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RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 9:10:00 AM

PenelopePitstop

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

I guess you could train him a la Skinner - hear me out.

Basically, there's a lot of evidence to suggest that positive reinforcement works wonders. If you 'reward' him when he is showing behaviour that could be construed as Dom he might do it more. Guys love to see us in erotic abandon, so if you make it clear when he is doing well/has the potential to do well, see how that goes?

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 21

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 9:19:28 AM

IWillDeviateU

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

So often women date men hoping they'll change while men date women hoping they won't. It's better that you learn early how your partner is in bed <or in the kitchen...airport...open field> so that you don't have these problems. It's called communication. You simply open your mouth and say "I'm a kinky little slut...and I was wondering if you'd put me over your knee until I cum a few times?" You get the point. You can't turn Bambi into Rambo...or vice versa. I see that you're young though...and it's a common mistake that people make when they're young. You'll learn...or you'll go through a lot of batteries. That's one of the benefits of this site. You get to shop around...look at people's likes and dislikes...and narrow the field. Of course we all know that doesn't guarantee success...but it's a good start. If he doesn't work out...I'm sure there'll be some takers from here that will be glad to take over. I'm out.

Master John

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Post #: 22

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 9:25:07 AM

pollux

Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

It sounds like you have the roles reversed if YOU want him to be more wild in bed like YOU planned..? Perhaps you should read some books on female domination and that way you can get him to be as wild and as kinky as you want/plan in bed. Works for me

~Lashra

Funny how the opposite dynamic to what we claim we are is always lurking somewhere, isn't it?

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 23

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 9:28:30 AM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

There is a very scientific, two-step process that works exactly 94.327% of the time. It may help you.

1. Make a list of what you want.
2. Tell him there will be no more blowjobs until you get it.

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Post #: 24

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 9:33:39 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84

My bf is not a sub he is a dom. He just hates to be kinky or wild in the bedroom. My bf would hate to be tied up. I am trying to get him to do that to me.

Cutelinygurl84

No dear, he is not a Dom--you have stated that plainly in three posts already, he is at this point a bf and what appears to be an unwilling participant in your need for more--that is the core of the issue--

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Post #: 25

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 9:43:29 AM

Jane2376

Posts: 23
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline

I debated about wether or not to post, as it's something I've never done before, but I was in a similar situation recently. I had been with my boyfriend for several years, and I wanted to be submissive. He tried to be dominant for me, but if its not the way someone wants to be, it is very hard to fake it. I stayed with him for a long time knowing this and settling for what I thought was good enough. In the end I realized that I needed more, someone who wanted me to be myself, who would appreciate the gift that submission is. A person that had that spark in them to be dominant. I think that when the time is right, you'll know what's the right thing for you to do. It may or may not be for you to be with him, nobody knows that but you.

Something else you might consider is seeing someone on a strictly d/s basis, once a week or once a month. Even if you don't have sexual realtions with that other person it might satisfy your need.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 26

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 11:40:38 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

maybe he is submissive

and is waiting for you to take control

quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84

My bf is very vanilla in bed and new to this life style. I try to be wild and kinky with him in bed but he seems to hate it. He allways tells me he wants to just do the same things over and over again. At times I want to be wild and spice it up. I need a change every once and a while. I was just wondering if there are any ways I can get him to spice things up so we can have more fun in the bedroom? I want my bf to be my dom and become more wild but its not going how I planned. Any thoughts you have on this topic would be greatly appreciated.

Cutelinygurl84

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Post #: 27

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 11:44:33 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

rereading the ops quote

he may be submissive and not wish to be tied up--the 2 do not have to go hand in hand, he may wish to worship with out bondage....just a thought

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 28

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 12:45:30 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84

My bf is very vanilla in bed and new to this life style. I try to be wild and kinky with him in bed but he seems to hate it.

why don't you ask him? maybe he really does hate it. maybe it turns his stomach and makes his dick go all limp just THINKING about controlling or dominating you or your bedroom activities.

quote:

I was just wondering if there are any ways I can get him to spice things up so we can have more fun in the bedroom? I want my bf to be my dom and become more wild but its not going how I planned.

perhaps you could spell it out for him, plain and simple. he either submits to your will, and doms you the way you want to be dommed or you will find someone new who will...btw, there are plenty of subs out there who will dom you exactly how you dictate, for a variety of reasons and you don't even have to pretend they are your bf...unless YOU want to.

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Post #: 29

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 12:57:45 PM

cutelinygurl84

Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline

I am deffinatly not a dom. I dont give orders and I can never say no to my bf when he askes me to do something. Trust me I am no dom I am more submissive then anything else. My bf has it in him to be a dom I know it b/c outside the bedroom I see it. I just want to help him not be so afraid to bring it out.

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 30

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 1:00:26 PM

cutelinygurl84

Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline

This is for everyone on here that gets the feeling my bf is submissive. TRUST ME HE IS NOT. My bf is dom and I want to help him not be afraid to bring it out.

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to fyreredsub)

Post #: 31

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 1:04:10 PM

cutelinygurl84

Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline

Thank you for your advice it really helped. I been with my bf 3 yrs and I love him way to much to leave him over this. Plus we got a 10month old baby boy together. So maybe I will have to give this lifestyle up for him. I got no idea what I am going to do b/c this is something I feel I need. I just dont feel right having anyone else be my dom but my current bf.

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to Jane2376)

Post #: 32

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 1:06:37 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84

I am deffinatly not a dom. I dont give orders and I can never say no to my bf when he askes me to do something. Trust me I am no dom I am more submissive then anything else. My bf has it in him to be a dom I know it b/c outside the bedroom I see it. I just want to help him not be so afraid to bring it out.

Cutelinygurl84

They are trying to point out the fact that you're trying to control the relationship and get exactly what you want- versus submitting and putting what HE wants as priority.

There's nothing wrong with that to a point, submissives should find good dominants that match up well with them. But trying to help him dominate you by telling him what to do or pushing him into things isn't going to get you the results that you want. Relationships 101: Starting out by thinking "He's perfect if I can only get him to..." is never a good way to go.

Go out as a couple, communicate, ask what HE feels about all this, rent bdsm porn, go to clubs if he wants, read books on kink and bdsm together, share fantasies- make it fun as life SHOULD be. And make sure you allow him to be who he is- not who you want him to be. He needs to know that you respect him as himself, not as some ideal you have in your head.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Post #: 33

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 1:10:42 PM

cutelinygurl84

Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline

The thing is my bf knows all about bdsm and he says he is into it. We have talked about this subject alot lately. He says he wants to do this for me b/c he knows its something I need. I got no idea what the next approach to all this is.

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 34

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 1:23:53 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84

The thing is my bf knows all about bdsm and he says he is into it. We have talked about this subject alot lately. He says he wants to do this for me b/c he knows its something I need. I got no idea what the next approach to all this is.

Cutelinygurl84

Wanting to make a relationship work together is great. But if his primary motivation is just to make you happy, with NO internal orientation on his own to have authority, then it won't work. He needs to be doing this at least in part because it fulfills HIM. No amount of books or smiles from you can cause that.

I really think you're caught up in getting your submissive fuzzy feeling and not looking at the big picture. Hoe are you actively serving outside the bedroom now? You're both new parents so it's hard to get things done- are you looking around the house on odd moments and saying "What can I do here to make it better?" Are your finances and budgets cleaned up for the long term?

Putting yourself in the mindset of being useful and servicing can be a great way to start. Perhaps he will bounce off your mood and begin getting into the swing as well. But with you constantly saying "Dom me!" it just puts him off.

Oh- and don't get pissy if he doesn't get excited when you did an extra chore or two. This is a process, and one that has to play itself out, with respect on all sides.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Post #: 35

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 1:26:20 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

These links might help as well:
http://www.collarchat.com/Exploring_D%2Fs_in_vanilla_marriage/m_279016/tm.htm
Exploring Ds in a vanilla marriage

http://www.collarchat.com/The_paradox_of_ownership%2C_control%2C_power%2C_and_dissent/m_247052/tm.htm
The paradox of ownership control power and dissent

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Post #: 36

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 3:12:18 PM

SexyBlackMan2

Posts: 108
Status: offline

are you REALLY sure he is a dom

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Post #: 37

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 3:42:40 PM

cutelinygurl84

Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline

Thank you lucky your websites are going to help me big time. "He needs to be doing this at least in part because it fulfills HIM." In response to that, he has told me a few time in the past month that it fulfills him and makes him very happy when he seems me happy. So it must be something he needs too or he would not agree to explore this further with me if it did absolutely nothing for him.

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 38

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 3:44:55 PM

cutelinygurl84

Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline

Yes I am sure he is a dom. He loves to be in control and he also loves to give orders. I really doubt my bf is a sub.

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to SexyBlackMan2)

Post #: 39

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 3:45:28 PM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

if he wants to do it for you then he is being submissive and you are being dominant.....

see topping from the bottom threads

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Post #: 40

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