RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.s. a person that is a control freak?

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RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 6:48:51 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
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From: SW London (UK)
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It's all in the mind and knowing it, whether it applies to you yourself or to the other person, is the key to a successful, happy relationship.

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(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 21

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 7:14:20 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

you could ask him

" hey you son of a bitch are you a good master?", and if he throws you out on your ass he was a good master

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 22

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 5:11:09 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

When I am happy and content to be with him. It's that simple really.

The extent of control really has nothing to do with it.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 23

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 7:38:56 PM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

I generally go by this simple rule: if someone brings out my best and makes me feel good about who I am, he's good for me; if someone brings out my insecurities and makes me feel bad about who I am, he's not good for me.

I imagine that if I made bad choices about who to be friends with and a man I was with kept me from seeing them, I would feel better about myself.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 24

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 7:49:23 PM

PrincessDonna

Posts: 189
Joined: 7/7/2006
Status: offline

Perfect reason why communication is so very important.I have pointed out to some friends that there are people in their lives that just dump on them or call them when they need something,and how this person was brought up was that "being there" was being a good friend when in fact they were taking on all the other persons negative emotions and mingling them with their own and all it really took was someone outside looking in,that they knew cared about them pointing it out.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 25

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 8:14:29 PM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

God if my property followed this general advice, she would be back giving all her money bailing out her family, cleaning their homes, watching their kids, and then being told how worthless she is.

My girl is cut off for a large portion of her family. They damn near sucked the spirit right out of her.

My girl agreed to the process of Internal Enslavement almost two years ago. Everything is controlled. She is less anxious, less depressed, and has grown in many ways. She has taught herself several software programs to the point that she has become my assistant, and has a side business restoring old photos, or creating whatever you want from photoshop. All of it self taught at my command. Her self esteem is better than it has ever been, and all of this has been done with controlling everything in her life from small, to large.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Exploratorynfun

If your being controlled to the point you can't be with family or freinds.... DEFINITELY A RED FLAG!!!!

GET OUT NOW before it gets worse!!!!

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to Exploratorynfun)

Post #: 26

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 8:26:50 PM

InvisibleBlack

Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

The kind of person that controls everything you do, you cannot see your family or friends...

What behavior separates the two?

How do you know which is which?

Let's see if I put this into some sort of sensible response...

One person's "control freak" is another person's "wonder Dom" so any particular action can be a positive or negative, depending on the dynamic and depending on what you and your partner want. If you want to be objectified and kept in a cage then someone who does that for/to you is your perfect Dom. If you can't stand those things, then your Dom is abusing you. How do you tell the difference?

That's the big trick. It's especially tough to judge in BDSM relationships as many of the usual standards are out the window, so to speak.

The way I see it, at the end of the day, how does the relationship make you feel about yourself? Are you being/becoming the person you want to be or someone you are comfortable with? If, at the end of a day together, you are miserable, anxious, riddled with doubt and feel worse off than you did in the morning - odds are that the relationship is not healthy.

Some people need rigid lines and clear boundaries and strict control to feel safe and secure. Some people need freedom to operate under generally provided guideliness to feel good. Some people need to be seriously punished to feel grounded enough to be emotionally vulnerable. Some people need extreme catharsis.

If during the relationship you are dependent on your partner for any sort of positive feedback, attention or reinforcement but you are growing increasingly unhappy with yourself it's a pretty good sign that you should get out. If during the relationship you feel good around your partner, look forward to being with them, and feel happy and secure in yourself (or happier and more secure if you're an unhappy and insecure person) then odds are you're in something good.

I make it sound simple and it's not, really, but at some level people know. Generally, the fact that you have to ask is a pretty good indication that all is not well.

[Edited: Typos.]

< Message edited by InvisibleBlack -- 1/24/2010 8:28:43 PM >

_____________________________

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 27

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 8:33:06 PM

ForeverOwned

Posts: 269
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline

If you are with a Dominant and ytou have to ask how to tell a good one from a bad one, then in my opinion you are not with a good one.

(in reply to InvisibleBlack)

Post #: 28

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 9:06:45 PM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ForeverOwned

If you are with a Dominant and ytou have to ask how to tell a good one from a bad one, then in my opinion you are not with a good one.

hmmmmmmm

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to ForeverOwned)

Post #: 29

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/24/2010 9:22:49 PM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ForeverOwned

If you are with a Dominant and ytou have to ask how to tell a good one from a bad one, then in my opinion you are not with a good one.

It's not always that simple, though. If you are emotionally unstable or have a history of bad judgment with significant others, you may rightfully question your ability to make these kinds of judgment calls.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to ForeverOwned)

Post #: 30

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/25/2010 1:31:30 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf

God if my property followed this general advice, she would be back giving all her money bailing out her family, cleaning their homes, watching their kids, and then being told how worthless she is.

My girl is cut off for a large portion of her family. They damn near sucked the spirit right out of her.

My girl agreed to the process of Internal Enslavement almost two years ago. Everything is controlled. She is less anxious, less depressed, and has grown in many ways. She has taught herself several software programs to the point that she has become my assistant, and has a side business restoring old photos, or creating whatever you want from photoshop. All of it self taught at my command. Her self esteem is better than it has ever been, and all of this has been done with controlling everything in her life from small, to large.

Abuser!!!!!

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to OrionTheWolf)

Post #: 31

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/25/2010 1:54:12 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

one way to tell would be to look in a mirror if you're not a good sub/slave you don't have a good dom/master because a good one wouldn't have you

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 32

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/25/2010 6:17:23 AM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

one way to tell would be to look in a mirror if you're not a good sub/slave you don't have a good dom/master because a good one wouldn't have you

Oooh, I like this! (but it requires a whole lotta accurate self-analysis)

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 33

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/25/2010 6:30:04 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

one way to tell would be to look in a mirror if you're not a good sub/slave you don't have a good dom/master because a good one wouldn't have you

Oooh, I like this! (but it requires a whole lotta accurate self-analysis)

I don't. Plenty of good people have self-confidence issues and think they don't deserve X or any better than Y treatment. That is a great way to end up in an abusive relationship.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to lucylucy)

Post #: 34

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/25/2010 6:57:31 AM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

one way to tell would be to look in a mirror if you're not a good sub/slave you don't have a good dom/master because a good one wouldn't have you

Oooh, I like this! (but it requires a whole lotta accurate self-analysis)

I don't. Plenty of good people have self-confidence issues and think they don't deserve X or any better than Y treatment. That is a great way to end up in an abusive relationship.

Exactly--which is why I said lots of ACCURATE self-analysis would be necessary.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 35

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/25/2010 9:23:24 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

Exactly--which is why I said lots of ACCURATE self-analysis would be necessary.

That's the trouble. I don't think accurate self-analysis is so easy to do and hence why I can't consider the above a good rule of thumb.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to lucylucy)

Post #: 36

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/25/2010 5:24:59 PM

mstrslve4fun

Posts: 60
Joined: 12/18/2009
Status: offline

This is my opinion only, but I don't think a good Master would try to segregate you from your loved ones. That is what an abuser does.

(in reply to winterlight)

Post #: 37

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/25/2010 6:37:40 PM

Dominasola

Posts: 582
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Ottawa, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

I don't. Plenty of good people have self-confidence issues and think they don't deserve X or any better than Y treatment. That is a great way to end up in an abusive relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

That's the trouble. I don't think accurate self-analysis is so easy to do and hence why I can't consider the above a good rule of thumb.

I agree with AquaticSub; a relationship can fail for no reason other than simple incompatibility, which can make an s-type with self-confidence issues perceive problems in a/a failed relationship to be his/her fault. I think it is rare for someone with low self-esteem to have the ability to analyze him/herself accurately.

_____________________________

I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn human actions, but to understand them.

—Baruch Spinoza

The measure of a man is what he does with power.

—Pittacus

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 38

RE: How can you tell that you have a good Dom/Master v.... - 1/26/2010 2:54:21 AM

petmonkey

Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
Some people in our lives are toxic. Most of the time it takes either years of professional help or someone from the outside looking in to finally uncover this and bring us to action.
lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic
some of us are gifted with a lack of common sense.

Know Thyself. Before one pursues a Dom, attempt to discover and correct one's own toxic behavior. This can improve one's chances of seeing toxic behavior in others.

< Message edited by petmonkey -- 1/26/2010 2:56:16 AM >

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 39

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