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Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 8:27:35 PM   
DigitBox


Posts: 154
Joined: 3/18/2006
Status: offline 		Hi everyone in General BDSM Discussions.  I'm sort of new on CM, I'm a switch but I've been more in the Domme mode for the last little while although I'd still classify my level of experience to be between newbie and intermediate.

Something I've been told by a sub that I was seeing is that I didn't have to say please when I wanted something.  But the thing is for me being polite is just something I do for everyone. 

Saying that, if I'm given a reason to, I can stop being polite and be insistant or demanding.  But usually I will say "Could you do this please?" or "Give me your arm please.".  It's just something that kind of comes naturally to me.

But I dunno, is it normal for the Domme to be polite to the sub? 

Or will I always seem weird for this habit?


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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 8:45:18 PM   
justjill


Posts: 28
Joined: 3/19/2006
Status: offline 		There is nothing wrong with saying please. In fact I think it can be very nice. For me the tone of the order is much more important than the words in the order.  It is always better to be your natural self then feel you have to change or put on an act for your sub's benefit. We can usually see through it and nobody wants that.


(in reply to DigitBox)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 8:49:50 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		Simple answer - yes, they are compatable.

Complicated answer - you will have to find a pyl that agrees with you on this score.  There was a submissive on CM who said in a thread that they got annoyed when a Domme thanked them for a job well done, or asked them to do something instead of demanding.  Personally, I find that politeness will go a long way in a lot of things, and there is nothing wrong with being the kind of person (Dom/me or not) that is polite.  There will always be those who say silly things like "you're too nice to be dominant" ... but you are who you are, and don't let the twerps of the world tell you that it's wrong.  There are definitely pyl's out there who like being appreciated.

< Message edited by SweetDommes -- 3/29/2006 8:50:29 PM >

(in reply to justjill)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 8:49:50 PM   
BrutalAntipathy


Posts: 412
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline 		I can't speak for the Dommes, but there is nothing wrong with being polite and civil no matter who you are, IMO. In fact, the world would be a better place if more people preacticed it.

(in reply to justjill)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 8:50:33 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		Please can be used by one pleading a request, and please can also be used in a tone that very clearly indicates the request is not up for dicussion.

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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 8:51:39 PM   
PrinceSitri


Posts: 99
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline 		If you're weird then so am I. Human beings deserve respect and even if the 'request' I'm making is actually an order I will still phrase it politely. The only exception I can think of to that is if I'm annoyed with them and want them to know it.

(in reply to DigitBox)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 8:54:07 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DigitBox

Something I've been told by a sub that I was seeing is that I didn't have to say please when I wanted something.  But the thing is for me being polite is just something I do for everyone. 



Doing something because you want to is your prerogative as a Domme.  No, you don't have to say please, but if it's your nature to do so then it would be less Dominant of you to change your words to suit your sub's idea of what a Domme should be. 
 
There are many people that confuse dominance with assholishness (ok, I made it up).  Being rude or domineering does not make one dominant, it just makes them rude or domineering.

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"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 8:54:49 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_115949/mpage_1/key_polite/tm.htm#115949
Courtesy from master to slave



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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 9:14:05 PM   
subtoFemDommes


Posts: 72
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DigitBox
Something I've been told by a sub that I was seeing is that I didn't have to say please when I wanted something.  But the thing is for me being polite is just something I do for everyone. 

 
 
Being Dominant doesn't preclude politeness on any level i can see, unless for instance, one might be engaged in creating a scene, expressing YOUR desire to be "less than polite."  Although one of the most powerful dynamics i've ever experienced is an uncompromising demeanor expressing direction and desire, accompanied by very strict physical enforcement, done politely.  Being slapped or strapped with a verbal followup softly spoken, perhaps inquiring if the message is clear ... ummm ... just a minute, i need to find a fan...
 
My instinct is that your submissive is really expressing their need for a different sort of demeanor.  More like topping from the bottom to get what they need.  After all, if being polite is what is comfortable and you express that, they should want to accommodate (or at least not conflict with) what is best for You.
 
The vast majority of Dommes i've known have been very polite, both to myself and others.  As Mistress replies when people say, "You're so nice!" (is She ever...) "Why wouldn't I be?"  While there are moments when being something other than polite towards me are ... quite intoxicating, i really cherish Her politeness towards others.  In fact, i've ended relationships due to the inappropriate way i perceived a partner treating other people. 

(in reply to DigitBox)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 9:36:37 PM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline 		I've answered this before. When I say "please" to one of my students, whether it's "Please take out a piece of paper" or "Please put that cell phone away," they understand it to be an order, not a request. I expect no less intelligence from my submissive.

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~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"


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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 9:59:54 PM   
MstrssScarlet


Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline 		I am always extremely polite until I step into the dungeon.  I've had a submissive ask me during a conversation (before we've played) if I could really be assertive enough.  They mistook my politeness for weakness.  After about ten minutes into my first session with them, I would always grab them by the hair and whisper in their ear "Do you think I'm assertive enough now?".  I ALWAYS get a "Yes Ma'am!".  LOL  There's a time and place for everything.
Mistress Scarlet

(in reply to Misstoyou)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 10:10:21 PM   
fullofgrace


Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline 		i don't think there is anything wrong with being polite, as long as, as others said, the sub recognizes through the tone and context of the phrase that it is meant as an order and not a request. from the perspective of one who serves a male Dom, He is usually polite to me, especially out of a sexual and/or sm context. He also has a habit of thanking me for things that i see as my responsibilities as a sub, which i sometimes find adorably irritating and usually find reassuring. but He is definitely assertive. i don't think that one needs to sacrifice politeness for assertion ESPECIALLY if this is part of your personality...as another said, to change yourself to fit your sub would be less dominant and assertive than being who you are.

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(in reply to MstrssScarlet)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/29/2006 11:37:35 PM   
TheTopHat


Posts: 39
Joined: 3/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DigitBox

Hi everyone in General BDSM Discussions.  I'm sort of new on CM, I'm a switch but I've been more in the Domme mode for the last little while although I'd still classify my level of experience to be between newbie and intermediate.

Something I've been told by a sub that I was seeing is that I didn't have to say please when I wanted something.  But the thing is for me being polite is just something I do for everyone. 

Saying that, if I'm given a reason to, I can stop being polite and be insistant or demanding.  But usually I will say "Could you do this please?" or "Give me your arm please.".  It's just something that kind of comes naturally to me.

But I dunno, is it normal for the Domme to be polite to the sub? 

Or will I always seem weird for this habit?





Offcourse they are compatible.  By the same token with a 'true slave' you don't have to say please but should you wish to that is 100% your perogative; however, why a dominant would choose to be rude is beyond me -- if you have established total control of somebody nothing is gained by being rude to them.  Now for the part that will probably get me flamed from every side: I think if a dominant isn't polite to anyone, but especially to a potential slave/sub, that should set warning bells ringing as to their capability and the safety of the situation.  (Usual disclosure about blanket statements having exceptions).


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Just my 2.31 cents (In Canada you see)

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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/30/2006 2:46:51 AM   
dave1212


Posts: 158
Joined: 1/2/2006
From: Lancashire UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DigitBox

Hi everyone in General BDSM Discussions.  I'm sort of new on CM, I'm a switch but I've been more in the Domme mode for the last little while although I'd still classify my level of experience to be between newbie and intermediate.

Something I've been told by a sub that I was seeing is that I didn't have to say please when I wanted something.  But the thing is for me being polite is just something I do for everyone. 

Saying that, if I'm given a reason to, I can stop being polite and be insistant or demanding.  But usually I will say "Could you do this please?" or "Give me your arm please.".  It's just something that kind of comes naturally to me.

But I dunno, is it normal for the Domme to be polite to the sub? 

Or will I always seem weird for this habit?





I have to take my hat off to you Digitbox..
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being polite ..
Politeness is not a sign of weakness

_____________________________

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~Distracting/reacting~
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(in reply to DigitBox)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/30/2006 2:51:37 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

quote:

ORIGINAL: DigitBox

Something I've been told by a sub that I was seeing is that I didn't have to say please when I wanted something.  But the thing is for me being polite is just something I do for everyone. 



Doing something because you want to is your prerogative as a Domme.  No, you don't have to say please, but if it's your nature to do so then it would be less Dominant of you to change your words to suit your sub's idea of what a Domme should be. 
 
There are many people that confuse dominance with assholishness (ok, I made it up).  Being rude or domineering does not make one dominant, it just makes them rude or domineering.


LOL at "assholishness"......I'm adding that to my vocabulary. And I agree with the rest of what you said too.

(in reply to yourMissTress)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/30/2006 2:56:05 AM   
MsAlexaandJack


Posts: 11
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I am always polite as I consider rudeness distasteful, but sometimes necessary. When I ask my sub to do something, I do exactly that ask...Would you please go warm up my car for me? When he does so I say thank you. Just because your a dominant doesn't give a person any right to be rude or less courteous. I am even polite while scening saying slut lick my ankles and saying thank you when he does. Everyone has their own style though so what may work for me, may not work for someone else.

~MsAlexa

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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/30/2006 3:41:38 AM   
fldrkhorse


Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		 [I can't speak for the Dommes, but there is nothing wrong with being polite and civil no matter who you are, IMO. In fact, the world would be a better place if more people preacticed it. ]
 
Well said!

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(in reply to BrutalAntipathy)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/30/2006 4:02:32 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Something I've been told by a sub that I was seeing is that I didn't have to say please when I wanted something.  


On this one i can only ask is he topping from the bottom? As you are the Domme generally it is your decision as to how you speak.

quote:

But the thing is for me being polite is just something I do for everyone. 

Saying that, if I'm given a reason to, I can stop being polite and be insistant or demanding.  But usually I will say "Could you do this please?" or "Give me your arm please.".  It's just something that kind of comes naturally to me.

But I dunno, is it normal for the Domme to be polite to the sub? 



Normal, it may not be normal for everyone. Nor is it normal for everyone to be demanding.
This is one of those issues on which you must decide what is normal for you.
My Mistress and Master are unvaryingly polite with me. They will ask for things like “get me a fresh soda please" and often say "thank you" or nod their head in acknowledgement.
Both are just naturally polite with everyone. Good manners mark a civilized person.
Please, do not get me wrong here. Perfectly well do i comprehend those polite requests mean “do it now".

None of us here see a conflict between being polite and obtaining obedience.



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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/30/2006 4:06:05 AM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		Dommes or Doms who are rude and nasty as a general rule in the scene often get a well deserved reputation that isn't very nice quickly and most of us who are serious about this lifestyle don't take them very seriously.

You have to get along to get along....

Kassie


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"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to DigitBox)
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RE: Being the Domme and being polite, are they compatible? - 3/30/2006 4:12:03 AM   
CAROLF


Posts: 56
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline 		this is all very interesting.  when i'm referred to with politeness i know that i am thought of highly.  if i were not treated well, i would not feel as if i were a good sub and my self esteem would go down.  i would not then be able to serve as i like: SERVICE WITH A SMILE :)  want some fries with that?

(in reply to twicehappy)
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