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shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 3:32:52 PM

quasimdm

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Joined: 12/18/2009
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is it wrong to expect servitude if you're the sole provider? if you take care of the basic needs of your subject, housing, food, clothing, electricity, etc, is it wrong to expect things in return? isn't that what some of this is all about?

i don't mind having to punish, or even 'train' but it would be nice to not have to fight, beg, or just not care once in a while.

maybe I'm not in a typical Dom / Sub relationship, maybe I never have been, but honestly is it too much to expect a little 'gratitude' after a days work?

help me see the light thru the fog....

QM

Post #: 1

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 3:40:18 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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i think its perfectly understandable. but i cant really make a comment since i dont really know what youre situation is.

but if youre begging youre slave to pull her weight and meet her end of the deal then something is out of wack.

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(in reply to quasimdm)

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RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 3:43:37 PM

Wolf2Bear

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That's all fine and dandy yet what about the one who's in your service, emotional needs? The thing about this lifestyle, it is a type of relationship dynamic and part of the exchange is providing the physical, emotional and psychological needs of the one who is voluntary in servitude to us.

_____________________________

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Take the pain
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RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 3:46:02 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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"is it wrong to expect servitude if you're the sole provider?"

No of course not, as long as you both have agreed to that arrangement beforehand.

If either of you is pulling a bait-and-switch, that is wrong.

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(in reply to quasimdm)

Post #: 4

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 3:47:45 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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Yeah, sometimes I feel guilty for not being a "perfect" sub. Considering ALL he does for me. Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking of more ways to serve him, or better ways.
But in the moment...there are times...I just can't bring myself to fawn. And I do love him, worship him and adore him.
But in a 24/7 live in relationship, sometimes people are just people.
Weigh it out. In our relationship, I am serving more often than not.
But I *am* still a person. With needs, desires, and moods. I am not a robot or one of those weird wives...(sorry can't think of the name of that movie...)

My advice is to sit her down and tell her how you feel. Non-accusitory. Make this more about "us" and "we" and less about "you" or "I". Inspire her to serve you by praising her when she does. Every time. Even if you don't feel like it. Cherish her service, and you will get more.

And if, in the end, she can't/won't serve you...then you weren't the right match. But you tried.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

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(in reply to quasimdm)

Post #: 5

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 3:49:38 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
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Go back to what you originally agreed before starting this relationship, and talk to your partner about it. We don't know your dynamic, your personalities, your agreements - you do. Be the Dom in this and get the conversations started. If you're this pissed off about things, it's a fair bet she is too. Take control of the situation and start the talking.

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Post #: 6

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 4:01:23 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Sounds like you're in a relationship where she really doesn't care about you. This has nothing to do with bdsm but about your relationship in general.

Imo if your partner can't pull his or here weight then there's more of a problem than just being a slave or Dom.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 7

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 4:09:18 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: quasimdm
is it wrong to expect servitude if you're the sole provider?

Sorry, but it seems as though you would have this belief regardless of whether your relationship was BDSM. Simply being the "sole provider" does not me you have the right to expect "servitude."

quote:

ORIGINAL: quasimdm
if you take care of the basic needs of your subject, housing, food, clothing, electricity, etc, is it wrong to expect things in return? isn't that what some of this is all about?

All depends on what you are "expecting" and what was agreed to at the start of the relationship. Did you seek and find someone to provide you domestic service in exchange for those "basic" needs you list above? If they are doing the domestic chores and now you want your dick sucked, you are shit out of luck and no you aren't "entitled" to it.

Did you start a relationship with someone and tell them that you didn't want them to work, and now want your dick sucked just because she/he isn't working and you are? Do you honestly believe that the above are the only "needs" a person has?

quote:

ORIGINAL: quasimdm
i don't mind having to punish, or even 'train' but it would be nice to not have to fight, beg, or just not care once in a while.

You really aren't very specific on what you need to "punish" or "train" them for. But regardless a little appreciation goes a long way. If you think that you are the only one "contributing" to the relationship because you provide the house, food, clothes, finances, etc. and your partner meanwhile is cleaning and maintaining that house, cooking the food, etc. it isn't like they aren't "contributing" to the relationship. Are you in a relationship or you just brought someone in to take care of your house while you work in exchange for room and board? Makes a big difference.

quote:

ORIGINAL: quasimdm
maybe I'm not in a typical Dom / Sub relationship, maybe I never have been, but honestly is it too much to expect a little 'gratitude' after a days work?

Ever occur to you that they are thinking the same thing? That when you come home and scarf down the dinner they prepared for you, it might be nice to tell them it was tasty and you enjoyed it? What kind of "gratitude" are you talking about?

By the way, your profile indicates you are looking for someone. So who is this person that is not showing you "gratitude?" Does she know you are actively searching for her replacement? Because you don't list yourself as being poly.

(in reply to quasimdm)

Post #: 8

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 4:19:25 PM

Lockit

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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Hummm.. sole provider.... I had one of those one time. He worked hard all day... while I took care of the many children he fosted upon me, by any means he could find. Oh yes... he demanded servitude for his provison.... I worked from five in the morning until midnight, only sitting down when feeding a lil one and my sleep was broken up by those many wake up calls by the same lil one's.

The house was clean... the food cooked to perfection and I am not talking from a box... but three squares a day from scratch, the yard cared for, the phones and business taken care of and his measly mutts he insisted the family needed, dangerous or not. Then of course there was that bedroom servitude he expected and pouted about because I wanted more than a three strokes and your out kinda guy.

So... do you deserve servitude? I don't know... but if you are anything like him and she is anything like me... nope. You will have to give a bit more information about your non agreed to d/s relationship.

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(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 9

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 4:30:29 PM

itsmeinLV

Posts: 207
Joined: 12/23/2009
Status: offline

Hm...have you guys tried talking about expectations and such? Communication always helps.

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Post #: 10

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 4:45:53 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Any chance she is suffering from depression and thus can't do what was agreed to. It is the middle of winter which for many people who suffer from this the worst time of year. Has she had a physical recently and discussed her inability to do anything?

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Post #: 11

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 4:46:19 PM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
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are you obligated to support?

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Post #: 12

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 5:16:17 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

Bottom Line: There is no "right" or "wrong"... just what is/was agreed upon. If you don't like the current situation, then change it... if you can't change it, then YOU are not the one that's REALLY in charge.

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It's only kinky the first time!!!

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Post #: 13

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 5:26:21 PM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

~fast reply~

quote:

ORIGINAL: quasimdm
is it wrong to expect servitude if you're the sole provider? if you take care of the basic needs of your subject, housing, food, clothing, electricity, etc, is it wrong to expect things in return? isn't that what some of this is all about?

QM,

You ask a question that nobody here is going to be able to answer because we (collective) have no clue what you and your partner agreeded on in the beginning concerning the dynamic for your relationship.

The way I see it, you really only have two choices...wait until someone makes a post that justifies your opinion or talk to your partner.

There...simple...easy...but not so easy. No one said life would be.

< Message edited by CarrieO -- 1/16/2010 5:29:52 PM >

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Post #: 14

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 5:42:15 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

It would be interesting to understand the negotiations that happened at the start of the relationship. But regardless, if her needs are not being met she may not feel like taking care of yours, it doesn't matter what label you name her or how much money you bring in.

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- Albert Einstein

(in reply to quasimdm)

Post #: 15

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 6:14:39 PM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

Seems like you guys need to sit down with pencil and paper and have a long talk about expectations.

I really can't answer your question because I don't know the dynamics of your relationship or your original agreement.

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(in reply to quasimdm)

Post #: 16

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 6:36:49 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: quasimdm
but honestly is it too much to expect a little 'gratitude' after a days work?

This is your issue right here. You somehow think that the person taking care of the home should be kissing your ass just because you go off to work.

Keeping a house running, especially keeping a house running with someone who expects to do nothing in that house is just as much a full time job as going to work. On top of that, the house is there 24/7/365.

It's a partnership where both contributing what they've agreed to contribute. If she's not contributing, then I suggest you sit down and have a chat to find out why. If it doesn't change then make some choices. But before you do have that conversation, I'd suggest changing your attitude about housework.

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Post #: 17

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 8:28:04 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

is it wrong to expect servitude if you're the sole provider?

Yes. if you just don't expect anything you'll never be disappointed.

quote:

if you take care of the basic needs of your subject, housing, food, clothing, electricity, etc, is it wrong to expect things in return? isn't that what some of this is all about?...
maybe I'm not in a typical Dom / Sub relationship, maybe I never have been, but honestly is it too much to expect a little 'gratitude' after a days work?

See above answer to first question.

(in reply to quasimdm)

Post #: 18

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 9:23:38 PM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: quasimdm

is it wrong to expect servitude if you're the sole provider? if you take care of the basic needs of your subject, housing, food, clothing, electricity, etc, is it wrong to expect things in return? isn't that what some of this is all about?

The "if" in your question really bothers me. It makes me think you are saying that BECAUSE you are the sole provider, you deserve servitude. Yes, I think it's wrong to expect servitude only because you are the sole provider. Now, if your question were, "Is it wrong to expect servitude from someone who has agreed to give it?" I would say, no, not wrong at all. But that's not your question.

Also, I assume when you say you "take care of basic needs" like housing, clothing, etc., you mean you pay for them. But who cleans the house, buys the clothes, etc? Isn't that "taking care of," too? It seems to me you are putting value only on the money you earn.

I have a very demanding and successful career, as does my boyfriend. Neither one of us is a "sole provider," yet I provide servitude because I want to and I agreed to. Is it fair for my boyfriend to expect servitude from me? Absolutely, because I agreed to provide it. I think that is the ONLY legitimate reason to expect servitude.

As for the gratitude bit, there are many ways of showing gratitude. My boyfriend seldom says "thank you" for the things I do for him, but he shows his gratitude for my good service through his actions. If I got hung up on a particular kind of gratitude, I'd be setting myself up for disappointment and causing needless conflict in our relationship. Granted, I'm a sub, so my perspective may be quite different from yours.

Good luck.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to quasimdm)

Post #: 19

RE: shouldn't it be this way? - 1/16/2010 11:13:47 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: quasimdm
is it wrong to expect servitude if you're the sole provider? if you take care of the basic needs of your subject, housing, food, clothing, electricity, etc, is it wrong to expect things in return? isn't that what some of this is all about?

First, forget anything about "what it is about". Focus on what you want your life and relationship to be.

Second, you might think that being the sole provider somehow entitles you to servitude; but unless she does as well, you are screwed, aren't you? And since you are writing here, that means she doesn't.

Third, maybe try seeing relationships as less as about entitlements than about cooperation and complementary roles. If you enjoy being the income provider, then seek out someone who enjoys being the homemaker. Then both of you work hard on accepting and fulfilling your roles and their obligations.

Oh, by the way- you are aware, aren't you, that jobs come and go- today you are the provider, tomorrow you might be the stay at home unemployed person while she pulls in the income- will that mean you are then the slave? Just food for thought.

(in reply to quasimdm)

Post #: 20

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