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Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:02:55 PM   
Hieros


Posts: 8
Joined: 2/2/2010
Status: offline 		I'm so very new to all this and I found that some submissives ask for references... thing that I think is a very good idea... but does really anyone do it. have you asked s dom for references? and if yes what was the answer?

thank you for your coments


H.
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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:12:18 PM   
DomMeinCT


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My opinion is that this is simply asking for the opinions of one stranger about another stranger.

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:17:20 PM   
Hieros


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Joined: 2/2/2010
Status: offline 		Well that's a good point... what would you do instead?

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:27:24 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		When I was new to kinky online dating, I thought having references was a good thing.  A woman and I were talking and thinking of meeting.  She said she wasn't ready to meet yet because she wanted to be careful.  I offered to provide references.  She sent me a scathing email that there must be something seriously wrong with me if I had played with multiple women who would say I was safe, and she didn't want to be next in my collection, and maybe I should see a therapist.  Then she blocked my ass.  One of the few times that's happened.

I don't offer references anymore.  She was right to reject me, but for the wrong reasons.  I was trying to use other people to sell myself, instead of standing on my own merits.  I didn't deserve that date.


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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:29:13 PM   
Smutmonger


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Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		And seriously..who would think of giving a BAD refference anyhow? Doesn't that invalidate the entire idea?

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:31:36 PM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		If the person is someone who plays publicly at BDSM events, it doesn't hurt to ask around if they are known to be a good top. However, that information will only be useful for actual BDSM events. What they are like at home may be vastly different then what they are like at an event. At an event, their actions are usually monitored by DM's and other attendees, so if you were to say your safeword the action would likely halt.

At home, they may not be as nice as they are at an event - then again, they may be. The only way to actually know if a person is trustworthy is to get to know them. Someone providing references is only going to provide references from people who are going to give glowing feedback. Do you think they'd give you the name of a person they accidently injured, or intentionally injured?

Take the time to get to know the person. Find out for yourself if they keep their word. Don't rush into things. In otherwords, if you do not trust them with your car, your pet, or your bank card, then don't trust them to tie you up and do kinky things with you. Use common sense.

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:34:46 PM   
WyldHrt


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quote:

have you asked s dom for references?

Nope. The only time I would consider such a thing is if the dom in question was known to someone whose opinion I trust. Otherwise, it's like DMCT said, you are asking one stranger's opinion about another.
If it isn't a friend of a friend of mine kind of deal, then it goes back to talking, getting to know someone, and trusting my gut instincts.


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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:34:49 PM   
Hieros


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Status: offline 		Well this is very confusing because one of the first things that you read about is to ask for references but I see the point in what you say but I don't mean references aas in bad or good I was thinking more along the lines... that a friend of mine could tellyou that I'm very strict about puntuallity and that may bother you and is good to know... because nobody is gonna tell you oh ont see him he's a potential serial killer!

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:36:40 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
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Status: offline 		I always ask my subs for references...It's great to have lengthy talks with other doms about her lazy left nipple and the size of her clit, twat and how big of a butt plug she could handle.

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:41:41 PM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		Actually, someone who is mad at that person (even if that person is a wonderful person) may very well tell you that they are a potential serial killer. That's the point here.

Suppose this person is a fabulous person, but broke up with someone and that person was hurt beyond belief looking for revenge? If you came in contact with the person seeking revenge, they'd likely tell you all sorts of horrible things - even if they weren't entirely true or were made up. You would then mistrust a person based on someone else's broken heart instead of who that person actually is.

You can ask for references all you want. What you should NOT do is expect those references to be entirely truthful, whether good or bad. That is why it is important to use your own judgement.

Have you ever met someone that you absolutely adored yet one of your friends couldn't stand? If you based getting to know that person on your friend's opinion you may have missed a wonderful opportunity to get to know someone you liked.

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 8:41:54 PM   
AcademyForSlaves


Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hi.

I usually don't feel a dominant should have to qualify to a sub by giving references, but it makes sense for a sub to qualify to be accepted by a dominant. But if your talking about safety that's a different story, then reviews and references might be a good idea. But trust your own opinion and instinct before putting your trust in someone else's personal opinion.

Hope this helps.

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 9:19:07 PM   
RedMagic1


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Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hieros
Well this is very confusing because one of the first things that you read about is to ask for references

What are you reading, though?  Anyone can post a web page and claim to be an expert on BDSM.  I think "The Steel Door" is still one of the highest-ranked BDSM "information" sites in Google searches, and it includes essays on the history of BDSM that are provably false.  I think a board like this is a better resource, because you can read opinions from people with all kinds of backgrounds, and decide which answers make the most sense to you.

A good rule of thumb, which might eliminate a lot of your confusion is: pretend it's a vanilla date. Are you comfortable giving your phone number to this man?  Are you comfortable being alone with this man?  Reality is still real, even if we have fantasies that are amazingly hot.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 10:34:34 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hieros

I'm so very new to all this and I found that some submissives ask for references... thing that I think is a very good idea... but does really anyone do it. have you asked s dom for references?
.


As others have said, asking for references is a waste of time.  Think about it.  Only a complete idiot would provide a reference who was going to say negative things about him/her.  So the answers that you get have already been pre-screened by the candidate. 

Also, how do you know that the reference is real?  He/she might give you their roommate's telephone number and have them pretend to be a former play partner.  You just don't know.

The one thing that i believe IS valuable is asking around in the local BDSM community.  For example, there is one local Pro Domme that nobody in my local BDSM community has ever met.  When i first moved here, i tried to get an appointment with her to no avail.  i later learned that everyone seems to have the same experience when they try to meet her.  So to me, that was a credible NEGATIVE reference.

People in the local BDSM community tend to know one another.  Personally, that is the reference that i tend to use.  i tell anyone who is interested in me that i am an active member of the local BDSM community, and i invite them to ask about me.  i don't tell them WHO to ask.  i leave it up to them to pick the person.  Anyone in the community can vouch for me.  Everybody knows me. 

So while i am not a fan of asking for or providing references, i think that the local BDSM community is always a good starting point.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 3/12/2010 10:36:03 PM >

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 10:49:50 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		Worst case scenario...if all else fails....as a last desperate resort...you could just get to know them in nonsexual situations, until you get a comfort level of trust.

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/12/2010 11:10:58 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		I've provided references for a dominant. I happened to know him AND the submissive he was talking to. He didn't know I knew her. She didn't know I knew him but he asked me to contact her and tell her about him. It was really quite amusing. I gave her my honest opinion too!

I've asked about people who said they were in the local community. I've had people honestly tell me that the person wasn't their favorite person, and why, but that they would be safe for me to play with and might be a good match. It helped me, particularly at first when I was new to all of this.

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 12:33:09 AM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline 		 
Simple answer... would you ask a vanilla (non-BDSMer) for "references" before dating them?  No, you wouldn't.  Same applies here.

It's "online", yes... so, if you're concerned, then you meet in public places for a while, date, talk, etc.  If things go well, then you move forward; if they don't, you don't.  Again, no different from meeting/dating a 'nilla person.

Good Luck.



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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 1:49:57 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		This site has a friends list. The problem with that list on here is, there's no way of knowing if they are rl friends or online ones. Another site I use has an option button of rl or online and that shows up under each name.
If you were planning on meeting someone from here, you could ask if any on his friends list is rl and if so would he mind if you contacted them.
Saying that, I contacted a woman on Steves list and she told me how awful he was. It turned out she had the hots for him and he didn't want anything more than friendship with her. She saw me as an threat! I met him regardless and thank goodness I did.

Friends are a bit of an unreliable source of information because they have their own agendas and even if they know that their friend is a lying cheating bastard with most women, they are not going to jeopardize a friendship by talking to a stranger.
Meet on neutral ground and ask to see photo id. The very basics of a meet is to know they are who they say they are.

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 2:07:28 AM   
MstrPBK


Posts: 573
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		Wet Noodle Here ...

As far as I believe there is no such thing as a reliable reference for online relationships. They are the easiest form of a con one can produce.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 3:30:04 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hieros

I'm so very new to all this and I found that some submissives ask for references... thing that I think is a very good idea... but does really anyone do it. have you asked s dom for references? and if yes what was the answer?

thank you for your coments


H.


A lot depends on what you are ultimately seeking. If you are looking for a relationship, then I would say it is a bit odd. In the "vanilla" dating world, would you ask someone for "references" before going on a date? Because if a relationship is what you seek, you probably are going to "date" for a while to get to know one another.

Does that mean you shouldn't ask some probing questions or google the person? Of course not. But this isn't a job interview where you present a resume and references.

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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/13/2010 4:46:37 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		I think the main difference between this and a vanilla dating site is, your considering letting someone physically hurt you. Lots of people play on their first date. Perhaps they shouldn't but they do.

If you talked to an ex parntner of a vanilla guy she would probably tell you that he was a poor fuck, couldn't keep his cock in his pants and so on. If you spoke with an ex sub of a Dom, you are more likely to be told he was abusive, didn't listen to safe words and that sort of stuff. Its much easier for a vindictive ex sub to paint a monster than it is for a vanilla woman.
Meeting someone on neutral ground, having a safe call and resisting the temptation to play on a first date are all good cautionary measures. The rest is intuition.



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