BLoved
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Joined: 8/5/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lovingpet
I have not gone into your profile. I rarely do go to people's profiles, so that really isn't surprising. What I have done is look over this entire thread and read the posts of yours that were not snips at others and actually had some substance, but it is like I see with a few other posters. You say the same thing over and over and the words are mixed and matched in different orders, but there is no deeper refinement of the idea itself. That's what I'm looking for. I won't get it and that's okay. The problem is, as much as I'd like to have a strong exchange of ideas with you, the constricting of your own perspective has made it so you don't even realize what others need to understand in order to discuss it with you. I have areas where I can be much the same, so this is not a personal slam at all. It just makes it very difficult for me to discuss certain things with others and it is of my own doing and yet something that seems difficult for me to fix. My guess is what I just said will be something you will disagree applies to you. That's okay. I've made the same claim myself in my areas of rigidity. All I can do at this point is hope that you will see an honest attempt to engage you on this matter and that you will be able to shake free enough to clarify this term. Otherwise, I will not go back and forth about whether you have given me information elsewhere that I have asked for. You will say you did and I will say you didn't. There is no useful dialogue that can go forward from that point. I would like for there to be useful dialogue, so if you'd be so kind as to indulge me in this, I'd greatly appreciate it.
As you wish.
This is the portion of the essay relevant to your question:
On Ethics
"Behave towards others the way you would want them to behave towards you, were the situation reversed."
Seems pretty straight-forward, doesn't it?
What about this one?
"Others will behave towards you the way they expect you to behave towards them."
You won't see that one written down anywhere, but it is nonetheless true.
There are those who expect the best in others, and do their best to offer the same.
And then there are those who expect the worst in others, and will do their best to meet their needs anyway they can.
One might generalize these two concepts as "Cooperation" and "Competition".
Cooperation seeks to harmonize relationships so that all may meet their needs and all may benefit.
Competition seeks private profit without regard for the consequences to others.
Each is a paradigm through which each individual makes choices.
The nature of each individual can be determined by their concern for the consequence of decisions to others.
Cooperation demands concern.
Competition scorns it.
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The Ethics of BDSM
There is no concept more essential to BDSM than "Consent".
Without consent BDSM is assault, rape, forcible confinement, kidnapping ...
There are no doubts about this. For BDSM to be "consensual" it must depend upon "consent".
But how does one define "consent"?
For some, it is enough to show up at the door.
For others, it requires lengthy negotiations and a signed agreement.
It can be many different things to different people.
As one might expect, those who choose Cooperation and those who choose Competition have very different ways of looking at this.
Cooperation
Because the focus of Cooperation is that all needs are met and all benefit, those who follow this path concern themselves with issues such as competency.
It is not enough to say "Yes". For a yes" to have meaning, it must be the result of an informed consideration from a competent mind.
The individual must understand what they are agreeing to, and must be in a sober, adult state of mind.
This automatically invalidates consent from children, and adults with afflictions that affect their capacity to judge for themselves the consequences of their decisions.
It also invalidates the consent of those who have no idea what they are getting into. If they are unaware of the risks, they cannot make an informed decision for themselves.
Cooperation requires all of these assessments take place, so as to ensure that all will indeed benefit.
And even so, despite all of these precautions, problems can arise.
I will discuss more of that in "Living with Trauma: Cycles of Self-Destruction".
Competition
Because the focus of Competition is personal gain, without concern for the consequences of others, "consent" becomes a vague and nebulous concept.
Whatever definition is applied, it will serve the needs of the one seeking consent, not necessarily the one who gives it.
And this does not apply just to the idea of consent, it applies to all activities.
If one is willing to play fast and loose with consent, what is one willing to do when it comes to limits and safewords?
What about health and safety concerns?
Again, none of these are concerns for the one seeking consent.
His concern is his own personal gain.
He has no concern for the consequences to those he uses to get what he wants.
His is a strictly cost/benefit mentality. The less he can put in and the more he can get out, the better.
This is not an individual who is going to get to know the submissive, whether he gives that appearance or not. He doesn't want to know her. He wants to use her.
As long as she is willing to be used, he is happy. If she becomes unwilling, he will find another.
His concern is only for his own personal gain.
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Love and Fear and BDSM
By now it will be obvious that those who focus on Cooperation act from Love. The degree to which they love isn't an issue, they love to some degree to care for the well-being of others.
And because they care for the well-being of others, health and safety risks are minimized, as are the risks that limits and safewords will be ignored.
This approach also recognizes the value of after-care.
Those who focus on Competition act from Fear. Their focus on personal gain without concern for others is a result of their fear they live in a dog-eat-dog world, and that if they don't grab what they want, they will never get it as no one will cooperate and give it to them.
For them it is 'use or be used'.
That some of them can cooperate in casual groups does not alter this.
Dogs hunt in packs yet will fight for the spoils.
Yet Love and Fear do not act on the domly types alone. They also motivate the submissives.
Some submissives give because the Love within them for another inspires them to give.
Some submissives give out of fear that if they don't they will not be loved, accepted, desired.
The one who loves is concerned for how her behaviour benefits another. Cooperation.
The one who fears is concerned for how her behaviour benefits herself (that others benefit is the cost she must pay to get what she wants). Competition.
The consequences for these couplings depends very much on the nature(s) of those involved.
The very best combination (and the one I seek) is a Cooperative Dom with a Cooperative submissive. Both are thinking of the well-being of the other.
The very worst combination is the Competitive Dom with a Competitive submissive. Her need for approval is a terrible weapon in the hands of a selfish dom. Simply by grinding down her self-respect he can make it impossible for her to leave. Those familiar with the symptoms of spousal abuse would recognize this relationship as being very similar.
With either of the other two combinations, there is an opportunity for healing, and an opportunity for abuse.
A Cooperative dom with a Competitive submissive can offer the submissive the experience that helps her overcome her low self-esteem. On the other hand the submissive can be emotionally abusive and drain the dom.
A Competitive dom with a Cooperative submissive has a chance to physically and emotionally abuse the submissive. Her need to heal the pain that caused his fear can lead her to return repeatedly and tolerate much before the abuse reaches a point where she cannot return. On the other hand, her love could be what he needs to turn his back on fear.
To the degree we believe in the best in others we will be inclined towards provide loving cooperation and will expect to find the best in others.
To the degree we believe in the worst in others we will be inclined towards taking what we want out of fear that no one will love us enough to give us what we want.
Love or Fear, we exist under the sway of one or the other.
Never both.
Self-Respect
Self-respect means to have a healthy concern for your well-being: mental, physical, emotional, and for those who believe in it, spiritual.
It means to take care of yourself, embrace healthy choices and reject unhealthy ones.
It means to be truthful with one's self. To be completely candid. To recognize the consequences for one's decisions and to accept responsibility for those consequences. Not just the consequences as they affect you, but also as they affect others involved.
This is not about how others see you. It is not about flattery or delusions of grandeur.
This is about you taking care of you. A quiet, calm, fair assessment.
That which promotes self-respect is healthy.
That which inhibits self-respect is unhealthy.
To the degree one exhibits these qualities is the degree to which one feels self-respect, and thus the degree to which one can feel and express love towards another.
To the degree one lacks these qualities is the degree to which one feels a lack of self-respect, and thus is susceptible to control by Fear.
Abuse
Abuse is the process of inhibiting self-respect.
The more one believes they are deserving of mental, physical, emotional and/or spiritual degradation, the more inhibited self-respect will be, and thus the greater the abuse done.
This is not a natural condition. Babies are not born believing this.
People are taught to believe this about themselves.
Considering we are all born with an aversion to such treatment, shunning away from it being a natural response, the fact someone believes themselves deserving of nothing better is evidence of past abuse.
At some point she was taught to expect no better treatment, to tolerate the treatment she got ... to see herself "deserving" the abuse.
Whether a submissive is predisposed to abuse because of past abuse, or whether she is unable to see that the dom she loves is incapable of giving love back, either in the hands of a Competitive dom will find his needs are met better the more they inhibit their self-respect.
The longer this goes on, the greater the damage done to their self-respect.
Living with Trauma: Cycles of Self-Destruction
As was described in the previous section, past abuse can predispose a submissive to accept more abuse.
This is not inevitable. Love has a healing quality when it comes to abuse.
Whether the love of one person can heal the abuse suffered by another very much depends on the individuals and the degree to which Love and Fear motivates them.
But there is no cure for abuse but Love.
Love helps to restore self-respect.
Love provides a solid foundation from which one can determine what is real, what is flattery, and what is delusion.
Love does not deceive.
But for those who do not find love, and for those combinations of people where the love of one was insufficient to overcome the fears of the abused, there continues this diminished sense of self-respect.
In their need for relief, they seek solace in the arms of others. But in allowing themselves to be used for the sake of the illusion of being desired they further undermine their self-respect.
Some, convinced they are not doing enough to be desirable, seek to go further, casting off limits if need be, ignoring safety concerns and pushing themselves to the brink of extinction, emotionally if not physically as well.
It is a vicious cycle which, if not stopped, eventually leaves the submissive incapable of accepting love, pushing away anything that looks like love.
After so much abuse, she simply no longer believes in it, or no longer believes herself worthy of it.
She may well go to the extreme of only seeking out situations where there is no chance of Love entering her world.
Jaded and calloused, she may even join in the abuse of others.
After so much abuse, the ability to relate to the feelings of others grows numb.
Just as it does for the domly types who abuse others.
_____________________________
When your bdsm paradigm makes love essential, expect some flack from those for whom love is anathema.
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RE: A legend returns ... - 
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