heartfeltsub
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Joined: 11/5/2004
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In response to both the Doormat thread that NZ started and the Where does it end part 2 thread (which scared me a lot), i decided to start this thread based on comments that i made in the Doormat thread. i identify as a submissive, not as a slave. In fact, i identify as a heavily service oriented, exceedingly obedient submissive, but i make it clear if asked that i am not a slave. Part of the reason that i identify that way is that way is because of the fact that the thought of what it would mean to me to be a slave scares me immensely.
While i am not trying to make a universal definition of what it means to be a slave, i have my own definition of what it would mean to me, my own internal definition of a slave. (Please in response to this thread, please do not let this thread denigrate into a definition of a slave thread.) To me, if i were to identify as a slave, it would require of me, to change or give up control of a number of things. For one thing, for me to identify as a slave, would mean to me that i would no longer have the right to say no. For another, if i were a slave, i would not be able to retain control over things like finances, jobs, my business, that sort of thing. And if those things weren't scary enough, it would require of me a vulnerability and an openness that shakes me to my toes. Again, please understand that yes i know that that is not how all people define slavery, but that is how i identify slavery, and why i do not call myself a slave, even though i also have a desire, albeit, one that leaves me shaken, to be a slave. That desire is something i fear and usually deny. In fact, a Dominant friend of mine calls me "Cleo" (that isn't my name), because he says "Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
One of the things that i say when asked about why i am not a slave, even though others keep telling me i am a slave, is that i haven't yet found a man who i trust enough to give that level of control to. Part of why i say that has its root in my relationship with my ex-husband. Although it was not a BDSM D/s relationship, i was submissive to my husband, not only because as a Christian, i believed strongly in being a submissive wife, but also because i am naturally submissive. As i mentioned in the doormat thread, i have very strong doormattish tendencies and i fight giving in to them. i fight giving into them, because of events from my childhood (series of different types and times of abuse both physical and sexual) and because in my relationship with my ex-husband, i had finally come to the place where i needed him in my life, when he decided he now longer wanted to be in my life. That level of intimacy, that level of need, scares me, to go there again. The one time i did, when my ex-husband left, only the thought of what finding my dead body would do to my teenage daughter kept me alive. To go to that level of need for a person again is something that scares me greatly. i don't know, if i ever had to face that situation again, if i could pull myself out of it again. But that vulnerability and intimacy is part of my definition of a M/s relationship.
In the D/s relationship with my former Dominant, there were areas that He did not exert any authority. He could and did make suggestions about areas that he did not have authority, but they were not commands and i could do as i thought best. Giving up control in these areas, maybe being a relationship that requires me to give up my job or business, etc., also scares me.
If i were ever in a M/s relationship instead of a D/s relationship, i know that i would be one of those that takes on my Master's boundaries and limits, not limited his authority in my life. In a D/s relationship, albeit will limits on his range of authority, in a 4 year relationship, i never said no to a command. So to get to the point of this thread. For those who are in M/s relationships where you as the s-type have taken on your Master's limit, thereby not limiting His authority in your life, did you face such fears, if so, how did you deal with them? Or do you still have them?
Thank you in advance for your replies.
heartfelt
_____________________________
Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.
Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.
Life is either a great adventure or nothing.
Helen Keller
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Afraid To Be A Slave - 
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) that created a fair amount of inner turmoil for me. 
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