Elisabella
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
quote:
I definitely think the way I said "you have to earn it" was crass, it was sort of joking, because I don't see it as a direct trade of "You be someone who I am sexually attracted to and in return you will get sex from me," but if I were to break it down to that, it would make sense.
Elisabella,
Not going to agree or disagree but with a perspective coming exclusively from your posts and beth; I have a couple of questions. Is your position gender biased? What happens if the other side of the relationship has the same attitude? Is the physical relationship contingent on feeling your partner has 'earned' access?
For me, perceiving that attitude, and I'm pretty good at perception, the person would have to earn access to me; and you know what? They couldn't. I'd be amused and laugh, but as soon as I knew there was score keeping going on - I'd quit the relationship. Score keeping means there's a game being played - I don't play, and don't want to play games with my relationship partner. How do you keep track of the balance sheet? I don't want to 'earn' anything at home regarding my personal relationship - I have too much of that going on at work.
You have enlightened me to a sentiment I've never understood; usually coming exclusive from the female side of sociology studies. Woman don't want to feel used and/or prostitute themselves in their relationships or the world. But if your perspective is accurate for yourself or the majority; they have in mind a 'fee' for services rendered. Now the fee may not be the cold practical exchange of a blow job for $20 going on in the back-streets of LA and many cities; but pragmatically the household expense serves the same bartering function.
I hope I misinterpreted your position, or at lease I hope you position is not representative of the majority. Women can't be as cold and calculating that they evaluate a balance sheet and determine whether to have sex with their partner based upon how many gourmet meals, fine wine, designer clothes they were given. How sad.
What if you simply enjoy sex especially with your partner, you have amazingly compatible desires regarding specific sensations and activities, your partner feels the same way, and between the two of you - you just want to have as much fun as you can for as long as you can? Is that just another county in 'Merc-land'?
Can it be possible that everybody, men and woman, have a relationship 'scorecard'? We've debated the concept of "inspired dominance/submission". Is there another dynamic going on here? Is there a calculation going on where one partner is providing economic benefits contingent on the access of sex and/or a D/s dynamic on a zero sum basis? I guess that explains something - with all the inspiration and evaluation going on - who has time for fun!? Maybe the better question is - who can afford it?
LOL no I'm not that callous to trade sex for dinner drinks and clothes, that wouldn't be a relationship to me.
I think the issue is that I used the word 'earn' in a thread about finances, and 'earn' generally tends to be a monetary word. It's not about money. Maybe a better way to put it is "he has to be worth it."
For me, while the thought of having requirements for a relationship isn't gender biased, the actual requirements themselves tend to be. I look for a man who takes on a traditioanally 'masculine' role, and if he was looking for a woman who takes on a traditionally masculine role, we wouldn't be compatible. My requirements might be, say, taller than me and willing to take me out, and his requirements might be, say, long hair and willingness to do all the dishes and laundry.
We're both contributing, but in different ways. I don't see it as a "scorecard" or as playing games, because to me it's the farthest thing from a game - it is the criteria I am using to determine who to settle down with, who to stake my future on.
To answer your question about sexual compatibility and wanting to have as much fun as you can for as long as you can, there is nothing wrong with that type of relationship, but it's not for me. That relationship would not be "fun" for me in the slightest. It would be nerve wrecking. I want a relationship I can feel secure in, and in my current relationship I've felt the transition slide from "looking out for my best interests" to "looking out for our best interests" and if the relationship were just based in passion, I wouldn't be able to do that.
In my relationship, we know what to expect from one another. It's not "trade money for sex" but right now it's "he pays for the apartment, I keep it clean. He buys the food, I cook it. He pays for the clothes, I keep them clean and hung up. He provides for this type of my physical needs, and I provide for this type of his physical needs." If our relationship was just based in passion and sexuality, rather than the mutual desire to start a family (I'm not talking children here, I mean in the sense that marriage makes two people into a legal family) I would expect it to fizzle, I'd be worried about myself, what would happen when I get older and the passion isn't there, I'd worry that I always had to come up with new and exciting sex games to keep interest, most importantly I'd expect that if I lost interest in sex altogether it would be the end of the relationship.
I don't want a relationship that has a built in expiration date when I hit menopause. I wouldn't be able to relax into that relationship. It might sound calculating to say "this is what is expected of the husband, this is what is expected of the wife" but I know that so long as I do what is expected, I'll be loved, honored and cherished. And I like that - I'd rather grow old feeling the "cherish" kind of love rather than the "passion" kind of love.
Besides, my price is far higher than "buy me dinner and you'll get sex." My price is "provide for me, commit to me, build a future with me, and you'll get everything I can give." Sex is just one of those things.
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RE: "Financially Secure" - 
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