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Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 2:59:28 AM

susie

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We have had a couple of high profile sports personalities cheating on their wives / partners recently in the UK. Two of these cases have been played out in the press with the details of the alledged affairs printed for everyone to see.

So in your view, what is the worst thing about finding out your partner has cheated. Is it the fact that the cheater wanted something that was not available in the relationship, that the cheater lied or do you think that when cheating takes places there is already something amiss in the relationship?

In one of these cases the wife was a successful singer / presenter and is very attractive.

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 3:03:59 AM

Level

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Being decieved.

There isn't anything wrong with wanting other partners, but betraying another is wrong.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 3:05:33 AM

wittynamehere

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Being decieved.

There isn't anything wrong with wanting other partners, but betraying another is wrong.

Hmmmm, that's exactly what I was about to say.

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 3:11:05 AM

AquaticSub

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1. The lying
2. Seeking something outside the relationship without talking to me first to attempt to resolve any problems we have
3. Compromising my sexual health and removing my ability to make an informed decision about who I want to fuck
4. Depending on the affair, spending family funds while betraying me, lying to me, and removing my ability to decide if you are safe to fuck or not.
5. If there are children, bringing conflict into the home to affect the children (it really makes me laugh how many adults think their affairs aren't noticed by their children, even if the kids don't know what is the wrong, the atmosphere in the house changes).

Val and I are poly and open. I don't give a crap if he decides to fuck another woman or even have a relationship with her. I do care about if he lies to me and doesn't tell me who he is fucking so I can make decisions about my health.

ETA - I do think cheating is a symptom of problems in the relationship. However, that doesn't make it right. In certain circumstances, understandable. But I view understandable as a far cry from "right" or "ok".

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 3/1/2010 3:32:07 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 3:22:35 AM

susie

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I agree. I have always said it is being lied to that I would find the hardest to cope with.

Being lied to and it all being made public must be even more difficult.

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 3:37:10 AM

LaTigresse

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As others have already said...........definitely the lies.

I don't always see it as a symptom the relationship is screwed up, but that the other person is screwed up. If they haven't the guts to be honest with me, then I know there are deeper issues.

There was a woman in my life that was a serial cheater. It had nothing at all to do with what existed between the two of us. She simply could not say no to a good romp. Because they meant nothing to her, she could not understand why it would upset me. But knowing it would upset me, she would avoid me to avoid lying to me. It really was a very sad vicious circle. If ever in my life I have known a sex addict, that woman is it. Her addiction took her from where she was when I first knew her, last year of college for elementary education, to today (last we talked) prostitution. Obviously it was not a direct path, there were stops along the way, stripping, exotic modeling, porn movies, more stripping, 'dating' for a good time and a few dollars, dating for dollars, to massage parlour prostitution.

I doubt that person and experience will echo most, but I used it as an example of how it may not always be an indication that the relationship itself is 'at fault'. I think there are simply some people that are not monogamous and with our society being what it is, they end up with tremendous guilt about their desires, ultimately sneak off, then because of the guilt and societal expectations, lie.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 6

RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 3:47:59 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

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I haven't been cheated on, but I do have experience being the kid in a household (twice) when the husband is cheating.

AquaticSub brought up a lot of points that also affect the children, but I need to add some...as my own two cents worth.

What my father did broke up our family long before any divorce papers went through. He alienated a large part of himself from us, invested his emotional energies elsewhere. He wasn't home when he was home, if you know what I mean. I saw my mother degraded as her friends found out about different women he was having sex with...one was the lady who lived upstairs in our duplex, another was seen by my mother's best friend when she knocked on the door to talk to my mother. The "other woman" answered our door wearing my mother's negligee. Mom was stuck with the women she carpooled home from the factory with, they liked to eat out after work.

My dad's attitude changed. He acted like we weren't even his family anymore and that he deserved to take the best that life had for the picking. Sometimes he wasn't working and was watching us, so how did he find time for all this freedom to have wild crazy sex? He had a toddler and a kindergardener (too tired to spell correctly, so sorry if my spelling is terrible), so he used to lock us outside in the back yard, in the Florida heat for hours, without supervision. Other times, he used to drive us to some store's parking lot and leave us for hours, returning with no groceries and whipping us for peeing in the car.

Cheating can endanger the children in many ways.

Did he pay child support after the divorce? No, he needed all of his money for dating. He was free again, young, like we had never happened.

He tried to get my mom into swinging, and even tried to set her up with a wife swapping thing with his boss. Mom's answer was not what he wanted to hear. Why do some people think that they can have everything they want and damn the consequences? He should have chosen a wife who was into this and didn't mind, or kept his pants zipped. I know about this because I was only in the other room when they argued. Loudly.

Btw, my stepfather cheated as well. When he was drunk he used to brag that he loved to nail a whore in Ohio and come home without bathing and then have sex with his wife. Both times unprotected because he got jollies by having both of their body fluids on him at the same time. I'm lucky that the disease he brought home to her before she learned about this and bought and insisted on condoms EVERY TIME wasn't something like AIDS or hepatitis whatever. I could have had to watch my mother die because of his cheating.

When I was young... it's funny, but I didn't expect any man to be faithful to me. I thought all men cheated. I expected very little, and was very surprised that it didn't happen to me. But then, I was the first to bail out and hit the ground running as soon as some of my trust was broken. They didn't really even stand a chance.

This is also part of what makes cheating so bad. Sorry in advance if anyone finds it off topic.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 4:01:16 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia

I could have had to watch my mother die because of his cheating.

Sorry I just had to repeat this... there is an incident of cheating with my parents. Nothing like what you've described and they've actually gone on to become a stronger couple because it forced them to address issues. However, it still affected me. And one of the things that got me the strongest was knowing that my Mom had to go get tested and watching my Dad walk her back into the house, with the little cotton ball taped to her arm and just having to wait to see if my Mom was going to be all right. She was but... that definately affected me and my views being honest about sexual health.

In many ways, I can understand cheating but I can not understand or forgive putting other's health at risk.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

Post #: 8

RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 4:12:40 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

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AquaticSub :)

Glad to hear that your parents managed to patch their marriage up so well.

....................................

I look forward to coming back to this thread to read what others have to say of their own personal experiences.

It's good to be back here after all this time, I missed the forums.

CynthiaWVirginia a.k.a. cynthiamarie

(in reply to AquaticSub)

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 4:26:30 AM

DesFIP

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My father also was a serial cheater. Not because of any problem in the relationship but as a way not to be hurt if my mother left him. By spreading physical intimacy about, he spread emotional intimacy about also.

Ironically after destroying two marriages, each to wonderful women, he has ended up where he always feared to be, unloved. And the children he never had time for are the ones he now has to depend on.

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 4:26:48 AM

AquaticSub

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Thanks. I wish they'd come to their senses and worked on things before though. Things were really bad for a few years and there are still issues from it that I don't think will ever be resolved. At least I don't have to deal with it as much anymore since I'm out and on my own!

I'm sorry your Mom caught anything but I'm glad it wasn't anything life-threatening. A lot of what you wrote spoke to me - hopefully things are better for you and yours now.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 4:44:31 AM

calamitysandra

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The breach of trust, and the endangering of my physical and mental health are my "front runner" reasons.

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 7:36:03 AM

Smutmonger

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It makes me feel that the one doing it to me is totally unworthy of anything at all.

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 7:51:31 AM

zenny

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quote:

ORIGINAL: calamitysandra

The breach of trust, and the endangering of my physical and mental health are my "front runner" reasons.

+1

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 7:57:18 AM

BrokenSaint

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Well theres the deception, endangerment and all that. Pretty high up there reasons. But at the base, its really, really easy..NOT to do it. I mean hell, it does in fact, take some amount of effort to cheat regardless of how one does it. Not doing so requires you do nothing out of the ordinary. If someone is going to cheat, the very least they can do is inform the person they're dating of that. Or be upfront about it in the beginning.

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In the name of progress,
In the name of madness
Drum beats faster
Crowd shouts louder
and chaos replaces order
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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 10:24:19 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

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quote:

I'm sorry your Mom caught anything but I'm glad it wasn't anything life-threatening. A lot of what you wrote spoke to me - hopefully things are better for you and yours now.

I'm very grateful that my mom is still with me. After her last marriage, she vowed to be finished with men and dating and everything. It's been about 17 years now and she hasn't changed her mind. My dad died around 6 or 7ish years ago, alone. He'd divorced the next wife because he gave her an ultimatum...him, or get rid of her adult high functioning retarded daughter. She chose to keep protecting her daughter and not put her away into some group home. My sister sent me half of his ashes.

A high school friend died from AIDS, and my nephew (sister's stepson) has had HIV for many years. I keep my father's ashes in the kitchen window, and am reminded to be grateful that my mother got lucky and didn't get infected.

I'm still making my peace with him (over many different issues) after all of these years, and our family is still healing from the damage his selfishness caused.

quote:

At least I don't have to deal with it as much anymore since I'm out and on my own!

Good, then you're a better person than I am.

I thought I was okay with everything when I took a bus at 17 and went from West Virginia to California! (I used to live there as a kid, I did not go there dreaming to become a Hollywood starlet.) Anyway, I was shocked and horrified when my father died because I wasn't expecting to feel what I was feeling. I thought I had made peace with him, but instead, I wanted to spread his ashes all over the ground and dance and stomp all over them.

Betrayal is like a rock dropped into still waters. The ripples are much larger and widespread than the rock ever imagined.

I wonder how many would cheat if they could see briefly into the future all the damage that would result from their little indiscretion.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 10:36:25 AM

Vendaval

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The lying and deception followed by STI concerns.

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 10:48:49 AM

mikeyOfGeorgia

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quote:

Cheating - What makes it so bad?

1. Churches make it bad
2. Government makes it bad
3. People make it bad

any more silly questions?

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 11:09:08 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

So in your view, what is the worst thing about finding out your partner has cheated.

I can only answer this from a 'lifestyle' perspective.

I don't care if anyone I am with is married; I do care if they are keeping from their spouse. I guess you can just add that rationalized definition for 'cheating' to every other word used on CM.

The reason I pick that perspective is that it ties into what I believe to be the most essential aspect of a 'lifestyle' relationship, or even a one-night 'experience' - TRUST. I find it impossible to trust anyone who comes to me from a position where a 'vow level' commitment of trust has been broken.

There are many things you can compromise on to experience a desired sensation; only one, trust, (IMO) shouldn't be. Here you are presented with a potential partner who, by definition, isn't trustworthy. The negative potential consequences, not only between you but for all the other people associated with the 'cheater' far outweigh any positive interaction short and long term. Granted there are virtually limitless rationalizations and positive stories of long term 'secret' relationship.

I'd be the first to represent it is a 'me' problem. I don't have the necessary mind-set to consider involving myself in one. I require the ability to trust whoever I'm with at the level of trusting the concept of gravity. I couldn't rationalize believing that a hammer floats up when you drop it on Earth. I can't rationalize 'trust' in someone who is with me as a result of breaking the trust given them by another.

(in reply to susie)

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RE: Cheating - What makes it so bad? - 3/1/2010 11:11:27 AM

Justme696

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quote:

Cheating - What makes it so bad?

beeing discovered

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