Shhh..dont say what you're thinking...

Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (Full Version)

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slavejali -> Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 1:20:58 PM)
Without going into my history too much of the how's and why's..its suffice to say I have an 18 year old daughter who I have not had much influence over in her life. She did spend about 10 months living with Master and I last year and we speak on the phone now and again. Just because I really havent had much influence over her in her life, I still feel connected to her and have some emotions surrounding the choices she makes. Anyways.... So I call her the other day and she tells me she is pregnant. I go silent. Abortion is so against my principles, I could never do it myself, I'm having all these reactions inside me yet so aware that anything I say could have a profound effect on her for a very long time...so I remain silent. She is very immature, I can totally understand all the logistics to her not having this baby. She has no partner, she has become pregnant from sleeping with a guy she met at a club for one night using no birth control. She isnt even mature enough to use birth control. She cant look after a baby. She interupts my silence with "please dont yell at me, dad has already done that and told me I might as well be a prostitute at least I could make money." (her father has a very middle eastern mind-set)Well I never yell at her, we dont have a relationship that I could yell at her, she doesnt even know that its not part of my personality not to yell, that is how far removed we are in knowledge of each other. She knows I'm her mom, but in reality we have never really had the time to be mother and daughter and know each other that way.. anyways..... So I get the words out .."so what are you going to do?' Im nearly having a heart attack freaking out inside me...then i fall silent again so afraid if I talk it will be to try and talk her out of this abortion....yet some part of me realising it really is for the best..yet another part of me crying desperately cuz its so against what I believe. So after she tells me she is having an abortion I go all clinical so that I wont say what Im really thinking.... I ask "when. where and who is taking you" in and effort to appear supporting etc and get off the phone as quickly as possible. As each day ticks by and i know this abortion is getting closer...Im findng myself thinking about it more often.... I cant call her again for fear of what I will say, yet I know how alone she must be feeling, her father would be giving her a really hard time and making her feel even less self worth than she already has....I just cant call...I have to be silent...... I dont know what people can reply to this...Its probably just an emotional something..blah blah blah

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 1:24:21 PM)
Looks like you've done the right things so far. This is her choice to be responsible for. What her father said to her was completely out of line as well. Yes, she might be a completely irresponsible, immature person who needs to become sterilized, but that doesn't change the reality of the situation here and now. Please try and support her as best you can, and if you can't, then please stay away. Maybe once it's over you can use this as a chance to make some other big changes.

KatyLied -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 1:26:08 PM)
quote: her father has a very middle eastern mind-set That statement surprises me. All I can say is that you should not, (and it appears that you are trying hard not to) project your values on to her, regarding the abortion. You are doing the right thing, as far as offering support, making sure she doesn't go alone. And I'm sure they will make sure she has birth control counseling post-abortion, and you may want to make sure that she follows through with that. I'm sorry you are going through this. Good luck

mnottertail -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 1:34:18 PM)
Slavejali, If you would have listened to your parents, and your parents would have listened to their parents ...... ad nauseam. Nope-- we want good things for our kids. Hell, love to give them advice and be open and honest, tell them what we did, our mistakes.......tell them what in the 20/20 hindsight of living would have been the correct thing to do. They have to be bumped in their own noses, doing it vicariously is never enough. That; it seems to me is why many of us grow up sounding like our parents. Sincerely, Ron (You have done and will do well, Jali.)

slavejali -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 1:42:02 PM)
her father has no respect for women at all..Im sorry to speak badly about someone...and Im sorry to point out a particular culture...but the reality is some cultural ways of thinking are very different in regards to women..and Im not saying all of what they think about women is wrong..but it makes it very hard when difficult situations arise cuz there is just no support there for women and girls.

MissyRane -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 1:44:45 PM)
Me n my girlfriends have been discussing this thing "what if i'd get pregnant" and none of us is ready to take that responsibility..we could if we had to but we just don't feel prepared and waisting the time where you could be having fun in finding babysitters or taking care of a baby all night instead of just enjoying it with friends feels just..frightening in our mind at least, even though we already want to have kids we still say..not now. A former friend of mine had a baby when she was 16..she was dating this guy but it was just a very temporary one and he was never faithful to her anyway..but they do stay in contact and he also takes care of the boy..even though they don't live together. The support of her family meant everything to her but at the time, the boy also agreed that she should have that baby. I think your daughter should think about it very carefully, what she wants to do. If I was her..I think I would have an abortion, but the thing I'd be most afraid of is that it might somehow damage my uterus, that's the most frightening thought in my opinion 'cause I know I don't want to lose that ability or decrease the odds of having a baby. But after all it's her decision, and no matter how angry her dad is, he really needs to support her because if he fails to support her on this matter, then, if I were she, I'd wonder how he'd act if the problem was bigger (not saying this isn't big enough) and I'd probably withdraw and keep my life more private and not wanting him to be very much involved. A way smaller case happened to me and when I needed my mom the most she just ignored me n I've never gotten over it, even though I try, and so my friends usually know more about how I feel and so on than my parents do, since I was never close to my dad. But that's just me, but I do know that she needs all the support she can get and I know you understand that..and as a mother, you say you haven't been there for her much, but you do talk together and I think that's great, also she called you to tell you this and then when the silence comes, she asks you not to yell 'cause her dad's already taken care of that part. I think you're closer to her than you think you are and she wouldn't have been worried about your opinion if you didn't have pretty big influence on her life, even if it isn't that great influence you're still her mother and always will be. I think I'd like my mom to talk to me and tell me what exactly she thinks of this all and I'd want to be able to discuss this back n forth with someone I'd trust. But to make long story short then I think you should call her and tell her what you think and what you feel, and ask her how she is about this and so on..but also be careful of making her realise that after all..this is her decision.

slavejali -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 1:59:24 PM)
fuck, i'm crying, this is so fucked up, i wish Master was here but i dont want to worry him over my stupid emotions anwyays

KatyLied -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:03:17 PM)
Stupid emotions? Jali you know your feelings are not stupid. Your daughter is going through a difficult situation. You are at odds as to her decision. Yet as a parent, you know you must support her. I think if you need to cry you should cry. Don't be so hard on yourself.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:03:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali fuck, i'm crying, this is so fucked up, i wish Master was here but i dont want to worry him over my stupid emotions anwyays Isn't that why you chose him as your master? He WANTS to help you with those things, it's a selfish choice to not allow him to do so. It is fucked up, and it will continue to be so. I hope you can all get perspective from this and maybe work together afterwards to start building some maturity and responsibility.

Quivver -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:07:13 PM)
Oh Jali I do so feel for you....... I understand that mind set you speak of well and realize there is so very little you can do or hope from it. I'll light you a candle tonight.... In the mean time, Ron said it best. All you can do is support her emotionally, and I'm sure even if she doesnt see it now, she will in years to come. hugs and more Hugs......... Q

MHOO314 -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:07:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali I just cant call...I have to be silent...... I dont know what people can reply to this...Its probably just an emotional something..blah blah blah No slavejali, you can call and say the one thing she needs to hear and the one thing you need to say... I love you.

slavejali -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:18:12 PM)
i keepr efreshing this page over and over, i want to write and thankyu for your thoughts and suggestions and at the same time i dont want to write at all ..what i really want is to be fucking beaten if i told the truth thats whats i want right now i feel sof rsutrated and sad and so filled with anxiety and im not thinking straight whichmakes me feel so weak and i hate feeling so out of control like this cuz i know better than this and i know i have just attached myself to something and i just need to breath and stop my heart from beating a million miles an hour and i need to put the past where it belongs and its not that I let the past rule my life for the most part but sometimes it just creaps up on me and i feel so bad for all that has hapepened and i wish I could change it but i know i cant and i know in 5 minutes or 1 hour i will be feeling ok again and i really apologise for venting like this/...but thankyou

ownedgirlie -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:18:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MHOO314 No slavejali, you can call and say the one thing she needs to hear and the one thing you need to say... I love you. i was reading through this and planning to write just this very thing...and then came across this post. SlaveJali i am sorry for your grief. Your daughter needs to know she is loved. If in the course of conversation you feel you can safely ask her if she has considered other options, she may be receptive to conversation. But if she feels she is being judged by you, she may get defensive. As for your Master, he is your strength and you should rely on him. He relies on you to tell him when you are suffering. How else can he help you through it?

ownedgirlie -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:21:03 PM)
Sweetie that's what friends are for - to be supportive when you're upset. Take some deep breaths, go to a place in your mind that comforts you...and know we're here to listen.

slavejali -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:32:17 PM)
Well part of the reasons in doing this on here is cuz as you might know Master is deaf and when i get emotional he has no chance of hearing me so part of me is writing this for him cuz I know he will read it...i thhink im feeling calmer now..god lol

MHOO314 -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:36:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali Well part of the reasons in doing this on here is cuz as you might know Master is deaf and when i get emotional he has no chance of hearing me so part of me is writing this for him cuz I know he will read it...i thhink im feeling calmer now..god lol slavejali, stop, go to your Master, look into his eyes, one need not be able to hear--to see and understand pain. Crawl into His arms and breathe--take His had in yours, dial the phone and tell her you love her.

slavejali -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:37:44 PM)
Master is at work or i would Maam . . . Ok...I am feeling calmer now, gonna go outside and get some air...thanks for being here...."this too shall pass" hey [:)]

Lordandmaster -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:50:13 PM)
Jali, you've gotten great responses here. LA is right: so far you have done the right thing.

slavejali -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:54:00 PM)
Yes everything everyone said was very valid..im grateful [:)] going outside now.

BitaTruble -> RE: Shhh..dont say what you're thinking... (3/28/2006 2:59:36 PM)
Jali, My situation is not yours as my daughter and I are, probably, obsessively close to one another, however, I became a Grandmother at the age of 35. I didn't try to talk my daughter into or out of an abortion, though she well knows my views on the subject.. what I did was lay out the facts and the realities of what both options could do to her life and that either way, she would have my full and total support with her decision. Either way, though I prayed that she would decide to keep the baby and today, I have an incredible 10 year old grandson whom I and she adore. I agree with MHO, who said call her and tell her that you love her.. but I would also say that, as an adult, with much more life experience than she has, you do have the 'right' to tell her what you think about the situation. She 'is' your daughter.. she doesn't need a friend here, she needs a mother. And a mother sometimes has to tell their children things which are very tough and which we'd rather not tell them. She may believe that an abortion is her 'only' option because she doesn't have the support network in place for there to be anything else for her to do. IF, after speaking with your Master, it's determined that she 'does' have a support network in YOU, then she has the right to have the information presented to her as well... knowledgable consent, hon. Has she made her decision based on 'all' the facts? Not yet, because she doesn't have the fact of how her own mother feels. Whatever you decide.. whether to tell her your feelings or not.. whether she decides to keep the baby or not, it's going to be tough... but being silent is not the same as being there for her ... some steps are really hard to take... and the path is overgrown with disconnect, but all steps follow the first one, hon. My heart goes out to your family. Celeste

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