want. I Know it amazes people.. but sometimes I goof up and don't clearly communicate what I want... and well the girls give me exactly what I communicated but not what I wanted!

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming


[8|]

*speechless*

In all seriousness, then why post?

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming


[8|]

*speechless*

In all seriousness, then why post?

ROFL! You stole the words right out of my mouth.

I strongly second the idea of the personal phone. Sure, he's your master, and for you, his word is law, but that doesn't mean he's omincisent and can predict the outcome of every action and decision her makes. To me, the outsider, quite frankly it's dumb as hell not to have a personal phone so my submissive can contact me in an emergency. There's so much unpredictibility in life. Things you would never ever expect to happen sometimes happen. And being available to help handle such things can sometimes mean the difference between a disasterous outcome and a safe one. I don't think that was the case here, although you did experience considerable personal distress. I do think such a case could come up, however, and that your dominant is tempting fate by not having a plan in place to handle it if it does. Yes, you'll be merging households soon (congrats on that by the way! That must be exciting. :) ), but until then, if I were the dom, I'd err on the side of caution and get that second phone (you can buy very cheap, disposable phones these days) to get us safely through the period before that happy event occurs.

It's a horrible feeling to think that your dominant's ultimate approval/acceptance of you rides on a single act or even a single (however long it takes) endeavor. I'm glad he disuaded you from that idea. It's kind of like trusting your entire life to a roll of the dice. It's one of those ideas that has a tendency to recur every so often (in new, modern colors!), so watch out for it. :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

My only comment is peripheral in nature but I think it should be addressed. If a situation arose where someone is going to be entirely out of contact for several days such as this - only phone is a work cell that is intentionally shut off and pc has crashed so no internet contact - I think a little extra effort to let you know might have been in order. How big of a deal would it have been to turn on the cell and call you and let you know what was up and then turn the cell back off or go to a public phone and make the call if turning on the cell was an absolute non possibility? Could have saved a fair amount of trauma and grief. Behavior like this would trouble me. I expect more from the people I am involved with.