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Is it odd? - 2/4/2010 10:52:21 PM

LeBlueDude

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/4/2010
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Is it odd that I want my dom to earn my trust before I let them dom?

I can't imagine myself willing to sub for a random stranger off the street unless someone I trusted a great deal wanted me to. I run off of trust, and for my friends, (who are the people I trust) I would do pretty much anything. I recently had a domme, who contacted ME by the way, get hyper offended when I asked her questions about what she would do for me, what she liked, who she was, what she was interested in. She acted like it was strange that I didn't go belly up for her.

I can't understand why I would though. I want someone I can trust. I'm not going to roll over to some stranger and let them wipe their feet on me, it needs to be someone I know. It's not a one way relationship. I expect my domme to love and cherish me, and to always build me up stronger when they're done tearing me down.

Is that so odd or wrong?

I don't want any specific sexual situations. I don't have any special fantasies. I just want to trust. I want Emotion. I want Love. And in exchange for love, I will do anything that won't kill me.

< Message edited by LeBlueDude -- 2/4/2010 10:59:36 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Is it odd? - 2/4/2010 10:59:14 PM

WyldHrt

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
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Nope! Nothing wrong or odd about it.

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Post #: 2

RE: Is it odd? - 2/4/2010 11:37:58 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LeBlueDude

Is it odd that I want my dom to earn my trust before I let them dom?

You're obviously not a TWOO sub!!!

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It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to LeBlueDude)

Post #: 3

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 3:41:32 AM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
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If you're wrong, you're wrong in good company.

I feel the exact same way, and I've known both other subs, and perhaps more relevant to your situation, doms, who feel that way too.

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

Post #: 4

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 5:36:04 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

nope, it's not odd at all; the problem is, that they are a top and you are a bottom until a relationship is established, and it seems to me the people you are meeting aren't getting the connection because they want to 'play' the part of your dom/domme but not actually be your dom/domme.

(in reply to LeBlueDude)

Post #: 5

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 5:52:09 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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From what I've seen of the Dommes here, they are sick and tired of the subs that want only play, without a relationship. I suspect that the Domme that contacted you may have had more testosterone and less estrogen than you realize. Especially if "she" had the time to contact subs based on their profiles.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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Post #: 6

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 6:31:11 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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This is not odd. This is right minded thinking. Trust is an important element to ANY intimate relationship regardless of dynamic.

lovingpet

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Post #: 7

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 7:07:20 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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it woud be odd for this slave, but then, she is an odd duck.

this slave doesn't perceive love, trust or even respect as something that folks must earn from her...it is something she gives freely.

folks certainly can do and say things to lose the respect and trust this slave has given them from the get-go...and plenty of folks have...but, to date, no one has "earned" or "bartered for" this slave's submission, trust, love or respect.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 2/5/2010 7:09:00 AM >

(in reply to LeBlueDude)

Post #: 8

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 7:21:43 AM

dragonseeker

Posts: 554
Status: offline

i don't think it's odd, i kinda think it's healthy ... especially if you are looking for a serious long-term relationship. Trust creates safety within the relationship.

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Post #: 9

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 8:03:56 AM

lovingpet

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

it woud be odd for this slave, but then, she is an odd duck.

this slave doesn't perceive love, trust or even respect as something that folks must earn from her...it is something she gives freely.

folks certainly can do and say things to lose the respect and trust this slave has given them from the get-go...and plenty of folks have...but, to date, no one has "earned" or "bartered for" this slave's submission, trust, love or respect.

While, I approach things much the same way, I think there is a difference between the deference I give as part and parcel of their humanity and that which has developed with a close friend, intimate partner, or dear family member. I have to have both in order for deep intimacy to develop.

lovingpet

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10 Fluffy pts.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 10

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 8:30:06 AM

QuirkyAnne

Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
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It's not odd, it's healthy and displays a good grasp of common sense.

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Post #: 11

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 9:12:36 AM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

I think it's smart and it shows a degree of confidence in yourself that may threaten less-condident Dom/mes. I'd say it's their loss.

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(in reply to QuirkyAnne)

Post #: 12

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 9:48:52 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I wonder why so many people come here and post and ask if their feelings are odd.

What is odd about wanting a full fledged relationship with all the emotions actively engaged.

I am sad that so many people seem to doubt themselves.

(in reply to lucylucy)

Post #: 13

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 10:22:46 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

From what I've seen of the Dommes here, they are sick and tired of the subs that want only play, without a relationship. I suspect that the Domme that contacted you may have had more testosterone and less estrogen than you realize. Especially if "she" had the time to contact subs based on their profiles.

This.

OP, you're being perfectly reasonable, in your search. The only thing I find odd about your post is that you even posed that question. Why let others' stupidity cause you to question your own wisdom?

Block and delete the losers who would waste your time.

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(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 14

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 10:31:14 AM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

OP, you're being perfectly reasonable, in your search. The only thing I find odd about your post is that you even posed that question. Why let others' stupidity cause you to question your own wisdom?

If the OP's experience on the dating side of Collarme is anything like mine, the level sensibility displayed on this forum is not reflected in the personals. When 95% of the people treat you as though there's something wrong with you if you aren't worshiping them from the first message, then you start to think "Is it just me...?"

The more sensible members here on the forums have saved my sanity a number of times!

< Message edited by WestBaySlave -- 2/5/2010 10:35:15 AM >

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 15

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 10:40:34 AM

HisSub1213

Posts: 219
Joined: 11/3/2008
Status: offline

~FR~

I think its prefectly reasonable as well.

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Fear is the mother of morality. (Friedrich Nietzsche)

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 16

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 11:27:26 AM

winterrose77

Posts: 114
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeBlueDude

Is it odd that I want my dom to earn my trust before I let them dom?

No. You want a relationship, not casual sex, and the safest way to go about having a D/s relationship is to build up trust and care before doing anything "dangerous". If it's what you want, you have every right to go about your search for a relationship based off of that desire. You are first and foremost an individual, and you need to look out for yourself while you're single. You're doing the right, and the most commonly supported thing for any submissive seeking a dom to do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeBlueDude

I can't imagine myself willing to sub for a random stranger off the street unless someone I trusted a great deal wanted me to. I run off of trust, and for my friends, (who are the people I trust) I would do pretty much anything. I recently had a domme, who contacted ME by the way, get hyper offended when I asked her questions about what she would do for me, what she liked, who she was, what she was interested in. She acted like it was strange that I didn't go belly up for her.

If you don't like it, can't picture it in a realistic sense, and wouldn't do it without a certain prerequisite quality, that means you're doing it right. You have set limits for yourself which result in you having a sort of 'safety net' so as to find a partner while remaining true to yourself. Being someone who 'runs off of trust', you know where your strengths lie and you're recognizing and depending upon that. That's smart.

Offended doms are never good. If you manage to offend a dom who doesn't know you and who you don't know, especially while trying to get to know them, they usually have something to hide and are covering up panic by trying to make you back down and never go there again. It's only once you know what a dom expects from you and what you need to be doing to be 'good' that that dom has any right to be offended or judgemental of you. You asked all the right questions of this lady, and she gave you the wrong answers, failing the test. No need to linger over the specifics; she wasn't right for you and you were right to move on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeBlueDude

I can't understand why I would though. I want someone I can trust. I'm not going to roll over to some stranger and let them wipe their feet on me, it needs to be someone I know. It's not a one way relationship. I expect my domme to love and cherish me, and to always build me up stronger when they're done tearing me down.

Aftercare is one of the most important parts of building a stable relationship. If you know what you want and what you will and won't do, and you're clear in those specifications, you have every right to impose those situations on potential doms. Let them know your expectations. Some will honor them, some won't. It's up to you to make sure they know, and up to them to make sure YOU know what THEY expect and want from you. Talk it out from there. D/s isn't an abusive type of relationship, when done right. Make sure that's always a common fact.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeBlueDude

I don't want any specific sexual situations. I don't have any special fantasies. I just want to trust. I want Emotion. I want Love. And in exchange for love, I will do anything that won't kill me.

This is called compromise, and it's the most stable foundation of any BDSM-related relationship.

You know what you want, and you know what you're willing to give in exchange for it. It's like putting up an advertisement on Ebay or Craigslist; willing to sell this item, in exchange for this item. Nobody has the right to say "Well, I want your item for nothing and you're obligated to give it to me". That's illegal.

In short, you're doing all the right things and it is no way 'odd' of you to set limitations and needs for your relationship. That's how you find the person who is right for you.

I wish you the best of luck in your search.

_____________________________

~Rose~

"I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to God I could meet somebody I could respect."
-J. D. Salinger

(in reply to LeBlueDude)

Post #: 17

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 2:11:20 PM

sugarbabylove

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

Hi LeBlueDude,

Trust and communication are the cornerstones of ANY relationship - BDSM or otherwise.

Your preferences for the type of relationship you require are as valid as any other. Only YOU know what you need and there is no reason to compromise, especially on this issue.

If a prospective dominant (m or f) cannot answer your questions sufficiently or 'throws a wobbly', walk on by. They are not what you seek and you should only submit when you feel assured in doing so.

Rx

(in reply to winterrose77)

Post #: 18

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 2:12:29 PM

LeBlueDude

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/4/2010
Status: offline

Thanks all.

I was kinda worried, especially 'cause it happened a couple more times. I feel much less nervous about it now that I know that by following my instincts I was probably doing the correct thing. I worry sometimes because, honestly, I dislike offending people. It makes me flustered. What's worse is I'm a bit of a prude... I'm mentaly uncomfortable talking about sex and sexuality unless I put on my 'outside face'. Which is... a mask that allows me to interact with other people instead of shrinking away like a shy little flower. I've often charged things that scare me, so I can also be too forwards with other people sometimes...

That's another reason I want someone I can trust. very little would scare me if I was with someone I trusted, and so I wouldn't be prone to 'charging' and getting too deep too quickly.

So when people get offended... I worry.
Thanks for the reassurance.
*Hugs for everyone!*

(in reply to winterrose77)

Post #: 19

RE: Is it odd? - 2/5/2010 2:35:05 PM

Ladynslave

Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeBlueDude

Is it odd that I want my dom to earn my trust before I let them dom?

I find it more odd when subs do roll over belly up. Yes, it may be a display of courage that they are willing to sub to me on the first email, but there has never been express permission from either side to that kind of relationship. Personally, it just puts me in mind of they would roll over for anyone that even gave them a stern glance. Not my kind of sub. Good for you in wanting trust and asking questions.

Lady

_____________________________

Women and cats will do what they please. Men and dogs need to relax and get used to the idea.

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(in reply to LeBlueDude)

Post #: 20

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