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RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/15/2010 3:30:06 AM

janigrey

Posts: 126
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

@Katy and those people that said - what sort of person would give you as a reference if you didn't like them:

Its happened to me twice within the kink community. It is beyond possible that these people left thinking that I thought they were SSC or even into RACK -

The one lady asked me what I thought of him and I stated : You won't end up in a 55 gallon barrel BUT you might end up with a broken leg and if you don't have the money or insurance to get it fixed - he will let you lie there.

Nice reference huh?
The thing is - I wasn't making that up - It happened. Not to me but a dear friend of mine was the person that the maimed lady called to be taken to the hospital.

The other was a person that I did like but had met twice - total... at other kink events - never saw that person play - ever. This person used me as reference and referred to me as a 'play partner'.

Nice again no?

< Message edited by janigrey -- 3/15/2010 3:31:20 AM >

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 41

RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/15/2010 4:43:44 AM

takemeforyourown

Posts: 430
Joined: 2/24/2007
Status: offline

If I have to ask for references, he should be serving ME! But I'm not into that.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 42

RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/15/2010 9:36:09 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I have never asked for or been asked for refernces. Any you get should be taken with a grain of salt. It is very good advice that th first meet be in a public place. Master and i met in a Sttarbucks. Talt to them get to know them ans see what happens, i know some do but i will not play on a first meeting. As long as you keep it public and not go anywhere alone with him until you get to knw him all should be ok.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to takemeforyourown)

Post #: 43

RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/15/2010 7:35:08 PM

DomBlade64

Posts: 105
Joined: 3/14/2010
Status: offline

I think it would be good practice.

Cant hurt to send an E-MAIL could it?

quote:

erences? and if yes what was the answer?

thank you for your co

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hieros

I'm so very new to all this and I found that some submissives ask for references... thing that I think is a very good idea... but does really anyone do it. have you asked s dom for references? and if yes what was the answer?

thank you for your coments

H.

(in reply to Hieros)

Post #: 44

RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/15/2010 10:38:18 PM

WyldHrt

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

I think it would be good practice.
Cant hurt to send an E-MAIL could it?

If you are an s-type, and believe what someone tells you in an email (or on the phone, or even in person) about a potential partner, then yes, it very well could hurt you. I trust you understand that?

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to DomBlade64)

Post #: 45

RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/15/2010 10:42:40 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

asking for refrences and asking around in the local scene for the new partner/s it is something to help protect the partners. having a call person and other safety measures are just ways to help

_____________________________

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LadyPact

(in reply to DomBlade64)

Post #: 46

RE: Do you ask for references? - 3/16/2010 12:22:43 AM

WyldHrt

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

asking for refrences and asking around in the local scene for the new partner/s it is something to help protect the partners.

Only if potential partners are active in the local scene, clip. If the person is a private player and not into munches, it won't help. Any references they provide will mean nothing, unless said reference is a person you trust. Example: If I met someone online that your Mistress, Mercnbeth, or another trusted friend knew personally, and they told me was a good guy, that would carry weight with me. If a potential partner simply gave me the name/ contact info of someone I've never heard of as a 'reference", why would I trust that person's opinion?

quote:

having a call person and other safety measures are just ways to help

Safe calls/ safewords and such can help in one way, but are almost dangerous in another. Such things can provide a false sense of security, and lead one to take risks that they wouldn't take otherwise.

IMO, it's best to keep your common sense wired tight and trust your instincts.

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to LPslittleclip)

Post #: 47

RE: Do you ask for references? - 4/3/2010 6:42:55 PM

trueshadow

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

Nah, but I would only meet at a public place to meet her and see if we were compatible, and, more importantly, if she liked me. If we clicked, I'd do the old 'phone a friend' routine and let someone know where I was going.

I don't agree that D/s and bdsm is like a vanilla date. A slave/sub is totally vulnerable if he/she is handcuffed or in bondage. Bad things have happened. They just had one of those cold case things where this 'dom' would meet women, and if it struck his fancy, kill them and stuff them in a barrel. And remember the Seinfeld episode where George went with this hot number who took him to a hotel room, put him in handcuffs, and then walked off with his wallet?

Bad things happen to good people. Especially those who are too trusting.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 48

RE: Do you ask for references? - 4/3/2010 10:01:40 PM

opposingtwilight

Posts: 684
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

quote:

I think it would be good practice.
Cant hurt to send an E-MAIL could it?

If you are an s-type, and believe what someone tells you in an email (or on the phone, or even in person) about a potential partner, then yes, it very well could hurt you. I trust you understand that?

This was my unfortunate experience when I was 19 and just beginning to explore BDSM in reality.

I met a dom and he seemed very knowledgable and authorative AND he had glowing references from a variety of other submissives he had supposedly played with both online AND in real life. Because I chose to believe those references, I ignored all the warning signs that this was an unstable individual; even when I heard him get into a physical fight with not one, but two women, while on the phone with me. (Two different sets of circumstances spaced several weeks apart.)

To make a long story short, he ended up breaking my arm for me a few months after we got together and became an "official real life couple" ... Shockingly, he's never asked me to be his reference. I chalk a lot of that up to just being young and not knowing any better. But the point is, glowing references don't mean a lot unless those references are coming from people you already know and trust.

_____________________________

Dr Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog

(in reply to WyldHrt)

Post #: 49

RE: Do you ask for references? - 4/4/2010 5:54:44 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

No I won't ask for references...I'll trust my own instincts and intuition.

(in reply to opposingtwilight)

Post #: 50

RE: Do you ask for references? - 5/13/2010 7:19:41 PM

kateindenver

Posts: 35
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline

If a Dom will not give you references that is a big red flag

(in reply to Hieros)

Post #: 51

RE: Do you ask for references? - 5/13/2010 7:23:55 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kateindenver

If a Dom will not give you references that is a big red flag

I assume then, that you have equally good references.

The thing is, references are only as good as the people giving them. No different than someone job hunting. I've worked with people that had excellent references and they were not worth a damn as an employee.

They mean nothing to me.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to kateindenver)

Post #: 52

RE: Do you ask for references? - 5/14/2010 1:42:40 AM

blueeyedbbwsub

Posts: 435
Joined: 12/9/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kateindenver

If a Dom will not give you references that is a big red flag

And I assume that anyone who provides you with references is automatically guaranteed a green light? You just can't be that naive.

How do you know the references are legitimate?

_____________________________

fuzzballed goondorker

(in reply to kateindenver)

Post #: 53

RE: Do you ask for references? - 5/14/2010 3:01:46 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hieros

I'm so very new to all this and I found that some submissives ask for references... thing that I think is a very good idea... but does really anyone do it. have you asked s dom for references? and if yes what was the answer?

thank you for your coments

H.

No. I find the idea nonsensical. First of all, it means that you are asking your prior partners to speak to a stranger and giving contact information for them to someone else, which I won't do, so I wouldn't ask it of another.

Second, as has been pointed it, the reference is only as good as the person you are asking who might also be someone that can't be trusted or isn't reliable and they are also someone that you don't know at all. Anyone can find people to say things that aren't true.

The best bet is to work on your own personal radar. How do you do that if you're new? That's a good question, I think finding someone that you trust that has been around for awhile to bounce things off of when you suspect something might be off is a good start.

Good luck!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Hieros)

Post #: 54

RE: Do you ask for references? - 5/14/2010 8:06:53 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

Hieros,

No, I don't request references when getting acquainted with a potential suitor. I'm opposed to doing so for philosophical reasons. I cannot validate the accuracy of what the other party has conveyed, and I lack insight into their motivations and personal dealings with the one in question. Particularly where previous relations are concerned. I'm of the belief that people will denounce behaviors and cast them in a negative light until the situation arrives at their doorstep. When it involves someone they care for or have a significant attachment to, the situation is often seen through a different guise.

Unbalanced dependence on outside opinion negates my personal responsibility in the matter. I must be accountable for the decisions made, including those that fail to materialize as hoped. Whenever a situation falls awry it is never due to an omission of references, but always reflects an errant step in the relationship or things I overlooked during the acquaintance process.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 55

RE: Do you ask for references? - 5/14/2010 8:12:07 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kateindenver

If a Dom will not give you references that is a big red flag

Lat can tell you I make a shitty internet sub. Is that good enough for ya?

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to kateindenver)

Post #: 56

RE: Do you ask for references? - 5/14/2010 1:42:37 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

No, we want a report from every woman you've ever had sexual contact with, get on it!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 57

RE: Do you ask for references? - 5/14/2010 1:46:41 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

That take reams of paper!

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 58

RE: Do you ask for references? - 5/14/2010 6:49:18 PM

sweetboundesire

Posts: 285
Joined: 10/29/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

When I was new to kinky online dating, I thought having references was a good thing. A woman and I were talking and thinking of meeting. She said she wasn't ready to meet yet because she wanted to be careful. I offered to provide references. She sent me a scathing email that there must be something seriously wrong with me if I had played with multiple women who would say I was safe, and she didn't want to be next in my collection, and maybe I should see a therapist. Then she blocked my ass. One of the few times that's happened.

I don't offer references anymore. She was right to reject me, but for the wrong reasons. I was trying to use other people to sell myself, instead of standing on my own merits. I didn't deserve that date.

this is a beautiful illustration of why it is a possible negative and a very upstanding measure of character to have on yourself.

My own thoughts on this question.
In the vanilla world...
would I ask a man for his ex-girlfriends numbers to inquire on if he's a good man for me?

< Message edited by sweetboundesire -- 5/14/2010 6:50:29 PM >

_____________________________

and every broken line seems to have a particular design~
and the universe can only expand.
gotta pocket full of dreams and cash in my hand.
and i know, money ain't real...

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 59

RE: Do you ask for references? - 5/14/2010 6:55:30 PM

sweetboundesire

Posts: 285
Joined: 10/29/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

Hieros,

No, I don't request references when getting acquainted with a potential suitor. I'm opposed to doing so for philosophical reasons. I cannot validate the accuracy of what the other party has conveyed, and I lack insight into their motivations and personal dealings with the one in question. Particularly where previous relations are concerned. I'm of the belief that people will denounce behaviors and cast them in a negative light until the situation arrives at their doorstep. When it involves someone they care for or have a significant attachment to, the situation is often seen through a different guise.

Unbalanced dependence on outside opinion negates my personal responsibility in the matter. I must be accountable for the decisions made, including those that fail to materialize as hoped. Whenever a situation falls awry it is never due to an omission of references, but always reflects an errant step in the relationship or things I overlooked during the acquaintance process.

~porcelaine

This is poetic, intelligent and deep. It's pin point accurate. I love the accountability you assign yourself. Your message is wonderfully illustrated, I cannot help but feel these sentiments ring true in me, too.

_____________________________

and every broken line seems to have a particular design~
and the universe can only expand.
gotta pocket full of dreams and cash in my hand.
and i know, money ain't real...

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 60

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