TopChuck
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I write this post against my better judgment.
quote:
Andalusite: It's not exactly that he and I have different definitions of love, as far as I can tell, but rather than whatever his definition of it, he doesn't think that he feels that way about me.
What does he do that makes you feel loved? What do you do that makes him feel loved? Are they the same things?
Metaphors are being mixed, as usual, when discussing "love". There's "love" the noun, which is a state of being. There's "love" the verb, which is active.
The questions above refer to "loving", the verb. (Who cares about the state of being "in love", if it's not manifested. It's being loved actively that we care about; not hearing that someone loves us, but never shows it. For proof, see earlier answers about being told "I love you".)
(Although, being told can help as long as it reinforces the verb. Being told, when actions don't convey the feeling of being loved can be counterproductive, because that awakens the female logic and her response is disbelief. My previous post(s) attempted to express that desire by the female to be "verbally stroked", when they feel loved. It's like an evolutionary commitment that he'll protect the female, her egg and her progeny, while the offspring move toward maturation.)
Some would say that when she extends that first bit of trust, in exchange for being cared for (cherished), an "act of love" is taking place. The "act of loving" continues and gets deeper as long as that exchange is taking place. When the exchange stops, loving stops.
In order to understand the significant difference between how men and women define being loved, it's necessary to understand that human neurological, biological, and sociological evolution has created two separate animals, in the same species.
The most significant difference is in brain structure. Women have many more synapses (connections) between their emotional and logical brains than men. It's almost impossible to get a woman to the point where she totally ignores her logical brain. Her logical brain is always there to interrupt her, but this also makes her a great generalist. She can truly multi-task.
Her comfort zone is her emotional brain.
That logical-emotional brain connection is why she is so hard to arouse. That's why everything in her life is "foreplay." The more a man can get her to trust him and move her into her emotional comfort zone and ignore her logical brain, the more loving she is. He does this by understanding her, cherishing her, and respecting her. He builds her trust this way. He feels accepted and appreciated by her entrusting him with her care. It helps that she truly does accept and appreciate him, in addition to trusting him. She loves his caring, understanding and respect and trusts, accepts and appreciates in exchange.
Males evolved as hunters. Their prehistoric and much of their modern survival depended on their ability to hone in on prey (to various degrees); to exclude extraneous thought coming from their emotional brains. When the male logical brain is turned on, the emotional brain is turned off. The lack of synapses (connections) between those two brain areas make him a great specialist and a lousy generalist. (He doesn't multi-task. He does tasks separately, but hones in on each, one at a time.)
His comfort zone is his logical brain.
He moves there by being in control. Cherishing, understanding, respecting his woman are things he does while in his logical mind. (As well as using the channel changer, mowing the lawn, and tinkering with the pickup truck.) He's not thinking about his own emotions, because he's disconnected from them, while his logical mind is turned on. He can make a logical judgment about being loved, because he judges the level of trust, acceptance and appreciation he's induced by his cherishing, understanding and respecting.
To make a statement of loving emotionally, he would have to shut down his logical brain or logically realize that he is "loving" you - the verb - and means that when he says "I love you." He's more interested in eliciting the female emotional feeling of being loved and he is using his logical brain to do that. But men who realize that "loving" is an action, also realize that it helps elicit that feeling they are trying to create in the emotional mind of the female by expressing it verbally.
(Don't ask me how to teach this to a man. Men can't be taught. They can only learn, based on their own desires and readiness.)
The fact that D/s creates this movement of each into their comfort zones is the real secret of why these relationships succeed.
(In fact, if you examine successful 'vanilla' relationships, you will probably find the same elements being exchanged. I guess that would mean that there is no such thing as 'vanilla', huh? Vanilla doesn't lack D/s, it merely lacks kink - kink that could help by moving people into their mind comfort zones. We ARE sooooooo lucky!)
So, men are loving from their logical minds and it takes a long time to reach that point where there's a true emotional involvement; meaning that it takes place in the male's emotional mind. And, when it happens, it's more of a deep admiration of her as a woman who actively loves him.
(It's hard to express, because my emotional mind is presently turned off.)
It's separate and can't even be felt, when he's in his logical mind, because he can't feel it. He can only remember it.
There's a lot more to this than I can write in a single post - maybe more than I should have already written.
Suffice it to say that acceptance of the 'separate animal paradigm' is necessary to understand how humans love each other.
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RE: Control of emotions, and how long has it taken for ... - 
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