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CaringandReal -> RE: Giving up (3/7/2010 8:02:26 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: warmwoman29
I'm giving up on the search.
After 10 years of seeking and not finding, I have come to the conclusion that what I seek does not exist.
The fact that mere "friendship" is not possible with these people further solidifies my decision. I get so tired of mens' profiles saying 'I'm looking for friends' but still they can't be bothered to respond to my messages. I guess a woman has to be fuckable in order to be friendship material.
How sad. [:(]
When I take your responses in this huge thread as a whole, the message I hear is that you're unhappy with the situation would prefer to fix it rather than just giving up. To that end here are a few practical suggestions.
1. Yes absolutely, dump the current profile and make a new, anonymous one. While most people do not read people's forum posts, the ones who matter do.
2. A picture is a good thing. It gets you noticed more. It doesn't have to be a self-image. But something meaningful to you is a good idea. If you're unsure if the picture sends the wrong message, ask a few people you trust. Or ask in these forums and only listen to the responses of those people who already strike you as smart and realistic. Ignore the rest.
3. You have clear signs of Collarme Fever: it's a disease some of us get when we've been on this site too long or subject to more than the usual amount of random web stupidity. If you don't already have profiles that you maintain on other personal-ad sites, both bdsm and non-bdsm, set some up. Yes, it's a pain to find new sites that you like or meet your needs, but there are thousands of them online the web and a search for the right ones, while time-consuming, is worth the effort, IMO. Having your eggs in other baskets, on other sites, helps relieve the pressure to find the right person on _this_ site, and makes it easier to take what happens here less seriously. Since a lot of idiotic things happen here, that is a good thing!
A non-bdsm site that I really like is OKcupid. I like it because it gives you endless things to do, fun things like answer personality questions or take silly quizzes that other people make up, when you're not looking for a partner. It's playful and relaxing and makes you hate personal-ad sites less. Sites like that relieve the stress of being here. Sites like this, however, are probably (can't say for sure as there are lots of kinky people on OKCupid!) where you're going to meet someone right for you.
4. I apparently came in too late to see what text you used to have on the profile. All I see is an update notice and a good opening paragraph. Take the update notice down, by the way, it's nobody's business but your own, and makes the profile appear weaker.
5. Say some more things in the profile. Have a paragraph on vanilla interests, say why they interest you, don't just list words. Have another one on the bdsm activities (or if you aren't that experienced, your fantasies) that most attract you. You don't have to get really explicit here, but do add a few physical things like spanking or bondage, public display, (substitute your own interests, obviously) in additional to more psychological things, like "head of household relationship." Also, have a "facts of life"paragraph. By that I mean list significant life circumstances of your own that people will want to know up front, like whether you can relocate or what must be done (like sell a house) before you could do so, whether you have children and what their ages are, if you work, what you do, if you have any obligations, such as a sick parent, your pets, whether you smoke, if you have any handicaps or illnesses and if these interfere with bdsm activities, etc. (If some of these are too personal for a public profile, just be sure to put them in the first or second email.)
Ignore the fact that most of of the things I'm asking you to write more about may already be in your interests list. Lots of people do not read those lists (I am one) and many people find lists boring and meaningless. If you have passions, describe what you really like about them, that's what will catch peoples' eyes.
6. Your journal comments look Ok to me. I don't see the dramatic negativity that others are reporting. Maybe you edited those as well before I saw this thread. Some minor things: the song lyrics are confusing to me. In general, its risky to post lyrics, as music is so personal and if you haven't actually heard a song and heard the singer's inflections on the words, they may appear meaningless. The comment after the song lyrics, the one that starts out "Some thoughts..." belongs in your main profile, not in a comment. The limits comment has the potential to be a strong hook (something that draws people in, makes them interested) but it needs some work. After saying you have five limits, and before the final sentence, list what two of the five are. Any two is fine, but if it were me I'd choose the two already in your interests list. That might make a few people wonder, "well, what are the other three?" and write you to find out.
7. This is the most important thing you could do, I think: stop writing other dominants, at least for two months, perhaps for a much longer time. The non-response is making you very unhappy and you need to break out of the negative mood. I don't blame you for feeling this way, it makes a lot of men unhappy too, and they post threads about it here. (Those are worth looking up and reading, by the way--the non-snarky responses to them provide some insight.) So stop doing what makes you miserable: that's a basic principle of happy living. Instead, make them come to you, write you. The standard ways you do this, as you probably know if you've been here 10 years, are:
a. Make your profile attractive and intriguing, someone that dominants will want to write, while still remaining utterly honest and true to who you are. Adding little hooks, like the one about the limits, that give people an opening, something to talk to you about, helps.
b. Contine to browse profiles, even if you don't write the men. Browse for about half an hour a day if you have the time. Click the full profile so the man knows you've visited and looked at the full thing. It increases your chances of being noticed. Browsing keeps you at the top of most people's lists (which is based on the default setting of "last on." As you probably know, Collarme interprets "last on" as last time you clicked the Home button or last time you selected a profile in your list to read. Perhaps a few other actions refresh your "last on" time. If so, I don't know what they are.)
c. Favorite the few profiles that are outstanding. It pays a compliment, gets you noticed by the right men (the men that attract you), and might cause someone to be intrigued and write you back.
d. Add comments to your journal as you have time, but don't just add stuff that "expresses who you really are" as that stuff can be negative. Add little stories about your life, hopes, dreams, things you think will entertain others, stuff that, if you read on someone else's profile, would make you smile and possibly like the person.
8. The primary key to finding someone on this site is persistance, preserverance. Giving up may be temporarily gratifying, but it won't get you what you really want. As Winston Churchill said "Never, never, never...give in." The quote is longer and he said it about outer obstacles, but to me, even if you're a great man like Churchill, the biggest obstable is usually one's self. :)
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