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My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 7:20:08 PM   
cutelinygurl84


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline 		My bf is very vanilla in bed and new to this life style. I try to be wild and kinky with him in bed but he seems to hate it.  He allways tells me he wants to just do the same things over and over again.  At times I want to be wild and spice it up.  I need a change every once and a while.  I was just wondering if there are any ways I can get him to spice things up so we can have more fun in the bedroom?  I want my bf to be my dom and become more wild but its not going how I planned.   Any thoughts you have on this topic would be greatly appreciated. 

Cutelinygurl84
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 7:30:59 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		If he really doesn't want to be kinky, there isn't much that can be done and that's how it sounds in your post.  The only luck I've had in helping people in this regard is when the dom is embarrassed or worried about enjoying what he or she sees as "abusive."  That can yield to education and example, but if the desire isn't there, there's not much you can do to make someone enjoy it.

It's like me and the outdoors.  I was a Marine.  I can survive quite well in places where others would be worm food, but I really don't enjoy it.  Given a choice between a fishing trip living in a tent and a week in a Phat Phong hotel, the fish would live a long and happy life.

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(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 7:49:44 PM   
CanadianGuy


Posts: 219
Status: offline 		Best of luck trying to get him to be something he's not!  You'll need it!

Seriously, if he said he wants you to never feel submissive, and never act submissive, and never want sex involving control or power exchange (EVER), would you agree?  Could you just stop being that way?

(in reply to JohnWarren)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 8:01:39 PM   
Cravings


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		There may be more to it than his lack of desire. It may be that he feels like he can't be dominant.  Maybe it embarrases him somehow.  Or maybe he'd like to be submissive.  You could try to tie him up lightly and see what happens. Then the next time ask him to reverse it.

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 8:11:09 PM   
cutelinygurl84


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline 		My bf is not a sub he is a dom.  He just hates to be kinky or wild in the bedroom.  My bf would hate to be tied up.  I am trying to get him to do that to me. 

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to Cravings)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 8:18:19 PM   
fullofgrace


Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline 		i was just helping my roommate out with a similar situation - she's not submissive or kinky, but she is having issues in that her sex desires don't match up with her boyfriend's. i'll give you the same advice i gave her...it's just a matter of priority. there are always going to be things in relationships, especially relationships that are not D/s outside of the bedroom (not so true for total power exchange 24/7 relationships, but somewhat), that are of the utmost, uncompromisable importance to you. meaning, there are things you just cannot compromise on without sacrificing some part of yourself or being unhappy in the relationship. so you have to sit down and decide if your sexual desires are that important to you. if not, then try to work out a compromise with your boyfriend...if so, you may decide to change your relationship situation. don't compromise yourself into a situation you don't want to be in and are not happy in, though; i know i could not truly feel myself in a vanilla relationship, so i would not stay in one, but some people are perfectly comfortable with making life more vanilla in order to work things out with their partners.

also, you mentioned he IS a dom - maybe if he doesn't want to do physically kinky things, he would be comfortable talking to you in a more dominant way or giving you orders, something verbal, not physical? if that kind of thing turns you on, it could be something of a compromise between the two of you :)

best of luck to you! i hope things go well and that you are able to work things out with him.


_____________________________

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(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 8:28:01 PM   
cutelinygurl84


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for your advice it helped alot.  My bf allready orders me around alot and degrades me every time we talk on the phone and when he sees me.  My bf said he would try to be more wild and kinky for me but so far it has not worked.  I dont feel he has it in him to be that way in the bedroom.  Its not like I am going to leave him over this b/c we been together 3 yrs and I love him too much to leave him over this.  I just need more in the bedroom so its not so boring but I guess I will have to give it up. 

Cutelinygurl84

< Message edited by cutelinygurl84 -- 3/30/2006 8:29:56 PM >

(in reply to fullofgrace)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 9:09:43 PM   
newandcurious68


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/20/2005
Status: offline 		i sat and debated whether or not to put in a reply to this post. i can speak from some recent experience. i was married for 5 years, with him for 8 years, and discovered my submissiveness about 6 months ago. i tried hard to make my husband my Master. To get him to experiment as i was not being satisfied anymore with vanilla. But he simply wasn't interested and told me so. Yes, there were other issues involved as well, but we have now separated. i found that to be true to myself, to my deep inner slave self, i could never be truely happy just living a life i no longer enjoyed, or really wanted. it's a sad fact, i guess, but it was no longer enough for me. i chose my submissiveness because i chose my own long term happiness over what i already had. i just don't think you can ever make someone out to be what they are not. No matter if that is Dom/sub or slave. simply you are or you aren't. And all i can suggest to you, is to seriously think about what it is you want long term, or think you want and need at this stage. Don't compromise your own happiness for something you feel is not really you, because long term, you will have regrets and wonder about the "what ifs". I am not saying to either split or not... all i am trying to say is "search yourself, your inner self, and be true to yourself. You won't be truely happy if you try to be who you are not, just as much as you can't make someone else what they are not. Take your time over this. don't rush in and make choices or descisions on emotion. search your heart and follow it". i hope this makes sense and helps...  i wish you all the best...   newy
 
 
"a candle loses nothing if it is used to light another one"... Friedrich Poyer

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 9:29:57 PM   
kiska


Posts: 160
Joined: 11/17/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Wow ... 8 years versus 6 months and you call that long term happiness ... Sheesh. Yeah I guess those 8 years must have been miserable for you ... But hey, you're a free and shakin submissive now, ready to take on the world! I'm just like ... Wow.

I've been active as a submissive for almost 8 years now. Pretty much my entire adult life ... I've never known anything else. I wouldnt presume to try and tell someone else about 'longterm happiness' though ... Lets face it, people change as they get older. 6 months is just not long enough to know for sure whether or not something is going to make you happy for the rest of your life. Hell, even after 8 years I'm not entirely sure I'll be submissive for the rest of my life.

Lets keep things in perspective please ...

Now for the original question ...

cute, maybe if you put less pressure on him ... Make it a game, make it fun ... Don't make it one of these things where he thinks you're going to be miserable if he doesnt get it exactly right. If he already enjoys dominating you outside the bedroom, it could just be one of those things he has to work into slowly inside the bedroom. Or maybe he views inside the bedroom as the place for the two of you to just be together without the domination and degradation and orders ... Either way, pressuring him wont help. It may even backfire completely because he wont be able to get hard or something and then you're really gonna be unhappy. lol

You could always take a proactive stance ... Meet him at the door in collar and cuffs, have all the toys laid out for his convience and make yourself so appealing, so tempting, and beg to be used ... Dont just say please, use your entire body to beg ... Become liquiescent, supplicant, rub your belly and breasts on the floor, on his shoes, his legs ... Tug lightly at his clothes, as if you want to remove them for him but wouldn't dare without his permission. Offer him tiny kisses, squirm around or even do a seductive dance with your head never rising above his belt ... Its fun and it may just give him that little nudge he needs.

(in reply to newandcurious68)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 9:34:50 PM   
KittenWithaTwist


Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Look. If he isn't kinky, then he isn't kinky. You'll just have to DEAL with it or dump him. Which is more important to you? Your relationship with him or sex with him? Is he open to you having other sex partners? You can't force him to be dominant just because you want him to.

_____________________________

"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 9:36:59 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		A few things that helped when i introduced Hubby to this were: going shopping together at an adult store, (maybe purchase a beginers bondage kit); renting some bondage videos; showing Him some basic BDSM websites; and reading SM101.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 9:39:26 PM   
cutelinygurl84


Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline 		See the thing is my bf is a dom outside the bedroom.  I just feel he is afraid to express it in the bedroom.  I know he has it in him I just want to bring it out of him. 

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 11:14:50 PM   
texguy98


Posts: 71
Joined: 3/13/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84

See the thing is my bf is a dom outside the bedroom.  I just feel he is afraid to express it in the bedroom.  I know he has it in him I just want to bring it out of him. 

Cutelinygurl84


Cute,

Now that I've read this post, I'm thinking is a "mentor" the right approach? In my experience, people are wired a certain way. If they are wired to hunger for kink, there's no changing that. If they ain't, the just ain't. That being said, perhaps he's open to other ideas? ie: Open relationship? I've met PLENTY of people who come to play parties, are active in the BDSM community, serve another, yet go home to their vanilla hubbies and wifes and lead happy lives. Their spouses are usually ok with it provided a few basic rules are followed.

As for the question that I've seen brought up in this thred of whether or not you should leave him, that's something you need to decide. If you love him, it's worth a shot at making it work. I think it's also importnat that HE knows exactly how important this is to you.

Good luck!
Tex

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 11:35:56 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84

My bf allready orders me around alot and degrades me every time we talk on the phone and when he sees me. 
Cutelinygurl84


I'm just curious, since we know nothing else, except he has a vanilla appetite in the bedroom. Is this what makes him a Dominant ? Or is there anything else?
                       mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/30/2006 11:37:05 PM   
wordnymph


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/30/2006
Status: offline 		hey KISKA, i love your advice! i was reading this thread because i have a similar situation....im going to ask my bf if i can drive him crazy with the attention you just described. i think my guy is scared to hurt me, or belittle me. that i will hate him for it. he doesnt get it. but i see now that it is too far away for him. for now...he needs to enjoy being the one calling the shots. so i need to let him!

(in reply to kiska)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 2:41:01 AM   
newandcurious68


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/20/2005
Status: offline 		kiska,   you have misread or misunderstood what i have written. i never said or implied that 6 months was "long term happiness", nor did i presume to "tell someone about long-term happiness".  i was merely trying to let cute know she is not alone in her dilema, and that i did what i thought was right for me... i tried to encourage her to "take her time and search herself for what she felt she needed. Not to rush in and make any descisions in a hurry that she may regret later".  And may i point out that you have made several presumptions yourself. i did mention that there were other factors involved, you have no idea of what my 8 years may or may not have involved. And i am very aware that people change, as do situations... thats life!  By no means do i think myself a "free and shakin submissive now, ready to take on the world".  You don't know me or anything about me or my situation or what i have been through.

(in reply to wordnymph)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 4:44:00 AM   
slaveladyj


Posts: 161
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		I just answered your post about a mentor, but it does seem you aren't ready for that. With my boyfriend, after years of discussing, I discovered something he wants and needs, so I told him, we'll do what you need, and combine it with what I need, so far it's working nicely.

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 4:52:02 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84

My bf is very vanilla in bed and new to this life style. I try to be wild and kinky with him in bed but he seems to hate it.  He allways tells me he wants to just do the same things over and over again.  At times I want to be wild and spice it up.  I need a change every once and a while.  I was just wondering if there are any ways I can get him to spice things up so we can have more fun in the bedroom?  I want my bf to be my dom and become more wild but its not going how I planned.   Any thoughts you have on this topic would be greatly appreciated. 

Cutelinygurl84

It sounds like you have the roles reversed if YOU want him to be more wild in bed like YOU planned..?  Perhaps you should read some books on female domination and that way you can get him to be as wild and as kinky as you want/plan in bed. Works for me

~Lashra

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 6:22:25 AM   
MasterRobert1


Posts: 225
Joined: 7/18/2005
Status: offline 		You can't make people something they aren't. Oh, you can temporarily make superfical alterations. But those don't last. Maybe your best bet is to find someone who's LIKE you; who has your perspective and kinks; who's as adventuresome as you are. As hard as that might be, it's a lot more doable than trying to make your b/f into something he's obviously not.

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 6:37:18 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Cute have him read some things about how he can be more wild maybe you can start slow with just a little then over time introduce more.  it sound to me like he is afraid he may hurt you or something if he is more wild.  You said he is new so maybe he is just scared  try some toys next time maybe show him what you like.

Good luck

Matt's littleone

(in reply to MasterRobert1)
Profile   Post #: 20
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