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He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:10:40 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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I know people who are, for lack of another word, more or less "vanilla" don't really exactly get it. As open minded as they may try to be, the idea that one person cedes control to another, sometimes to a very deep and basic level, is just a foreign concept to them. I understand that. What about when this inevitable comment comes up (change pronouns as needed)? How have you answered it before (besides go take a flying leap)?

I would say in most cases it is no one's business what the dynamics of two people's relationship are. There are a select few occasions where it is very much their business. Those are the times when answering this question becomes important and the "take a flying leap" approach just isn't good enough. How would you approach it in these times of situations? Inquiring minds want to know.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

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Post #: 1

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:18:24 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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inevitable...really?

this slave hasn't had to respond to that comment...at least not yet, it has only been 7 years, though, so who knows, it might still come up.

as far as what this slave imagines her response would be, something most likely along the lines of "Oh yeah, why not?"

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 2

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:21:21 AM

DarkSteven

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"We're happy together."

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RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:23:30 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
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i've had that issue with my Mother. "The next guy you go out with make sure he treats you better! No sitting around not helping while you take care of everything!"

i've tried explaining that i enjoy serving the man in my life, and that we both have different jobs and that's what makes me happy.

So far she's not buying. But i don't let it worry me too much. i'm almost 40, after all......

i'll be interested in seeing how others handle this too.

_____________________________

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Post #: 4

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:24:41 AM

ForeverOwned

Posts: 269
Joined: 2/5/2008
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i guess it would depend on how a couple is viewed. For instance, my Owner doesn't order me to do anything. He requests things from me in a vanilla way. For instance. Would you, please pass the butter. he doesn't say to me pass the butter! Things change though if i were to say no or get it yourself.

i know a vanilla couple where she orders him around like he's worthless and next to nothing, and if you met them you would know that they probaly have never heard of BDSM. She just treats him bad and doesn't care who is around to see it.

Now if someone views your partner asking you to do something and it;s in a nice tone of voice and you do it, then the problem is with the viewer. Maybe they are the selfish type.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 5

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:33:32 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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Perhaps just inevitable for me and those in similar circumstances to me.

I have a pretty hefty level of vanilla entanglement and they are people that I want in my life, so they wind up noticing things that they don't agree with, care enough to say so, and I have to be willing and able to give a response that is understandable and helps us be able to continue in good stead with each other. I am not into placating others or justifying how I live to someone else. That isn't it at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with having folks I care about understand a little more about me and I am willing to explain things they are missing along the way.

Hopefully, that's a clarification that helps.

lovingpet

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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

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(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 6

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:37:22 AM

lovingpet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

"We're happy together."

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

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Post #: 7

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:43:16 AM

lovingpet

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

i've had that issue with my Mother. "The next guy you go out with make sure he treats you better! No sitting around not helping while you take care of everything!"

i've tried explaining that i enjoy serving the man in my life, and that we both have different jobs and that's what makes me happy.

So far she's not buying. But i don't let it worry me too much. i'm almost 40, after all......

i'll be interested in seeing how others handle this too.

I understand that. I think I have taken on some of the relationships and even jobs I have had in my life specifically because I enjoyed the taking care of others. I get fussed at for doing "too much". I just shrug and keep enjoying.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 8

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:45:29 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I have ignored the comment or glossed over it when someone has noticed that he is "controlling". There never has been a situation I felt I needed to discuss it with anyone else...

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(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 9

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:49:44 AM

FelineFae

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From: i do wander everywhere...
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Clerks, waiters, and even doctors serve people. They are paid to do so. i don't think the modern person realizes how often they are serviced.

i have a few friends that just " don't get it ", but they understand different things make different people happy.

Master and i just try to read people as we meet them, and adjust protocol accordingly.

In the case of parents, you might try explaning that people express affection in different ways. Some like cards, some like " little acts of kindness "...

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(in reply to ForeverOwned)

Post #: 10

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 7:54:03 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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folks that pursue conventional vanilla relationships interact with this slave on a regular basis...our offspring, parents, the chick who does this slave's nails, etc.

however, the comments they make aren't negative...to the contrary, they wonder/marvel/comment at how well we get along, how happy we make each other and how passionate we are about each other. His daughter commented that maybe she should start telling folks that she would have to talk to her partner first before agreeing to things, like this slave always does...she thought it was a "smart" idea.

for folks unaware of M/s or D/s based relationships that haven't known us very long, this slave explains to those amazed at how well we get along that we have complimentary personalities---that this slave isn't interested in calling the shots or having things her way and He is the exact opposite of that.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 11

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 8:04:51 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
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Joy and happiness tend to be better than the best explanations.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 12

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 8:04:52 AM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

lovingpet, I can totally relate (as I do to almost all of your posts). I get the comment mostly from people who know me as the very assertive person I am at work; I think the contrast between who I am at work and who I am with my Owner is a little jarring for them sometimes.

To answer your question, a smile and "it works for us" has worked best. The smile lets them know I'm happy with being "ordered around" by him. The "it works for us" seems to keep follow up questions from being asked.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 13

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 8:05:46 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ForeverOwned

i guess it would depend on how a couple is viewed. For instance, my Owner doesn't order me to do anything. He requests things from me in a vanilla way. For instance. Would you, please pass the butter. he doesn't say to me pass the butter! Things change though if i were to say no or get it yourself.

i know a vanilla couple where she orders him around like he's worthless and next to nothing, and if you met them you would know that they probaly have never heard of BDSM. She just treats him bad and doesn't care who is around to see it.

Now if someone views your partner asking you to do something and it;s in a nice tone of voice and you do it, then the problem is with the viewer. Maybe they are the selfish type.

I think that's a good point and my partner is always more or less kind and polite with me, especially in public. Neither of us mistake his kindness for a lack of ability enforce himself should I choose to disregard him. I have not done so. I'm not stupid. I like my bottom where it is currently located thank you very much.

I think if things are portrayed as rude, abusive, or inconsiderate, then it will affect people's willingness to accept that as DS said, "We are happy together." It is certainly anyone's perogative, but interaction that demonstrates traditional notions of respect between people are usually received better. I can go out and really get all kinds of kicks out of being treated roughly in public or around family and friends, but people are going to form an opinion based upon that regardless of whether I love it or not. It's just going to make my job of explaining things an even harder uphill battle.

Perception is a big key in this. In the case I'm thinking about, there is no perception really because the person has not witnessed us in action, just doesn't like that he speaks and I do as told. *sighs*

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

(in reply to ForeverOwned)

Post #: 14

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 8:10:34 AM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
In the case I'm thinking about, there is no perception really because the person has not witnessed us in action, just doesn't like that he speaks and I do as told. *sighs*

That's all it is for me, too. My Owner is always polite. I think it must be very strange for people who know me in a different context to see me immediately jump up and do as I'm told. To them, that's not the lucylucy they know! So my response to them has to communicate that that's a lucylucy who is very, very happy and fulfilled.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 15

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 8:10:41 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have ignored the comment or glossed over it when someone has noticed that he is "controlling". There never has been a situation I felt I needed to discuss it with anyone else...

I would normally ignore, though I have never had need to do so. In this case I'm thinking of, however, that just isn't an option. I really do owe an explanation and some insight.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 16

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 8:23:47 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FelineFae

Clerks, waiters, and even doctors serve people. They are paid to do so. i don't think the modern person realizes how often they are serviced.

i have a few friends that just " don't get it ", but they understand different things make different people happy.

Master and i just try to read people as we meet them, and adjust protocol accordingly.

In the case of parents, you might try explaning that people express affection in different ways. Some like cards, some like " little acts of kindness "...

There is some mild adjustment in the outward stuff of our relationship based on the company we are in, but the undercurrents are still the same. I would kind of adore him scaring the crap out of fellow lifestylers sometime. It would be a hoot and that is very immature of me. LOL.

This reaction seems to be coming more from the undercurrents though than those outward expressions. As I have now clarified, this person hasn't witnessed us in action. The person doesn't know if he treats me with kindness, respect, rudely, etc. It is just a kneejerk reaction to me doing as he says.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

(in reply to FelineFae)

Post #: 17

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 8:31:29 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

folks that pursue conventional vanilla relationships interact with this slave on a regular basis...our offspring, parents, the chick who does this slave's nails, etc.

however, the comments they make aren't negative...to the contrary, they wonder/marvel/comment at how well we get along, how happy we make each other and how passionate we are about each other. His daughter commented that maybe she should start telling folks that she would have to talk to her partner first before agreeing to things, like this slave always does...she thought it was a "smart" idea.

for folks unaware of M/s or D/s based relationships that haven't known us very long, this slave explains to those amazed at how well we get along that we have complimentary personalities---that this slave isn't interested in calling the shots or having things her way and He is the exact opposite of that.

Those that have actually seen us with each other, say similar. This person has not and doesn't want to. I don't know how to close that gap. I am happy and unharmed. We do not fight. We get along and do the whole life thing with ease and a sweet spirit. I wish I knew what was so disconcerting about that.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 18

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 8:34:02 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Joy and happiness tend to be better than the best explanations.

Yes it is and I just hope this person eventually witnesses that to know for themselves.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 19

RE: He Can't Order You Around Like That - 2/23/2010 8:54:22 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

I would normally ignore, though I have never had need to do so. In this case I'm thinking of, however, that just isn't an option. I really do owe an explanation and some insight.

I can't think of a single person, or a single circumstance, where I owe anybody an explanation for anything. Do you really owe them an explanation?

People around me know that I'd rather do something myself and get it right (snicker), than let someone else do it. Works well for me.

Cali

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(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 20

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