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Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for love... - 2/1/2010 8:53:06 PM

Andalusite

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Joined: 1/25/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex
( from http://www.collarchat.com/m_2999540/mpage_6/key_/tm.htm#3010212 )
I don't find the gender imbalance odd at all. Is it really a coincidence that in most classic BDSM tales, the Dominants are exactly like you are describing? Cold, aloof, impassive. Sir Stephan takes O's love and worship stoically, even to the point of her branding herself (and in one version of the book, killing herself) all the while never professing his love for her.
This aspect of Dominance, being totally in control of one's own feelings and emotions is for many of us, the most satisfying aspect.

Sometimes I treat Kim impassively, taking her, using her (yes, we even use those words with each other- instead of "lovemaking" we call it "taking") and yet she knows that I love her deeply.

I realise that many people are in D/s relationships that are more service-oriented or casual. In your current and previous romantic relationships that also involved D/s and/or kink, how long has it taken to discover whether or not you love your partner? Have you felt that you needed to control your feelings and emotions, or does expressing them come easily?

In my last relationship as a submissive for 3 years, my Dominant was very caring, affectionate, respectful, and so forth. In addition to the hot play, he invited me along for holidays and special occasions with his parents and other relatives, we hung out with his friends, went on dates, and all that stuff. However, he said straight out that he didn't love me and wasn't in love with me. We broke up over it, but got back together a few months later. Soon after that, he did say he loved me a few times, or more often just traced a heart on my skin. I don't want to get into too much detail about my current relationship, but he's also not very verbally demonstrative, even though he's very affectionate in other ways. This hasn't been an issue in most of my previous relationships, with men who weren't dominant, so after reading the quote from AnimusRex, I was curious if there was a link.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 2/1/2010 9:33:23 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/1/2010 9:16:54 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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For me, I've discovered I need love (or the potential for love) to be there.

I'm an inherently dominant woman. That's my perception of myself based on the fact that being the leader and having the dominant role in a relationship is what feels most natural to me. I feel that I come by it naturally, honestly, instinctively, romantically, sensually, sexually, etc. I am also a sensual sadist. Plainly, I get aroused from teasing and torturing a man and watching him squirm, his discomfort and vulnerability bringing out a very cruel and lustful, yet paradoxically loving, creature in me. I don't fetishise the man, but rather, find all of this even more pleasurable and natural when I'm with a strong, intelligent gentleman that I know intimately and love. However, this is not the image commonly portrayed of the dominant woman.

I've never claimed to be a pure, virgin girl. I am however a genuinely good girl with a twisted streak. I have my Domina puttons that can be pushed too and when they are, I can be a huge pervert. I love to seduce, see a man's eyes glazed over, watch his chin drop, etc. I like to toy with boys! But when all the flirting is said and done, I would rather live all of this within the realm of a relationship. What lovely intimacy this all creates! I have never experienced love making that brings mind, soul and body together than the lovemaking that includes power exchange with sadistic pain and pleasure.

I could never do the cruel and wicked things I do to a man I didn't adore. I would feel like a monster. I mean yes I've played with boys who were play subs, but I was terribly fond of them, and it never went as far as with the ones I've adored.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 2/1/2010 9:26:55 PM >

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 2

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/1/2010 9:26:00 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

For me, I've discovered I need love of potential for love to be there.

I'm an inherently dominant woman. That's my perception of myself based on the fact that being the leader and having the dominant role in a relationship is what feels most natural to me. I feel that I come by it naturally, honestly, instinctively, romantically, sensually, sexually, etc. I am also a sensual sadist. Plainly, I get aroused from teasing and torturing a man and watching him squirm, his discomfort and vulnerability bringing out a very cruel and lustful, yet paradoxically loving, creature in me. I don't fetishise the man, but rather, find all of this even more pleasurable and natural when I'm with a strong, intelligent gentleman that I know intimately and love. However, this is not the image commonly portrayed of the dominant woman.

I've never claimed to be a pure, virgin girl. I am however a genuinely good girl with a twisted streak. I have my Domina puttons that can be pushed too and when they are, I can be a huge pervert. I love to seduce, see a man's eyes glazed over, watch his chin drop, etc. I like to toy with boys! But when all the flirting is said and done, I would rather live all of this within the realm of a relationship. What lovely intimacy this all creates! I have never experienced love making that brings mind, soul and body together than the lovemaking that includes power exchange with sadistic pain and pleasure.

I could never do the cruel and wicked things I do to a man I didn't adore. I would feel like a monster. I mean yes I've played with boys who were play subs, but I was terribly fond of them, and it never went as far as with the ones I've adored.

- LA

This exactly, but from the submissive side of things. Nothing is better than doing all this within a love relationship.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 3

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 4:10:32 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I couldn't trust him with me if he didn't love me. Friendship came first, then love, then a sexual/bondage d/s relationship.

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 4

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 4:26:01 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I do not see this as a dominant thing so I see not inherent link there.
From reading your post, I believe the only link is yourself. You don't go for the type of man - yours is the more aloof type.
For me, I am attracted to dominant men who are verbal and visable in expression of of the way I view love, rather than affectionate. I would even go sofar to say that the dominant women I am attracted to (as in friends and people I would serve with Masters blessing) at the same. So I neither see it as a orientational thing, nor a gender thing, but a reflection on the people whom I am empathically drawn to.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 5

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 6:09:47 AM

lally2

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Joined: 4/16/2009
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maybe its down to personality types but not necessarily all about Ds or Ms.

i just dont think alot of men are terribly good with that sort of stuff. casting my mind back, i actually cant recall a vanilla boyfriend ever saying he loved me, a few asked me to marry them, but 'i love you' wasnt a phrase that tripped off their lips easily.

all of the men in my life have been of a Dominant personality though - so maybe its that 'strong guy' image that has a problem with blatent expressions of love.

OP, my last M said to me that he had no interest in becoming my lover, that i could love him, but that he would only love me in the sense of valuing me as his slave. but there were outward expressions of enjoying 'me' and my company that told me he felt, if not love fully, then a sort of love for who i represented as being to him.

all my relationships with men have been kinda the same on reflection. no verbal spillings or even flagrant expressions, just a look or a smile or a cuddle or a moment that told me they did care.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 2/2/2010 6:11:06 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 6

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 6:22:28 AM

Scheherazade67

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Joined: 1/16/2010
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Okay so you want to know if there is a link between someone being controlling and undemonstrative?

I'd say yes.

Being demonstrative requires vulnerability and not so much a lack of self control but a letting go of control and *gasp* giving it to another person. I don't think it's just dominant people who fear this but perhaps they fear it more.

I was once in love with a woman who needed to be in control. She couldn't handle my affection. She 'wanted' it but only in it's proper time and place.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 7

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 7:06:12 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

i actually have had very different experiences - i wouldn't necessarily say that it's a link between being controlling and undemonstrative, not at all.

These thoughts are a bit rambling as i'm still waking up but hope it makes sense.

It's been my experience that many "strong guy" (to use lally's term) Dominants have a tremendous capacity to love - they just need somewhere safe to express it. All of the D types in my life have been like this - including my last Master and my current potential Owner - strong, big men (physically), powerful, controlling, successful in their careers, controlling of their subordinates and in their personal lives and their relationships with others - and very, very loving and capable of expressing that love (girly sigh) within the private confines of an M/s or Owner/property relationship. And to be clear i've dated and been with guys from my ex Master who was a Wall Street exec and semi-pro football player to Black Ops Special Forces guys to high level government officials, a Secret Service sniper (not kidding), and many many others....i've been told i should write a book, hee hee!

For me love and Ownership go hand and hand - i used to use the phrase "love and cruelty." i couldn't be Owned by someone that didn't ultimately love me, and was able to express that love, and vice versa. And there are many, many D types out there who are also very loving - and many of them are also very deep sadists. It is the intensity of the connection, the intimacy of the mental, emotional, and the physical activities we engage in that when complimented by love takes everything to a place that is unreachable otherwise, almost transcendent. And i love the moment, absolutely love it, when he lets down that tough guy side of himself and feels so safe to enact that love and cruelty on me in whatever way, shape, or form pleases him - it is my purpose, and why i was put on this earth.

Perhaps it's just that these are the type of Master/Owners i most resonate with, i don't know, but i'll say that i have met quite a few over the years, both in my previous dating experience (before my last Master) and my current search.

And one other thought - i think the sub/slave to some extent has to be "wired" (or at least able) to see the love in the control. For many of these men control is how they express their love. And embracing that control whole-heartedly and without reservation allows them to open up and then express their love outside of strictly just being controlling. It actually has been my experience that many of these men have been very frustrated with the women in their lives who reject all or some of their control (even submissives), and their desire to use that control to protect them, and it causes them to shut down and withhold love in general. So for them, again, the safety of the ultimate trust in them that someone like me holds as their property allows them to open up and express their love in exactly the way that they want - and it includes a lot of control (swoons).

Hope this makes sense. i'm sure i'll wind up adding to it as the thread goes on.....

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 2/2/2010 7:07:50 AM >

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 8

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 7:10:39 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

A slightly different bit, going more along the topic heading, as opposed to the body of the message. Very specifically, the how long does it take for love to develop part.

I want to put this disclaimer out there first. What I'm about to say here doesn't mean that I don't believe that some folks really do experience love at first sight. My other half will tell you that he knew from the minute he saw Me that he was in love and that's held for over nine years. I honestly believe that happens for some people.

However, your thread title struck Me in a different way. That being, literally, how long does it take love to evolve. While love at first sight happens, there is also the kind of love that doesn't start out as being love at all, but is something that grows in time. I tend to think that most people (BDSM included between them or not) don't particularly love each other when they first meet, but love is something that develops between them. It's more an over time, rather than an over night kind of thing.

As someone who primarily begins in a dynamic that is basically service oriented, that's very much how I see My interactions in D/s. Affection is something that grows as the bond grows. It's one of those things that happens organically. It's not any more instantaneous than intimacy or deep trust. There's a building period that takes time. How long that is varies from person to person and situation to situation. I couldn't sit here and say it takes a year of someone serving Me to love them, but I would say that it's something that tends to happen after an extended period.

Probably not what you were looking for, but just My two cents from one of us who may have a different take on the subject.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to Scheherazade67)

Post #: 9

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 7:13:46 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
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Ah yes, i'll answer the other question now too (drinks more tea) - for me the love has come relatively quickly, within the space of a few months. Nothing crazy or "rushing", but no holding back on either of our parts either.

eta: i'm not necessarily a "love at first sight" person - i do withhold some judgment for compatibility - but i'm also an inherently emotional person so i tend to feel that "connection" much sooner than some. And i'm sure i draw the same to me. As LadyPact points out, it is different in every relationship - i'm just pointing out that i don't necessarily see "control" as meaning that developing love moves more slowly, or doesn't develop at all.

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 2/2/2010 7:16:53 AM >

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 1:46:48 PM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
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I think I *love* people that I'm responsible for. I can't think of a single person that I've loved that I didn't feel responsible for in SOME way. I don't feel at all responsble for M, so I'm not surprised that I don't *love* him or don't know whether I do or not.

Yes, I control my feelings, it would be mayhem if I didn't to some extent, but expressing them is really easy too. I don't have a problem expressing them, it's just not always beneficial , needed or wise.

We don't have a service OR a casual relationship........but it's not a *love* one either. Who does what to whom, who loves who and why really is a bridge too far for me. If he doesn't love me and I still want to be here , then despite that , there's an awful lot of wonderful stuff going on. If this ISN'T love , then this is what I prefer.

agirl

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 11

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 2:05:42 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
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quote:

In your current and previous romantic relationships that also involved D/s and/or kink, how long has it taken to discover whether or not you love your partner? Have you felt that you needed to control your feelings and emotions, or does expressing them come easily?

It varies and yes I do control them to a point..long enough to make sure it's what I'm feeling..Also to make sure the person I'm with is a good match for me.

I'm a very affectionate person and can get attached to people I see as good or good for me, easily. I'm careful to take time so that I may figure the person out but I'm also aware of the need..at least for myself...not to hinder the "natural" progression of a relationship.

Love plays a great part in why I'm here and I wouldn't have the kink with out it..I can be an all or nothing kinda guy at times, believe it or not.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 12

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 2:10:20 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
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quote:

i just dont think alot of men are terribly good with that sort of stuff. casting my mind back, i actually cant recall a vanilla boyfriend ever saying he loved me, a few asked me to marry them, but 'i love you' wasnt a phrase that tripped off their lips easily.

That's a shame.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 13

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 2:14:47 PM

TopChuck

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Joined: 1/1/2008
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agirl

There's a difference between "love" and "loving". Loving is the act; the manifestation. "Love" is inert; a state of being.

Maybe loving him involves trusting, accepting, appreciating, while his cherishing, understanding, and respecting you, is his way of "loving" you.

As you can see, by comparing those elements that are different for each, that being responsible for him isn't in the equation for you, while being responsible for you is in his equation of loving you.

Maybe in loving those others it was according to your definition of being loved, rather than what it was that made them feel loved.

Being loved is defined by the recipient, not the lover.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 14

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 2:19:10 PM

OMGlikegagme

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Joined: 1/22/2010
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I'm a romantic by nature, and in romantic relationships I am both sincere and demonstrative. In the context of a D/s relationship, however, romance doesn't enter in for me. The emotional attachment required with a woman who is topping me is mutual affection, and some level of friendship, however casual.

There's never really been a time when I've needed to "control" my emotions, I just don't happen to form that kind of emotional attachment to a person with whom I'm in that kind of dynamic.

I've known a number of people, male and female, who have found rewarding, enriching, successful romantic relationships in a D/s relationship. I just don't happen to be wired that way. For me, play is best when it is ludic, boisterous, even riotous. Romance is that way too, at times, but it requires, for me, an additional level of intimacy that shuts down when I am in the mood to play.

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 15

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 4:37:17 PM

jstkrs

Posts: 61
Joined: 1/23/2010
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My situation is a bit different than most. We are both happily married to other people. I entered my relationship with Master with no intention of falling in love. But for me, with trust comes love(or vice versa) and as much as I fought against it, two months in I allowed myself to fall in love. Every time I see him I a fall a little more. But in two years I have only told him a dozen or so times, but I demonstrate my love every time I submit. I think it makes him uncomfortable to hear me express my love, so I only say it when I feel my heart will explode if I don't.
Master very often is emotionaly distant though he does demonstrate how very much he cares for me every time we play. He is extremely passionate. As much as I would love to know that he loves me, to hear those words, I would never push the issue. I don't know how polyamorous heart is and I do not seek to cause him trouble in his marriage.

So the short answers:
How long has it taken to discover whether or not you love your partner?
Two months and a little more every day.
Have you felt that you needed to control your feelings and emotions, or does expressing them come easily?
As a general rule I demonstrate and express my love fairly easily. However in the context of my present relationship, I am bound by the situation. ?I don't tell him I love him because I love him????

(in reply to OMGlikegagme)

Post #: 16

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 5:15:46 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I knew quite quickly that I loved him and I've never held back my emotions. I may not have always acted on my emotions though only because the time hasn't been right to display them at certain times.

I would never want to be with a man who felt he had to hold back either. I want someone who is wholely human and isn't shy or insecure about who he is and what he feels.

I have been with men who held back, who were cold, aloof, who thought that to be a "Dom" meant he could not be emotional, could not love and to be honest..it was a miserable life. I have no desire to ever live like that ever again. I need the whole picture, the whole man...not just bits and pieces.

(in reply to jstkrs)

Post #: 17

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/2/2010 6:49:59 PM

Andalusite

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Joined: 1/25/2009
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LP, I was trying to ask both - how long it has taken people to love their partner, and also, once they did, if they had difficulty expressing it verbally.

My Master isn't aloof or cold, but he hasn't expressed love for me so far, just caring and affection. After my last relationship, when we first got together, I let him know that was very important to me. I didn't expect it right away. Since we've known each other for 9 months, and I've been his girlfriend and slave for 7, I figure that if he doesn't feel that way about me, it's not likely to change.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 18

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/3/2010 6:15:56 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TopChuck

agirl

There's a difference between "love" and "loving". Loving is the act; the manifestation. "Love" is inert; a state of being.

Maybe loving him involves trusting, accepting, appreciating, while his cherishing, understanding, and respecting you, is his way of "loving" you.

As you can see, by comparing those elements that are different for each, that being responsible for him isn't in the equation for you, while being responsible for you is in his equation of loving you.

Maybe in loving those others it was according to your definition of being loved, rather than what it was that made them feel loved.

Being loved is defined by the recipient, not the lover.

I very much agree with the part I highlighted in red.

As we don't discuss *love* and it's certainly not something he's ever said to me in over a decade of knowing him, it really is a non-issue.

For me, it doesn't matter if he *loves* me or not......and it doesn't really matter if I love him..........we're content with how things are and both us of know that the other cares very much. It doesn't really matter if it's *deep affection* or *huge fondness* if you're content and happy with the way your other half is toward you.

I don't need to describe these things as *love* because it makes no difference nor would it alter anything.

agirl

(in reply to TopChuck)

Post #: 19

RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 2/3/2010 6:22:37 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

LP, I was trying to ask both - how long it has taken people to love their partner, and also, once they did, if they had difficulty expressing it verbally.

My Master isn't aloof or cold, but he hasn't expressed love for me so far, just caring and affection. After my last relationship, when we first got together, I let him know that was very important to me. I didn't expect it right away. Since we've known each other for 9 months, and I've been his girlfriend and slave for 7, I figure that if he doesn't feel that way about me, it's not likely to change.

How does his care and affection make you feel? If he said * I love you* what would be different? Do you think he'd behave in a different way toward you if he loved you? And how do you need it expressed to *feel* that he does?

agirl

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 20

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