separation pains.... normal?

separation pains.... normal? (Full Version)

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tnpainslut -> separation pains.... normal? (2/18/2010 11:04:25 PM)
Hello. I'm fairly new to all of this as I was only discovered in the last year, hiding my desires from myself, by my first and only Sir. Our relationship has always been a secret because of his marital status. We have come to a point that it will soon be too difficult to maintain secrecy and Sir has expressed his desire that I find a new dom. While I know we can no longer give each other everything the other needs and keep it a secret, I am saddened. I know he wants what is best for me but I've grown to trust him so wholly that I can't stand the thought of serving someone else. Is this a normal feeling? Will I grow out of it with time?

wittynamehere -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/18/2010 11:14:38 PM)
Hey there, clearly this is a wank material request. Also, ask him, not us. Oh yeah I forgot this one: THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED BEFORE, USE THE SEARCH FEATURE! I'm kidding. I just had to get those out of the way, because the regulars like to post that shit in EVERY thread on this site. Now they won't have to. To answer you, yes, separation pains are normal in a D/s relationship. It's a relationship, after all. The D/s connection is a strong one, and it's going to hurt as it fades, I bet. You'll have to grieve it just like any other loss. You'll go through denial, anger, sadness, and more. I don't like giving advice, but I think this is pretty sound: take your time, don't get involved in something else right away, and do respect his wishes in ending it, even though it'll be hard to accept. Sorry this is happening to you. I guess you knew that becoming the submissive fling of a married man had risks, but that doesn't make it any easier.

tnpainslut -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/18/2010 11:27:14 PM)
I think the most difficult part is going to be that we unavoidably see each other nearly every day outside of play because our jobs coexist. We don't work together (always a bad idea to shit where you eat imo) but we have no choice but to stay friends. Neither of us really desires to end the relationship. It's purely out of necessity. The crazy sexual tension will always be there.

AquaticSub -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 12:16:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tnpainslut Hello. I'm fairly new to all of this as I was only discovered in the last year, hiding my desires from myself, by my first and only Sir. Our relationship has always been a secret because of his marital status. We have come to a point that it will soon be too difficult to maintain secrecy and Sir has expressed his desire that I find a new dom. While I know we can no longer give each other everything the other needs and keep it a secret, I am saddened. I know he wants what is best for me but I've grown to trust him so wholly that I can't stand the thought of serving someone else. Is this a normal feeling? Will I grow out of it with time? Hopefully you will take this as kindly as I mean it but... Break-ups fucking suck. It really doesn't matter if it's BDSM or not. I can remember bawling my eyes out, utterly convinced that there would never be anyone else I could love when a 'nilla boyfriend broke up with me. Give yourself some time, be nice to yourself and hopefully you'll find a relationship that doesn't have to be a secret soon. What you are going through is extremely common to anyone whose relationship is dissolving.

jujubeeMB -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 12:52:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wittynamehere Hey there, clearly this is a wank material request. Also, ask him, not us. Oh yeah I forgot this one: THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED BEFORE, USE THE SEARCH FEATURE! I'm kidding. I just had to get those out of the way, because the regulars like to post that shit in EVERY thread on this site. Now they won't have to. That was fan-freakin-tastic [:D]

tnpainslut -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 1:07:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub Hopefully you will take this as kindly as I mean it but... Break-ups fucking suck. It really doesn't matter if it's BDSM or not. I can remember bawling my eyes out, utterly convinced that there would never be anyone else I could love when a 'nilla boyfriend broke up with me. Give yourself some time, be nice to yourself and hopefully you'll find a relationship that doesn't have to be a secret soon. What you are going through is extremely common to anyone whose relationship is dissolving. I'm not really sure why you are comparing the transfer of a slave to another dom to a vanilla "break up". That is not at all the same thing and I'm not asking about "break ups". I was simply trying to grasp whether it was normal for a slave to have this kind of lingering attachment and lack of desire to serve a new dom. I couldn't care less about your vanilla boyfriend that broke your heart. That's what Facebook is for. And yes I'm sure you meant well but I don't think you understood my question.

AquaticSub -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 1:26:15 AM)
Relationships suck to lose, regardless of their structure. I understood your question quite well and your lack of concern for others is duly noted. As such, I won't sugarcoat things: Suck it up. You'll live. And you'll serve again, happily.

tnpainslut -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 1:37:29 AM)
I did not intend for my response to come off as lack of concern. I apologize. However, your second post is just a snippy rewording of your first. I clarified my question. There is no need to repost if you don't intend to clarify your answer.

AquaticSub -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 1:47:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tnpainslut I did not intend for my response to come off as lack of concern. I apologize. However, your second post is just a snippy rewording of your first. I clarified my question. There is no need to repost if you don't intend to clarify your answer. Generally when someone says "I don't care about X", it is intended to express an absence of concern. Frankly, I don't give a shit if you care or not about my personal history - I supplied it to illustrate a point not because I expected you to have any sort of emotional response to it - but if that isn't what you intended to express you may want to reconsider your wording. As for my response, I don't see how I can make it any clearer. When a relationship that you care about and are invested in disolves, be it a master/slave or boyfriend/girlfriend, it is painful. It's normal for the people involved to question if they will ever want to have that sort of relationship again. That happens in all walks of life and all styles of relationship. Time heals all wounds.

tnpainslut -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 2:01:34 AM)
If you don't give a shit then I have to wonder why my lack of concern was publicly noted. Thank you oh wonderful Aquaticsub for your bitchy remarks. I daresay I am hoping for responses from people that don't lump the whole world into one pie crust and call it a quiche, tomorrow.

AquaticSub -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 2:05:23 AM)
It was mentioned because when a person expresses a particular lack of concern for others publicly, I feel less of a need to phrase things delicately for their sake. I felt it was reasonable to explain the change the tone. Your assessment of my posting is duly noted and will be given the full consideration it deserves, I assure you.

tnpainslut -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 2:12:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub It was mentioned because when a person expresses a particular lack of concern for others publicly, I feel less of a need to phrase things delicately for their sake. I felt it was reasonable to explain the change the tone. Your assessment of my posting is duly noted and will be given the full consideration it deserves, I assure you. I can say the same thing you just said in a whopping 2 words. "fuck off". Trust me.... Same to you.

AquaticSub -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 2:14:54 AM)
I must insist that you refrain from familiar pet names, ie honey, or "kisses". We do not have dynamic wherein such is warrented.

CaringandReal -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 4:39:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tnpainslut Hello. I'm fairly new to all of this as I was only discovered in the last year, hiding my desires from myself, by my first and only Sir. Our relationship has always been a secret because of his marital status. We have come to a point that it will soon be too difficult to maintain secrecy and Sir has expressed his desire that I find a new dom. While I know we can no longer give each other everything the other needs and keep it a secret, I am saddened. I know he wants what is best for me but I've grown to trust him so wholly that I can't stand the thought of serving someone else. Is this a normal feeling? Will I grow out of it with time? I'm just echoing some others, but it may not hurt to hear it again. Yes, it's normal to feel this way toward someone you'd regarded as your dominant: for many of us, this is a very profound and intense connection. Breaking it is hard, even if it's necessary. Yes you will grow out of it with time, but until you do it'll hurt a lot. How long it takes depends on the details of the relationship: who you are and what you two shared. Here's a very rough ballpark guess, but it could be way off for you: usually, for something relatively non-traumatic (for what it's worth, I regard most non-death and non-physically violent splitups, no matter the details, as non-traumatic) the longest it might take is a year. If you meet another dominant who's right for you, probably less than a year. Edit to add: I just read your exchange with AS. Slave transfers are rare becuase they usually do not work out in the long run. It's quite possible some people are overlooking that comment (as I did) due to that fact. They are a little like skin or plant grafts: sometimes they take; often they don't. It's very hard for a dominant to find a suutable partner for a submissive if this person was _their_ submissive. The process (which often involves resistance to give up the original connection and also just natural incompatibility with the choices) can be quite difficult for everyone involved. Sometimes the new dominant is not appreciated as he would be if the submiisve had discovered him on her own, and that kills the relationship. It can be done, however. I've see it work spectacularly--a very few times. A successful transfer is just rare, so good luck to both of you with it. PS to wittynamehere: thanks for the giggle.

HisSweetElysium -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 5:45:10 AM)
Wow you're a gem. I wish you all you deserve.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 5:50:38 AM)
Might wanna try a relationship with someone not married next time. That is if you are looking for it to suceed.

thishereboi -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 6:05:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub Relationships suck to lose, regardless of their structure. I understood your question quite well and your lack of concern for others is duly noted. As such, I won't sugarcoat things: Suck it up. You'll live. And you'll serve again, happily. Well said. I would like to add. Next time find your own man and maybe you won't have to go through this shit again.

antinomy -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 6:16:34 AM)
Actually, I think AquaticSub was right on the money. You lost a relationship, you miss him. Really does not matter if he tied you up and did all manner of bdsm things to you. The end result is the same as a vanilla break up. You are minus a person you cared about, enjoyed being with, and liked the relationship dynamics you shared. You wonder if you can ever find the same sort of dynamic, if it's even worth looking for, because what you had with your Master seemed so special. Don't get so hung up on the service aspect of it, as if you find someone down the road that touches that part of you, you WILL want to go there with him. Truth is, though- you will likely never find the SAME dynamic again, and if you look for it- you are going to end up disappointed. Instead, take time to mourn the loss of the relationship, go out and meet people when you feel a bit sturdier, and appreciate potential partners for who they are. Measuring them up to your first Dom is not a good idea, as each is an individual, and brings something else to the table. When you have healed, found the right match, you will be able to move on- even if it does not feel that way right now.

Mercnbeth -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 6:28:15 AM)
no. this slave wouldn't consider it normal for her to trust so wholly the type of person you describe that a Master/slave relationship could be formed that would utterly devastate her. others mileage will most definitely vary.

DesFIP -> RE: separation pains.... normal? (2/19/2010 6:31:11 AM)
Whether he fucks you in the ass without lube or does so on a bed covered in rose petals is immaterial. A break up is a break up. And the moment you consented to being his dirty little secret you were approaching this. He's telling you to find someone else because he's afraid you'll tell his wife. He doesn't want you nearly as much as he wants her. So go fuck others, or don't. You brought this on yourself. So deal with it yourself.

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