RE: History Speaks Today's English (Full Version)

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cuckoldmepls -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (1/16/2010 1:13:19 PM)

Caveman son  -  But dad, I don't want to work in the woolly mammoth skinning shop. I'm an inventor. Look at this. I cut a 3 inch slice off the stump of a tree and connected it to a barrel. I call it the wheebarrel, since all my friends go whee while pushing them down the hill. It's actually for moving dirt around

Caveman father  -  Son, no one is ever going to need to move dirt around and certainly not by using a tree stump. Hell, dirt is everywhere, why would people move it from one place to another? That doesn't even make sense. Unless you invent a way to light the cave without mammoth oil, and I know that's impossible, you're coming with me tomorrow.



cuckoldmepls -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (1/16/2010 4:32:59 PM)

I always wondered how the wheel was invented, and how it got it's name. Now we know. It also explains why it took another 10,000 years to get the lightbulb.



Egillandpet -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (1/18/2010 8:39:38 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cuckoldmepls

Vikings - No!!! It's rape, pillage, then burn. It sucks when you get it backwards.



Actually it goes like this:

Remember it's rape, pillage, THEN burn and for Thor's sake get it right this time.


Master is half Norse and that hangs on his dad's wall! lol



cuckoldmepls -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (1/20/2010 8:16:44 AM)

Neville Chamberlain -  I hold in my hand, peace in our time.
Neville Chamberlain's advisor -  See, I told you every one has a price, you just have to figure out what it is.

Almost a year later the bombs begin to drop.

Neville Chamberlain's Advisor -  Give me that damn treaty, I'm going to need some toilet paper on the voyage to America.

Within 10 years he becomes the head of the democratic party in America under an assumed name.




cuckoldmepls -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (1/22/2010 12:40:02 PM)

Amelia Earhart - Damn't Fred, you said it would only take 5 minutes. Now, we're F@#!$% off course. That's the last time I let your hard dick talk me into anything.

On the Desert Island

Amelia Earhart - Well I guess you won't be screwing around on me any more? I'll bet after a few weeks, I'll look so good to you that you'll want to do it missionary style, huh?



rockspider -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (1/23/2010 8:14:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cuckoldmepls

Well I guess that explains why the Vikings never got credit for discovering the New World.

Well might be my forefathers didn't really think it was much to write home about[:D]
And my name is Thor and one of my forefathers was Skjalm Hvide (King of Denmark but driven of his trone by his cousin and set up as a pirate in southern Denmark)[sm=club.gif]



Termyn8or -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (1/23/2010 11:07:46 AM)

I consider this an intensive study of prehistory. Shortly I will share some of my secret knowledge.

From the scrolls of Somedudeinacave found in bumfuct Lebanon somewhere or something is a story.

All was well in the kingdom, but the cats were not happy. Their goodies were disappearing. One day one of the cats found out why, the mice were stealing the goodies. Being cats they were not going to take this laying down, so an offensive was launched and much blood was shed. It was a terrible war, dwarfing all Man made wars in compare. Brutal and ugly beyond human imagination. Makes WW2 look like a baseball game.

Emotions ran high no doubt, and their mutual disdain for the other was incorporated somehow into their being, proving the theory of Someidiotinabasement in bumfuct somewhere. To this day you can't put a cat and a mouse in the same room and expect both to come out alive. The cat will always tear the mouse open looking for those missing goodies. I guess this guy had it all over Darwin, because some people question the Darwinian theory.

Perhaps the answers to the questions of the future lie in the past. Excuse me while I get into my bathosphere and head over to bumfuct desert land somewher to find more scrolls. If I find one explaining the problems that cats and dogs have with one another, I could achieve world peace. Be back in a jiffy.

BTW, iksnay on the ollsscray. Just because I put this out on the internet does not mean that humanity is eady for this divine knowledge.

T



cuckoldmepls -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (1/25/2010 8:43:04 AM)

CIA advisor to JFK - But Mr. President, without air power the Cuban Invasion will have little chance for success.

JFK - Listen up Einstein, I'm the President, you're the advisor. If I want your opinion I'll tell you what it is. I want this to be a surprise invasion. How can it be a surprise invasion when we have planes preparing the battlefield in advance? If Hitler hadn't demanded his beauty sleep, we would all be speaking German now thanks to preparing the battlefield. You must have shit for brains. If I did what you wanted and it failed, I would have half the country wanting to blow my brains out.







cuckoldmepls -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (1/30/2010 1:23:00 PM)

Spanish Armada Commander to Intelligence Officer-  Hell, I thought you said they had 5 ships in their entire fleet.

Intelligence Officer -  No, I said they had 5 fleets with 100 ships. Damn't I told you to clean your ears out.

and that my friends is how the Spanish Armada was defeated.



cuckoldmepls -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/3/2010 8:34:12 AM)

Indian leader - We've got some prime real estate available for you to buy for that chest of jewelry you brought with you. We call it Manhattan.

Leader of Lost Colony of Roanoke - No, I think we would like something a little further south so we could grow crops all year long, and not freeze our asses off.

Indians - Well my cousin down south has plenty of land for sale and it's warm year around. We call it Mexico. He says they are always looking for new people who are willing to sacrifice so they can get a head.

and that my friends is what happened to the Lost Colony of Roanoke. In case you forgot, Mayans liked to sacrifice people.



cuckoldmepls -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/7/2010 7:36:17 AM)

General Custer -  Albert, did you by any chance take the wrong wagon loaded with guns, instead of those cheap bows that break, to trade with the indians for peace??? These d@#! indians have guns suspiciously similar to ours.

Colonel -  Well I might have. To be honest, I got more than halfway there, and realized I had the wrong wagon. I figured they would ambush me on the way back anyway, so I went ahead and traded them for a wagon full of smokes (marijuana). The men sure thought it was a good trade.

As the last man falls, the Indian Chief spares the Colonel's life for what he has done for them. The Colonel retires as a general, moves to Oklahoma, and impregnates his slave which is Obama's grandmother (look it up).

and that my friends explains why Obama refuses to board a North Korean ship possibly containing nuclear weapons, much less do anything about Iran. Truth is stranger than History.



Arpig -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/7/2010 9:37:50 PM)

All it explains is why you should seek professional help



cuckoldmepls -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/10/2010 8:09:25 AM)

Richard Nixon -  D@$#!, I told you to hire some of the mexican housekeeping staff at the Hotel so they could at least pretend they were cleaning the rooms.

and you thought Nixon was a crook didn't you? Actually, he just wanted to help the poor and downtrodden with a little bonus money. It was his incompetent staff who wanted to hire greedy, I'll tell you everything you want to know Americans. Funny how Obama receives Credit for replacing Americans with people who need jobs worse than we do, but Nixon had to resign in disgrace. This does howver remind me of this little email.

Undocumented House Guests
To the Editor,

I don't understand why the White House is so upset about the two party crashers at Barack Obama's steak dinner the other night. Is it really appropriate and politically correct to call them party crashers just because they trespassed on Mr. Obama? Does that make them criminals? Isn't that discrimination? Shouldn't they be rewarded for such bold and brave behavior? Maybe they were just trying to feed their family?

I would suggest that it's more appropriate to call them "undocumented guests." Just because they weren't officially invited doesn't mean they should be treated like criminals. Maybe they should get free health care, free housing, free legal services and free White House green cards so the next time they can enter legally. And they should be able to bring all of their relatives and family members too.

How can Mr Obama be mad at them just because they crossed over some arbitrary man-made border? They were there only to do the things that regularly invited guests didn't want to do (Like hang out with Joe Biden.) How can the White House punish these poor oppressed, undocumented visitors?"

http://babelishere.webs.com/aware.html




cuckoldmepls -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/13/2010 7:51:46 AM)

British Executioner - Any Last Requests?

Nathan Hale -  Yea, paint my face black and call Johnny Cochran for me!!!



Lucylastic -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/13/2010 8:06:51 AM)

how nice you have your own priivate space here...congrats...
however, you really need to hunt down another sense of humour, yours is dead and stinking up the place.



winterlight -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/13/2010 8:27:36 AM)

This is still going?

shakes her head..

lol Arpig...

P.S. Love The Governator sign



stella41b -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/13/2010 8:59:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cuckoldmepls

Finally, someone who can contribute to history's archives more accurately than PBS. As I believe Foghorn Leghorn said to the Chicken Hawk. "You're over thinking it my boy." We aren't going in any certain historical order, which should free up your schizoprenic mind in your psychedelic world. I believe they call that artistic freedom or insanity, whichever you prefer.


And your point is?



Phoenixpower -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/13/2010 11:51:56 AM)

and I always thought domiguy, osf and the donkeyman create the worst threads...so congratulations, yours is worse by far...

I did not manage to read more than the very first line as quite frankly, already your avatar puts me off reading it as that blinking just irritates in addition to your rumble.

So congratulations to your own space on CM [:)] I'm out [:'(][:'(][:'(]



wendydarling -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/13/2010 12:05:48 PM)


wow....I LOVE this thread!! OP you are my hero for today. [:)]

On a side note, I can't stop associating the word "OP" with men in black uniforms and AK-47s jumping out of helicopters.



wendydarling -> RE: History Speaks Today's English (2/13/2010 12:07:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

Hold on, I need to get my bearings here. Please clarify, are you talking about the stone age, the pre-zambian age or the early iron age or what ? I know it's confusing but a good refenece point is whether or not Og had invented the wheel yet. If before it was the pre-Chevyonic age. If it was after Og invented the axle for his dandy wheel, it's the post-rolliage stage. If fire hadn't been discovered it was the pre-arsonic stage.

I know this all seems confuddling but the jokester's handbook V32,958 simplifies it quite well. Between poetic license and recognition of general laziness of wit, the whole of the development of mankind is divided into two parts. Over a million fucking years ago and not quite a fucking million years ago. It's somewhere on page 1,440. Subsection C (toward the bottom of the page) also states that the word "fucking" can be omitted for family based publications. Subsequent versions may have deleted that license though, so please check with a local competent librarian for the latest rules and techniques.

The jokster's history giude does say that Og slew a mammoth with his first axle and the leader was pissed. He said "What the fuck are we going to do with all these useless wheels" to which Og replied "Have a nice mammoth steak". With that, and the guide of a local prophet, Og was sent back up the mountain to invent another axle, one that would not get stuck in a mammoth.

These were a wise people, because really, these days you never hear of an axle getting stuck in a mammoth do you ?

For more information I suggest you seek official information, or mental help, your choice. I think the site is something like yougottabefuckinkiddingme dot com or something like that.

Rumor has it that Og was working on the first gun with which to kill the leader as he had become weary of inventing all these things without the protection of intellectual rights. But he disappeared like Nikoli Tesla, and a few others. I think the leader invented the forerunner of the CIA. But that is a matter of speculation. Just don't tell them about it over in Off Topic, because the thread will take on Biblical proportions, possibly shutting the entirenet down. (that's what they call it down south I think).

T



I love you too.



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