Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real than marriage

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Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real than m... - 3/4/2010 9:58:43 AM

osf

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i just read a profile where a woman said she wants a dom with a sense of humor because d/s was not real

so the question is do you find your sense of commitment any less than you would or have in a marriage

does being socially sanctioned make marriage more real?

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 10:14:04 AM

ladynlord

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Personal opinion only: The whole idea behind state sponsored marriage is to afford stability and a set of laws/rules/consequences to a relationship. It is called a marriage contract. Breaching the contract results in some of these laws and rules "kicking in". Marriages have been slowly but surely getting easier to get out of. Divorce is easier and quicker. Abuse (real or created), adultery, and other reasons approved by the state, give you an immediate rip chord divorce. But at the heart of all of this is whether your word is your bond. Did the vows or pledge that you took mean anything to you, or is it the state sponsored license that keeps you in line?

The D/s relationship is based upon your word as well. If you value your word and promises, then it is just as real between the parties.

NOTE: this is not a same sex marriage state sponsorship question, so don't twist what I have written on this limited point into something it does not intend to address!

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(in reply to osf)

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 10:22:34 AM

juliaoceania

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I think that marriage and D/s are not mutually exclusive relationships, number one...

I also think that all relationships differ to such an extent it would be ridiculous to claim one type of relationship is more real than another...

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 10:23:53 AM

chores4sf

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Anything that is socially sanctioned is more real, we're social creatures. The reason people can be so flippant about D/s is because they feel they have no responsibility toward the other person other then gratification, specifically, because of the lack of social consequences due to the often private nature of D/s relationships. This is maybe a great thing philosophically but unfortunately most people aren't philosophers.

The reason marriage is powerful for many people is because they've accepted a social responsibility, accepted that others will judge their actions toward their partner and that they will be held to a standard greater then their own needs.

It is possible for someone to make the same sort of social commitment within a D/s context and that would certainly make their commitment more real.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 10:25:34 AM

GreedyTop

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I am married to the man who is my dominant. Does one construct negate the other? No.

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 10:26:21 AM

DarlingSavage

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I haven't been there yet, but I'm of the mind that if my Dom isn't also my partner in life, then what the fuck is the point? I realize that there are some people that can have a D/s bond without love/commitment/relationship ties. I don't disparage them, that kind of thing is just not for me. I want the whole kit 'n' caboodle. Also, I think that a good sense of humour is a reasonable and necessary facet of any kind of relationship. I like to make people laugh too much and I like it when other people make me laugh. I just like to laugh!

(in reply to ladynlord)

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 11:25:27 AM

wisdomtogive

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I think the answer would like with what a person wants in a relationship, and it really doesnt have to be marriage or D/s in that case.

My personal expression in life is to be committed. I show the same amount of commitment to Sir, as I did in my late marriage. He too views relationships the same way. Though I have no plans to marry anymore, i still plan to live commited.

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 11:37:01 AM

ForeverOwned

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There is a big difference between a relationship which can be ended by just walking away or let's going from partner to partner to partner or to have as many partners that you want acceptable..

Marriage is suppose to be a committment for life. You vow to be faithful and you vow to stay together in sickness and in health, etc... Till death do you part. You expect both parties to honor those vows.

Having said that a reatationship married or otherwise is only as good as what the two people put into it.

There have been people that are with the same person for twenty or thirty years. They are not married, see no need for it, but are as true blue as the day is long. Then there are couples that can't make a marriage work for more than a month.

So, like most things, this too, has to be judged on an individual basis.

< Message edited by ForeverOwned -- 3/4/2010 11:40:42 AM >

(in reply to wisdomtogive)

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 11:45:14 AM

DWCskitten

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Joined: 3/2/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

i just read a profile where a woman said she wants a dom with a sense of humor because d/s was not real

so the question is do you find your sense of commitment any less than you would or have in a marriage

does being socially sanctioned make marriage more real?

In my opinion, commitment is in the heart. One is either committed or they are not, whether or not there is a piece of paper involved. i have been married before and i have had D/s relationships before....if i had to choose either/or, i would choose to be in a commited D/s relationship, but it would need to be one with love/companionship, and all the rest too. i want the whole pie.

my sense of commitment is just as strong in a D/s relationship as it would be in a marriage.

In my opinion, there are just too many people out there that sign contracts and don't honor them anyway, whether it's a marriage contract or a D/s or M/s contract,so why is the paper so important??

~edited to add~
In the event that anyone might think i didn't honor my marriage contract.....he fell in love with someone else & i continued to stay until he told me it was over.

< Message edited by DWCskitten -- 3/4/2010 11:49:47 AM >

(in reply to osf)

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 1:09:49 PM

wisdomtogive

Posts: 636
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DWCskitten

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

i just read a profile where a woman said she wants a dom with a sense of humor because d/s was not real

so the question is do you find your sense of commitment any less than you would or have in a marriage

does being socially sanctioned make marriage more real?

In my opinion, commitment is in the heart. One is either committed or they are not, whether or not there is a piece of paper involved. i have been married before and i have had D/s relationships before....if i had to choose either/or, i would choose to be in a commited D/s relationship, but it would need to be one with love/companionship, and all the rest too. i want the whole pie. my sense of commitment is just as strong in a D/s relationship as it would be in a marriage.

In my opinion, there are just too many people out there that sign contracts and don't honor them anyway, whether it's a marriage contract or a D/s or M/s contract,so why is the paper so important??

~edited to add~
In the event that anyone might think i didn't honor my marriage contract.....he fell in love with someone else & i continued to stay until he told me it was over.

Excellent post kitten:)

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 1:47:02 PM

hejira92

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From: Palm Beach County, Fl
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My relationship with Sir is more real than my marriage was because we are real about who we are. I don't want to open up the whole "D/s is more intimate because of the roles and rules" debate, but, for me, I am now in the most intimate relationship I have ever had. There is total commitment and no plans for marriage.

Now, the socially acceptable/responsible part- we are a committed couple to our families and social circles. The D/s (except for a few exceptions) is none of their business.

BTW, we laugh all the time. Real D/s, real commitment and real laughter.

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 1:50:09 PM

wittynamehere

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quote:

ORIGINAL: osf
Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real than marriage

Direct comparison between a style of relationship and a legal status fails, for obvious reasons.

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 2:58:46 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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~Fast Reply~

I don't regard these as either-or concepts. I am married to my owner and I don't see our d/s dynamic as being more or less real than our marriage. One has a legal standing and the other doesn't but I don't think that affects "realness" in the BDSM world or otherwise. Some vanilla couples chose to be life partners without actually marrying for varying reasons and their relationships are certainly as real as married people. I'd say what determines "realness" (though I loathe to use the term) are the people involved and how well they adhere to the expectations they have set for their relationship, regardless of what those are.

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 3:14:03 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Having been married to a dominant man...it was all the same. I like it all tied together into one.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 3:55:22 PM

DWCskitten

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive
Excellent post kitten:)

Thanks wisdom!

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 4:12:45 PM

littleone35

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A marriage and D/s one is no more real than the other. I am fully commototed to my Master. We have no plans to marry at this time but that does not make our realstionship any less real. We have a bond of love, trust respect snd honesty. Now i am not saying there is anything wrong with being maried all my sisters and brothers are married. Their marrige is not more real than my relationship just different.

As for the humor part i love to make Master laugh and he makes me laugh as well. Like the song we are "Happy Together"

Matt's littleone

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 4:27:35 PM

kallisto

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I don't see either/or being any more or less committed than the other one. It's the people in the relationship that make the degree of committment. One is a legally recognized relationship.

(in reply to littleone35)

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 4:34:48 PM

peppermint

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They are both relationships...enough said.

Edited to add: Words like "more real", "stronger", "more intense", "more loving", or any such comparison inferring that one is superior in some way to the other are utter nonsense, in my opinion.

< Message edited by peppermint -- 3/4/2010 4:38:43 PM >

(in reply to osf)

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 5:29:40 PM

LafayetteLady

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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

They are both relationships...enough said.

Edited to add: Words like "more real", "stronger", "more intense", "more loving", or any such comparison inferring that one is superior in some way to the other are utter nonsense, in my opinion.

Well said peppermint. The implication the OP is making is that one relationship is better or more powerful than the other. Many people on this site will swear up and down until they spit chicklets that a BDSM relationship is more real, more intense and more committed than any "vanilla" relationship they ever had, whether it was marriage or not.

As peppermint said so well..."utter nonsense." People who are in a committed relationship regardless of whether or not there is a power dynamic are in a committed relationship. While many like to claim it is not easy to get out of a marriage, it is really rather simple. A "lifestyle" couple makes a commitment, but we see posts everyday about how one or the other violates that committment.

I think the real question is why some people seem to feel a need to validate the commitment they have being "better" than another type of commitment. Yes, marriage offers certain legal protections only available to married partners, but it doesn't make it more "real" than the commitment a "lifestyle" couple has or more real than a plain old vanilla couple who have made a commitment to each other without the benefit of marriage.

All three relationships are as "real" as the others. However, only through marriage are there consequences for the relationship ending.

(in reply to peppermint)

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RE: Do you think a d/s relationship is any less real th... - 3/4/2010 6:30:50 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

i just read a profile where a woman said she wants a dom with a sense of humor because d/s was not real

so the question is do you find your sense of commitment any less than you would or have in a marriage

does being socially sanctioned make marriage more real?

The underlined sentence does not make sense to me. Are doms without a sense of humor fake or is it the d/s that's fake with a humor challenged dom? Why is someone who thinks d/s isn't real, looking for a dominant?

Osf, not picking on you, I promise. But, how did you jump from that single statement to the correlation you are making between a commitment to d/s and marraige? What am I missing?

Am I just being dense and not getting the underlined statement? Can someone explain it to me?

Ok, that out of the way, I'll answer the actual questions.

Since I never expect to ever marry again, I sure hope that my sense of commitment to any relationship I'm in would be as strong without it.

If I was looking for sanction from society, it might make it more real. But I'm not. So, no.

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 20

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