RE: Married - is this then cheating

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pot -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 4:24:18 PM)
Sorry for not having been answering this qustion before - but the answer is no I havent been/acting this with anyone before - and again I cant see me in this beside my fantasy.. that being mindvice and cybervice..

SthrnCom4t -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 6:38:51 PM)
Pot - I'd just like to give you a bit of warning about cyber. You think you are safe. You think you are within the negotiated boundaries (of your vows, etc). The mental connection with another person, the communication with another, is an exchange of energy. If you met the right connection, the temptation gets incredibly strong. Especially when you start connecting on levels other than your kinks. The test of whether or not it IS cheating, is to share the fact with your wife. See if what's happening is of any interest to her. You can use the term "erotic roleplay" which doesn't necessarily out you as kinky. There are a lot of gamers into ERP, although my understanding is that they remove it one level by claiming 'their characters' are interacting, so its not really them. If online role play is something that is satisfying to you, and there's no need to go any further, then being open and transparent about what you are doing, gets you out of the hot seat, because its no longer a deceitful act. You mentioned above that your wife has never complained about your lack of attentiveness, or willingness to help around the house. That is a good sign, and I hope that she's the type of woman who would actually tell you if she felt there was something lacking. Some people don't like confrontation, and will put up with a lot. They become dissatisfied, but they don't share, they just drift apart. Over time, other activities take their time and attention. They do have fun sharing some things, but usually it's not each other, as much as it's a companionship, and shared enjoyment of an activity (like watching a movie or going bowling.) I guess what I'm saying is that I have both seen and been part of a relationship that 'went to sleep' because conscious effort wasn't put into the other person. When you compare that to the red hot, soul-touching, purely electrifying energetic exchange found with BDSM, there's really little comparison. So, I would just caution you to BEWARE. (I've been down that road).

LadyPact -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 6:51:28 PM)
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AquaticSub -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 6:59:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SthrnCom4t The test of whether or not it IS cheating, is to share the fact with your wife. See if what's happening is of any interest to her. You can use the term "erotic roleplay" which doesn't necessarily out you as kinky. There are a lot of gamers into ERP, although my understanding is that they remove it one level by claiming 'their characters' are interacting, so its not really them. Just as aside, as a gamer who does indulge in erotic role-play in the context of, basically, two people writing a steamy romance novel with great plot, I truly don't see how it's a "claim". When my character attacks orcs in a non-erotic scene, it's not me so I don't see how it's me when my character is enjoying post-fight sex. Now, I can see how it would bother some people that their partners did such. For some people, their partners writing erotic stories would bother them. Of course, it does depend on the style of erotic RP. Like all things in life, there is no one way to enjoy this particular pastime and some are more character and plot-based than others.

pot -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 7:00:30 PM)
SrhrnCom4t - thanks alot for your answer and your deep thoughts - your really have some insight I can relate to - so thanks again. Regarding my wife - and that goes for me too - we do confrontate but I have to say thats really seldom which comes from our believes that not everything can be perfect but you can try to make it. I would very much like to hear if you have other thoughts as you seems to have not only knowledge but also have a good way to communicate that makes one want to listen.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 7:03:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub quote: ORIGINAL: SthrnCom4t The test of whether or not it IS cheating, is to share the fact with your wife. See if what's happening is of any interest to her. You can use the term "erotic roleplay" which doesn't necessarily out you as kinky. There are a lot of gamers into ERP, although my understanding is that they remove it one level by claiming 'their characters' are interacting, so its not really them. Just as aside, as a gamer who does indulge in erotic role-play in the context of, basically, two people writing a steamy romance novel with great plot, I truly don't see how it's a "claim". When my character attacks orcs in a non-erotic scene, it's not me so I don't see how it's me when my character is enjoying post-fight sex. Now, I can see how it would bother some people that their partners did such. For some people, their partners writing erotic stories would bother them. Of course, it does depend on the style of erotic RP. Like all things in life, there is no one way to enjoy this particular pastime and some are more character and plot-based than others. I think this all lays in the person's intent. There is a difference in getting lost in a game, in a fantasy, your partner being aware of it, and focussing your energies on an unlived fantasy... it's definitely not a black and white. I often say if you feel guilty about it, then you are more than likely doing something wrong. Either that or you have issues you need to deal with. Then again, I know serial cheaters that feel no remorse... again, it's definitely not a black and white. - LA

AquaticSub -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 7:06:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SthrnCom4t When you compare that to the red hot, soul-touching, purely electrifying energetic exchange found with BDSM, there's really little comparison. Also, that electric exchange is not a guarentee. If a person isn't willing to put in the work, any BDSM relationship will turn into a relationship of convinence. The people are already there. Adding the element of BDSM to a relationship isn't going to magically take out the work or fix any problems in the relationships. Take care Pot. That red-hot fire isn't exclusive to BDSM and it's just as easy for a BDSM couple to fall prey to the humdrum of daily life without work.

pot -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 7:07:08 PM)
LadyPact thanks for those links - I wil be reading them

AquaticSub -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 7:09:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub Just as aside, as a gamer who does indulge in erotic role-play in the context of, basically, two people writing a steamy romance novel with great plot, I truly don't see how it's a "claim". When my character attacks orcs in a non-erotic scene, it's not me so I don't see how it's me when my character is enjoying post-fight sex. Now, I can see how it would bother some people that their partners did such. For some people, their partners writing erotic stories would bother them. Of course, it does depend on the style of erotic RP. Like all things in life, there is no one way to enjoy this particular pastime and some are more character and plot-based than others. I think this all lays in the person's intent. There is a difference in getting lost in a game, in a fantasy, your partner being aware of it, and focussing your energies on an unlived fantasy... it's definitely not a black and white. I often say if you feel guilty about it, then you are more than likely doing something wrong. Either that or you have issues you need to deal with. Then again, I know serial cheaters that feel no remorse... again, it's definitely not a black and white. - LA Definately not a black and white. For me, it's not me. It is the characters. My characters have personality aspects that I have and some I don't. They all have some general kinks that I have because I want to enjoy it but each expresses their sexuality a little differently. It's also not something I'm ashamed of. Valyraen is well aware that I do this as he does the same thing. Sometimes we RP with each other, a lot of times we don't. But our computers are side-by-side so we generally know what the other is up to. [:)]

LadyAngelika -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 7:15:20 PM)
quote: Definately not a black and white. For me, it's not me. It is the characters. My characters have personality aspects that I have and some I don't. They all have some general kinks that I have because I want to enjoy it but each expresses their sexuality a little differently. It's also not something I'm ashamed of. Valyraen is well aware that I do this as he does the same thing. Sometimes we RP with each other, a lot of times we don't. But our computers are side-by-side so we generally know what the other is up to. Oh it's like first person shooter games. I'm not nearly the video game aficionado that you are AquaticSub, but I have my moments! I think I've freaked out a person or two when I'd scream out "Die Fucker! Die!" in the heat of the game. What you have there is an emotional distance. I wrote about this 10 years ago doing an in-depth analysis of girl gamers, boy avatars vs. girl avatars, focussing Lara Croft (Tomb Raider). What I discovered is that it wasn't so important to play a certain race, gender, species because it was role play. Girls just like L.C. because the option was there. The thing is, coming online to fulfill a sexual fantasy as one's self is different. In this scenario, the line of game and reality is blurred. In the end, I think it is up to every individual to self-monitor. In the end, we have to live with our own consciences. - LA

thaprincess -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 8:57:26 PM)
Pot, it may start out as a fantasy, but the more you get to know this person your playing with in cyber space, the more the line can become blurred. Real life starts to slip into your conversations and along with that real emotions are fostered which cultivate into real feelings. Then what? Then you find yourself thinking about Miss Cyberspace all the time, during your normal day to day routine. I can tell you this is true from experience because it's exactly how I ended up falling in love with my ex boyfriend, but I digress. To answer your original question, if you can't do whatever activity you want to do with significant other being fully aware of what it is you're doing, then to me it's cheating. And emotional cheating hurts as much as the physical, just something to think about.

SthrnCom4t -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/12/2010 10:03:50 PM)
quote: I would very much like to hear if you have other thoughts as you seems to have not only knowledge but also have a good way to communicate that makes one want to listen. You are welcome to email me privately, or continue to ask questions here, whichever you feel most comfortable doing.

azjojoba -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/13/2010 12:48:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes Actually, most of us don't go outside the relationship in the way that you and the OP desire to. We want our partners to be on the table with what is going on. One of the underlying principles for most people in BDSM is consent. If a significant other doesn't know what is going on, then they can't consent to it. For me consent isn't an issue, therefore your comment is somewhat irrelevant.

azjojoba -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/13/2010 12:49:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes It's Karen, and yeah, that's pretty much our feelings (although we are not monogamous at any time ... obviously). We are open and honest about it, and there is no sneaking, or lying, or hiding what we are doing. Monogamy is, for us, highly overrated ... fidelity, however, is not. You might be surprised, but I agree with you on both points.

wittynamehere -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/13/2010 12:50:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pot Hi Being somehow confused with my acting - having a profile here - I am currious to know if this should be considered cheating - I am married and she is absolute only into vanilla stuff, and I could not scare her with my obsessions - and this domination thing is getting on to me. I could never do this in physics it just have to be a mindplay (as until now). Let me have your honest oppinion - thanks //pot IMO, if you are doing something the other person would be upset by if they knew, then you're betraying them.

SweetDommes -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/13/2010 4:08:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: azjojoba quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes Actually, most of us don't go outside the relationship in the way that you and the OP desire to. We want our partners to be on the table with what is going on. One of the underlying principles for most people in BDSM is consent. If a significant other doesn't know what is going on, then they can't consent to it. For me consent isn't an issue, therefore your comment is somewhat irrelevant. Actually, no it's not. The reason that most people feel that what the OP is doing is wrong is because it's affecting someone else (the wife) without her consent. And I would be willing to bet that she would feel the same way. My point was that we DON'T feel ourselves to be "angels" or whatever ... but we can still be completely against cheating - and the situation presented in the OP is cheating.

azjojoba -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/13/2010 10:47:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Being as someone who also doesn't have the balls to tell his wife what he's doing, I'm sure you do sympathize with the OP. When you grow a pair, you may actually have some constructive advice. My balls are quite big because they are swollen from under use. Just because my advice doesn't agree with your judgmental attitude doesn't mean they aren't constructive!

LadyPact -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/14/2010 12:35:20 AM)
Awwww. Poor baby. Under sexed? No surprise to Me. Most women don't want to fuck anyone they don't find attractive. Have you ever taken a moment to consider why your wife has no interest in you? I'll bet it didn't start out that way. Hmmm. I wonder what changed? You may think your balls are bigger, but I've got more backbone than you've displayed. I've had "the talk". I've been in that position. I'm no stranger to what it feels like to be afraid of what will happen when I spilled My guts, wanting to come back to this life. Was it easy? Fuck no. I did it anyway. Yes, I was scared. Yes, there could have been many possible outcomes. Yes, I still stood up, opened My mouth, and had the courage to talk to My other half. I can promise you that, in that moment, I was scared as hell. It can happen. You have to decide what is most important to you. In My perspective, I could still walk away from all of this. My marriage is still infinitely more important than My sex life. I'm extremely lucky that I have everything that I want. But, I wouldn't have it if I didn't have the guts to reach out and get it.

thaprincess -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/14/2010 10:11:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Awwww. Poor baby. Under sexed? No surprise to Me. Most women don't want to fuck anyone they don't find attractive. Have you ever taken a moment to consider why your wife has no interest in you? I'll bet it didn't start out that way. Hmmm. I wonder what changed? You may think your balls are bigger, but I've got more backbone than you've displayed. I've had "the talk". I've been in that position. I'm no stranger to what it feels like to be afraid of what will happen when I spilled My guts, wanting to come back to this life. Was it easy? Fuck no. I did it anyway. Yes, I was scared. Yes, there could have been many possible outcomes. Yes, I still stood up, opened My mouth, and had the courage to talk to My other half. I can promise you that, in that moment, I was scared as hell. It can happen. You have to decide what is most important to you. In My perspective, I could still walk away from all of this. My marriage is still infinitely more important than My sex life. I'm extremely lucky that I have everything that I want. But, I wouldn't have it if I didn't have the guts to reach out and get it. She makes some good points here. A real man (or woman for that matter) would communicate their wants, needs, and desires with their partner, even if they were afraid of what the outcome may be.

Jeffff -> RE: Married - is this then cheating (2/14/2010 10:16:48 AM)
I always find it sad that folks resort to cheating because any other course of action is..... inconvenient. Jeff

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