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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 2:31:12 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001
I've been talking to a Dom for about three months now and we have become great friends. This past Monday his 15 year old son committed suicide. He told me Tuesday morning. He said he had to go and he wouldn't be back.

Extremely common story on these boards, unfortunately. And I emphasize "story". Statistically speaking, there's about a 99.8% chance he just doesn't want to continue with your relationship, but hasn't the balls to say it.

Scans of the obituary, or it didn't happen. (And even then, one phone call is all it takes to place a fake obit.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001
For everyone telling me to leave him alone, I know this. I'm not stupid. The reason I am not going to the funeral and visitation is because I do not have time off work and we live about 6-7 hours apart. Thats the only reason.

If the only reason you're not intruding on the (fictitious) funeral is because you work that day, then you clearly don't know that you should be butting out!

< Message edited by wittynamehere -- 2/11/2010 2:36:23 PM >

(in reply to curious001)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 2:35:15 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline 		EDIT: (double clicked to add post, no option to delete own posts)


< Message edited by wittynamehere -- 2/11/2010 2:37:04 PM >

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 2:42:39 PM   
curious001


Posts: 12
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline 		You know I'm sorry I even posted this now. I was looking for some advice and positive thoughts. I really didn't expect the sarcastic and cold resposes that I have received from some of you. This was a real person whether you believe it or not.

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 2:44:50 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001

You know I'm sorry I even posted this now. I was looking for some advice and positive thoughts. I really didn't expect the sarcastic and cold resposes that I have received from some of you. This was a real person whether you believe it or not.


He did not read the entire thread... he just answered your OP... so for those who are only answering the OP, well the info in the OP is what one encounters when people want to end online relationships...




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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 2:50:02 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere


Scans of the obituary, or it didn't happen. (And even then, one phone call is all it takes to place a fake obit.)



WRONG.

They cannot legally print obits in the newspaper unless the information comes from the Funeral Home itself, who verifies that there is actually a dead body. They will not accept a phone call from family. I know this from personal experience. When my mother died, she donated her body to science, and there was no funeral home involved. When I tried to call in the obituary, they would not accept the information from me. They called the medical school and verified that she was actually there, and actually dead, before they would print it.

They do this just for that reason, to keep people from calling in fake obits.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 2/11/2010 2:51:23 PM >

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 2:50:42 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001

You know I'm sorry I even posted this now. I was looking for some advice and positive thoughts. I really didn't expect the sarcastic and cold resposes that I have received from some of you. This was a real person whether you believe it or not.


I have no doubt that it was a real person who is devastated by the loss of their child. What I'm saying is that telling you "he won't be back," shouldn't be taken so lightly as though it was just his grief talking. It might be, but it might not be. After three months and a 6-7 hour drive between you, the time you spent together face to face was probably not that much. It would be wonderful if he wrote or called you a month or so down the road, but I'm sorry to tell you that you shouldn't count on it happening.

You can get as pissy as you like about it. You said he has other children to take care of. He told you he wouldn't be back. I understand how this saddens you, how you wish you could be there for him and how you had strong feelings for him. That doesn't mean he feels the same way. I personally wouldn't be able to write off someone that I was developing a relationship with when tragedy struck. I may not want the dynamic, but I would welcome their support and kind words, not turn them away.

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 3:08:44 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

I personally wouldn't be able to write off someone that I was developing a relationship with when tragedy struck. I may not want the dynamic, but I would welcome their support and kind words, not turn them away.


I don't know, if my son killed himself, I might check out right behind him... although i have no other children. Even if I had significant feelings for someone else I do not think I would want to deal with anyone or anything ever again..

This is the type of tragedy some people never bounce back from....


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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 3:10:30 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		curious -
You are justified to feel the way you do.  Understand that some people post these scenarios many times and until you clarified that you have already confirmed the death, people are just cynical though.
I can understand it's not particularly helpful.  What some people fail to realise is that even just as a friend, even for 3 months, you are probably grieving also.
Like I said, I believe talking to a professional would be a cool step.  It would be good for you and honestly, they will have better advice how to respond to your friend when he comes back into your life.  Believe me, I know, I am talking from experience.  Are you in the states?  In the UK we have an organisation called the samaritans.  You can call them confidentially and they are fantastic... I don't know if the states or wherever you are has the same?

Please feel able to email me on the other side if you want to .

the.dark.

< Message edited by RCdc -- 2/11/2010 3:11:54 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 3:16:03 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001
I've been talking to a Dom for about three months now and we have become great friends. This past Monday his 15 year old son committed suicide. He told me Tuesday morning. He said he had to go and he wouldn't be back.

Extremely common story on these boards, unfortunately. And I emphasize "story". Statistically speaking, there's about a 99.8% chance he just doesn't want to continue with your relationship, but hasn't the balls to say it.

Scans of the obituary, or it didn't happen. (And even then, one phone call is all it takes to place a fake obit.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001
For everyone telling me to leave him alone, I know this. I'm not stupid. The reason I am not going to the funeral and visitation is because I do not have time off work and we live about 6-7 hours apart. Thats the only reason.

If the only reason you're not intruding on the (fictitious) funeral is because you work that day, then you clearly don't know that you should be butting out!


Way to go not to read the rest of the thread before posting.
And please show where you got those statistics, unless you are just using 'guess work'.
I suppose statistically speaking, your using another nick that you only just created in the past week after fucking up on another... seeing as you are so familiar with the boards - or at least give that impression.

If I seem sarcastic and harsh, I make no apology.  Your post was stupid, unkind and lacking in any empathy.

the.dark.

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 3:31:23 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001

I don't know if he is "going to cut and run".



The below sure sounds like it... no???


quote:

ORIGINAL: curious001

He said he had to go and he wouldn't be back...  




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Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 4:56:22 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		you don't have any choice but to move on.

I know 3 guys that committed suicide.    the dad need time and space.    tons of it. 

--  if you pester him at this point-  you become a stalker.

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 4:57:50 PM   
MissBeautiful2U


Posts: 98
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		I knew a guy who sent a girl a text saying HE was in a coma from a hit and run and pretended to be his own mother.  She then called me because I was one of few numbers she knew to try to find out which hospital... I was quite upset by this news naturally... so I called his brother who called his mother who knew NOTHING about it.  I wanted to slap him for being such a dumb*ss.   It is so much easier to just say Sorry not interested than to create an elaborate lie.

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 5:22:33 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		It seems to always be auspicious timing when these threads come up.  Every year since I started posting, there has been a thread about dealing with a suicide within a D/s relationship.  I am a survivor.  My first husband committed suicide 11 years ago yesterday.  Time does NOT heal all wounds, though it does give us time to decide how we will carry them. 

Needless to say, I'm in such a mood as to just be blunt.  In those early time, and even to some extent now, I didn't want help from the people close to me.  There was too much relationship, history, and bullshit emotional entanglement for them to be able to help me.  I needed someone distanced from the situation.  I needed someone I could just process with and not have to worry about "doing it right".  It isn't that they didn't offer or that I didn't try to accept, but they were in crisis too and added to my burden rather than lifted it.  We grieved together, but we could not heal together.  That has been MY journey. 

OP, this is going to be HIS process.  There is nothing you can do.  Even being there might not be healthy for either one of you right now.  Believe it or not, I cut off a lot of family and friends for a long time and a few permanently because they only seemed to make matters worse, unintentionally (except for those few, which is why they are no longer in my life).  I didn't want my grandmother anywhere near me and I absolutely ADORE my grandmother.  She was so angry.  I couldn't deal with her process.  She couldn't deal with mine.  She wanted to know why I couldn't just get angry and "get it over with".  She said I'd feel so much better.  To this day I don't know if she was right.  I have never been able to be angry.  Trying just made it all harder to bear.  At the same time, I view how she has held on to her anger as both detrimental to her and yet the only way she can ward of the pain.  I have learned to honor others' grief and process even in the midst of my own including staying away when needed.

I am sorry to hear of your friend's loss.  I know how devestating it is.  I am sorry you are hurting for and with him.  I pray for each of you strength and comfort.  May time bring you onto the other side of this together.  If not, please don't feel guilty.  Walk away with grace and know you did your best.

lovingpet

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 5:25:50 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Hugs to Pet.

HUGS

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 5:29:23 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you Pa!  *hugs back at ya*

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 5:46:58 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		LovingPet
Thank you for sharing this with the OP. As I too expressed a similiar account in a cmail with her regarding my brother's suicide. I left the whole family and could not be around them. Suicide brings a different baggage of pain and how we respond is usually not as predicatable as others would expect.

Gentle hugs Pet for you ....wisdom

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/11/2010 5:52:04 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you sweetie!  It's the one good thing to come out of this is to have learned to truly honor pain and the individual suffering it.  *hugs*

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/12/2010 12:48:12 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		 Sent you cmail but wanted to add....My parents shut themselves off from everyone for a long time and there are some people they never reconnected with after my brother's death as it was too painful for them.  I think there was and is still some guilt so many years later that they get to grow old and have enjoyment etc and he didn't

edited to change what I had written as I misread something



< Message edited by wandersalone -- 2/12/2010 12:57:15 AM >

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RE: Dom's son committed suicide - 2/12/2010 1:38:30 AM   
PyrotheClown


Posts: 1950
Joined: 5/18/2009
Status: offline 		Well, guess I'll add my two cents too I guess, altho I always feel weird giving what seems to be personal advice to a complete stranger, then again it's weird that you asked, so here it goes


Just wait, at this point there is nothing that YOU can add to the situation that would be helpful.
Of course considering the circumstances, his "family" unit may or may not be the most supportive, and he may or may not be going through severe states of guilt, ect., the one thing that's certain is that it's very very traumatic and when people are really really traumatized, the best thing for him can only be what he is most familiar with....aka his family, the ones who are going through the same shit as him at this very moment... Fucked up shit like this alters your mind almost as much as good drugs, and the one thing that's important when your tripping balls is to remain calm as possible is to be around that which you can connect and relate to the most.

Just be open but don't crowd either, you (like myself), are no professional(I'm assuming, but if you were a shrink I'd highly doubt you'd be ask'n us anything), nor are you involved with this fellow enough to step into this kind of situation.


You're some what new/exciting/what ever, the point is, you're like a plate of bomb fire wings and he's look'n fer good ol comfort food, like chicken soup .......and maybe some crackers...Am I make'n any sense?






and if it should turn out that this is just a story, well ,so what.
if some one is willing to bullshit to you like this, well then just wait it out either way
snooping would not help anyone at that point, if he's too balless to come out bluntly to you, what sense would it make to try to make sense of bullshit....of course I'm going on the un bias assumption that this could just as likely be real as it could not, it doesn't really matter at this point, just wait , stay open, and know how to keep a comfortable distance from some one who is either super shy or super hurt.....cause in either case (as uncomfortable as it may feel), it's outa your hands honey







*edited some grammar errors, sounded a bit like rorschach

< Message edited by PyrotheClown -- 2/12/2010 1:43:10 AM >

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