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teacher21deq -> Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 9:32:50 PM)
Good Evening All, I am learning about BDSM and myself as a submissive woman....I have a few questions and am hoping someone can give me some useful advice... At this time, I am corresponding with someone via email, Yahoo IM, and phone....he seems perfect for me in many ways...and I hope he will eventually be my Master... He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... Any advice would be appreciated!

lucylucy -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 9:41:44 PM)
Welcome! I'm hardly an expert, but these are my thoughts . . . quote: He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? I would think he has to earn the right to call you "slave." Has he earned that right? And if he has, how did he manage to earn that right without you earning the right to call him Master? If it were me in your position, I'd ask some questions about this. quote: Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? I have no idea what is usual, but again, this would bother me. What's his reasoning for wanting you to mention him but him not mentioning you? Is he keeping his options open but you're not allowed to? Seems fishy to me. quote: As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... The beginning of the relationship is the time to communicate about what you want and need. If you want and need certain rights, communicate that. If he says no, you get no rights, you should consider whether you are ok with that. If you're not, then he isn't perfect for you. I wouldn't give up all rights until you know him well enough to judge whether you trust him to make decisions in your stead. That's a very big deal and shouldn't be taken lightly. Good luck. Don't rush into things. Take the time to think about what you want and what feels right to you.

DWCskitten -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 9:44:54 PM)
i second what lucylucy said.

Lockit -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 9:45:30 PM)
You have been here ten days. I think you are jumping into something you don't even understand much about and I think that is a mistake. I also think that a dominant that is requiring you to do what he is doing is questionable. Highly. It isn't hard to find an online Dom Juan, they are a dime a dozen. Unfortunately there are just as many Sub Polly Anna's ready and willing to jump right in. Typically they post in journal or thread that they found someone so wonderful and a month later they are posting in tears. Don't be one of those. Take some time, read the message boards, make sure you aren't ruining what you have going on at home already and you know what you are actually doing. Or... be ready to pay the price of what could be a big mistake. That price can often be high. Anyone that wants me to acknowledge them, darn well better be willing to acknowledge me or someone has an ego and isn't playing straight up. Big red flag in my book. People will often try to take you off the so called market while still being in a position to play the field. They often will not put you on as a friend simply because they don't want all their friends to know who to go to talk to when they suspect something isn't quite right. Enter at your own pace, not some cyber dom's.

Apocalypso -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 9:48:28 PM)
quote: Good Evening All, I am learning about BDSM and myself as a submissive woman....I have a few questions and am hoping someone can give me some useful advice... At this time, I am corresponding with someone via email, Yahoo IM, and phone....he seems perfect for me in many ways...and I hope he will eventually be my Master... I'm not quite sure, from your profile, if you're currently just wanting online play or if you're hoping to move this into real time. If it's the former, it's an erotic game. Treat it as such. You're both playing a role, in order to get yourselves off. The rest of my answers are based on the assumption of the latter. (I'm also curious about whether your husband knows. Honesty. It's a good start to relationships). quote: He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? Yeah. If you've not met yet, I don't really consider you his slave or him your master. And the two are undoutably connected. If he's not your master, how can you be his slave? quote: Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? Usual? Yes. It's usual among people I would be highly cynical of. Among people who are serious about a d/s relationship? Not so much. My best guess would be either he's married, he's an online fantasist or he wants to keep his options open while closing off yours. quote: As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... Ok, I'm not a master and I don't get in M/s relationships, so other people may need to correct me on this. But my understanding is that, if you're his slave, you've voluntarily given up your rights to him. But until that point, you should be considering compatibility, mutual worldviews and all the things you'd consider at the start of any relationship. quote: Any advice would be appreciated! We'll see. Excuse my shrewishness, but we get a fair few posts like yours. Most of which aren't actually looking for any advice they don't want to hear. But my main advice to you would be don't commit to anything until you've met in real life. And don't let the excitment of discovering BDSM blind you to what should be common sense.

UniqueRaven -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 9:50:16 PM)
As property, i do not believe i have the right to "earn" anything. The act of "earning" actually implies that i have some control over the situation somehow. Consider this - what if i decide i don't care about earning it, and it's something that my Owner actually wants me to earn? What does he do then? He's in a tough spot as he has given me the control over deciding if i want something or not - something that is actually a decision of his - and i see that as treacherous ground for us both. Others see this differently i realize - but honestly i think that taking my innate desire to please and twisting it to make me earn something he wants to give me anyway is bad headspace. Much better that he makes the decisions for me, including as to when i call him Master, or not - and btw, typically this is when he has taken me as slave. It simply is what we are to each other, no more, no less. In regards to you changing your profile and him not changing his, i'm sure you'll get lots of opinions here. [;)] Personally i have never given much thought as to what a potential Owner keeps on his profile, or not - it is how he relates to me, if he relates overall in a manner that i can trust, that is much more important. If he has a clear direction for himself and for me, he'll make the right decision at the right time, and honestly i don't sweat it. Good luck to you. [:)]

UniqueRaven -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 9:55:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Apocalypso quote: As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... Ok, I'm not a master and I don't get in M/s relationships, so other people may need to correct me on this. But my understanding is that, if you're his slave, you've voluntarily given up your rights to him. But until that point, you should be considering compatibility, mutual worldviews and all the things you'd consider at the start of any relationship. Yes. In my dynamic, up until the point of actual acceptance of ownership there is a great deal of discussion about compatibility, needs, wants, and anything else that might be a consideration. Once the ownership is accepted, then all rights become his. However this is typically done in real life, not online. i am unable to be an "online slave" and if that is what's actually going on here my advice might not be as useful.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 9:56:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq At this time, I am corresponding with someone via email, Yahoo IM, and phone....he seems perfect for me in many ways...and I hope he will eventually be my Master... Don't go gettin' all sub-frenzied out... till you MEET, it ain't real. What I mean is, it's easy to CONFUSE the person in your head with the actual person. This dynamic is no different from a vanilla (non-bdsm) dynamic... take time to TRULY get to know someone; it ain't REAL till you've actually met. quote: He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? Ahhh... the proverbial "carrot". If he wants to call you "slave", then he's taken the role of your "Master". Can't have it both ways. Actually, correction... find someone stupid enough, and I suppose you CAN have it both ways?!! quote: Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? Normal? SURE... when someone wants to keep their options open!!! QUESTION: Would you feel comfortable referring to a vanilla guy as your "boyfriend" when he only refers to you as a "friend"? Probably not. Now, think why you'd have a problem with that... okay, got it? Now, if you wouldn't put up with it then, why put up with it now?!! This dynamic is no different... there's either a MUTUAL commitment of sorts, or there isn't. quote: As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? Depends... for SOME, they live a Total Power Exchange (TPE) dynamic where the slave is, and shall always be, her Master's property; with ONLY the rights he affords her. For others, it's not this way at all. In short, the first and only rule to remember is... THERE ARE NO RULES. Each couple decides their own dynamic. Period. Good luck... I suspect you're going to need it. [:(]

LafayetteLady -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 10:31:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq Good Evening All, I am learning about BDSM and myself as a submissive woman....I have a few questions and am hoping someone can give me some useful advice... Let me chime in on the welcome to the boards. quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq At this time, I am corresponding with someone via email, Yahoo IM, and phone....he seems perfect for me in many ways...and I hope he will eventually be my Master... Ok, so as Lockit mentioned, you have been here all of TEN days, AND you are very new to this. Above you refer to yourself as a "submissive" woman, not a "slave." Have you researched and learned how many consider them to be different? Also as someone else mentioned, does your husband know about what you are doing? You mentioned he has no interest, but is he ok with you pursuing your interest? D/s and M/s relationships are built on trust, so if you are being dishonest in your primary relationship, that doesn't speak highly of your trustworthiness with someone new, does it? quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? Nope. You are not wrong at all. I'm not trying to be snarky, but this is a direct result of your "newness." I would recommend searching these message boards and reading....a lot. quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? Usual? Yea, it is usual for all the guys who like to keep their options open. You haven't met him in person, what, exactly, is he training you how to do? Blindly obey a stranger on the internet? quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... There is no "proper manner" for asking questions. Yes, some follow some protocol of crazy slash speak or capitalization games, but it is not a "requirement." As far as everyone here is concerned, everyone is equal to everyone else, unless they are in relationships where they have accepted a different viewpoint. As for your rights....first of all, if your husband is aware and accepting of what you are doing, then you need to make things very clear with anyone you are involved in that you have a primary relationship that is outside the realm of their control. There have been posts in the past where women or men have posted about some "master" coming in and dictating how their marriage is going to go. I shouldn't need to tell you that such a thing is a disaster waiting to happen unless your husband is ok with that, and then it is a whole different type of relationship that involves all three of you. If you are only doing this online and have no plans on taking this to the next level and meeting in person, what you have going on is a fantasy, you and this "master" can make the rules that suit you. Back to "rights".....everyone does things in the way that works best for them. Another thing that you would benefit from searching the boards for. Some have no rights, some have some rights. There is no right or wrong, only what is right or wrong for the people involved. In the meantime, do I think this guy you are talking to is as perfect as you seem to think? Nope. I think he is happily blowing smoke up your newbie ass and will continue to direct you in whatever way he can get you to follow until he takes things a step too far and you either say no, at which point he will call you all kinds of name, or until it reaches a point that he has you believing he is the uber master to end all uber masters and you end up throwing away your home life only to find out he is some dirty, toothless fool who lives in a beat up old trailer that smells like cat piss and dog shit. My advice to you is to do a bit more research. Tell this guy that if he is going to refer to you as his "slave" then he obviously is your "master." Inform him that unless he is willing to put you in his profile, you will not put anything about him on yours. Then go do some research, and learn what it is you really want out of all of this and take it from there by first sitting down with your husband and figuring out how you might be able to work it out in a way that is satisfactory to both you and him. Any advice would be appreciated!

came4U -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 10:50:31 PM)
IMO, no one is your Master, nor should you be called his slave until you have a mutual roof. But hey, do what you will. They all seem 'perferct' after a few days/weeks/months. Give it a few years and they will all seem like the 10th day (give or take some sanity). At the least (SAFELY) meet in person to see if they are what they seem. Nothing fancy, an hour in public meeting. You are doing fine, if you take your time. Mr. Wonderful might be perfect for you, I won't dissuade you, but don't discard the fact that he just happened to find you first., if so, there will be 100 others to tell you to post on profile that you are 'their property/slave'. Take your time, smell the roses. Might be more confusion, but might be less confusion in the long run knowing more about people (online) who frequent singles (even kink) sites. Maybe even less hearache later-on. But, no, lol. You do not petition to him, sorry. Maybe in some fantasyland some do, but you do the deciding if HE is worthy of being your Master. Like I said, it might work out, he might be great. But personally, I'd tell him 'hey, all this pushing me within a few days to be your 'girl' on profile nonsense is too outrageous that I had to ask for second opinions'. If ya had to ask...you know it doesn't feel right, right? If it were me I'd tell him, 'ok, ya spooked me off and I need to choose my own man'. Simple, but true. Up to you.,if he truly was interested he would do all he could to meet you on your terms SAFELY and asap. If not, he is a dork. good luck.

adx -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 10:55:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq Good Evening All, I am learning about BDSM and myself as a submissive woman....I have a few questions and am hoping someone can give me some useful advice... At this time, I am corresponding with someone via email, Yahoo IM, and phone....he seems perfect for me in many ways...and I hope he will eventually be my Master... He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... Any advice would be appreciated! Most of it seems normal as for as im concerned if your his slave then its none of your business what he puts on his profile or has you place on yours its not your place to question then. If I instructed my girl not to call me master then id expect her to do that with out needing a reason just accepting my decision but we also exist in the real world not over the internet. and yes in a master slave relationship all the rights are his at least thats how I do it. Now if your not his slave that changes some things I suppose.

Rule -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 10:56:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: came4U you do the deciding if HE is worthy of being your Master. Quoted for truth.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 11:15:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq Good Evening All, I am learning about BDSM and myself as a submissive woman....I have a few questions and am hoping someone can give me some useful advice... At this time, I am corresponding with someone via email, Yahoo IM, and phone....he seems perfect for me in many ways...and I hope he will eventually be my Master... He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... Any advice would be appreciated! Yes, if you are his slave, he is your Master. You can't be “owned” without owner(s). Welcome to the wonderful world of BDSM. However, the rapture will lead you to do silly things. The good news is you have the good sense to know that your fake online Dom knows nothing about BDSM. You show a glimmer of intellect and common sense so I will give to you my best advice: Step away from the computer but before you do, Google up the local BDSM groups in Lake Charles or Houston. Then, use the link in my sig line to look for some books that appeal to you. Read those books between now and the next munch and you will be fine. Stay away from the online plethora of predators, fakers, posers and scammers until you have read up a little bit and had some real life interactions that develope a better instinct for who's who in the BDSM subculture. Good luck and congratulation on making a wise first post here at CollarMe. I hope to see you back here one day soon with stories about your adventures in the lifestyle.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 11:23:13 PM)
What Lockit said. OP, you've been here for ten days, and your profile smacks of newsub smell. Predators will be drawn to it. Being submissive doesn't mean your brain fell out your ear. Use it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Edward_Robinson_(serial_killer)

WyldHrt -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/13/2010 11:58:49 PM)
quote: Most of it seems normal as for as im concerned if your his slave then its none of your business what he puts on his profile or has you place on yours its not your place to question then. If I instructed my girl not to call me master then id expect her to do that with out needing a reason just accepting my decision but we also exist in the real world not over the internet. and yes in a master slave relationship all the rights are his at least thats how I do it. Now if your not his slave that changes some things I suppose. Really? All that is normal for people who have known each other for 10 days or less and haven't even met? If you say so. [8\|][8\|][8\|] OP- you are new here and new to BDSM. On a site like this, you are the "fresh meat" that will draw predators who are very good at being "perfect for you". Sorry for the lack of sugarcoating, but I "met" many guys like this when I was new, and the things you've said about him scream HNG (horny net geek) to me.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 1:46:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt quote: Most of it seems normal as for as im concerned if your his slave then its none of your business what he puts on his profile or has you place on yours its not your place to question then. If I instructed my girl not to call me master then id expect her to do that with out needing a reason just accepting my decision but we also exist in the real world not over the internet. and yes in a master slave relationship all the rights are his at least thats how I do it. Now if your not his slave that changes some things I suppose. Really? All that is normal for people who have known each other for 10 days or less and haven't even met? If you say so. [8\|][8\|][8\|] Ahhhh... to be 19 and naive again; how I miss those days. [/sarcasm] [;)]

ForeverOwned -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 3:26:21 AM)
Oh boy (sigh). To me if he is telling you to write that you're in training and he's not even mentioning you, that's like a married man not wearing a wedding ring. It's not right and there is usually not a good reason for it. It's dangerous for your heart to fall for someone you have never met, and are not a part of his every day life. Especially, if he lives in another state. Which he probably does. You have been given a lot of great advice. Listen to it and go slowly. Good luck!

WyldHrt -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 3:33:42 AM)
quote: Ahhhh... to be 19 and naive again; how I miss those days. [/sarcasm] [;)] LMAO! See what happens when I forget to check a profile before posting? [:D]

fadedshadow -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 3:38:43 AM)
i think it's a bit odd that he's calling you slave and says he's training you when you haven't met each other yet. more alarming, the fact that you really haven't any rights (from what i can tell) and he doesn't even have you mentioned on his profile. if i were in your position, i'd question the integrity of this individual.

Fitznicely -> RE: Newbie Questions (3/14/2010 4:09:51 AM)
Welcome! quote: ORIGINAL: teacher21deq He already refers to me as slave, but says I must earn the right to call him Master...i thought the two were connected....am I wrong? Nope, he must prove himself worthy of your submission. It's a thrill to call someone Master, it's a privilege to call someone slave. quote: Also, i listed on my profile (at his request and with great pleasure!) that we were corresponding and he was training me, but he says he will list nothing about me on his....is this the usual? It's usual, but it's not right. He's taking advantage of your newness. Look on it as a dog marking his territory, he'll piss over you and call you his, then happily move on to the next lamppost and piss on that too. quote: As a Master/Slave relationship develops, should I expect some rights...are all of the rights his? I hope I am asking these questions in the proper manner and with clarity.... That's pretty much up to the Dom. As a rule, though, the good ones will recognise the gift you're giving and treat it with the according amount of respect. As others have said, I think you're moving too fast. How about hitting him with this: "Why should I?"

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