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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 8:46:16 AM

curious001

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I don't know if he is "going to cut and run". It could have been said out of shock. I don't know. I know he has a lot to deal with right now and two other kids to worry about. No not married.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 8:50:08 AM

RCdc

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You have his home phone? Know where he lives?
I have to say that I am cynical that this is true... unless you have heard from other family members and have physical access other than email... then I would focus on yourself.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 8:53:40 AM

curious001

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Yes I have his phone number and knows where he lives. I also know that its true. I have his son's obituary from the newspaper.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 8:59:08 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

When I am hurting, I retreat until I can cope with other people wanting any sort of energy from me.

Quoted for truth and relevence.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 8:59:18 AM

RCdc

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Then just wait. But in the meantime, you could get some help yourself and talk to a specialist yourself on how you can support him when he gets back in touch?

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 9:00:55 AM

LadyPact

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I think you've received some very good thoughts on this thread. Both the non cynical and the cynical. (Which, I wouldn't even call it cynical and would more likely say it is one of the possibilities.)

While you do very much feel for the difficulty that this person is going through at this time, if he told you that you are the last person he wants to deal with, respect that until such time that he no longer feels that way. It is entirely possible that the father in this case is dealing with, not only grief, but potentially some guilt as well. Whether that has anything to do with you, BDSM, or any other thing, may be what is prompting him to have these feelings. If you have sent your condolences, that is the courteous thing to do. At that point, leave it be and allow the man to process his grief in the way that he sees fit. You are not a family member or a long term friend. If it were Me, I would want you to respect My wishes in My time of sorrow.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 2/11/2010 9:01:16 AM >

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 9:02:29 AM

stella41b

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Time heals and the truth comes out, so I would take it at face value and be there for him, echoing much of what the other posters have written before. It's worth understanding that the way in which we face up to this and grieve is about as individual as the way in which we die, and because this is immediate family this isn't something he's going to get over but something which will remain with him. The fact that it's offspring and it's suicide only makes it that much harder for him. Be there for him and leave the lines of contact open...

.. and wait... I'm afraid that's all you can do right now.

I'm not cynical enough to doubt what he is saying because if it ever came out that it was an excuse it would exclude that person from my life permanently.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 9:20:34 AM

shannie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001

Yes I have his phone number and knows where he lives. I also know that its true. I have his son's obituary from the newspaper.

I agree with those who said that there is little you can do or say, besides being as gentle and unobtrusive as possible.

It hurts to be cut off though (even though you know that this isn't about you, or your feelings.). Think of this: If he saw you as "an indulgence" (which is likely, in the early stages of a romantic relationship), he probably feels a deep aversion to the thought of continuing to indulge himself under these circumstances.

If there is something enduring there, he will come back around when he is ready.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 9:20:49 AM

Wolf2Bear

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quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001

Unfortunately he has shut himself off completely from me. I cannot be there with him but his family (parents, brother and two other children) will be. I sent him an email telling him that I would be there for him. Always. But now I just have to wait.

I think that is the best way to show you care and letting him know that you are still there when he is ready to reach out again. Just knowing a good friend silently lending moral support speaks volumes in my books.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 9:46:11 AM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001

I know this isn't about me. I can't help it that I hurt for him.

I do not know how long the two of you have been internet friends and lovers in real life and all, but yes you can help that you hurt for him... send him love and light and respect his wishes and move on with what is yours.

This is going to sound very much like a cold hearted thing to say, but not one person was ever uplifted by someone going down to join them in their misery. You cannot hurt enough to make him feel better, and all you accomplish by allowing that is your own sadness. As someone that struggled with the boundaries between my emotions getting mixed up with other people's emotions for the larger part of my life, I know what it is I speak of.

The best thing you can do is hold him in the most positive light you can and believe he will come out on the other side of this and find the good that there still is out there...

I wish you well....

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 2/11/2010 9:48:45 AM >

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 9:52:44 AM

Lucienne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
This is going to sound very much like a cold hearted thing to say, but not one person was ever uplifted by someone going down to join them in their misery. You cannot hurt enough to make him feel better, and all you accomplish by allowing that is your own sadness. As someone that struggled with the boundaries between my emotions getting mixed up with other people's emotions for the larger part of my life, I know what it is I speak of.

This is very wise.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 10:24:25 AM

wisdomtogive

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Curious001
I am sorry for your friend's lost, as well as yours. Death in itself bring so many feelings to it, and suicide adds a whole list in itself. At this time he needs to be alone, as he said. I know it hurts to not comfort, but you can't help him right now. He is doing what is natural for him, and in many suicide cases.

I am big on prayer and tell clients to always say a prayer in mornning and night to whom you pray too for them to help so-in-so. I offer this for many reasons but basically it lets the person feelinng left out, to be still a part of things.

Death robs us and suicide brings issues of guilt out full - force, and only time will heal this. Been there and know that plus counsel a lot in this field.

My prayers are with you and him and the son.
blessings
Wisdom

< Message edited by wisdomtogive -- 2/11/2010 10:25:59 AM >

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 11:02:58 AM

ResidentSadist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001
I don't know if he is "going to cut and run". It could have been said out of shock. I don't know. I know he has a lot to deal with right now and two other kids to worry about. No not married.

Thank you for your unabashed answers. A lot of advice packed into all these replies. Hope it gives you something to choose from. You have my best wishes and sympathy to you and yours in this time of loss.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 11:41:48 AM

Missokyst

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back off. It is what he needs, and what he requested. No contact.
Yes, you can feel badly for him and the other family members, but only they can deal with it.
You already told him you would be there. Anything more would be an invasion of what he needs to do to heal

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 12:19:22 PM

Frankseas

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Like others have said give him time and wait! It takes a long time to recover from this if ever. You let him know that you care and will wait for him.

Give him that time okay? as you seem caring and nice. And try not to let the sadness effect you as well. Take care!

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 1:08:11 PM

sublizzie

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Most people who offer sympathy and hugs to mourners actually suck energy from them. I doubt they do it on purpose or realize that's what they're doing, but being alone is a protective shield many mourners develop early on. While you probably want to give to your Dom, right now he's probably in protective mode. In time, as he's gotten through the initial blast of grief, he'll probably be back to a point where he'll be able to accept your comfort. Then again, he may not come back. People react to grief in a wide variety of ways. He may turn his back on all of this and put his attention elsewhere as penance. All you can do is care and be available if he needs you.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 1:53:58 PM

windchymes

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I can sympathize with you, OP. It hurts like a knife cutting into your heart to be cut off from someone you care about, but all you can do is remember that this is what HE needs at this time, and just take it day to day with the knowledge that when he WANTS to talk to you again, he'll contact you. Some people take heartfelt messages of concern and sympathy as an invasion of their space and "cave" time that they need to sort things out. I would just say something along the lines of "I'm here if you need anything" and leave him be. He'll contact you when he's ready.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 2:14:31 PM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001

He said he had to go and he wouldn't be back.

I don't mena to be negative, and maybe he was just talking out of grief when he said the above. But in all liklihood, he wasn't. You sent him an email and told him you were there if he needed you, now you need to let it go. If you want to wait, wait. In about a month, send him a simple email telling him you are thinking of him and hoping your note finds him healing. If he doesn't answer, move on, he isn't going to come back and talk to you.

Three months is not a long time, but apparently you were not involved in his life, and not welcome at the funeral from what you said. As a "friend" paying your respects would not be that weird, unless only immediate family was present, which I doubt.

So again, I am very sorry for your friend's loss, it's terrible to happen to anyone. And while I hate to be a naysayer, he pretty much ended the relationship and I wouldn't be expecting to hear from anytime in the future.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 2:22:11 PM

lally2

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i come across grief in my work a fair bit. i find the best way and the most sensitive way to approach anything as awful as this is to simply ask them how theyre doing - its an obvious question and leaves it open for them to pour everything out if they want to or not.

you dont want to dig and you dont want to pry. it might be that when he gets back in touch he will want to 'escape' his grief while being with you. dont feel excluded from it all. be there, as youve said you would be.

poor guy, it must be hell.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 2:30:10 PM

curious001

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For everyone telling me to leave him alone, I know this. I'm not stupid. I know that he will need a lot of time to heal. The reason I am not going to the funeral and visitation is because I do not have time off work and we live about 6-7 hours apart. Thats the only reason.

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