getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact

getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (Full Version)

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HandcuffBarbie -> getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 9:14:37 AM)
I'm having one of those stretches where I can't seem to get anything right with my Master. The details don't matter; suffice it to say I seem to be getting on his nerves no matter what I do. What do you do to keep your self-esteem up when you go through stretches like this? I want to have a pity party, but I know that won't help, and I know this phase will pass.

juliaoceania -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 9:31:39 AM)
I would ask you to consider that if a relationship is harmful to your self esteem that perhaps it isn't the right relationship for you. Being submissive to another person doesn't mean being picked apart and treated like an annoyance until one feels poorly about oneself. At least it doesn't mean that to me... I have found in my relationships that when the other party treated me in the way you describe it was because they weren't happy in the relationship and there was nothing I could have done at that point to reverse that because unless someone is going to treat me like a valued partner and communicate in a productive manner, there is nothing I could do to "fix" it... usually it wasn't me that needed the fixing anyhow... Just my experiences

HandcuffBarbie -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 11:53:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I would ask you to consider that if a relationship is harmful to your self esteem that perhaps it isn't the right relationship for you. Being submissive to another person doesn't mean being picked apart and treated like an annoyance until one feels poorly about oneself. At least it doesn't mean that to me... I have found in my relationships that when the other party treated me in the way you describe it was because they weren't happy in the relationship and there was nothing I could have done at that point to reverse that because unless someone is going to treat me like a valued partner and communicate in a productive manner, there is nothing I could do to "fix" it... usually it wasn't me that needed the fixing anyhow... Just my experiences Whoa, I have no idea where you got that my relationship is harmful to my self-esteem! My Master NEVER picks me apart or treats me as an annoyance. That is not at all what I said and it is so far from the truth it's hilarious. This post is about ME, not him. MY issues, not his. I said I seem to be getting on his nerves. That is my perception, not a fact. He's not unhappy in the relationship and there are very stressful things going on right now for him. My question was very clear, I think. How do you get through rough patches with your self-esteem intact, meaning how do you keep from feeling like it's all your fault when you know perfectly well it isn't all your fault. Give me a break, julia. You've never had a rough patch in your relationship that made you feel bad about yourself? Never? And any such thing would make you question the relationship and your Master's happiness? Try to stick with the question asked and don't read all sorts of sinister details into it, please. This isn't a sinister situation.

Smutmonger -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 12:00:01 PM)
You had best ask him what he wants you to do in regard to the situation. Make it clear that you are all on board and sympathetic.....and just want to help as best you can. Even if it means leaving him alone to deal with it until things smooth out. The worst thing you can do with a lot of men is to push into thier space when they need to deal with things themselves-men are not wired emotionally the same as women.

HandcuffBarbie -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 12:10:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Smutmonger You had best ask him what he wants you to do in regard to the situation. Make it clear that you are all on board and sympathetic.....and just want to help as best you can. Even if it means leaving him alone to deal with it until things smooth out. The worst thing you can do with a lot of men is to push into thier space when they need to deal with things themselves-men are not wired emotionally the same as women. Thank you, Smutmonger. This is good advice and rings true with what I have done in the past that seemed to work.

Smutmonger -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 12:23:06 PM)
I've had submissive women in the past that I had to dismiss for being too emotionally insecure and selfish to understand-much less practice this sort of self restraint. There are times in life when a Dominant is going to have to draw in his energy and focus to make it through bad places in his life. It's a HUGE mistake to think this means he doesn't still want you. And pushing when this happens does not come across as submission-it comes across as trying to take away his personal power-at the worst possible time-when he is already struggling to use what he has just to cope. This does not engender warm and fuzzy feelings towards the one doing it. quote: ORIGINAL: HandcuffBarbie quote: ORIGINAL: Smutmonger You had best ask him what he wants you to do in regard to the situation. Make it clear that you are all on board and sympathetic.....and just want to help as best you can. Even if it means leaving him alone to deal with it until things smooth out. The worst thing you can do with a lot of men is to push into thier space when they need to deal with things themselves-men are not wired emotionally the same as women. Thank you, Smutmonger. This is good advice and rings true with what I have done in the past that seemed to work.

HandcuffBarbie -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 12:28:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Smutmonger There are times in life when a Dominant is going to have to draw in his energy and focus to make it through bad places in his life. It's a HUGE mistake to think this means he doesn't still want you. And pushing when this happens does not come across as submission-it comes across as trying to take away his personal power-at the worst possible time-when he is already struggling to use what he has just to cope. I know you're right and that's why I posted this question. I know my issues are MINE not HIS and that he has enough on his plate to deal with right now without having to deal with my insecurities. That's what I was trying to explain to juliaoceania, in response to her post above. I know I shouldn't take any of it personally, and I'm pretty good at that most of the time, but there are moments when it gets to me and I'm having one of those moments. It's a moment that will pass. It's certainly not the end of my relationship. I should just back off, give him space, and go get a pedicure. [:)]

Smutmonger -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 12:29:16 PM)
There ya go.

juliaoceania -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 12:37:50 PM)
quote: Whoa, I have no idea where you got that my relationship is harmful to my self-esteem! This little bit right here quote: What do you do to keep your self-esteem up when you go through stretches like this? quote: My Master NEVER picks me apart or treats me as an annoyance. quote: The details don't matter; suffice it to say I seem to be getting on his nerves no matter what I do. The only things that get on my nerves are the things that annoy me.. If I did not understand you, perhaps it was the way you framed your OP quote: I said I seem to be getting on his nerves. That is my perception, not a fact. He's not unhappy in the relationship and there are very stressful things going on right now for him. quote: My question was very clear, I think. How do you get through rough patches with your self-esteem intact, meaning how do you keep from feeling like it's all your fault when you know perfectly well it isn't all your fault. I think of self esteem as being the questioning of the very essence of my self worth, and if a relationship is threatening that, it is a bad relationship for me. We may define these things differently. Give me a break, julia. You've never had a rough patch in your relationship that made you feel bad about yourself? Never? And any such thing would make you question the relationship and your Master's happiness? Yes we have had rough patches, well really really rough passages...we have broke up several times.. and yes, my self esteem was hurt, and it made me rethink the entire getting back together thing as I wondered if we were compatible. To me you have to treat me pretty badly to make me think of posting a post like you did. I do not ask forums for help with such things, and if I did it would mean I was really hurt and treated badly... That is just me, etc

HandcuffBarbie -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 12:44:19 PM)
juliaoceania, you just proved my point. I didn't say he picked me apart, I didn't say my relationship is harmful to my self-esteem, I didn't say he treated me as an annoyance. You took little bits of what I said, pulled them out of context, and dragged your own baggage in. "I seem to be getting on his nerves" is very different from "he treats me as an annoyance." The first is about MY PERCEPTION and the second is about HIS BEHAVIOR. I didn't say a thing about his behavior, did I? I'm not questioning my self-worth. That's you, not me. I said in my post this is a rough patch--that means it's not a relationship crisis. You equate rough patch with relationship crisis? We obviously see things differently, as you said. You're reading all sorts of drama in where there isn't any.

Smutmonger -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 12:47:15 PM)
This also proves a point about "ego centricity" When a person is unable to have an objective view of a situation-without automatically seeking to twist and insert anything that can be grasped at to insert their own insecurities and prejudices.

juliaoceania -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 12:57:13 PM)
quote: I seem to be getting on his nerves" is very different from "he treats me as an annoyance." The first is about MY PERCEPTION and the second is about HIS BEHAVIOR. I didn't say a thing about his behavior, did I? I am not arguing with you about what you meant... but I do not think I am the only person in the world who would read it that way.. Hey, I have no gripe with you, if I misunderstood your post, well I did... nothing to get your panties in a twist over... your post was unspecific and short and left a lot of room open for people to speculate, etc... how can you get the types of replies you want if you aren't more specific.. the title of the thread is about self esteem. quote: Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem And on getting on nerves quote: irritation: the psychological state of being irritated or annoyed anger produced by some annoying irritation aggravator: an unpleasant person who is annoying or exasperating something or someone that causes trouble; a source of unhappiness; "washing dishes was a nuisance before we got a dish washer"; "a bit of a bother"; "he's not a friend, he's an infliction" the act of troubling or annoying someone wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn I mean my interpretation was based on your wording.. if it isn't reflective of your situation... I guess my bad, I really am not emotionally attached to your situation Now I gotta class to catch... Good luck to you

subsfaith -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 1:01:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HandcuffBarbie I should just back off, give him space, and go get a pedicure. [:)] This works for me everytime! Self-care! Right now he is poorly in bed and wants the space, wheras I am sat, manicure and nail polish out, movie on, glass of wine... perfect! The trick is to remember your self-care more routinely so you don't get to the low self-esteem in the first place.

HandcuffBarbie -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 1:04:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem And on getting on nerves quote: irritation: the psychological state of being irritated or annoyed anger produced by some annoying irritation aggravator: an unpleasant person who is annoying or exasperating something or someone that causes trouble; a source of unhappiness; "washing dishes was a nuisance before we got a dish washer"; "a bit of a bother"; "he's not a friend, he's an infliction" the act of troubling or annoying someone wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn The wikipedia entry continues on to say that there are normal short-term variations in self-esteem. That's what I am experiencing, and I know it's short term, which is why I said it was a phase. I know the definition of "getting on nerves", but my point was that I talked about my perceptions not his behavior. I'm not quibbling with you over what "getting on nerves" means. Thanks for taking the time to explain yourself and thanks for the good luck wish.

LafayetteLady -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 1:29:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HandcuffBarbie juliaoceania, you just proved my point. I didn't say he picked me apart, I didn't say my relationship is harmful to my self-esteem, I didn't say he treated me as an annoyance. You took little bits of what I said, pulled them out of context, and dragged your own baggage in. "I seem to be getting on his nerves" is very different from "he treats me as an annoyance." The first is about MY PERCEPTION and the second is about HIS BEHAVIOR. I didn't say a thing about his behavior, did I? I'm not questioning my self-worth. That's you, not me. I said in my post this is a rough patch--that means it's not a relationship crisis. You equate rough patch with relationship crisis? We obviously see things differently, as you said. You're reading all sorts of drama in where there isn't any. This would be all fine and dandy if you hadn't also stated in another post that your master complains that you must not be properly administering enemas because there is fecal matter on his penis after anal sex. There you explained how your body works and believed that there must be something more you could do to keep him from having to deal with that. Sorry, but I think your relationship has some issues that you don't want to face to begin with and it isn't all about YOUR insecurities. Why? Because he obviously DOES pick you apart about at least that one thing, so you saying that he doesn't at all isn't exactly true. Beyond that, partners support each other. So unless you are harping on everything, if you are feeling momentarily insecure he should be doing something to help you feel better, regardless of what he has going on in his life. His emotions and life is not more important than yours. If that is how you choose to view things, that whatever you are feeling is irrelevant and less important that what he is feeling, then go get the pedicure. But in my relationships, I support my partner when he is stressed and when I have feelings of insecurity, I am able to talk with him about it and we deal with that as well.

Justme696 -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 1:31:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HandcuffBarbie I'm having one of those stretches where I can't seem to get anything right with my Master. The details don't matter; suffice it to say I seem to be getting on his nerves no matter what I do. What do you do to keep your self-esteem up when you go through stretches like this? I want to have a pity party, but I know that won't help, and I know this phase will pass. tell yourself you work hard to please him. If he is never satisfied...the war is lost....sadly.

HandcuffBarbie -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 1:35:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady This would be all fine and dandy if you hadn't also stated in another post that your master complains that you must not be properly administering enemas because there is fecal matter on his penis after anal sex. There you explained how your body works and believed that there must be something more you could do to keep him from having to deal with that. Sorry, but I think your relationship has some issues that you don't want to face to begin with and it isn't all about YOUR insecurities. Why? Because he obviously DOES pick you apart about at least that one thing, so you saying that he doesn't at all isn't exactly true. Beyond that, partners support each other. So unless you are harping on everything, if you are feeling momentarily insecure he should be doing something to help you feel better, regardless of what he has going on in his life. His emotions and life is not more important than yours. If that is how you choose to view things, that whatever you are feeling is irrelevant and less important that what he is feeling, then go get the pedicure. But in my relationships, I support my partner when he is stressed and when I have feelings of insecurity, I am able to talk with him about it and we deal with that as well. I actually did NOT say he complained about that; I said he thought I was doing it wrong, and after discussing it in depth with him, I believe he is right. He has never picked me apart, not about anal sex or anything else. You're reading in drama where there just isn't any. He does support me or I wouldn't be with him, but he can't make me stop feeling insecure at times. That's ME and my job. His job is to make me feel loved and safe and appreciated, which he does. If he does all that and I still feel insecure sometimes, that's not his fault. I also think it's perfectly normal for an emotionally healthy person in a relationship to occassionally feel insecure.

HandcuffBarbie -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 1:37:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Justme696 tell yourself you work hard to please him. If he is never satisfied...the war is lost....sadly. I didn't say he's never satisfied! Wow, this is getting old. So far only TWO people have actually read and responded to what I SAID. This is about MY insecurity; it is not a reflection of his behavior.

Justme696 -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 1:38:44 PM)
quote: I can't seem to get anything right with my Master btw it is you who doesn't read. I said convince yourself.....that is what selfesteem is about. But hé..you need help..not me. Good luck

Smutmonger -> RE: getting through rough patches with self-esteem intact (2/23/2010 1:38:52 PM)
Remember what I said about egocentricity? It creates a sort of self induced blindness. quote: ORIGINAL: HandcuffBarbie quote: ORIGINAL: Justme696 tell yourself you work hard to please him. If he is never satisfied...the war is lost....sadly. I didn't say he's never satisfied! Wow, this is getting old. So far only TWO people have actually read and responded to what I SAID. This is about MY insecurity; it is not a reflection of his behavior.

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