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Meeting - 1/18/2010 7:27:22 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		What do you do before meeting someone from CM for the first time?
(Input on anything from precautions to fashion tips welcome.) :o)

I haven't been on any vanilla dating sites either, so saying that you handle it just like meeting anyone else would not be very helpful. Also, some people on CM are more concerned about discretion...

How much information do you like to have about/give to the person you are meeting? Full name? Pic? Phone number? No information at all?

Yes... I know everyone is different. I want different perspectives, thus why I am asking on a message board. What makes you feel comfortable?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 7:42:15 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Ok, you're a young woman meeting someone unknown so your first priority should be safety. Take whatever precautions you think are necessary. Definitely meet in a public place. Something short like having coffee is preferable instead of being locked into a longer span of time just in case you don't hit it off. You can always lengthen the time you spend together if it goes well. On any first date I always took whatever information I knew about the person and sent it in an email to my close friend along with the meeting time and place so she'd know. She'd usually give me a call during the date if she had the time, we had an agreed upon phrase that if I used it meant call the cops asap.

About the kink side of things....just meet for the first time. Do not do anything you are uncomfortable with. Don't let anyone talk you into anything by telling you that its what a potential sub is supposed to do. Treat it as a vanilla meeting and see if you like the guy at all without involving kink yet. If things go well you can do whatever you like from that point on.

As far as fashion goes I always tried for a relatively conservative look on the first date- you really dont know if you're going to like the guy yet. Nice but covered. Nothing kinky- no one at the Starbucks needs to know what you are into and actually the guy may not appreciate you walking in wearing fetish wear lol. My best friend gave me good advice on the first date look...wear something you feel confident in. For me that's something tried and true and not too extreme.

Oh....and you mentioned some people being concerned about discretion. Thats usually an indicator that the person is married. Just beware of that....

< Message edited by lizi -- 1/18/2010 7:43:54 PM >

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 7:43:22 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		What they're wearing and at which Starbucks they'll be, and what time.  Those are the minimum requirements.

Edited to add:  and an exchange of cell phone numbers.  If they don't have a cell phone, it's a no-go. 

Cali





< Message edited by CalifChick -- 1/18/2010 7:45:41 PM >

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 8:16:57 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

What do you do before meeting someone from CM for the first time?


1. Take my meds;
2. Get that oozing thing on my you-know-what looked at;
3. Call my parole officer;
4. Home Depot shopping list- Rope, duct tape, sandpaper,spring clips, extra large plastic tub
5. Buy card- compose poem inside- "I respect your submission as a beautiful gift..."
6. Google "extradition, France"

Nothing special, really

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 8:26:44 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
What do you do before meeting someone from CM for the first time?
... What makes you feel comfortable?

take a shower


_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 8:30:07 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex


quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

What do you do before meeting someone from CM for the first time?


1. Take my meds;
2. Get that oozing thing on my you-know-what looked at;
3. Call my parole officer;
4. Home Depot shopping list- Rope, duct tape, sandpaper,spring clips, extra large plastic tub
5. Buy card- compose poem inside- "I respect your submission as a beautiful gift..."
6. Google "extradition, France"

Nothing special, really


I always knew there was something wrong with you....lol

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....



(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 8:31:40 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
What do you do before meeting someone from CM for the first time?
... What makes you feel comfortable?

take a shower



LOL...actually I was going to say don't shave your legs...that way if you are tempted you won't do anything hasty.....BUT, seeing as that didn't work for me, and on top of that the poor sucker married me.....nevermind....lol

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....



(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 8:36:54 PM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline 		I must have:

*Phone number
*Current picture (if they don't look anything like the pic, or it's years old it's a good way to get out of it--the whole trust thing).
*City where they live (Not the whole address, because I am not comfortable giving that out.)

Before we set up a meeting I want to make sure he:

*Is single
*Has a job
*Has a vehicle
*Has somewhere to live
*Does not have kids

(I'm not looking for a play partner, NSA or anything like that)

Generally I want to talk on the phone a few times first, little chit chat stuff, just to get a feel for the person.  If they come off as creepy or overly sexual it's a no-go. 

I send the pic and information (including his screen name and cell phone number) to my own email, and to a friend who is aware of my kinky side.  If I don't call her by the end of the night, then she calls me.  If we don't communicate then she calls the cops.

This is the same regardless of if I "meet" him on CM/Fet or vanilla dating sites. 

_____________________________

~Posting now as ForgetMeKnots~

BDSM is what two people at the moment decide it should be...
--CatdeMedici

Member of the Subbie Mafia
Pimpette
Member of MoGa's IN crowd

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 8:40:58 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Here is my standard:

exchange a few emails, get a photo or two, talk on the phone once or twice but not for weeks, get a phone number, find out where they live (city), make sure they are single, meet in a public place, most likely for coffee or a drink (dinner is longer to get out of).

let a friend know you are meeting someone for the first time and go in with no expectations at all and hope for a nice evening.

oh, and look super hot.

(in reply to KneelforAnne)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 8:48:20 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I just put on a pot of coffee and started a card game with my room mate while I waited to see if he'd show up.   Oh, I put on my Saint Patty's day hair scrunchy.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 8:49:16 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Prior to the man, I always met in a hotel room. Never knew more than their first name and never told anyone where I was.
Not highly recommended. I never had any safety problems with this method, but it was only a matter of time until I did.
I met the man in a Lowes parking lot. Got into his truck and talked to him for about a half an hour. I knew within the first minute that I wanted to see him again.
I knew nothing about him other than his first name (false one I later found out...he had legitimate reasons) and once again no one knew where I was.
The next time I met him was in a hotel room. It was incredibly hot.
I tend to have very good gut instincts about people and only met with those who raised no hairs on the back of my neck.

_____________________________



(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 8:57:36 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I treat it the same as meeting anyone else. I really don't meet anyone else these days since well...I'm taken and don't have any interest in meeting anyone else but when I did , if I was just meeting them for shits and giggles and didn't really have any real interest in them, I rarely asked for much info about them and rarely ever gave out more than the city I live in and my first name. If they held my interest in more than just meeting for something to do then I usually saw at least a decent pic of them, knew their first name, city they lived in, maybe a few other minor details and I always met anyone I would meet at a coffeeshop. If we didn't hit it off or I got bored I was able to finish my coffee and leave.


(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 9:02:28 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		I like to request that we meet at my favorite coffee shop. they know me there and I'm comfortable, and they have a computer so i can check my email if they are late.
exchange cell phone numbers, describe what I will be wearing (at minimum, I say 'I wear bright purple lensed perscription glasses on a beaded chain' I figure those are hard to miss) and ask what they will be wearing. trade pics. i don't really care what someone looks like beyond identifying them, but i insist they know what i look like before we meet.
Make it a coffee date.
Make it clear to them that i do not play on the first date and that one of my limits is no sex while unowned. If that is a no-go for them, lets get it out of the way up front. Ditto on telling them I am mentally ill before this meet - but that probably does not apply to you.
What lizzi described is a safe call, and though they are disparaged here on CM in general, I do them. My feeling about them is, the call is superfilous. the important part is when I tell them i need safe call info - they can chose what to tell me, but it has to be sufficent for them to be located if i don't show up back at home. although i said i trade cell phone numbers, i personally do not make no cell phone a no-go, as cali suggested - but an unwillingness to share personal info is a no go.
be willing to be honest. after an hour of coffee, be willing to say to someone simply and honestly ' I wish you luck in your search, but i just don't think we are a match'. do not put too much into someone before you meet them. just plan to go, relax, talk and enjoy.
dress comfortably. like you would dress for a PTA meeting. dress so that a suggestion that you take a walk or go to the park would not be a ridiculous idea. but don't feel you have to do such things if they are suggested - just be open and enjoy.
Under no conditions agree to play or to go somewhere private. its a first meet. You probably won't get hurt, but you could, and you should keep yourself safe. OTOH, some guys, Doms or not, who get a free quickie play out of a coffee date will take their winnings and go home, and you will never hear from them again. Which is handy information, as well, but there are other ways to find out he's a jackass, LOL

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Meeting - 1/18/2010 9:07:09 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		seriously....what all have said is what I used.  The only thing, that I remember from ye ole single days, is when you email all his info and his pic to your friend, make sure he or she has the make, model, and license plate number of "your" car.   If the cops do have to be called it's easier to ask around in the public place that you met and for them to find your car on the street.

Also, no matter how charming, don't leave with him...make sure you stay with your car...if it's meant to be he will wait for you.  Also, when you go to that coffee shop or where ever...don't just go sit at a table and let him order....you go up to the counter and make yourself known....if it's a waiter/waitress type situation, then make yourself known to him/her as well. 

Trust me if the worse happens this helps.  Had a friend set up a system....she tried to cover herself but she forgot those little things...dip head left her phone in the car, so when her "safety net" tried to call of course there was no answer.

They did go to the scheduled place but left for another public place.  He did the ordering so no one really saw her and of course the friend didn't have a description of what he was wearing, just some grainy picture (make sure you have a good focused pic), and duh, she didn't have the license number of her friends car, all she knew was the make and color, not even the model...so kind of hard for police to help....she finally grew a brain, and got the stars out of her eyes long enough to realize that she didn't have her phone and finally called her friend like she was supposed to hours before.   which reminds me, if you have a schedule with a friend...stick to it

and from my personal experience...make sure you take an alternate route home and make sure you are not being followed....had that happen once after a blind date set up by co-workers....I met him with those co-workers and their spouses....on the phone the guy was kind of cool...in person he was just creepy....I saw him following me so I went another way and drove until I lost him.  He had the nerve to call me at home and complain because I lost him.  He said he just wanted to suprise me and that he thought we would be better in private since our friends were talking so much we couldn't talk (not true, we were all trying to get him to talk, I was trying to get him just to talk to me, he wouldn't)....any whooo....longer story short...about a year later turned out he was a child molester, he in jail as we speak...I'm wondering what made those "friends" think we were a match...lol

it's the little things you forget that can really help

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....



(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 3:52:20 AM   
ForeverOwned


Posts: 269
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		When it is over do not go directly hime. Go to another public place like a mall just incase he or she decides they want to follow you home. That happened to a friend of mine.

The very first time my friend met someone in a hotel room she was raped. So just be as careful as possible and don;t ignore any red flags.

(in reply to DrkJourney)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 4:45:25 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You've never had a blind date? We met at a Starbucks inside a book store. Walked around the mall it was in looking for a new cordless phone for my dad. Then went out to brunch. Talked the whole time.

If we hadn't of clicked, we wouldn't have looked for the phone nor had brunch.

We had exchanged names beforehand and I googled him. Didn't get his license plate till he showed, he didn't get mine either till then.

I never did a safety call, but back in my youth when I went out on blind dates I didn't do that either. Never did that when I met a guy at a party and went home with him. I just trust my instincts.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ForeverOwned)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 4:54:49 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

How much information do you like to have about/give to the person you are meeting? Full name? Pic? Phone number? No information at all?



I'm a paranoid SoB about giving out my real details when meeting someone off the net for the first time so, as a general rule, I give out as little as possible. I have skype for voice chat and arranging everything, I'll give my first name if the other person does and then once we have a time and location I'm comfy with, I go there.

Usually a place like a Starbucks or a kink event that I've already attended and feel comfortable there. I let Val and a few others know I'm meeting someone and the whens and wheres just in case.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 4:57:17 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

What do you do before meeting someone from CM for the first time?
(Input on anything from precautions to fashion tips welcome.) :o)


You've gotten great tips so far. Be safe, be yourself and be true to yourself.

Also, have high hopes and low expectations :-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 6:09:01 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Welcome back, PainfullyCurious.

I think I'm more like Aileen1968 in the risk-taking department for first meetings. I never talked to my boyfriend on the phone before we met (although we emailed and texted for a month) and I met him by showing up at his house and he grabbed me from behind and dragged me into his garage, blindfolded me, tied me up, and raped me for a couple hours before we actually said hello and formally introduced ourselves (we had discussed the rape ahead of time, so I knew it was going to happen, but I didn't know any specifics). Yeah, it was crazy and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else . . . but it certainly worked for us.

You've gotten great advice about how to be safe. My best advice would be to trust your instincts. If something doesn't seem right, don't worry about being rude or hurting his feelings, just GET OUT. Get his full name and employment information ahead of time and google him (I did do this with my boyfriend before meeting him). If he's local, get his address and drive by his house and make sure there's no wife (I did do this, too).

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Meeting - 1/19/2010 6:54:11 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		lucylucy,
since you discussed the rape play ahead of time, it was actually a bigger risk for him than for you. If the chick you never met called the police, even showing them logs where she 'begged to be raped' is not gonna get you out of that one. Trust your instincts when it comes to trust issues - guys too. guys tend to think they are not in danger at all, and the danger is, in fact, pretty equally shared.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 20
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