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separation pains.... normal? - 2/18/2010 11:04:25 PM   
tnpainslut


Posts: 21
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline 		Hello.
I'm fairly new to all of this as I was only discovered in the last year, hiding my desires from myself, by my first and only Sir. Our relationship has always been a secret because of his marital status. We have come to a point that it will soon be too difficult to maintain secrecy and Sir has expressed his desire that I find a new dom. While I know we can no longer give each other everything the other needs and keep it a secret, I am saddened. I know he wants what is best for me but I've grown to trust him so wholly that I can't stand the thought of serving someone else. Is this a normal feeling? Will I grow out of it with time?
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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/18/2010 11:14:38 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline 		Hey there, clearly this is a wank material request. Also, ask him, not us. Oh yeah I forgot this one: THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED BEFORE, USE THE SEARCH FEATURE!

I'm kidding. I just had to get those out of the way, because the regulars like to post that shit in EVERY thread on this site. Now they won't have to.

To answer you, yes, separation pains are normal in a D/s relationship. It's a relationship, after all. The D/s connection is a strong one, and it's going to hurt as it fades, I bet. You'll have to grieve it just like any other loss. You'll go through denial, anger, sadness, and more. I don't like giving advice, but I think this is pretty sound: take your time, don't get involved in something else right away, and do respect his wishes in ending it, even though it'll be hard to accept.

Sorry this is happening to you. I guess you knew that becoming the submissive fling of a married man had risks, but that doesn't make it any easier.

_____________________________

I almost never return to a thread, so if you saw my post and want me to hear your reply, please message it to me.

(in reply to tnpainslut)
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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/18/2010 11:27:14 PM   
tnpainslut


Posts: 21
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline 		I think the most difficult part is going to be that we unavoidably see each other nearly every day outside of play because our jobs coexist. We don't work together (always a bad idea to shit where you eat imo) but we have no choice but to stay friends. Neither of us really desires to end the relationship. It's purely out of necessity. The crazy sexual tension will always be there.

(in reply to wittynamehere)
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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 12:16:27 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tnpainslut

Hello.
I'm fairly new to all of this as I was only discovered in the last year, hiding my desires from myself, by my first and only Sir. Our relationship has always been a secret because of his marital status. We have come to a point that it will soon be too difficult to maintain secrecy and Sir has expressed his desire that I find a new dom. While I know we can no longer give each other everything the other needs and keep it a secret, I am saddened. I know he wants what is best for me but I've grown to trust him so wholly that I can't stand the thought of serving someone else. Is this a normal feeling? Will I grow out of it with time?



Hopefully you will take this as kindly as I mean it but...

Break-ups fucking suck. It really doesn't matter if it's BDSM or not. I can remember bawling my eyes out, utterly convinced that there would never be anyone else I could love when a 'nilla boyfriend broke up with me.

Give yourself some time, be nice to yourself and hopefully you'll find a relationship that doesn't have to be a secret soon. What you are going through is extremely common to anyone whose relationship is dissolving.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to tnpainslut)
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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 12:52:40 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

Hey there, clearly this is a wank material request. Also, ask him, not us. Oh yeah I forgot this one: THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED BEFORE, USE THE SEARCH FEATURE!

I'm kidding. I just had to get those out of the way, because the regulars like to post that shit in EVERY thread on this site. Now they won't have to.



That was fan-freakin-tastic

(in reply to wittynamehere)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 1:07:29 AM   
tnpainslut


Posts: 21
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Hopefully you will take this as kindly as I mean it but...

Break-ups fucking suck. It really doesn't matter if it's BDSM or not. I can remember bawling my eyes out, utterly convinced that there would never be anyone else I could love when a 'nilla boyfriend broke up with me.

Give yourself some time, be nice to yourself and hopefully you'll find a relationship that doesn't have to be a secret soon. What you are going through is extremely common to anyone whose relationship is dissolving.



I'm not really sure why you are comparing the transfer of a slave to another dom to a vanilla "break up". That is not at all the same thing and I'm not asking about "break ups". I was simply trying to grasp whether it was normal for a slave to have this kind of lingering attachment and lack of desire to serve a new dom. I couldn't care less about your vanilla boyfriend that broke your heart. That's what Facebook is for. And yes I'm sure you meant well but I don't think you understood my question.

< Message edited by tnpainslut -- 2/19/2010 1:13:16 AM >

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 1:26:15 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Relationships suck to lose, regardless of their structure.

I understood your question quite well and your lack of concern for others is duly noted. As such, I won't sugarcoat things: Suck it up. You'll live. And you'll serve again, happily.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to tnpainslut)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 1:37:29 AM   
tnpainslut


Posts: 21
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline 		I did not intend for my response to come off as lack of concern. I apologize.

However, your second post is just a snippy rewording of your first. I clarified my question. There is no need to repost if you don't intend to clarify your answer.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 1:47:33 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tnpainslut

I did not intend for my response to come off as lack of concern. I apologize.

However, your second post is just a snippy rewording of your first. I clarified my question. There is no need to repost if you don't intend to clarify your answer.



Generally when someone says "I don't care about X", it is intended to express an absence of concern. Frankly, I don't give a shit if you care or not about my personal history - I supplied it to illustrate a point not because I expected you to have any sort of emotional response to it - but if that isn't what you intended to express you may want to reconsider your wording.

As for my response, I don't see how I can make it any clearer.

When a relationship that you care about and are invested in disolves, be it a master/slave or boyfriend/girlfriend, it is painful. It's normal for the people involved to question if they will ever want to have that sort of relationship again. That happens in all walks of life and all styles of relationship. Time heals all wounds.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/19/2010 1:48:35 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to tnpainslut)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 2:01:34 AM   
tnpainslut


Posts: 21
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline 		If you don't give a shit then I have to wonder why my lack of concern was publicly noted.

Thank you oh wonderful Aquaticsub for your bitchy remarks. I daresay I am hoping for responses from people that don't lump the whole world into one pie crust and call it a quiche, tomorrow.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 2:05:23 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		It was mentioned because when a person expresses a particular lack of concern for others publicly, I feel less of a need to phrase things delicately for their sake. I felt it was reasonable to explain the change the tone.

Your assessment of my posting is duly noted and will be given the full consideration it deserves, I assure you.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/19/2010 2:08:15 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to tnpainslut)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 2:12:42 AM   
tnpainslut


Posts: 21
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

It was mentioned because when a person expresses a particular lack of concern for others publicly, I feel less of a need to phrase things delicately for their sake. I felt it was reasonable to explain the change the tone.

Your assessment of my posting is duly noted and will be given the full consideration it deserves, I assure you.


I can say the same thing you just said in a whopping 2 words. "fuck off". Trust me.... Same to you.

< Message edited by tnpainslut -- 2/19/2010 2:34:59 AM >

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 2:14:54 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I must insist that you refrain from familiar pet names, ie honey, or "kisses". We do not have dynamic wherein such is warrented.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/19/2010 2:16:35 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to tnpainslut)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 4:39:58 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tnpainslut

Hello.
I'm fairly new to all of this as I was only discovered in the last year, hiding my desires from myself, by my first and only Sir. Our relationship has always been a secret because of his marital status. We have come to a point that it will soon be too difficult to maintain secrecy and Sir has expressed his desire that I find a new dom. While I know we can no longer give each other everything the other needs and keep it a secret, I am saddened. I know he wants what is best for me but I've grown to trust him so wholly that I can't stand the thought of serving someone else. Is this a normal feeling? Will I grow out of it with time?



I'm just echoing some others, but it may not hurt to hear it again. Yes, it's normal to feel this way toward someone you'd regarded as your dominant: for many of us, this is a very profound and intense connection. Breaking it is hard, even if it's necessary.

Yes you will grow out of it with time, but until you do it'll hurt a lot. How long it takes depends on the details of the relationship: who you are and what you two shared. Here's a very rough ballpark guess, but it could be way off for you: usually, for something relatively non-traumatic (for what it's worth, I regard most non-death and non-physically violent splitups, no matter the details, as non-traumatic) the longest it might take is a year. If you meet another dominant who's right for you, probably less than a year.

Edit to add: I just read your exchange with AS. Slave transfers are rare becuase they usually do not work out in the long run. It's quite possible some people are overlooking that comment (as I did) due to that fact. They are a little like skin or plant grafts: sometimes they take; often they don't. It's very hard for a dominant to find a suutable partner for a submissive if this person was _their_ submissive. The process (which often involves resistance to give up the original connection and also just natural incompatibility with the choices) can be quite difficult for everyone involved. Sometimes the new dominant is not appreciated as he would be if the submiisve had discovered him on her own, and that kills the relationship. It can be done, however. I've see it work spectacularly--a very few times. A successful transfer is just rare, so good luck to both of you with it.

PS to wittynamehere: thanks for the giggle.

< Message edited by CaringandReal -- 2/19/2010 4:51:08 AM >

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to tnpainslut)
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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 5:45:10 AM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline 		Wow you're a gem. I wish you all you deserve.  

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 5:50:38 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Might wanna try a relationship with someone not married next time. That is if you are looking for it to suceed.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)
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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 6:05:31 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Relationships suck to lose, regardless of their structure.

I understood your question quite well and your lack of concern for others is duly noted. As such, I won't sugarcoat things: Suck it up. You'll live. And you'll serve again, happily.


Well said. I would like to add. Next time find your own man and maybe you won't have to go through this shit again.


_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 6:16:34 AM   
antinomy


Posts: 124
Joined: 3/7/2008
Status: offline 		Actually, I think AquaticSub was right on the money. You lost a relationship, you miss him. Really does not matter if he tied you up and did all manner of bdsm things to you. The end result is the same as a vanilla break up. You are minus a person you cared about, enjoyed being with, and liked the relationship dynamics you shared. You wonder if you can ever find the same sort of dynamic, if it's even worth looking for, because what you had with your Master seemed so special. Don't get so hung up on the service aspect of it, as if you find someone down the road that touches that part of you, you WILL want to go there with him. Truth is, though- you will likely never find the SAME dynamic again, and if you look for it- you are going to end up disappointed. Instead, take time to mourn the loss of the relationship, go out and meet people when you feel a bit sturdier, and appreciate potential partners for who they are. Measuring them up to your first Dom is not a good idea, as each is an individual, and brings something else to the table. When you have healed, found the right match, you will be able to move on- even if it does not feel that way right now.

< Message edited by antinomy -- 2/19/2010 6:17:18 AM >

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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 6:28:15 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		no. this slave wouldn't consider it normal for her to trust so wholly the type of person you describe that a Master/slave relationship could be formed that would utterly devastate her.

others mileage will most definitely vary.

(in reply to tnpainslut)
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RE: separation pains.... normal? - 2/19/2010 6:31:11 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Whether he fucks you in the ass without lube or does so on a bed covered in rose petals is immaterial. A break up is a break up.

And the moment you consented to being his dirty little secret you were approaching this.

He's telling you to find someone else because he's afraid you'll tell his wife. He doesn't want you nearly as much as he wants her.

So go fuck others, or don't. You brought this on yourself. So deal with it yourself.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to antinomy)
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