RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 3:58:40 PM

cutelinygurl84

Posts: 84
Joined: 3/29/2006
Status: offline

Maybe he is a vanilla dom. Or maybe he could be a switch you think?

Cutelinygurl84

(in reply to fyreredsub)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 4:01:55 PM

kiska

Posts: 160
Joined: 11/17/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Yes I am sure he is a dom. He loves to be in control and he also loves to give orders. I really doubt my bf is a sub.

Cutelinygurl84

I have known I was a submissive since I was 14 years old. Its simply who and what I am ... However when I was 16 I met and fell in love with another submissive ... A young man that I still think of sometimes today. For 18 months he tried to 'teach me' to be a Mistress for him. And you know what ... I liked giving him orders and I liked being demanding and strict and I even liked doing things to him in the bedroom. From what I've learned since then, outwardly I was one hell of a little Mistress ... Especially for being 16 years old. But ... I wasnt a Dom. I wasnt fullfilled in the same way that I am when *I'm* the one who gets to let go and just surrender. I was fullfilled in that I knew that I was pleasing my lover. I loved the look in his eyes when I'd learn a new skill and surprise him ... Like when I learned how to use a flogger and when I learned how to do wax play.

When I was with him, I was in control. I called the shots. I gave the orders. I was happy ... I loved him. The man I loved was pleased ... No, thrilled ... With what I was learning and what I was doing ... FOR HIM. Thats the key though ... I was doing it FOR HIM.

I last spoke to him a couple years ago ... And you know what?

He's a dom now.

(in reply to fyreredsub)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 3/31/2006 9:11:01 PM

KittenWithaTwist

Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Thank you for your advice it really helped. I been with my bf 3 yrs and I love him way to much to leave him over this. Plus we got a 10month old baby boy together. So maybe I will have to give this lifestyle up for him. I got no idea what I am going to do b/c this is something I feel I need. I just dont feel right having anyone else be my dom but my current bf.

If you feel you MUST have it, get yourself a screenname and visit some chat rooms. That's how lots of married, unhappy people get their rocks off and lead mostly fulfilling lives. How long have you been interested in submission? Since before the birth of your son? For a year, two years, all three? If it's been less than a year, I'd say to stick with where you are. Some things, like the sanity of your child, are a bit more important than your sexual frustration.
From the POV of a woman who practiced D/s styled BDSM for five years and changed her ENTIRE life to do so and NOW is not interested in anything more than monthly purely physical S&M, I can tell you...it isn't necessarily worth it to sever ties from those you love to try out something you aren't COMPLETELY sure about.

_____________________________

"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 4/2/2006 6:42:19 PM

PenelopePitstop

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

There is a very scientific, two-step process that works exactly 94.327% of the time. It may help you.

1. Make a list of what you want.
2. Tell him there will be no more blowjobs until you get it.

Shhh woman: we can't let them know our secrets...

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to caitlyn)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 4/2/2006 8:44:29 PM

cillydom

Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

and this is submissive how?

I'm not trying to be smart it just struck me as cute sorta topping from the bottom with a guy that dosen't seem to be a dominant, ie how is this done?

< Message edited by cillydom -- 4/2/2006 8:50:52 PM >

(in reply to PenelopePitstop)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 4/3/2006 6:47:29 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fyreredsub

if he wants to do it for you then he is being submissive and you are being dominant.....

see topping from the bottom threads

Depends on what "it" is. Wanting to do something for the sub/slave is not the same as being submissive. "I want to give you this collar as a symbol of our relationship and to let you know how I feel about you" isn't the dom being submissive.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to fyreredsub)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 4/12/2006 8:28:40 PM

PenelopePitstop

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiska

Yes I am sure he is a dom. He loves to be in control and he also loves to give orders. I really doubt my bf is a sub.

Cutelinygurl84

I have known I was a submissive since I was 14 years old. Its simply who and what I am ... However when I was 16 I met and fell in love with another submissive ... A young man that I still think of sometimes today. For 18 months he tried to 'teach me' to be a Mistress for him. And you know what ... I liked giving him orders and I liked being demanding and strict and I even liked doing things to him in the bedroom. From what I've learned since then, outwardly I was one hell of a little Mistress ... Especially for being 16 years old. But ... I wasnt a Dom. I wasnt fullfilled in the same way that I am when *I'm* the one who gets to let go and just surrender. I was fullfilled in that I knew that I was pleasing my lover. I loved the look in his eyes when I'd learn a new skill and surprise him ... Like when I learned how to use a flogger and when I learned how to do wax play.

When I was with him, I was in control. I called the shots. I gave the orders. I was happy ... I loved him. The man I loved was pleased ... No, thrilled ... With what I was learning and what I was doing ... FOR HIM. Thats the key though ... I was doing it FOR HIM.

I last spoke to him a couple years ago ... And you know what?

He's a dom now.

Life is odd like that isn't it! And people develop. I personally try to enjoy the process/seeking aspect a bit more because there's a great tempatation I'm finding as a newbie to want to pigeonhole my identity right away.

Ah but I love being subby. Oddly enough, the more subby 'practice' I get the more I understand dominance. heck yeah, Maybe one day i will give it a try after all.

On the the subject of the OP. Huh, one way I've inadvertently found of 'training' my hitherto vanilla ex into dominance is to actually inform him I'm going to be meeting dominants int he future. Holy s**t his attitude has changed now. I didn;t say any of this to be cruel to him or to attempt to manipulate him, I was just telling it like it is. And unfortunately he's now of the opinion that he can/could give me what I need after all (what a surprise!), and it's sad because I don't need it from him anymore. Don't try this at home folks: I know that if I hadn't made the change everything would have stayed the same. I feel sad for my ex because ... Well I just feel sad for him.

While i agree you can't change someone and shouldn't try, this whole situation with my ex is making me look at things differently. Ultimately it's always going to depend on the people involved and their dynamic with each other.

< Message edited by PenelopePitstop -- 4/12/2006 8:34:16 PM >

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to kiska)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 4/12/2006 9:17:21 PM

petcerina

Posts: 143
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

There is a very scientific, two-step process that works exactly 94.327% of the time. It may help you.

1. Make a list of what you want.
2. Tell him there will be no more blowjobs until you get it.

Yeah.. that's really submissive. Can we say topping from the bottom? Sorry.. just first thing that popped into my head.

(in reply to caitlyn)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 4/12/2006 9:19:02 PM

PenelopePitstop

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petcerina

quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

There is a very scientific, two-step process that works exactly 94.327% of the time. It may help you.

1. Make a list of what you want.
2. Tell him there will be no more blowjobs until you get it.

Yeah.. that's really submissive. Can we say topping from the bottom? Sorry.. just first thing that popped into my head.

Not necessarily...what if he prescribes torment and punishment for her audacity? ;)

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to petcerina)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 4/12/2006 9:28:18 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

People are who they are. I learned the long way (I'm relatively young - but have had my heartbreaks), you seek something he does not know. Share and see... can he meet this? Is it important to you? Sharing and opening - never bad. Difficult, uncomfortable at times - of course - but good.

(in reply to littleone35)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 4/12/2006 9:32:21 PM

petcerina

Posts: 143
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiska

Yes I am sure he is a dom. He loves to be in control and he also loves to give orders. I really doubt my bf is a sub.

Cutelinygurl84

I have known I was a submissive since I was 14 years old. Its simply who and what I am ... However when I was 16 I met and fell in love with another submissive ... A young man that I still think of sometimes today. For 18 months he tried to 'teach me' to be a Mistress for him. And you know what ... I liked giving him orders and I liked being demanding and strict and I even liked doing things to him in the bedroom. From what I've learned since then, outwardly I was one hell of a little Mistress ... Especially for being 16 years old. But ... I wasnt a Dom. I wasnt fullfilled in the same way that I am when *I'm* the one who gets to let go and just surrender. I was fullfilled in that I knew that I was pleasing my lover. I loved the look in his eyes when I'd learn a new skill and surprise him ... Like when I learned how to use a flogger and when I learned how to do wax play.

When I was with him, I was in control. I called the shots. I gave the orders. I was happy ... I loved him. The man I loved was pleased ... No, thrilled ... With what I was learning and what I was doing ... FOR HIM. Thats the key though ... I was doing it FOR HIM.

I last spoke to him a couple years ago ... And you know what?

He's a dom now.

Wow... i never thought i would find someone with such similiar experiences as me. We should talk. i have been a submissive since i was 14 years old. However, at one point i thought i was a Switch and took on a female slave for 4 months. Everyone said i was a wonderful Mistress including her. However, problems in the relationship showed up when she was topping from the bottom. When i realized this, i figured out that i was trying to please her by being her Mistress. i also realized i was always envious whenever we played. i released her which was harder than it sounds and moved on. i am still good friends with her. She has recently become a Domme.

(in reply to kiska)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: My bf is way too vanilla in bed - 4/12/2006 10:20:46 PM

acctonthelook

Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2006
Status: offline

I have read the entire OP thus far and it seems to me everyone may be missing a part of what she wrote?

quote:

ORIGINAL: cutelinygurl84
My bf is very vanilla in bed and new to this life style. I try to be wild and kinky with him in bed but he seems to hate it. He allways tells me he wants to just do the same things over and over again. At times I want to be wild and spice it up. I need a change every once and a while. I was just wondering if there are any ways I can get him to spice things up so we can have more fun in the bedroom? I want my bf to be my dom and become more wild but its not going how I planned. Any thoughts you have on this topic would be greatly appreciated.

Loving someone takes work from both sides.

Yes, if he never explores a 'kink' side of himself the relationship will never grow to satisfy both of you.

** Notice I say kink, because you only want a 'change' once in awhile. You want to 'spice' it up. You want him to 'be more wild' in bed. Sounds to me as your only interests lie in the 'kink' department, which is fine and you have that right.

You go on to say you want him to Dom you. It doesn't make sense to me in retrospect to having a Dom/sub relationship. What I'm hearing is that you just want to 'spice' it up.

The Dom/sub dynamic is so much more at least to me anyway. Most of the responses have been towards your 'topping from the bottom'. I wholeheartly agree. Many responses speak about you trying to 'change' him. Which in years to come you Will realise that you are fighting a losing battle 'right now'. If he is not ready for self exploration, then it isn't going to happen.

Many years ago a woman told me that my intense desire was just that, in regards to 'wanting' to be in an intimate relationship with another woman. When I was 'Really' ready to admit my desire there would be nothing stopping me and that I would find it no matter how freightened I've been in the past. When I truly wanted it bad enough, I would engage in the act. At that time, she was right. I was not ready. I was still in denial, still feeling shame, still unsure if it was fantasy or reality.

I told her she was crazy, she didn't know me. Who the hell is she to judge me? When push came to shove, it took a few more years to get to the point of self identify with myself, my needs, my desires.

This is exactly where I see you and your BF. You both have different agendas, needs, desires. You may have the dynamic somewhat in common but you both are very far apart in the time table sense of the word.

I hope my input has helped somewhat.

(in reply to cutelinygurl84)

Profile

Post #: 52