How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak?

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How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a... - 1/23/2010 11:31:47 AM

winterlight

Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
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The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends...

What behavior separates the two?

How do you know which is which?

< Message edited by winterlight -- 1/23/2010 11:32:08 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 11:46:02 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

A person who is good for you is positive and uplifting and encourages personal growth and self-awareness. If someone told me I could not be with family and friends I would tell him I could not be with him. There is a difference between a dominant and a douchebag, sometimes it takes a while to discover it.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 2

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 11:53:48 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight
The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends...

I'm unclear how these things all string together. You are equating "good" with minimal control. You are equating span of control with a decision to cut off family & friends. I don't get how any of those dots connect.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 3

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 12:28:38 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If your family and friends are people who routinely treat you badly, then being cut off from them would be a positive action.

However, that aside, if it is important to you that you be able to still spend time with family and friends, you talk to him about this. Just as you talk about whether you will have sex with others, and who pays for meets and everything else. If he isn't someone you can talk calmly to, then it doesn't matter. If his views on things are vastly different then yours, then you aren't compabible.

Sit down over coffee and start talking.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 4

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 12:30:50 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Being isolated from family and friends is usually considered a Red Flag. If the person you are with makes you unhappy, then what is the sense of being with that person?

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 5

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 1:54:24 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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common sense - if its driving you nuts then its not healthy.

id have to wonder why someone was so insecure that they had to separate you from youre friends and family.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 6

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 2:02:26 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

Their character.

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 7

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 2:30:10 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends...

What behavior separates the two?

How do you know which is which?

You asked a very leading question there which makes it hard to answer. But if I am to take away what you want and simply answer how can you tell if you have a good dominant.

It is about being able to be honest and open, to be yourself, to be happy more than you are sad, to be challenged and stimulated. You tell the difference when the balance changes, when you feel yourself being less confident, less content less you. It is the same as how you can tell if a friend is good for you, or a 'vanilla' partner.

There isn't a definitive because my ideal probably isn't yours, just like I would be less than wonderful to other people.

Basically its down to compatibility.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 8

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 2:43:16 PM

Exploratorynfun

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

If your being controlled to the point you can't be with family or freinds.... DEFINITELY A RED FLAG!!!!

GET OUT NOW before it gets worse!!!!

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 9

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 3:02:46 PM

Dominasola

Posts: 582
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Ottawa, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Exploratorynfun

If your being controlled to the point you can't be with family or freinds.... DEFINITELY A RED FLAG!!!!

GET OUT NOW before it gets worse!!!!

I think the "why" would be a very important factor here, as DesFIP indicated. If the D-type is not allowing the s-type to see his/her family and friends because they have proven to be abusive, irresponsible, or in any other way damaging to the s-type's physical or emotional well-being, then controlling his or her interactions with these individuals can be justified.

If you come from a loving family and have great friends, however, then there might be other issues going on.

_____________________________

I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn human actions, but to understand them.

—Baruch Spinoza

The measure of a man is what he does with power.

—Pittacus

(in reply to Exploratorynfun)

Post #: 10

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 3:42:24 PM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

some of us are gifted with a lack of common sense.

:\

With experience and the wisdom of the wise domly doms and sublime subbies one can learn to separate the crap from the gold.

I've found that I am Social Inept, but definitely not stupid. Do the math, if what the Dominant says does not add up with what the Dominant does...

say goodbye.

If the Dominant does not respect limits, boundaries, or wishes...

say goodbye.

If the dominant comes up with tons of convenient excuses for their behavior...

say goodbye.

This is knowledge possibly on this board and others, I am simply regurgitating it. I wish I had known these things sooner. Sometimes you need to toughen up, thicken the skin, and just take it.

And learn from it. Always learn from it, good and bad relations.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 11

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 3:48:39 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Exploratorynfun

If your being controlled to the point you can't be with family or freinds.... DEFINITELY A RED FLAG!!!!

GET OUT NOW before it gets worse!!!!

Obviously you've never met my father or stalker sister. *snort

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 1/23/2010 3:49:01 PM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Exploratorynfun)

Post #: 12

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 4:05:27 PM

itsmeinLV

Posts: 207
Joined: 12/23/2009
Status: offline

When you're with a good, caring Dom/Domme, you feel happy and positive. When you are not, you do not feel happy and negativity fills your life.

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 13

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 5:14:49 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

I would rather imagine that after my partner has been exposed to certain people in my life to just the right extent, he will definitely start drawing some lines about who is good for me and who isn't and how I am to interact with certain people. I imagine a few people will be eliminated from my life completely eventually and I pretty well accept that. I guess I should be running for the hills based on these red flag indications, but I'm not. Why? We have a good history together and anything he has required of me that was of any particular significance has been in the pursuit of bettering my situation. I know and trust that what he asks of me is for my (or our, as the case may be) own good.

Some people in our lives are toxic. Most of the time it takes either years of professional help or someone from the outside looking in to finally uncover this and bring us to action. I recognize some people in my life that are toxic. I stay clear as much as possible. At the same time, I have had trouble cutting a lot of strings that I have needed to for any number of reasons. When I no longer have need of those strings I can cut loose and get far, far away from these people and their poisonous effects on my life. Some may say that a person should be able to do that on their own, but then again there are times when that just isn't possible. Sometimes a dominant's command is more about helping us do what we know we NEED and WANT to do than about control at all. Often, also, control is really about PROTECTION and a duty of CARE. I guess it can be hard to tell the difference sometimes, but if such orders are given, the first thing I would be looking at is whether I already feel the desire or pull within myself to do that very thing. If I do, then I would look at my life and see if I have lacked the courage, resources, or other elements needed to do as we both know is best. If I know that those things I need in order to let go are in place, then I have no excuse for not letting go. Not letting go would mean a careful examination of my own feelings about my partner and our relationship given the self assessment that has already occurred.

Sure, I could take every thing that seemed uncomfortable or unreasonable as a red flag. In fact, I think many people do in relationships of all kinds. I'm not looking for a way out though. I don't feel the need to disobey. Power struggle is not healthy for me or my relationship. Isn't in the tough stuff that we learn to forge a deeper bond, develop trust, and entrench our own submission? I know many abusers use isolation as a tactic and even give reasonable sounding rationale for doing so. I think it is self reflection and a lack of "blind" following that allows us to separate the two. I could just let my partner pat me on my little head and tell me that this person is bad for me and to never talk to them again and do just that. If I know my OWN mind and have my OWN reasons and motivation for what I am doing, I can both discern the love and protection of my partner or the lies and malicious intent of an abuser. It also allows my partner to enjoy my obedience rather than the fear an abuser lives with of me coming to doubt his judgement and circumvent him. A good dominant has control that is not in question. An abuser never has control, just the appearance of such. The question to ask is: Am I self assured in the decision to do as he requires or does it fill me with doubt based his past poor judgement? The litmus test is your gut and his character.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

(in reply to itsmeinLV)

Post #: 14

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 5:56:46 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends...
What behavior separates the two?
How do you know which is which?

One bit of behavior that separates the two, is not letting you see your family or friends.

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 15

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 6:40:27 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...How do you know which is which?...

observe/verify their behavior. use whatever sense the Great Architect gave you/tools at your disposal to determine their intention. sociopaths that this slave has come across are really good at hiding their intentions at first, but sooner or later, it comes out...their intent is your ultimate destruction.

quote:

The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends...

if the intention of keeping you from family and friends is because your family and friends are destructive to/with you, then it isn't necessarily a bad behavior.

intent means a lot.

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 16

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/23/2010 11:49:09 PM

jujubeeMB

Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominasola

I think the "why" would be a very important factor here, as DesFIP indicated. If the D-type is not allowing the s-type to see his/her family and friends because they have proven to be abusive, irresponsible, or in any other way damaging to the s-type's physical or emotional well-being, then controlling his or her interactions with these individuals can be justified.

If you come from a loving family and have great friends, however, then there might be other issues going on.

I don't think it's ever ok to cut off family and friends. It's textbook abusive, and the first step in isolating someone so they can't leave, because they have no emotional support elsewhere. I know I wouldn't stay with anyone who tried to control who I was friends with and how I interacted with my family, even if my family happened to be damaging in some way. Very few families are perfect, but cutting off or limiting relationships is solely the right and responsibility of the person whose relationships they are. If a Dom has decided to take that right away from his/her sub, I think that sub needs to do some careful thinking about his/her emotional safety in the relationship.

(in reply to Dominasola)

Post #: 17

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 2:25:26 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB
I don't think it's ever ok to cut off family and friends. It's textbook abusive, and the first step in isolating someone so they can't leave, because they have no emotional support elsewhere. .

Unless the family and friends are abusive and don't offer emotional support, problem is that often abusive partners use that as an excuse when it isn't the reality

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to jujubeeMB)

Post #: 18

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 6:41:37 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends...

What behavior separates the two?

How do you know which is which?

I would never define someone who kept me from seeing my family and friends (who are amazingly supportive and wonderful) as a good dom or master. Certainly, they would be a terrible one for me as to keep me from those who love me would cause me terrible emotional pain, carve deep wounds into my pysche and utterly break me in a very negative way.

That is the sort of order I simply could not obey and the sort of person I simply would not choose as my owner.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 1/24/2010 6:42:24 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 19

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 6:45:52 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
if the intention of keeping you from family and friends is because your family and friends are destructive to/with you, then it isn't necessarily a bad behavior.

intent means a lot.

The problem is that in these situations, intent doesn't always mean anything. Someone with a bad grasp on reality can truly just intend to show a woman he loves her when he takes her from her home without her consent.

Just because he is saying that they are a destructive influence doesn't mean they are. That is the sort of thing that I would advise a person consider with extreme care and consider if the owner is encouraging you to make other friends, if he is only allowing you spend time a handful of people that he likes even if you don't particularly like them or if he cutting you off completely.

ETA - I do agree with you that if the friends and family truly are destructive, then it's not always a bad behavior. Just that it needs to be considered with care. I've seen friends who were cut off from contact with the rest of us because we were a "bad influence" and when it came down it... the guy was just insecure and didn't want her to have anyone to turn to.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 1/24/2010 6:49:07 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 20

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