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Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 3:07:10 AM   
MadameMonique


Posts: 35
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I wonder sometimes if others in the lifestyle sometimes concider hanging up their whips.  As much as it is a pleasure to play, after a while the casual play becomes unfurfilling (much like a series of one night stands would in the vanilla world) and the transition from casual play to something deeper, more meaningful, more intense and long term becomes becomes nothing more then an unobtainable desire. 

I believe that BDSM runs in my veins and it is a very natural and intrinsic part of myself yet I feel that the constant fruitless search wears me down, one disapointment after another becomes unbarable.   I wonder how to balance that feeling with the desire to full whole within myself,  By denying or suspressing what I know is an element of myself and how I define myself as a person is not healthy I am sure.  

This paradox of emotion leaves me wondering what is ultimatly the healthiest, most self forfling decision... is it to continue the search and experiance disapointment after disappointment with an attitude of optimisim that I will eventully find what I seek, Or with grace and dignity hang up my whips and acknolege that this part of me exists, but must remain unsatisfied ?

Im sure many people are not at this place and do not understand why I can not get the joy I once useto from casual play, which, not to sound conceited, as a young female Domme I can pretty much have on tap,  after all there is 100 submissive men  to every Domme,  each one so far lacking the the necicairy compatibility I seek.

Which does begin to beg the question, am I too selective,  am I expecting too much in a meer man?  I dont think I am,  If we were talking in a vanilla sense Im sure no one would advise me to date a man that did not make me happy...  why is this any diffrent ?  Why should I settle for what is offered if the mutural compatibility is not there?

Now I understand that for others they require no more then the 2 basic compatibility triats, 1 Dom/me + 1 sub = Play partners....  But I do expect more... When I first started out, I was younger and far more foolish, greatful for the opitunity to play at all....  But now want more, and expect more.   Im no longer satisfied with their submission on the basis that I am dominate, I began to get the feeling that the tables had turned, and I was no more then a figure head for some sleezy sub to play out his own fantasy, that he (and this "he" applies in general to all past play patners) did not care who he was submitting to,  just that he could submit....  he probably would have submitted to a 3 headed troll if it weilded a whip. 

Perhaps I am begining to sound cynical, and if this is the cynicisim brought on by the futile search then perhaps it is healthier to hang up the whips and join the ranks of the unsatisfied but less jaded -The married men looking for a spark on the side because they gave up and settled for something less,  something that while great; did not fulfill all their needs. Perhaps the nasty old spinster who hates the world because she was never happy with what she had? Is it better to give up then fail repeatedly?  Is the holy grail worth it? 

Really Id rather just have my cake and eat it too.
 
-Monique
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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 3:24:38 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		hi Monique

After reading your post I was surprised upon looking up your profile that your 21 years old. I dont mean that in a derogatory sense, its just I would expect a post like that from someone older who had become jaded with the whole singles scene. I snapped myself out of that thought realising you can do a hell of a lot of living by the time your 21, so many clubs and parties and weekends,  you coulda been doing it for 3 years straight. Its absolutely enough time to realise you want more than just a little light relief and fun each weekend. It's absolutely enough time to become cynical of the superficial thrill that constantly changing play partners would bring.

Damn, Im not offering any advice yet, still thinking...

Ok here is my take on it.... I dont think you will have much luck finding someone in Australia who really wants to live within a D/s relationship, You should import someone from the United States like I did *grin*

Seriously though, if your looking for a permanent D/s partner and your not having any luck, maybe the answer is as simple as trying a different avenue that you have used so far. ..

Or perhaps its time to sit down and evaluate what it is you really want in life....a good way to do that is to write a list of  "I dont wants...." it can be pages and pages long..do it till you start repeating yourself....then start with the "I wants" Good way to work out your priorities and it might give you your answer to whether the grail you perceive is actually the one you want and just where on the list it turns up in priority.  These lists can be done on any area of life.

Once you really know, walk through hell and high water to get it.

I think Im rambling, its getting late  Good Luck I hope you find what your looking for.


< Message edited by slavejali -- 3/30/2006 3:53:48 AM >

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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 3:33:05 AM   
SoulfulSadism


Posts: 53
Joined: 9/3/2005
Status: offline 		My experience:

The transition from lust to love is harder than at might first appear. It's not just a change in focus - it's close to change in personality.
Also, it's impossible to have both - you can have love and desire, or you can have lust - but not love and lust.

Whatever the answer , it's within you. Might be a good answer, or might be bad - you may decide that the world is at fault, or that you are - or both - but the answer's there.

Good luck.

(in reply to MadameMonique)
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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 3:52:06 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		You write like a woman of many generations, yet when I look at your profile, I see 21??? You now know what you want with a lifetime to find it.

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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 4:08:54 AM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		Been there, done that, came back.

Kassie


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(in reply to MadameMonique)
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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 4:46:54 AM   
Submotive


Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline 		Please don't lose heart Ma'am. It's not an easy thing to find Your right one. It took me what felt like forever, and i'm a heckava lot older than You. My thoughts, if they are helpful, You don't have to play and You don't have to give up, just keep looking. i found the qualities i need in my Master before He ever raised a hand to me. i felt discouraged and remember even crying after a munch one time because i had this horrible feeling that i didn't even really belong in the BDSM lifestyle. Others didn't seem to want what i wanted and, what's worse, didn't seem to even understand what i sought. But i didn't give up and i am a truly happy girl now with a wonderful Master.

_____________________________

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i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to MadameMonique)
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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 5:47:32 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's extremely common for both doms and subs to experience burn-out of the scene.  One only hopes that they don't do a large drama fest of "I'm leaving the scene forever!  It is too cold and harsh for someone wonderful like me!" (this usually comes after months of extolling how wonderful and better the scene is than anything else).  After the initial frenzy and settling pattern occurs, harsh reality chips away and they decide its not for them.

Usually within 6 months they come back.  I've known a handful of doms who were stupid enough to actually give away all their toys and had to start over completely.  And there's one local dom who has infamously come into and left the scene publicly at least twice now.

Just do what feels best for you.  Keep busy in all aspects of life.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MadameMonique)
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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 5:51:19 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		MANY of us have felt the very same thing. Many of us have hung up our whips in frustration & many of us came back because we find that we cannot deny our true selves.

It is quite normal to feel this way. I myself felt this way numerous times. I finally came to a decision that the casual aspects were not going to satisfy my real need & I refused to participate in casual exchanges (play partners).

Many of my friends tried to convince me that I needed to explore interactions with others... I explained to them that this was not going to solve anything. I didn't need to practice nor did I need to experience various responses to my style of play. My need was far deeper than what could be satisfied within a session. I had one friend make a comment... consider play like a box of chocolates...sample from each & have fun doing so. My reply was, what do I need with cherry fillings & mint creme centers when I already know that it is a Hershey's Big Block that I need. I was completely over pinching the chocolates to see what was inside.

Casual play left me feeling empty & used up... that I was in fact satisfying others & not myself. I became the one offering service & not receiving anything in return.

It took me many years to find my current partner. It was difficult to attend so many lifestyle functions as a single dominant woman & have to explain so often how one of the most sought out "type" within this was single. ( fairly attractive, 30's, female dominant)

By standing firm in my decision to not settle for anyone less than best for me & eventually found the partner I have always desired. In fact, I found that my partner really didn't fit into the exact mold I had in my mind. So often we get so caught up in the search we tend to overlook so many possibilities.

My best advice is to find your core group. Enjoy your social interactions with them & do not sweat the looking for a partner aspects. Everyone here can tell you that you will most likely meet that person when you least expect it & typically this happens when aren't even looking.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 6:35:09 AM   
Moloch


Posts: 1090
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		You need to come up with a better screening process to distinguish leg humpers from those who are interested in BDSM.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 6:43:27 AM   
sultryvoice


Posts: 368
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline 		I have left the lifestyle and come back and you know, nothing has changed. I wish to be in service to a male Dom but as I 've stated before, no one will even take a chance with me. Noone will approach me. I am serving a Grand Mistress right now for the learning experience and it's only service in the true sense. When I find someone we both agree on, I will then go with him. But, at this rate..I will be alone.

I have thought of going back to an only  vanilla life. I have also seen people I know leave and come back, as stated before. I know I am picky and I'm sure others are too. I also beleive my age is a factor. I just can't go with anyone. I want to be sure there is enough in common to sustain a relationship.

Sometimes one doesn't find what they need and just goes elsewhere to look. We all have tried different paths to find what we need. I am still trying. But, in the meantime, I just try to have fun and learn.

Respectfully,
sultry

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For it is they who let in the light.


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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 7:21:48 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
I thought the same thing.

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 7:23:32 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		What I'm hearing is that you are tired of the "meet and beat" and are ready for a fullfilling relationship. Finding such isn't easy, even in the vanilla world. Add that we are a subset of this society, the choiced can be limiting. Look into real time groups (you're finally old enough! LOL). Keep your standards and don't play unless you either have a need to or are checking compatibility.

I know that the scene in Australia is rather fractured...and can be very fetish oriented. But, there are those out there who are looking for more. You might have to be very patient...but if it's worth having, it's worth waiting for.

Fire


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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 8:40:23 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Please excuse my lack of understanding here, but i've been sick and not all together here. So my wording might be alittle off.
It's hard to look forward to the future of being... when you feel you've been through the being had aspects. It's like you said... some will submit to a 3 headed troll... ok, I had to giggles at that. Because I've met Doms before that would also try to dominate 3 headed trolls if it would submit to them.
Not all, but a good number of Doms (male species) do look for the rush, the kink, and not long term commitment to the submissives they seek out. They've learn the right words, to play the game. And when they feel they've made a connection with one, they swoop in for the "kill". After they get bored, or feel the sub is getting to close... here comes the words.. "I do not think we're compatible". After a few of those, it too makes a submissive want to walk away and see if vanilla life is really for them. They meet someone, fall in love, but can't stop the feeling of being denied their true nature.
I could fall back on the aspects that you're 21, you got plenty of time to feel different things. Look about and not give up. But your post sets me to thinking though your age is 21, you mentality is much older, your experiance has gone further than your age should probably allowed. I know as a submissive, mine did the same when I was 21. (now I'm just in my 2nd nut case childhood.. LOL) So you've reached the time in your life that you know what you really want. No a damn thing wrong with that. I can only say, stay true to yourself, and what you want. Look at what you want, see if there's something you can ease up on, but not give up on. But as for being too picky?... why settle for something less? Why just settle at all? Being honest, will settle for anything less than what you really want... make you happy?....... I would rather be alone.... than settle for anything less than what I know I need, want, can give and be happy.


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Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 9:46:51 AM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline 		My whips may coil up and sleep for a spell in their lairs, but never do they feel a need to leave me. We're all one happy family, you see. And some say you can't choose family.

(in reply to MadameMonique)
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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 10:05:13 AM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		You are not alone.  All of My things are put away right now.  Except My favorite wooden spatula and My bells.  *Smiles at The Ranger*  I even released My part time live out boy.  I was tired and sick of the games. 
I keep an open mind, meet with My friends in the lifestyle, and come to these boards (way too often *G*), and I play occasionally on My niteflirt lines.  That is fun but not fulfilling.
They say that you find what you are seeking when you
stop looking.  I stopped actively looking about 5 months ago.  In that time I have been in contact with only one who holds any promise which is iffy at best, and would be a long term exploration.  *Shrugs*  We shall see what we shall see...but I am not ready to just call it a day and remove Myself completely.
Welcome to the boards, and hope you hang around. 
Good luck.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to MadameMonique)
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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 10:18:22 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		From the title I thought the thread was about where and how you stored whips.....

There are times that I think "gee, wouldn't it be nice to be all vanilla and "normal" but then I remember that would strip me of who I am as myself.

Of course, I'm blessed with a loving and supportive husband and a live-in slave. I have support for being kinky and some of what I want all ready so these "normal questions' may not come up as often for me.


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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 10:19:57 AM   
TeeGO


Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline
I can relate somewhat.  I am reeling right now myself.  I just came on the boards this afternoon for a friendly read, no way I would post in my current mind frame.  I have released myself from my Domme.  I love her and we will always be great friends.  But when something is destructive and not constructive, it’s time to turn the corner no matter what your emotions.

Just take a hiatus, a time to pause for reflection.  Look within yourself and see what change you need to make in your focus that might bring about the fulfillment of your search. That’s sort of my plan.

Many and many have claimed that with patience you will find what you seek. That's too many good opinions to ignore.  Life is worth the effort, but only effort will make it worth it.  I always try to remember that.  It's not always easy.

(in reply to MadameMonique)
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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 11:17:45 AM   
MizSuz


Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Monique,

I feel great empathy with your plight.  I have only one suggestion.  Stop looking, which is to say - let go of your agenda (finding 'the one').  Be open to interaction with people you find pleasant to interact with, reassess why you play and set boundaries around meeting your own needs and wants, be firm with your boundaries but not so much that there is no room to grow.  Don't let someone else's fervor to find a domme infect you.  Then let the chips fall where they may.  Once you stop searching and just 'be' I think you're going to be amazed at the quality of the people and relationships that float into your life.

Searching indicates need and relationships that start from a foundation of need tend to be transitory.  Stop needing anything outside of yourself and you will find that you draw people to you of the same calibre.  That's a pretty good jumping off place, to my mind.

Good luck with it.

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 3/30/2006 11:18:15 AM >

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“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

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RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 11:24:57 AM   
WichitaDomFem


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/4/2005
Status: offline 		MadameMonique

My advice for you is to take a break for a few weeks. Rethink all that you seek, want, need, write it down and post it on your profile. Then weed out the bad before you waist your time talking with them or meeting them. And scene for your satisfaction only till you find "HIM" Take a month or two and make them ALL ABOUT YOU!!!
I do hope this helps

Mistress Carla

(in reply to MadameMonique)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Hanging up my whips - 3/30/2006 11:52:30 AM   
SirPain


Posts: 25
Joined: 3/26/2004
Status: offline 		M. Monique,

I have read the responses to your post and I think that this will have to be a decision you make for yourself.  All I can say is that after nearly thirty years in this lifestyle that I too have often thought about leaving and never returning.  But, as you have already acknowledged, once you get this in your blood, it will never leave you.  I have tried putting up my whips and floggers and all the other toys (the last time I only packed them away and put them in the attic so I didn't have to rebuy them all over again), but they seem to call to me.  They seem to have a life of their own when I'm not using them.  They not only want to be used, they need to be used. 

My recommendation to you is just as clear as that of many of the others here have stated.  Take some time off, go to the beach, relax, do not put any expectations on yourself.  Don't even think about this lifestyle for three or four weeks, maybe longer.  Just let your mind and body become one with each other and let yourself float away in a sea of nothingness.  Then when you feel the time is ready, decide. Do you want to stay where you are and live your same lifestyle as before or do you maybe want to seek some adventure and want to move to another state or country?  Don't act right away, take some more time and ponder your decision.  Is this really what you want to do?  If it is, then get on with it and find that new and wonderful slave/sub whom you will have the time to use to your hearts content.  Find what is going to make you happy and live it and breath it and smell it and taste it.  Embrace it and be you.

Sir Pain

(in reply to MadameMonique)
Profile   Post #: 20
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